The Hydro Thread
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Originally Posted by Marcus 
Sorry to hear that Sugar. PM me if you want. It does take a little time to get your head on straight. You were doing good you just made some bad decisions. Early sobriety sucks at times, but if you look back at some of your posts (like when you hit 30 days clean) you can see there was hope. I know it is easy to romanticize using when you are feeling down, but is using really going to fix things? You can look back at your posts on that too. It really is a dead end and maybe it worked at one time, but those days are long gone.
I hope you can reach back out for support and what was working. We are here and do care!!!
I hope you can reach back out for support and what was working. We are here and do care!!!
Thank you, my friend.
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Originally Posted by jaynie04
Hey sugar. I wanted to let you know I am pulling for you. And for what it's worth, I think your writing is beautiful, and to me, that is a real gift. It takes real depth to be able to convey feelings like you do, you are special and you are worth fighting for.
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Hey sugar. There is a book called the Power of Habit, I think the pdf link is available free online. Understanding the physical mechanisms behind what was going on really helped me, it was like peeking behind the curtains. I would liken it to reading The Art of War, in order to fight you have to know your enemy.
Breaking the habit loop is difficult, no way around that. But, the hard work is up front. When a habit is new it requires the brain to use a large amount of energy to complete that task (prefrontal cortex). As a task is mastered it is transferred from the executive part of our brain to a part of the brain that requires less energy.
It is why we like to sleep on the same side of the bed, the way we brush our teeth, etc. All of those daily functions we perform without much thought.
When you are first getting clean you are calling on the part of your brain that uses the most energy, and we can all feel that resistance. I am not involved in any 12 step method but the book does address the repetitive nature of 12 step programs and how just going through the motions breaks the habit loop.
I heard once that if in early days it feels like a warm bath it probably isn't the right choice. You need to be a warrior, you need to face this thing once and for all. The first few days are hard but a lot of times the rush of possibility carries us forward. I think it is when we hit the doldrums that the real challenge begins. I went to rehab for a month. The morning I was leaving I was alone in my room with my bag on the bed. I had this glimpse of myself in this space and realized that I was at a huge crossroads. It was almost like being out of body, I was like , "here it is, this is the beginning, how is this going to end".
I had this overwhelming feeling all of a sudden. I realized that I write the end. I am the one that is in complete control of how my life story will be written. It is really hard when we are in those small, day to day, private moments, when using is all we can think about. It is hard to zoom out to the bigger picture. But the bigger picture is simply a compilation of a lot of tiny choices.
The first few days feel like an epiphany, but understanding the physiological mechanisms behind what is pushing you when the stress or dullness hits demystifies the process. Here is an article about brain plasticity, the more you know the easier it is to throw up roadblocks https://books.google.com/books?id=hC...0brain&f=false
You can do this. You decide where you are going to be a week from now, a month from now, a year from now. You decide. You can do this. And when you hit that plateau and feel least like a warrior is when you really are a warrior.
Breaking the habit loop is difficult, no way around that. But, the hard work is up front. When a habit is new it requires the brain to use a large amount of energy to complete that task (prefrontal cortex). As a task is mastered it is transferred from the executive part of our brain to a part of the brain that requires less energy.
It is why we like to sleep on the same side of the bed, the way we brush our teeth, etc. All of those daily functions we perform without much thought.
When you are first getting clean you are calling on the part of your brain that uses the most energy, and we can all feel that resistance. I am not involved in any 12 step method but the book does address the repetitive nature of 12 step programs and how just going through the motions breaks the habit loop.
I heard once that if in early days it feels like a warm bath it probably isn't the right choice. You need to be a warrior, you need to face this thing once and for all. The first few days are hard but a lot of times the rush of possibility carries us forward. I think it is when we hit the doldrums that the real challenge begins. I went to rehab for a month. The morning I was leaving I was alone in my room with my bag on the bed. I had this glimpse of myself in this space and realized that I was at a huge crossroads. It was almost like being out of body, I was like , "here it is, this is the beginning, how is this going to end".
I had this overwhelming feeling all of a sudden. I realized that I write the end. I am the one that is in complete control of how my life story will be written. It is really hard when we are in those small, day to day, private moments, when using is all we can think about. It is hard to zoom out to the bigger picture. But the bigger picture is simply a compilation of a lot of tiny choices.
The first few days feel like an epiphany, but understanding the physiological mechanisms behind what is pushing you when the stress or dullness hits demystifies the process. Here is an article about brain plasticity, the more you know the easier it is to throw up roadblocks https://books.google.com/books?id=hC...0brain&f=false
You can do this. You decide where you are going to be a week from now, a month from now, a year from now. You decide. You can do this. And when you hit that plateau and feel least like a warrior is when you really are a warrior.
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PS: When I was newly clean and sober I went to a garage and had windshield wiper fluid put in my car. A small, stupid little task that most people would complete without a thought. After years of neglecting little things like that, never having my act together, I felt like Wonder Woman. All around me people were just going through the motions of day to day life and here I was, absolutely amazed at my awesomeness....
. It was 4 years ago and I still remember that moment and standing there with the secret knowledge that I was reentering the stream of life was incredible!!!
. It was 4 years ago and I still remember that moment and standing there with the secret knowledge that I was reentering the stream of life was incredible!!!
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That sounds like a great book Jaynie and I couldn't agree more about the power of creating new habits / routines. It is not unlike other things - quitting smoking, eating right, or starting a new exercise routine. It is really hard in the beginning and you have to stay committed. You often don't realize the benefits in the beginning it just feels impossibly hard and there are times you want to give up. I had to take ownership of my recovery. In the end it was up to me. That didn't mean I had to do it alone, but I had to be a willing participant in the process.
The shift in mentality from being a victim to having the ability to "write the end" as you say is very empowering. That didn't mean it was going to be easy, but when it did get hard I could remember that. Learning to say NO to myself when those crazy impulsive thoughts would come. Yes hard at first, but becomes a habit after doing it a while.
I like the story about the windshield wiper fluid. I totally relate to that. That is another thing it was not just about NOT doing things (drinking / drugging). It was about actually doing things that I was neglecting. Trying some new things (daily meditation for example) and committing to those things everyday. Little changes and small victories can yield huge results - Wonder Woman results apparently :-) !!!
I couldn't allow myself to just sit around like a lump on a log I had to push myself at times. Again tell myself NO I am not going to take the old path I am going to take the NEW path. As I did this more and more it became easier and I started to fully understand the benefits of the changes I was making and new habits I was developing. So then even when I didn't necessarily feel like doing something I knew from past experience the benefits of doing it. I had developed a new routine / habit so doing it was not all that hard anymore. NOT doing things like drinking / drugging became easy too because I knew exactly where that path lead.
It is a new day Sugar. You don't have to do it anymore. You deserve more. Get mad, take a stand, and make a change :-)
The shift in mentality from being a victim to having the ability to "write the end" as you say is very empowering. That didn't mean it was going to be easy, but when it did get hard I could remember that. Learning to say NO to myself when those crazy impulsive thoughts would come. Yes hard at first, but becomes a habit after doing it a while.
I like the story about the windshield wiper fluid. I totally relate to that. That is another thing it was not just about NOT doing things (drinking / drugging). It was about actually doing things that I was neglecting. Trying some new things (daily meditation for example) and committing to those things everyday. Little changes and small victories can yield huge results - Wonder Woman results apparently :-) !!!
I couldn't allow myself to just sit around like a lump on a log I had to push myself at times. Again tell myself NO I am not going to take the old path I am going to take the NEW path. As I did this more and more it became easier and I started to fully understand the benefits of the changes I was making and new habits I was developing. So then even when I didn't necessarily feel like doing something I knew from past experience the benefits of doing it. I had developed a new routine / habit so doing it was not all that hard anymore. NOT doing things like drinking / drugging became easy too because I knew exactly where that path lead.
It is a new day Sugar. You don't have to do it anymore. You deserve more. Get mad, take a stand, and make a change :-)
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Hey Sugar,
Just read through a couple of pages of this thread and I can relate to alot of your story. I had a nasty oxycodone and benzo habit for quite a few years, and am coming up on 8 months benzo free and 6 months opiate free. What I did was quit both CT (medically this is not the safest advice, not recommending it in any way). I attended treatment after this, which was the most important thing I've done in my entire life. There I was introduced to a new way of life, a life filled with honesty. In no way am I trying to preach, but in order to see a difference in my life I had to make drastic changes. I know how seductive xanax and hydrocodone can be, as I've had the same combo hundreds of times. I also know the feeling of natural endorphins and the love of a significant others with time in recovery trumps ANY chemical high out there. Keep your head up, life gets so much better on the other side. Addiction is a disease, and only someone who has been through this thing can truly relate.
Just read through a couple of pages of this thread and I can relate to alot of your story. I had a nasty oxycodone and benzo habit for quite a few years, and am coming up on 8 months benzo free and 6 months opiate free. What I did was quit both CT (medically this is not the safest advice, not recommending it in any way). I attended treatment after this, which was the most important thing I've done in my entire life. There I was introduced to a new way of life, a life filled with honesty. In no way am I trying to preach, but in order to see a difference in my life I had to make drastic changes. I know how seductive xanax and hydrocodone can be, as I've had the same combo hundreds of times. I also know the feeling of natural endorphins and the love of a significant others with time in recovery trumps ANY chemical high out there. Keep your head up, life gets so much better on the other side. Addiction is a disease, and only someone who has been through this thing can truly relate.
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Hey guys.....
Thanks for the posts and all the words of wisdom. I am trying something new, now. When I don't want to do something, like go to meeting or get out of bed, I tell myself to do it anyway. That's my new motto.... Do it anyway.
So, I have to have two more oral surgeries. And the first one is on the first of June. I am tripping out about it. And about what I am going to do about the pain meds. All of it. Once it's all done, I will have my smile back, I hope, but I don't wanna do it. Man, I sound like a kid!! lol
Not really a lot going on these days. Trying to stay sober and get to meetings. Wish I had more to report, but I still feel really frozen and want to isolate. Like, I didn't want to post today, but I did it anyway. See?? My new motto is working!!
I hope everyone is doing super, and I so appreciate everyone who reaches out and talks to me and shares with me. You are all the reason I am sober today. And, yes, I am sober today!!
Love you guys.
Thanks for the posts and all the words of wisdom. I am trying something new, now. When I don't want to do something, like go to meeting or get out of bed, I tell myself to do it anyway. That's my new motto.... Do it anyway.
So, I have to have two more oral surgeries. And the first one is on the first of June. I am tripping out about it. And about what I am going to do about the pain meds. All of it. Once it's all done, I will have my smile back, I hope, but I don't wanna do it. Man, I sound like a kid!! lol
Not really a lot going on these days. Trying to stay sober and get to meetings. Wish I had more to report, but I still feel really frozen and want to isolate. Like, I didn't want to post today, but I did it anyway. See?? My new motto is working!!
I hope everyone is doing super, and I so appreciate everyone who reaches out and talks to me and shares with me. You are all the reason I am sober today. And, yes, I am sober today!!
Love you guys.
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Do It Anyway
Great motto sugar!! I've been trying to follow that too...especially with things that feel like chores and things I need to do but don't FEEL like doing.....WAAAAA(poor me)...I tell myself do it anyway and you'll feel better after you do and I DO feel better after I do it. Just got done cleaning the kitchen and catching up on the laundry and putting away the groceries and now we are approaching dinner. Next it will be bills and especially that ticket I need to pay by the end of the month...yikes!! Excellence in the ordinary. We can do this!! There is a poem called "Do It Anyway"...I'll see if I can find it.
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Anyway
Okay-not sure if this is the same one I was originally thinking of, but it's a song recorded here by the fabulous Martina McBride. She's got a set of lungs. Great song, great message.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uLtyzRgmyI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uLtyzRgmyI
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Mother Teresa's Poem
Mother Teresa's Anyway Poem
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
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THAT was the song I was thinking of when I picked up that motto. I could hear it playing in my head, but I didn't know the name or who sang it. Thanks so much, Tea!! That's going on my playlist tonight!!
No matter what....Do it anyway.
Awesome.
No matter what....Do it anyway.
Awesome.
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Hey guys....
Having a really rough time right now. Can't get to any meetings. I think I probably need a different sponsor. My oral surgery is day after tomorrow. That will keep me in the house and isolated for a while. My mind just keeps going over and over stuff that needs to be done. I can't sleep or eat and I am so lonely I want to die. And I see no end in sight. Just day after day of this....whatever.
I am just so...I don't know. I need something, I just don't know what that something is. I am so overwhelmed by my feelings of loneliness, depression, anxiety and boredom I can barely stand myself. I want to be sober so bad but I am starting to feel like I may die in this. Because I don't know how to fix it anymore. There's no band aid in the world big enough for this mess.
I am just really tired.
Sorry for the doom and gloom.
Love you guys.
Having a really rough time right now. Can't get to any meetings. I think I probably need a different sponsor. My oral surgery is day after tomorrow. That will keep me in the house and isolated for a while. My mind just keeps going over and over stuff that needs to be done. I can't sleep or eat and I am so lonely I want to die. And I see no end in sight. Just day after day of this....whatever.
I am just so...I don't know. I need something, I just don't know what that something is. I am so overwhelmed by my feelings of loneliness, depression, anxiety and boredom I can barely stand myself. I want to be sober so bad but I am starting to feel like I may die in this. Because I don't know how to fix it anymore. There's no band aid in the world big enough for this mess.
I am just really tired.
Sorry for the doom and gloom.
Love you guys.
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Originally Posted by sugarangel
Hey guys....
Having a really rough time right now. Can't get to any meetings. I think I probably need a different sponsor. My oral surgery is day after tomorrow. That will keep me in the house and isolated for a while. My mind just keeps going over and over stuff that needs to be done. I can't sleep or eat and I am so lonely I want to die. And I see no end in sight. Just day after day of this....whatever.
I am just so...I don't know. I need something, I just don't know what that something is. I am so overwhelmed by my feelings of loneliness, depression, anxiety and boredom I can barely stand myself. I want to be sober so bad but I am starting to feel like I may die in this. Because I don't know how to fix it anymore. There's no band aid in the world big enough for this mess.
I am just really tired.
Sorry for the doom and gloom.
Love you guys.
Having a really rough time right now. Can't get to any meetings. I think I probably need a different sponsor. My oral surgery is day after tomorrow. That will keep me in the house and isolated for a while. My mind just keeps going over and over stuff that needs to be done. I can't sleep or eat and I am so lonely I want to die. And I see no end in sight. Just day after day of this....whatever.
I am just so...I don't know. I need something, I just don't know what that something is. I am so overwhelmed by my feelings of loneliness, depression, anxiety and boredom I can barely stand myself. I want to be sober so bad but I am starting to feel like I may die in this. Because I don't know how to fix it anymore. There's no band aid in the world big enough for this mess.
I am just really tired.
Sorry for the doom and gloom.
Love you guys.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by sugarangel
Hey guys....
Having a really rough time right now. Can't get to any meetings. I think I probably need a different sponsor. My oral surgery is day after tomorrow. That will keep me in the house and isolated for a while. My mind just keeps going over and over stuff that needs to be done. I can't sleep or eat and I am so lonely I want to die. And I see no end in sight. Just day after day of this....whatever.
I am just so...I don't know. I need something, I just don't know what that something is. I am so overwhelmed by my feelings of loneliness, depression, anxiety and boredom I can barely stand myself. I want to be sober so bad but I am starting to feel like I may die in this. Because I don't know how to fix it anymore. There's no band aid in the world big enough for this mess.
I am just really tired.
Sorry for the doom and gloom.
Love you guys.
Having a really rough time right now. Can't get to any meetings. I think I probably need a different sponsor. My oral surgery is day after tomorrow. That will keep me in the house and isolated for a while. My mind just keeps going over and over stuff that needs to be done. I can't sleep or eat and I am so lonely I want to die. And I see no end in sight. Just day after day of this....whatever.
I am just so...I don't know. I need something, I just don't know what that something is. I am so overwhelmed by my feelings of loneliness, depression, anxiety and boredom I can barely stand myself. I want to be sober so bad but I am starting to feel like I may die in this. Because I don't know how to fix it anymore. There's no band aid in the world big enough for this mess.
I am just really tired.
Sorry for the doom and gloom.
Love you guys.
How to bust out? How to break out? It sounds like you feel STUCK and if you are stuck in something that is not making you miserable, that's more bearable. But if you feel stuck in something and you feel miserable about it? Just yuck.
So, what to do: We all know how this feels. I believe...I really do believe we become what we think. Now, think about that. You become what you think. Intention.
Do you feel 'stuck' with a sponser who does not have YOUR best interests at heart? Do you feel stuck depending on other people who turn and flake out on you? Do you feel stuck in doing the same thing day in and day out and ending up feeling yucky at the end of the day and so tired and worn out and yet cannot SLEEP?
It's time to break out baby.
Time to make some changes. And it can start with little changes. It starts by changing your thinking. Do something different today and tomorrow than you usually do. Maybe it's just taking a different route than your usual route; a different pattern. Change it up; even if it's just a little change up.
Because you know what happens when you do something different? You actually REWIRE your brain. That is one way to rewire your brain and change your thought patterns....
Here are some examples of how I've decided to rewire my brain some more> Over the weekend when I went outside for my long walk I took a COMPLETELY different route than I usually take and I challenged myself to go farther and longer than usual. I've decided I'm going to play a piece on my guitar DIFFERENTLY than I usually do...when I get up in the morning, I'm going to resist my usual habits of how I start my day....just doing something different (even if it's just a little thing) I am in the process of rewiring my brain. And I tell myself that is what I'm doing..
I've never been a huge goal setter over the last several years of my life.But, I really do ADMIRE people who set goals and work to acheive them. So, if I want to be more of a goal setter I realized I need to do like goal setters do. If I want to be more fit I need to do like fit people do. If I want to be more responsible with money, I need to do what those types of people do. If I want to be more creative I need to do what creative people do. So, I need to LEARN from others; find out what it is that they do that is 'working' for them.
Now, addiction has a TREMENDOUS gravitational pull that is hard to break away from. But it can be done and I have found it's helpful to be inspired by others who are doing well and are happy and healthy and balanced and realize that it wasn't EASY for them either.
Sometimes we're weak and sometimes we're strong. The strong can help the weak, but weak have a strength too....in our hour of greatest weakness, I truly believe there is a Power so much greater than we can comprehend that is there to help us. Call on that Power.
Pray. Prayer also rewires our brains.
Try not to fret about the upcoming oral surgery, sugar. It will be okay. And, you really DON'T have to be isolated because of it, you really don't.
It sounds like to me you may need a new sponser...the "spirit" has left the sponsership and is no longer working. I'm not the one to decide if it can be resurrected or not. "If the spirit has left, take the body with it", someone used to say about a job that is no longer a good fit and they have no more passion for it. If you HATE where you are, start changing.
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