lost my sobriety...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
Birmingham is a sufficient enough size city that should the desire to use override my 'common sense', purchase isn't very hard for someone with 'street smarts'
*jeez the very use of those expressions in the same sentence*
it's really a question am i truly done yet (?)
well reality is my Les Paul guitar still in pawn is due for their sale within my next pay cycle...
smoke again, it's gone
tonight SOUL ASYLUM and MEAT PUPPETS are playing a show in town, because i CHOSE to pick up again this past weekend couldn't possibly afford a ticket and had planned to go
a hard lesson
it's really come time to face the fact that though i make a decent salary as a mechanic, the only person(s) benefiting are folks selling drugs
Lose my mind 20 hours on the weekend and skimp to get by during the week. Exhausting and hollow existence that i am determined to end. No longer some 'compulsion', i post this thread to call my own self out. These windows of sanity have to be endlessly linked and the long nights ended. Food in my refrigerator, my instruments back or replaced, normal relationships with normal people, some musicians to jam with...
that's the goal
oddly, as emotionally struggling i am somehow my mechanical skills at work and my acoustic guitar playing in my own time are at some sort of peak *not high, i do neither then*
i certainly appreciate everyone's interest and post
i feel so much less alone logging in here than when in the dark frame of mind while using and all that goes along with it
=^.^=
*jeez the very use of those expressions in the same sentence*
it's really a question am i truly done yet (?)
well reality is my Les Paul guitar still in pawn is due for their sale within my next pay cycle...
smoke again, it's gone
tonight SOUL ASYLUM and MEAT PUPPETS are playing a show in town, because i CHOSE to pick up again this past weekend couldn't possibly afford a ticket and had planned to go
a hard lesson
it's really come time to face the fact that though i make a decent salary as a mechanic, the only person(s) benefiting are folks selling drugs
Lose my mind 20 hours on the weekend and skimp to get by during the week. Exhausting and hollow existence that i am determined to end. No longer some 'compulsion', i post this thread to call my own self out. These windows of sanity have to be endlessly linked and the long nights ended. Food in my refrigerator, my instruments back or replaced, normal relationships with normal people, some musicians to jam with...
that's the goal
oddly, as emotionally struggling i am somehow my mechanical skills at work and my acoustic guitar playing in my own time are at some sort of peak *not high, i do neither then*
i certainly appreciate everyone's interest and post
i feel so much less alone logging in here than when in the dark frame of mind while using and all that goes along with it
=^.^=
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I play guitar too...accoustic...I have a Martin six string that I dearly love and an old Fender 12 string that's a bugger to tune and keep in tune...it is more of an family heirloom and not as playable as my Martin. Love the 'action' on the Martin.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
nice...
an Ibanez acoustic and D18 copy of unknown origin that's seen 25 years of soul searching, an Aria telecaster not unlike the one Prince played in PURPLE RAIN and an Epiphone Les Paul are what remain...
main influences are David Gilmour, Lynsee Buckingham and Bob Mould
=^.^=
an Ibanez acoustic and D18 copy of unknown origin that's seen 25 years of soul searching, an Aria telecaster not unlike the one Prince played in PURPLE RAIN and an Epiphone Les Paul are what remain...
main influences are David Gilmour, Lynsee Buckingham and Bob Mould
=^.^=
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by NOWisNOW 
nice...
an Ibanez acoustic and D18 copy of unknown origin that's seen 25 years of soul searching, an Aria telecaster not unlike the one Prince played in PURPLE RAIN and an Epiphone Les Paul are what remain...
main influences are David Gilmour, Lynsee Buckingham and Bob Mould
=^.^=
an Ibanez acoustic and D18 copy of unknown origin that's seen 25 years of soul searching, an Aria telecaster not unlike the one Prince played in PURPLE RAIN and an Epiphone Les Paul are what remain...
main influences are David Gilmour, Lynsee Buckingham and Bob Mould
=^.^=
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
...yet another 'crash and burn' weekend, the worst night of 'white knuckling it' of my entire life Friday woke Saturday spent day at parents rewiring their cable, phone, modem etc for hospice room set for mom and had a great visit, strangely just after left midafternoon and started getting high with little or no thot ugh sometime midnightish finally decided had enough, woke Sunday with intentions of breakfast with sponsor instead spent all morning smoking and watching a Jackie Chan movies with Peggy, 70+ year old soul food cook at one of the nicer restaurants(?) thinking 'yeah, guess i'll be doing the same when her age'
ended up back at my place alone playing CURE and PERFECT CIRCLE songs on guitar displaced by the ridiculous amount of drugs and lack of logic...
...my girlfriend contacted me sometime before daybreak monday morning concerned by my disappearance
was cycling thru whatever 'possible' bipolar trip that spins me these days and was tho chemically unaltered, my mood was able to stabilize enough to listen to common sense
she asked and i agreed to come stay with her indefinitely to give some real accountability
surrender my paychecks and let her handle my finances until i show improvement in my handling fundamental life process
cut ties with my former fiancée once and for all
change my cell number
seek and follow thru on some form of one on one counseling, something that didn't happen while in treatment this past spring *she's a nurse practitioner and has contacts in the medical profession here in town*
a coworker who's become an increasingly close friend is currently detoxing maybe 12/15 days off alcohol and klonopin and am comfortable enough to be brutally honest like i am with this site has been calling during evenings to talk, wants to socialize soberly...
i am grateful for the interest in my life by others including you TTO
not to sound dramatic but somehow i don't find myself too interested in it these days
=^.^=
ended up back at my place alone playing CURE and PERFECT CIRCLE songs on guitar displaced by the ridiculous amount of drugs and lack of logic...
...my girlfriend contacted me sometime before daybreak monday morning concerned by my disappearance
was cycling thru whatever 'possible' bipolar trip that spins me these days and was tho chemically unaltered, my mood was able to stabilize enough to listen to common sense
she asked and i agreed to come stay with her indefinitely to give some real accountability
surrender my paychecks and let her handle my finances until i show improvement in my handling fundamental life process
cut ties with my former fiancée once and for all
change my cell number
seek and follow thru on some form of one on one counseling, something that didn't happen while in treatment this past spring *she's a nurse practitioner and has contacts in the medical profession here in town*
a coworker who's become an increasingly close friend is currently detoxing maybe 12/15 days off alcohol and klonopin and am comfortable enough to be brutally honest like i am with this site has been calling during evenings to talk, wants to socialize soberly...
i am grateful for the interest in my life by others including you TTO
not to sound dramatic but somehow i don't find myself too interested in it these days
=^.^=
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Always appreciate your updates and honesty. Your parents are blessed to have you and it sounds as though it is also keeping you fairly busy...not everyone can rewire things...I wouldn't know where to start...but I am not mechanically inclined...more of an artist type...I sure am glad for my husband who knows how to do things, fix things, etc or I would be lost most of the time....this morning, for example, one of the smoke detectors decided to start "chirping" at 4:30 am...uggh...he knew exactly what to do....anyways, hang in there....and never give up! It's always going feel like a struggle in a lot of ways, and it would be sooooo tempting to give up trying....
take care....and
Blessed Be.....
P.S. love soul food!
take care....and
Blessed Be.....
P.S. love soul food!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
okie it's more or less 7 complete days sobriety, staying with Beth full time, had a great week at work, yesterday we finished setting up all furnishings at her apartment a project i'd abandoned Halloween weekend, managed to get by pawnshop to make payment arrangements so i DON'T loose any of my equipment *almost 2 grand worth pawned for 250*, moved more of my personal essentials to her household and also made arrangements for maintaining my own apt and utilities, a tight budget next coupla weeks but no longer on crack things will be fine
two awesome things then happened...
her 18 year old daughter who was terribly disappointed that i'd abandoned her mother for the streets chose to spend last night hanging out with me and her mom, we'd built a fire in the fireplace and the 3 of us spent hours laughing, talking of things important and insignificant, no television or music other that my acoustic here and there as we chatted
absolutely priceless
next, this morning i returned to my home group after a man to man talk with my sponsor regarding pretty much everything that's been happening *sent him a link to here 3 weeks ago soes he was aware somewhat to what was happening*
upon rejoining group (+20 regulars) everyone shared their assorted moments of triumphs i came completely clean over how far down i'd slipped and my confusion as to why or what to do next...
afterwards a coupla guys including a full time counselor gave me their numbers and expressed desire to help
life is getting better y'all =^.^=
two awesome things then happened...
her 18 year old daughter who was terribly disappointed that i'd abandoned her mother for the streets chose to spend last night hanging out with me and her mom, we'd built a fire in the fireplace and the 3 of us spent hours laughing, talking of things important and insignificant, no television or music other that my acoustic here and there as we chatted
absolutely priceless
next, this morning i returned to my home group after a man to man talk with my sponsor regarding pretty much everything that's been happening *sent him a link to here 3 weeks ago soes he was aware somewhat to what was happening*
upon rejoining group (+20 regulars) everyone shared their assorted moments of triumphs i came completely clean over how far down i'd slipped and my confusion as to why or what to do next...
afterwards a coupla guys including a full time counselor gave me their numbers and expressed desire to help
life is getting better y'all =^.^=
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
...ninth day clean and sober
paying bills again today, feels so much better than getting high
surprised Beth with a dozen roses last night
gratitude for her emotional investment
ttyl
=^.^=
paying bills again today, feels so much better than getting high
surprised Beth with a dozen roses last night
gratitude for her emotional investment
ttyl
=^.^=
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
...seems fair to acknowledge that a disintegrating personal life is part of what's also keeping me in check
on the brink of loosing my apartment
owing drug dealer money that to pay would reopen my 'line of credit'
fragile dental issues
and the last time out had an unbelievably close encounter with law enforcement
these are some 'negative' forces, the 1st true taste of the 'bitter end' as i understand it that have driven me to seek help rather than my usual recoup and return to full on use
i am truly exhausted and scared more than anything when i size up my situation...
confused and white knuckling sometimes, others completely comfortable being away from using life
a paradox of unparalleled experience
i truly dunno what to do other than not use TODAY
=^.^=
on the brink of loosing my apartment
owing drug dealer money that to pay would reopen my 'line of credit'
fragile dental issues
and the last time out had an unbelievably close encounter with law enforcement
these are some 'negative' forces, the 1st true taste of the 'bitter end' as i understand it that have driven me to seek help rather than my usual recoup and return to full on use
i am truly exhausted and scared more than anything when i size up my situation...
confused and white knuckling sometimes, others completely comfortable being away from using life
a paradox of unparalleled experience
i truly dunno what to do other than not use TODAY
=^.^=
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by NOWisNOW
...ninth day clean and sober
paying bills again today, feels so much better than getting high
surprised Beth with a dozen roses last night
gratitude for her emotional investment
ttyl
=^.^=
paying bills again today, feels so much better than getting high
surprised Beth with a dozen roses last night
gratitude for her emotional investment
ttyl
=^.^=
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by NOWisNOW
...seems fair to acknowledge that a disintegrating personal life is part of what's also keeping me in check
on the brink of loosing my apartment
owing drug dealer money that to pay would reopen my 'line of credit'
fragile dental issues
and the last time out had an unbelievably close encounter with law enforcement
these are some 'negative' forces, the 1st true taste of the 'bitter end' as i understand it that have driven me to seek help rather than my usual recoup and return to full on use
i am truly exhausted and scared more than anything when i size up my situation...
confused and white knuckling sometimes, others completely comfortable being away from using life
a paradox of unparalleled experience
i truly dunno what to do other than not use TODAY
=^.^=
on the brink of loosing my apartment
owing drug dealer money that to pay would reopen my 'line of credit'
fragile dental issues
and the last time out had an unbelievably close encounter with law enforcement
these are some 'negative' forces, the 1st true taste of the 'bitter end' as i understand it that have driven me to seek help rather than my usual recoup and return to full on use
i am truly exhausted and scared more than anything when i size up my situation...
confused and white knuckling sometimes, others completely comfortable being away from using life
a paradox of unparalleled experience
i truly dunno what to do other than not use TODAY
=^.^=
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Thinking back on what I've done that fed into "things"; almost as if the "things" that became manifest in my life were linked like a chain of happenings. I struggled with insomnia....which may have caused depression...and the depression further contributed to more insomnia....and the more insomnia I had, the more I felt depressed. And on it went for awhile....I was SO depressed I felt like I was crying all the time, although the crying may not have been as bad as I had thought/felt....all the things I used to do that helped me feel better whenever I was stressed out or feeling a down weren't working for me anymore. Add in more stress including financial stress & you've got a recipe for desperately seeking something, anything that would bring relief, if only temporary.
BUT-the substances served in the longer term to feed into more depression and more insomnia. Less ability to make good choices!
Insomnia, depression, chemical substances>>>>insomnia, depression, chemical substances>>>>insomnia, depression, chemical substances>>>>addiction.
Vicious cycle that kept repeating while attempts to quit by my own willpower worked for a few days at a time.
Instead of reaching out for help, I turned to substances, which did give me temporary relief indeed. I felt I had found a "newfound friend". Oh I had learned and been fairly well educated about addiction and thought it would never happen to me!
thx for reading!
BUT-the substances served in the longer term to feed into more depression and more insomnia. Less ability to make good choices!
Insomnia, depression, chemical substances>>>>insomnia, depression, chemical substances>>>>insomnia, depression, chemical substances>>>>addiction.
Vicious cycle that kept repeating while attempts to quit by my own willpower worked for a few days at a time.
Instead of reaching out for help, I turned to substances, which did give me temporary relief indeed. I felt I had found a "newfound friend". Oh I had learned and been fairly well educated about addiction and thought it would never happen to me!
thx for reading!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
blindly scorched the earth saturday
absolute despair daybreak sunday morning
suicidal *more than usual* but couldn't do it because of a completely normal and appropriate friendship between myself and girlfriend's 18 year old daughter who pulls for my possible recovery and reminds despite setbacks life is better
to have ended my life would only hurt her beyond imagination
God does find ways to put you in check despite our apparent insanity
God bless her
thank you Cassie
absolute despair daybreak sunday morning
suicidal *more than usual* but couldn't do it because of a completely normal and appropriate friendship between myself and girlfriend's 18 year old daughter who pulls for my possible recovery and reminds despite setbacks life is better
to have ended my life would only hurt her beyond imagination
God does find ways to put you in check despite our apparent insanity
God bless her
thank you Cassie
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