lost my sobriety...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
lost my sobriety...
okay i'll keep it brief for now but the combined addiction of crack cocaine and s&m pornography are destroying my life again, last may and june i was in treatment for the cocaine and between the healthy environment and support while there made significant progress with 90something day with out either *tho the sexual issue was never discussed* anyhoo after a PERCEIVED rejection from a female friend i relapsed it's now escalating and has started deteriorating all aspects of my life
i'm frightened for the first time in my life because i'd experienced a normal life and let it slip away and mostly now it's just a reflex/compulsion
thx for reading
=^.^=
i'm frightened for the first time in my life because i'd experienced a normal life and let it slip away and mostly now it's just a reflex/compulsion
thx for reading
=^.^=
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: ohio
Posts: 173
Originally Posted by NOWisNOW 
okay i'll keep it brief for now but the combined addiction of crack cocaine and s&m pornography are destroying my life again, last may and june i was in treatment for the cocaine and between the healthy environment and support while there made significant progress with 90something day with out either *tho the sexual issue was never discussed* anyhoo after a PERCEIVED rejection from a female friend i relapsed it's now escalating and has started deteriorating all aspects of my life
i'm frightened for the first time in my life because i'd experienced a normal life and let it slip away and mostly now it's just a reflex/compulsion
thx for reading
=^.^=
i'm frightened for the first time in my life because i'd experienced a normal life and let it slip away and mostly now it's just a reflex/compulsion
thx for reading
=^.^=
once i started getting off drugs i realized sex was good enough normal. you can spice it up still but the addiction of doing crazy stuff kinda fades away after youve tried new ideas. after i did the whole bondage thing i lost interest in it just like everything else you get bored of it. if your partner is sober they are most likely happy with regular sex and nothing to outrageous. so i wouldnt worry about that
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
thanks guys...
what does the BIG BOOK say bout 'some would have the same bland for all while others would have a straight pepper diet...' tho that only kinda addresses the issue vaguely, ultimately it's the cycle of driving myself into sensory overload with these two elements and cheating myself outta normal healthy relationship
i do not particularly enjoy the behavior that has evolved and honestly am concerned since i now seek even more unhealthy degrading images and find myself considering injecting cocaine rather than smoke because i am unable to 'achieve' what i once could...
posting here is a way of calling myself out
i did truly love and enjoy my stretch of sobriety more so than any of these relapses
trying to find my way back
what does the BIG BOOK say bout 'some would have the same bland for all while others would have a straight pepper diet...' tho that only kinda addresses the issue vaguely, ultimately it's the cycle of driving myself into sensory overload with these two elements and cheating myself outta normal healthy relationship
i do not particularly enjoy the behavior that has evolved and honestly am concerned since i now seek even more unhealthy degrading images and find myself considering injecting cocaine rather than smoke because i am unable to 'achieve' what i once could...
posting here is a way of calling myself out
i did truly love and enjoy my stretch of sobriety more so than any of these relapses
trying to find my way back
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sorry for your situation and your pain, but glad you found SR...Lots of kind, supportive folks here. Try to open yourself up to the help that can come your way...sounds like you could use a big hug, so sending one to ya! 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
okie 24 hours sober now, have left my apartment for a coupla weeks to stay with parents or girlfriend's to have some form of accountability, have talked with my most influential sponsor about all that's been going on
woke to go to work a little relieved and remembering all the self motivating things 'like you gotta work harder on your sobriety than you did your intoxication' and 'you better give a sh*t because most likely no one else will' *from one of my tougher councilor*
gonna try to recreate the circumstances that i experienced in treatment in the outside world for now
everyone have a great day y'all
=^.^=
woke to go to work a little relieved and remembering all the self motivating things 'like you gotta work harder on your sobriety than you did your intoxication' and 'you better give a sh*t because most likely no one else will' *from one of my tougher councilor*
gonna try to recreate the circumstances that i experienced in treatment in the outside world for now
everyone have a great day y'all
=^.^=
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
+48 hours sober now
we've been dealing with the slow terminal death of my Mother for almost 10 weeks or so and most likely she's not got but a few hours
i woke well before my alarm has gone off and went to check on her, barely breathing, my father asleep in a recliner set next to a hospital bed set up in the living room week celebrated Christmases and Thanksgivings for 30 years
i look on Facebook at the posted lives of 'friends' who exist in this vague digital realm and think of the promises to 'get together once you get out of treatment' that never happened
no wonder i drifted back to the 'hood where prostitutes and crackdealers at least went through the motions of friendship and getting high together substituted for normal interaction for lack of genuine concern
my head doesn't hurt today from the self abuse, i see clearly why drugs repeatedly became 'enough'
life can be so unfulfilling that to block out the ache takes a ridiculous amount of horsepower and crack provided that at a cost of near impossibly to stop
i've stopped again
now i see why i went back
clarity
God please let me stay sober
nothing particularly clever to say or share
it's all just dots on a screen
we've been dealing with the slow terminal death of my Mother for almost 10 weeks or so and most likely she's not got but a few hours
i woke well before my alarm has gone off and went to check on her, barely breathing, my father asleep in a recliner set next to a hospital bed set up in the living room week celebrated Christmases and Thanksgivings for 30 years
i look on Facebook at the posted lives of 'friends' who exist in this vague digital realm and think of the promises to 'get together once you get out of treatment' that never happened
no wonder i drifted back to the 'hood where prostitutes and crackdealers at least went through the motions of friendship and getting high together substituted for normal interaction for lack of genuine concern
my head doesn't hurt today from the self abuse, i see clearly why drugs repeatedly became 'enough'
life can be so unfulfilling that to block out the ache takes a ridiculous amount of horsepower and crack provided that at a cost of near impossibly to stop
i've stopped again
now i see why i went back
clarity
God please let me stay sober
nothing particularly clever to say or share
it's all just dots on a screen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
i've returned to simply valuing my sobriety now
earned on a daily basis and not to be taken for granted
truly there's no spoken spell or magic ritual that gives it to you, just ALWAYS making the right decisions and being brave enough to say something to someone/anyone when you feel it slip away
my DOC is a rather costly and complicated process that can be stopped before i actually get high
the things is i'm already relapsing once i contact the dealer or start setting out some money to get started and once *as always* i introduce the chemical into my system i am powerless to stop...
we all know the process more or less, i'm just reminding myself before i head out for the day here
=^.^=
earned on a daily basis and not to be taken for granted
truly there's no spoken spell or magic ritual that gives it to you, just ALWAYS making the right decisions and being brave enough to say something to someone/anyone when you feel it slip away
my DOC is a rather costly and complicated process that can be stopped before i actually get high
the things is i'm already relapsing once i contact the dealer or start setting out some money to get started and once *as always* i introduce the chemical into my system i am powerless to stop...
we all know the process more or less, i'm just reminding myself before i head out for the day here
=^.^=
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