MAYA1

I feel heavy anxiety lately, I have been working with therapist, going through my childhood, I have been working on myself but lately it's unbearable.

I am not an addict (not at least to drugs). I would say I am addict to anyone who shows me support or love). If someone gives me love I hold onto them without questioning if they are good people, good for me..

My last boyfriend was an addict to drugs and alcohol, the only drug addict I have met.

Me being addicted to him and his love and him being real addict created incredible mess. I enabled him with to such extend that he ended up homeless and nearly died.

I didn't realize the full extend until recently that not only he hurt me but I hurt him back. If I wasn't so codependent and ended things earlier he would most likely not go so far, so deep into his addiction .

It hit me recently that in 2 years of our relationship we both nearly died. I was scared and exhausted, constantly sick. He was mentally ill.

I have never had anxiety but it's been hard to sleep lately. I feel so much pain.

I realized I probably didn't experience love from anyone in my life. I never had partner who really cared about my well-being and who would build real valuable life with me.

Often I wonder if I am capable to be with someone normal. If I really want that like I claim I do. It scares me.

I think it's time to find someone normal and I might be ready, but because of the anxiety lately I keep thinking of my ex addicted boyfriend. I wonder if he loved me, if he misses me.

Any of you experienced deepest pain and full extend of what really happened 1 year after no contact?

Choicy

Hi Maya.
I'm an Addict named Angela.
Everything hurt when I started to make changes. There is support here and other places, like therapy and 12 step groups, just for starters...


I needed to become me without the aide of something outside me. You can do it. Hold on to the subtle positive changes and listen to what leads you to less stress and more peace. Some days it's a cartoon, sometimes a car tune like Clapton!

You are necessary. It's your journey. I go through deep pain but there's positive too. I had to fully commit, and commit to trusting somewhere....

Sounds like you are on your way.

Good luck, Love.

MAYA1

Hi Angela, I meant to post to different forum here but thank you for responding and your kind words!

It seems like both addicts and their codependent partners need the same amount of recovery, to find out who they are, not what society is expecting them to be. I have been on my recovery journey for a year now and it's been and eye opener. It's hard and very painful to see the truth but it's so much better than the alternative (keep living in the fog others created for you and call it life).

I am just having really hard week. It seem that every time you are on top of things you discover some new deeper issues. But I know that contacting my addict ex won't help. However the familiarity would definitely be easier.