Incontrol15

Quit Alcohol 4/20/15.

Before that, a bunch of other stuff that didn't require needles. But if I could swallow it, snort it, or stick in through the exit door, I did it and most likely abused it.

I am on a journey again. OR..been on one the whole time and was sleeping behind the wheel. Either way...I have a fresh fill of coffee and eagerly heading east to a new day.

I'm no in the mood to lay out how I got where I am, but I addicted to kratom. Taking up to 40 grams a day, not following a schedule as much as chasing a feeling.

It seems every quit has a huge "uh-huh" moment with it. This one is spiritual growth. Something I completely ignored for the last 40yrs. I'm giving my 1st years to possibly doing something for it. I've been listening to Dr. Waye Deyer who is an awesome spiritual teacher, and I met a spiritual teacher near me last week. Been meditating to get in touch with me too, and the powers within me.

My fear is that it's just another cycle of addiction though; come to a crossroads, examine myself, find a problem, then go all in. There's a difference this time though as my spiritual path began before I came to that crossroad, and quitting kratom became a desire so I could reach that place in myself without substances in the way.

I'm on a taper program. Took 3 days to level out at 32g, and been dropping since. Currently at 18g, going for 16 today. I am just coming off 4 days of not following my plan though. My doses were 20-25g, wasn't logging, and ultimately letting my mood determine the dose.

I am very glad to say I am back on track. That was a close one as in the past, I would go for weeks and months.

I also want to get out there that I am a huge liar and let my ego control me too much. I lied and hid this from my fiance and from my April 2015 alcohol group. So...I wouldn't trust me too much if I were you.

I feel like I am overcoming it. But again...only time will tell. Shoot, I'm so bad, I lied to a nicotine quit group via posting and texts for over 500 days straight. Just came clean on that today. I am a huge liar.

My quit plan this go around is addressing these root issues. My quit plan does not include dose amounts, times, dates, or anything like that. At least not at the moment.

I am hitting 30 NA meetings in 30 days. Just dusted off my SMART recovery book that I never did, and focusing on the issues that are obvious and right in front of me. Like lying.

I am not over thinking things anymore. Done with that. Instead, I am working overtime to touch base with the powers in me that are all knowing and loving, and letting it steer the course. Not able to set up a quick and clear communication chain there yet, partially due to kratom, but I feel if I exercise that muscle, it will get easier.

I'm also giving in the NA program. No reason for me to figure out what is wrong, why, what is important, what the priorities are, or find answers, trouble shoot, etc. I don't trust myself and honestly, I didn't have the energy for it anymore. This is one of my BIGGEST takeaways from this addiction. HUGE. I am SUPER appreciative of that and extremely relieved that pressure is off my shoulders.

I am currently unemployed after my company filed chapter 7 and on the hunt for a job which takes a lot of time, as well as getting support from quittingkratom at reddit, NA, SMART, and of course my April brothers that love me even though I'm a liar. At least they get me.

So...I may not be here all that often. At least once a day is my hope.

For now...
Just an intro. I am an addict and have been an addict for several years, even though I may have stretches without the addiction involving a pill, powder, or liquid. But the addict is always there and always doing addictive behaviors.

I am on a journey to keep all that in check. At a minimum, that's where I see NA as a huge help. Always talking about addictive behaviors will help me make sure I am doing the right things. Otherwise, I forget I'm am an addict until I get addicted to something different.

teatreeoil007

Well said, InControl. I like your honesty here, even though you say you're a liar. Well, most people lie right and left, but aren't honest about lying. I'd be lying if I said I never lied. I like how you contribute to this forum and get help from your posts. So keep at it.

Incontrol15

Thank you TT. I'm digging this honesty stuff. The responses are not ever as bad as I think. But ultimately it comes down to pride. I have to watch me ego.

I've been humble, and I hope I continue to be. No idea how to strengthen it other than flex that muscle every single opportunity I can.

NA meeting today was just OK. The big win, is I want to end this taper I'm on after every meeting. I cant participate until I'm clean. I want to be fully engaged. I want a sponsor. Heck, I want to be a sponsor one day.

I'm sticking to my taper though due to job hunting. The desire to quit still has to be strong, probably more so for a taper. It's an ongoing battle, day after day. I'm guaranteed to have these battles till I quit, then for another couple months after that.

So for now, I'm doing everything to keep the desire strong, with NA being the most effective. Meditation is in 2nd place. I'd like to make it 1st. I just need to spend more time connecting to my own internal higher power. The me that is all loving and knowing. He's there. I can sense it.

doggonecarl

You spoke of lying. As an addict myself, I had to learn to recognize lying in all its forms. Tapering, for me, was lying. Lying to myself...my addiction lying to me.

If you are going to battle...battle with cold turkey. There is honesty in flat out quitting.

Incontrol15

You are right. I'm not ready to quit as is evident by my binging days which takes a week to get back on track. I am lying to myself. I'm a slave to addiction again. Or still.

Dee74

I'll be frank cos I know you appreciate that.

From my own experience, I think 'not ready to quit' is a particular type of BS we feed ourselves with Inc.

Either your addictions driving the bus or you are.
Best choose before she goes off the side of the mountain, Inc.

D

Pepsi16710

I think I have seen your posts in the subreddit. I have been posting over there too, but used this site to kick booze and thought it would be helpful to visit. I quit CT 5 days ago after 20-30g day habit. Couldn't taper worth **** and would "celebrate" with a big dose once I reduced a few grams or so. So ****** up. Also, had been hiding the fact "I got addicted" from my wife for last 8 months, and decided to come clean. She's been supportive, but does not really get how addicting Kratom. This **** sucks and just know there are others exactly in your boat. My plan was to quit on a Thursday night at 11:30pm, when I took my usual last dose of day. Then went into work with withdrawals next morning but had to leave work. Took a Valium and supplements Just sat through the suck, walked the dog; whatever. Been just white knuckling it bc I want off this **** so bad. Have used some prescribed gabapentin and prescribe klonopin to help. Good luck to you - you can do this too.

Clarity12

Hey just saying I see you there. Me too with the Kratom. I've posted a but on the quit kratom reddit too, I'm 23SigmaTropic.

Incontrol15

Hope all is going well!

Incontrol15

Figured I'd swing buy and keep this thread from dying. Was pretty rude of me to open it up then ignore it.

So I've been on and off my taper since July 1st. Mostly on. I was taking over 45g a day of this green sludge, now I'm at 14g.

I just got over a small case of depression which was brought on by making an aggressive 30% drop in one day. I was fine for the first day and well into the 2nd. But then that night I was moody and went to bed early because of it.

The next day that moodiness shifted gears and became low-level depression. By the 3rd day, I lost committment to my taper and ended up 6g over plan.

Super frustrating. But I am very happy that I got a grip THAT night instead of rolling off the wagon for days.

I also learned a couple things.

First, I need to Meditate every single day. There's more to the story here. But I really feel if I dedicated some solid meditation time in that time frame, I could have prevented moodiness from turning into depression. Maybe.

I also came to realize something. The reason I am tapering is because I simply cannot deal with the level of depression that quitting Kratom CT brings about.

Too many things have happened the past few years, and I've bee through too many PAWS with each one getting worse. I simply get way too suicidal. I do not want to return there.

Well, the idea of tapering is to spread out the WD or even eliminate it by going super slow. So by having a little depression now, that means I'll be less depressed later. Right? Sure. That's what I'm going with.

This way I can accept the depression. Actually be thankful for it. I'm betting the depression will just evaporate after I accept it too. For sure, it'll lose some air.

It's tough to taper. I've been performing in this 3 ring poop show now for 3 months. If I had CT, I'd be over the worst of everything, including PAWS.

In this time, I've been playing around trying to find a taper program that works for me. So that's taken some time. And I had a week or so when I fell of the wagon as well as a few days here and there early on.

The plan that seems to work best for me is to make a drop of around 10%, then stay there for 3 days.

Most symptoms takes 48hrs to manifest. So following this guideline, I have 1 poopy day, then 1 more poopy day, then 1 good day.

I've learned the hard way that I can only push myself for so long before I quit. This routine gives me 2 good days a week.

My schedule has been tweaked to mirror my fiance schedule so my good days are her off days. I make a. 20% drop on Sunday and sit there for 4 days so Wednesday is a good day.

Then on Friday, I make a 10% drop so I'm good on Saturday.

It's a newer routine. One that was suggested by someone at reddit/quittingkratom.

Last week though, I got aggressive and made a huge 30% drop on Thursday because I was feeling great and wanted off this carnival ride sooner.

But... As I reported above... It ended up back firing.

So that's my update. I am determined more than ever to end this, and I am more bullish than ever on using a taper to reduce depression later on.