Mrdenial

Hi all, over the last 3 years I have repeatedly had the same pattern of 30-90 days clean time, then relapsing again. I have attended at least three meetings a week, as difficult with work and 3 kids to do more. The behaviour of being sneaky, lying automatically through years of doing it in addiction, subconsciously in denial, has not improved. I am on last thread to losing my wife and kids, as I have had so many chances and repeatedly let my self, and family down bring hurt to us all. Even know I see the hurt, and know i have had many last chances, I have constantly relapsed where the addict gives me the thought and goes from a thought, to picking up within less than an hour. I have never been great with sharing in meetings, with all eyes on me. I usually sit there thinking what am I going to say, and the nerves build up and I can't do it. I use mainly to block thoughts or feelings or hurt, which o have done since I was young, as I was taught from a young age boys don't cry, so struggle still to show emotions. I have also never believed in religion or god, so it's a struggle finding my HP. This is probably my biggest share to people I don't know to date! My first post on this forum and look forward to engaging lots, and hopefully will help me share more in person.
37 days clean.
Mr Denial- I am a addict.

Dee74

Hi Mr D

If you're going to meetings anyway why not get a sponsor and do the steps?

I know you're not religious but I reckon all you really have to believe is you're not the greatest power in the Universe.

What have you got to lose?

teatreeoil007

Good job sharing, MrD. Well, let's talk about this notion boys can't/don't cry. What a load of pure nonsense and I wish parents wouldn't give that message to their kids. It's just utter nonsense. Boys have emotions just like girls do. Why can't they express their emotions freely without being ridiculed? So, what do we do when we are told an emotion we are having is "bad"? We want to mask it, tamp it down, smother it...whatever we can think of...run away with it-escape from it. I was given messages starting at an early age that I had to be tough. And, there nothing wrong per se in being tough...but sometimes we are just not tough and we don't feel tough, we are told we need to be tough anyways...so what happens then? We are given messages that we cannot honestly express our emotions...so we avoid, we stuff, we smother, we escape....instead of learning to deal with emotions in healthy ways.

Mrdenial

Thankyou for your advice. I agree completely and have the knowledge now of it being nonsense, I am trying to show emotions more and sharing feelings too. I'm grateful for your help

Mrdenial

Thanks Dee. I have a spinster and am on step 1. I have just written my life story and will use your advice to find my higher power.

teatreeoil007

Hi MrD. I don't know if it's a coincidence or not, but yesterday afternoon I helped a lady get through a "crying jag"...she felt stupid and ashamed at first for crying. I told her go ahead and cry and that the reasons for her crying were very valid. She felt better after crying...her emotions were catching up with the stress she had been under for the last 5 days. She said she used to take Xanax whenever she felt "too emotional" or fragile or anxious. But, she stopped the Xanax and so now she's facing the various emotions without the aid of any medication/substance.

Now, she is a WOMAN and was still feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable about breaking down in tears....I totally get that if you're a man, you feel uncomfortable too!! But, I'm telling you right now, crying does not make you silly or weak or anything like that...it simply makes you HONEST.

The propensity to cover up our TRUE feelings begins in childhood...it's when we can be honest about feelings but not totally RULED by them that we begin to HEAL what needs to heal. For example, it's okay to feel angry about something, but not so okay to strike out at others in anger....

It's okay to grieve and mourn what we need to grieve about....I am so sick of people giving out messages that we need to hurry up and get the grieving process over...sure we need to move on...and most of us do...but I really, truly think that many folks are simply not given enough TIME to grieve.

Sinderos

Mr. D I’m an alcoholic but can totally relate to you. I drink for the same reasons you use. I’m a female, but was taught you just suck it up and deal with it. I struggle showing my feelings as well and always put on the happy face.

30+ days is awesome. I hope sharing here will help you share in meetings. Your story inspired me. It’s good to know I’m not alone even if we have opposite evils. Whether alcohol or drugs addiction will steal our lives and eventually kill us IF we let it. Being stronger than the addiction is hard as h***. It has been done by many and can be done by you and me.

Stay strong and keep fighting!!!

krissatay

I was recently at a conference where they talked about how as young children boys are actually much more emotional. And a mother to a two year old boy I can attest that it is indeed like living with the biggest drama king of all time. We take the emotions out of boys. Go back and claim it.

BAC015

Changing an addictive behaviors and patterns can take years and to some it is even a life-long battle. Everyday I tell myself I don't need to go back to my old ways and habits for they have caused me too much grief already. It's a life-long battle for me!

Mrdenial

Thankyou all for your comments.