Meyekell

I wonder if he has any remorse
When he pulls up to my place
Day after day

Dropping off pebbles
In exchange for
Whole pay checks

I can't seem to get 48 hours
Never mind 72

I run out of work
I wake up when he calls

I don't have any fight left in me

I don't even feel the high
Most of the time
Anymore

I've had so many chances at life
That I've ignored or lost

I've had a few years
Years ago
Where I was free from the cycle
The pot in the summer
But when winter comes
The rocks resume
And I'm left broke and broken

But those years---

They feel as distant as yesterday does
After a sleepless night
And the despair when morning comes.

CaringScared

This is powerful. Did you write this?

EternalNow

This is very moving. The sense of time and its slow crawl is woven throughout the lines and images of the poem and fills me with a sense of pain and looking back. The poem helps me to remember. Thanks for sharing.

Meyekell

Yes. I'm really struggling right now - I wrote it this morning.

Meyekell

Thanks -

I wish it was remembering for me. Did you use crack?

EternalNow

No crack but a lot of Coke went up my nose. I'm from the old days.

Meyekell

I see.

I guess it's all the same disease.

CaringScared

I'm so sorry. I'm not sure what to say, but I'm glad you shared this poem with us. You have so much worth as a person. I hope you keep posting.

teatreeoil007

I like your poem!

Meyekell

Ya know it doesn't feel that way most of the time.

I'm trying to get clean with outpatient rehab and therapy --- I'm so freaking frustrated.


Does anyone have some advice on how to string 72 hours together? I hear it gets a little easier once it's out of your system.

teatreeoil007

I don't have experience in using crack, but have witnessed crack withdrawals. To my knowledge there is a 48-72 hour window of time that your urine would test positive.

However, there is a pretty strong psychological withdrawal that has to be endured as well. I have been told by someone that cocaine is not physically addictive; just psychologically...I don't believe that. I've seen people with some pretty severe physical withdrawals including chest pain; although the chest pain could have been related to anxiety/panic attack, hard to tell sometimes. The thing about crack and cocaine is the "highs" don't get as high and the "lows" get lower. Hang in there; you can do this and you'll feel so much better.

NOWisNOW

a flawless masterpiece...
absolutely beautiful and poignant

very much like NINE INCH NAILS 'Something i Can Never Have'

i can help but say having seen every aspect described it's almost overwhelming
thank you so much for sharing

NOWisNOW

60+ days inpatient last spring then almost a month sober afterwards, then with little concern for progress made and a coupla not so great days, misunderstanding social situations, etc and blew myself off the map

apparently it can only be fought one day at a time
barely 12th day clean here and it calls my name still

a counselor from treatment with our same DOC once told me 'whoever first got us to try it must have really hated us...'

peace and strength tonight =^.^=

Meyekell

And peace and strength to you. I don't resent Jersey, the guy who first introduced me to it --- I imagine all the people who I showed how to hit a stem probably hate me, but I didn't hate them. I needed them, their money or their approval to continue doing what I was doing. Now I'm pretty well isolated and use alone.

Thanks so much for responding --- 12 days is something to be grateful for. I know that once I get to a certain point in sobriety, I start to hear the voice in my head say "I never want to go back to that hell" instead of "maybe if I just don't tell anyone, I can get away with 10 more". That's a miraculous day - and it will come for you. I struggle to believe that it will come for me --- while right now, I'm sober since the writing of this poem - my brain is still firing thoughts like "one more time" or "its hopeless."


I went to my outpatient, my psychiatrist, my therapist, and a meeting today --- and still the damn thoughts. Talk about frustrating.

Meyekell

Wow --- What a compliment.

That song makes me tense up and tear up every time he gets to "just a fading f---ing reminder of who I used to be..."

NOWisNOW

...how you have you been doing ?

Omnom

Keep fighting. It's a battle for sure. I have been clean for over a year now but I had to move 1000 miles away to do it. I have no regrets now. I didn't want to be lost and I had to do for me what was needed. It's hard but will power is the strongest thing ever. You can do it!!

Omnom

My doc was crack as well. I still think about it and get cravings but I can't get any and there is no way to even be tempted. I removed myself from the equation completely. For me.. It was the only way.

NOWisNOW

my own personal situation has become absolutely desolate upon an pretty much unforeseen job termination *non drug related* and having mistakenly went to stay with my parents a coupla weeks before after a toxic relationship, she an alcoholic me crack addiction exploded...now daily fights with my father and i squandered the remaining funds i had on a four day binge
once i managed to stop despite an offer by a attractive 'escort' to team up i.e. here in Birmingham prostitution is mostly digital via a site called BACKPAGE and generally the women prefer to have a male backup waiting in the parking lot while they do 'dates' to intercede in the event things get outta had hand... i've sadly been a part of this lifestyle several times over these last now 1200 days since crack has been introduced into my life as a survival mode

an absolutely heartbreaking existence for all involved

instead i am at the public library today online instead seeking some form of help instead of going that route again

it would be easier to go find that woman and take up the offer than get an ongoing form of support but 2 of the 3 'jails, death or institutions' most likely would be the outcome
the internal struggle is intense this very moment
i want to be a good person again
thanks for reading, bout to log off and go fight for the better life
=^.^=