I want to control my using
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 5
I want to control my using
I found I got to 16 months clean then binged for almost 4 months then got clean again. Then had a little use. Now clean again.
I feel I won't get to the stage where I would be getting sectioned and going crazy like I did in my younger years.
Is this deluded?
I feel I won't get to the stage where I would be getting sectioned and going crazy like I did in my younger years.
Is this deluded?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
If you start back up again, it's just a matter of time before you are back to (or worse than) before.
Has nothing to do with age or knowledge. Your brain is permanently altered after becoming addicted. Stay on the sober side.
Has nothing to do with age or knowledge. Your brain is permanently altered after becoming addicted. Stay on the sober side.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Why did you use?
Why did you get clean?
I used in order to alter my reality. It definitely did that.
I got clean because I hated my reality that had been created by my using.
Why is it called "using", and not of "benefiting from"?
Why is it called "testing dirty" and "getting clean"?
What is good about hitting myself in the head with a hammer?
It feels good when I stop.
Maybe I could occasionally hit myself in the head with a hammer again, instead of having to continually do it, once I have stopped for awhile.
Why did you get clean?
I used in order to alter my reality. It definitely did that.
I got clean because I hated my reality that had been created by my using.
Why is it called "using", and not of "benefiting from"?
Why is it called "testing dirty" and "getting clean"?
What is good about hitting myself in the head with a hammer?
It feels good when I stop.
Maybe I could occasionally hit myself in the head with a hammer again, instead of having to continually do it, once I have stopped for awhile.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Originally Posted by nez 
Why did you use?
Why did you get clean?
I used in order to alter my reality. It definitely did that.
I got clean because I hated my reality that had been created by my using.
Why is it called "using", and not of "benefiting from"?
Why is it called "testing dirty" and "getting clean"?
What is good about hitting myself in the head with a hammer?
It feels good when I stop.
Maybe I could occasionally hit myself in the head with a hammer again, instead of having to continually do it, once I have stopped for awhile.
Why did you get clean?
I used in order to alter my reality. It definitely did that.
I got clean because I hated my reality that had been created by my using.
Why is it called "using", and not of "benefiting from"?
Why is it called "testing dirty" and "getting clean"?
What is good about hitting myself in the head with a hammer?
It feels good when I stop.
Maybe I could occasionally hit myself in the head with a hammer again, instead of having to continually do it, once I have stopped for awhile.
Thank you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 5
Thanks all. To make matters worse as far as being an addict goes. I am 6 months pregnant.
I used over the weekend. Its the second time during my preganacy that i used.
I cant quite get my head around the fact i used.
I am subject to a vluntary agreement known as child in need with social services, but it will almost certainly go to child protection after i told them about my using and had my bump checked over.
I feel so guilty and hopeless and like i want to give up as i feel i shouldnt have got pregnant.
I am working with the professionals and being as open and honest as is required and i am really feeling like i can move forward. I have schizo effective dosorer and emotiona unstable disorder and attachement issues due to being in care and running away and caring for my younger siblings and just generally having a bit of miserable life.
hence id like to start my own family an give the best life i can, but i have failed at this stage.
I already have a daughter too that lives with her dad (not my current partner)
It all seems too much.
I used over the weekend. Its the second time during my preganacy that i used.
I cant quite get my head around the fact i used.
I am subject to a vluntary agreement known as child in need with social services, but it will almost certainly go to child protection after i told them about my using and had my bump checked over.
I feel so guilty and hopeless and like i want to give up as i feel i shouldnt have got pregnant.
I am working with the professionals and being as open and honest as is required and i am really feeling like i can move forward. I have schizo effective dosorer and emotiona unstable disorder and attachement issues due to being in care and running away and caring for my younger siblings and just generally having a bit of miserable life.
hence id like to start my own family an give the best life i can, but i have failed at this stage.
I already have a daughter too that lives with her dad (not my current partner)
It all seems too much.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
Hi r0ses 
I believe anyone can change their live. No matter how crappy anyone's past is, I really believe we have the capacity to rise above that...but it takes a commitment to change and a commitment to making the right decisions.
You have a great chance of breaking out of the cycle that you were born into.
I really hope you take that chance, and really work at it - find support, find help, and use it - change your future not only for yourself but for your unborn child too.
D
I believe anyone can change their live. No matter how crappy anyone's past is, I really believe we have the capacity to rise above that...but it takes a commitment to change and a commitment to making the right decisions.
You have a great chance of breaking out of the cycle that you were born into.
I really hope you take that chance, and really work at it - find support, find help, and use it - change your future not only for yourself but for your unborn child too.
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 198
r0ses,
So it's like this. You're thinking the same way I thought a few years back. Now, I'm here to say that I started like you. A little here...a little there...
Short answer, yes. Very deluded.
Don't take our immediate and blatant YES to heart. You'll find we call it like it is and DO NOT BULL#$%%. So, no BS, yes.
As far as your child. I used to play an attorney on TV...well not really...but working in the medical and legal arenas I can tell you that there are a few things you can do NOW to help keep custody of your child if that's something you want.
I'm sure it is.
Why? Because drugs get you high for minutes...your daughter coming home from school with a picture will get you higher than anything imaginable and yes...I've done enough dilaudid to literally fly off buildings.
Get clean. Stop using. Stay committed to sobriety. Attend meetings. Obtain a sponsor. Keep your head up.
So it's like this. You're thinking the same way I thought a few years back. Now, I'm here to say that I started like you. A little here...a little there...
Short answer, yes. Very deluded.
Don't take our immediate and blatant YES to heart. You'll find we call it like it is and DO NOT BULL#$%%. So, no BS, yes.
As far as your child. I used to play an attorney on TV...well not really...but working in the medical and legal arenas I can tell you that there are a few things you can do NOW to help keep custody of your child if that's something you want.
I'm sure it is.
Why? Because drugs get you high for minutes...your daughter coming home from school with a picture will get you higher than anything imaginable and yes...I've done enough dilaudid to literally fly off buildings.
Get clean. Stop using. Stay committed to sobriety. Attend meetings. Obtain a sponsor. Keep your head up.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 198
r0ses,
Hey there.. How are you doing? We are here for you. This is a zero judgement zone...this is a SAFE place.
I promise you. If it wasn't, I would have left a long time ago.
There are a lot of us here that genuinely care about you...yes, even though we don't know you..It took some trusting and time but I found out there are people that actually care and want me to succeed and become healthy...and yeah, I've never met them.
I'm sorry this is so long-winded...I sincerely hope you're doing well. We are here for you.
- Josh
Hey there.. How are you doing? We are here for you. This is a zero judgement zone...this is a SAFE place.
I promise you. If it wasn't, I would have left a long time ago.
There are a lot of us here that genuinely care about you...yes, even though we don't know you..It took some trusting and time but I found out there are people that actually care and want me to succeed and become healthy...and yeah, I've never met them.
I'm sorry this is so long-winded...I sincerely hope you're doing well. We are here for you.
- Josh
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 5
Hi, i am doing ok thank you. Today has been a bit difficult but i stayed clean.
Been a week since my lapse. I just wish i wasn't under so much surveillance from authority but i do understand why, i really do understand why.
I used to go NA, my partner goes now, but i have state treatment. I find the treatment service i use a lot more attractive.
Been a week since my lapse. I just wish i wasn't under so much surveillance from authority but i do understand why, i really do understand why.
I used to go NA, my partner goes now, but i have state treatment. I find the treatment service i use a lot more attractive.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
please comply with all the surveillance - they are there for you but even moreso for that baby that has no choice in what you take into your body. appreciate all the support you do have. many do not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 5
Hi we are doing well thank you. Staying clean and taking whatever help i can get.
I will beusing the forum more as i feel isolated alot of the time. So thanks all for your words of advice and kind welcoming.
I will beusing the forum more as i feel isolated alot of the time. So thanks all for your words of advice and kind welcoming.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 198
Originally Posted by r0ses
Hi we are doing well thank you. Staying clean and taking whatever help i can get.
I will beusing the forum more as i feel isolated alot of the time. So thanks all for your words of advice and kind welcoming.
I will beusing the forum more as i feel isolated alot of the time. So thanks all for your words of advice and kind welcoming.
How are you and your partner doing?
Don't forget about us..we are here to help you and support you in any way!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by CallMeJosh
r0ses,
How are you and your partner doing?
Don't forget about us..we are here to help you and support you in any way!
How are you and your partner doing?
Don't forget about us..we are here to help you and support you in any way!
It helps me put in perspective how we are doing really.
And im not sure where to start, how about we are both still clean. 16 days in total since our lapse.
Our unborn childs social worker is on leave for two weeks so any proceedings are on hold.
All the other agencies like mental health, drug treatment etc are around though.
Likely to go from child in need to child protection. which sounds daunting, and also feels uncomfortable. But i feel confident it will help.
It already has tbh.
So yeah, feeling mixed atm.
Late stage optimist
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Auburn, WA
Posts: 306
Hi, r0ses:
The child issue is stressful for any parent who can't stop their drug and/or alcohol use. I am assuming that other relatives are involved with any court action to move the child from your custody.
If you have access to inpatient treatment I would suggest you consider that option after getting a valid chemical dependency assessment from a licensed professional. An Oxford House or other similar clean and sober housing after completion of inpatient or intensive outpatient treatment would really help you get some miles on your recovery.
A 12 Step or other sober support structured recovery support group would help you find long term (more than two years) abstinence success.
If you want to keep doing it your way, you will continue to find failure in recovery. Recovery is more than "being clean" or "being sober". It is a full and comprehensive lifestyle change and a psychic change brought about by a willingness to do whatever it takes to accept a program of success given to you by others who know more than you do about recovery.
The child issue is stressful for any parent who can't stop their drug and/or alcohol use. I am assuming that other relatives are involved with any court action to move the child from your custody.
If you have access to inpatient treatment I would suggest you consider that option after getting a valid chemical dependency assessment from a licensed professional. An Oxford House or other similar clean and sober housing after completion of inpatient or intensive outpatient treatment would really help you get some miles on your recovery.
A 12 Step or other sober support structured recovery support group would help you find long term (more than two years) abstinence success.
If you want to keep doing it your way, you will continue to find failure in recovery. Recovery is more than "being clean" or "being sober". It is a full and comprehensive lifestyle change and a psychic change brought about by a willingness to do whatever it takes to accept a program of success given to you by others who know more than you do about recovery.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
