lost my sobriety...
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by NOWisNOW 
i've returned to simply valuing my sobriety now
earned on a daily basis and not to be taken for granted
truly there's no spoken spell or magic ritual that gives it to you, just ALWAYS making the right decisions and being brave enough to say something to someone/anyone when you feel it slip away
my DOC is a rather costly and complicated process that can be stopped before i actually get high
the things is i'm already relapsing once i contact the dealer or start setting out some money to get started and once *as always* i introduce the chemical into my system i am powerless to stop...
we all know the process more or less, i'm just reminding myself before i head out for the day here
=^.^=
earned on a daily basis and not to be taken for granted
truly there's no spoken spell or magic ritual that gives it to you, just ALWAYS making the right decisions and being brave enough to say something to someone/anyone when you feel it slip away
my DOC is a rather costly and complicated process that can be stopped before i actually get high
the things is i'm already relapsing once i contact the dealer or start setting out some money to get started and once *as always* i introduce the chemical into my system i am powerless to stop...
we all know the process more or less, i'm just reminding myself before i head out for the day here
=^.^=
decided last night to stop logging in on FB as the vague 1/2 truths of their quality of lives is genuinely discouraging
and to stop logging on BACKPAGE where my ex fiancee now post as an escort to support her vicious herion addiction check to see if still alive or in jail
my current girlfriend is increasingly frustrated over my decision to come help my father deal with mom's hospice and rapid decline
work which isn't a option has been tough, as always
life on life's terms
easier said than done
=^.^=
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
Ha
but being done at least
while struggling with a freaking MACK cement mixer realized that it does feel like recovery again instead of the bleak mix of emotions after using
*approaching 100 hours*
but being done at least
while struggling with a freaking MACK cement mixer realized that it does feel like recovery again instead of the bleak mix of emotions after using
*approaching 100 hours*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
5th day here, found myself thinking about all the times i'd been at this crossroads of stay clean/pick back up and the chaos that immediately in sue it i started using again or the life improvements that gradually took place if i didn't
smoking crack is an instantaneous euphoria that the level of intoxication makes it impossible to make a correct decision regarding anything for days...
to continue not smoking is a gradual return to normal life by most people's standards and clear thinking
smoking means no sleep or food, probably no shower or clean clothes for days or really not even staying in one place very long but wandering the streets alone or with strangers dodging the police
not smoking means meals, baths, fresh clean clothes, sleep in clean safe place and time spent at my home reading, watching movies, out socializing with true friends
smoking means pawning my guitar
not smoking means means playing my guitar
no where near gratiduity list territory just listing known outcomes...
thing is i get paid in a few hours and i have to decide what's more important now and then stick to a plan
never particularly easy but listing outcomes 1st thing this morning was kinda intuitive
thx for reading =^.^=
smoking crack is an instantaneous euphoria that the level of intoxication makes it impossible to make a correct decision regarding anything for days...
to continue not smoking is a gradual return to normal life by most people's standards and clear thinking
smoking means no sleep or food, probably no shower or clean clothes for days or really not even staying in one place very long but wandering the streets alone or with strangers dodging the police
not smoking means meals, baths, fresh clean clothes, sleep in clean safe place and time spent at my home reading, watching movies, out socializing with true friends
smoking means pawning my guitar
not smoking means means playing my guitar
no where near gratiduity list territory just listing known outcomes...
thing is i get paid in a few hours and i have to decide what's more important now and then stick to a plan
never particularly easy but listing outcomes 1st thing this morning was kinda intuitive
thx for reading =^.^=
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by NOWisNOW
5th day here, found myself thinking about all the times i'd been at this crossroads of stay clean/pick back up and the chaos that immediately in sue it i started using again or the life improvements that gradually took place if i didn't
smoking crack is an instantaneous euphoria that the level of intoxication makes it impossible to make a correct decision regarding anything for days...
to continue not smoking is a gradual return to normal life by most people's standards and clear thinking
smoking means no sleep or food, probably no shower or clean clothes for days or really not even staying in one place very long but wandering the streets alone or with strangers dodging the police
not smoking means meals, baths, fresh clean clothes, sleep in clean safe place and time spent at my home reading, watching movies, out socializing with true friends
smoking means pawning my guitar
not smoking means means playing my guitar
no where near gratiduity list territory just listing known outcomes...
thing is i get paid in a few hours and i have to decide what's more important now and then stick to a plan
never particularly easy but listing outcomes 1st thing this morning was kinda intuitive
thx for reading =^.^=
smoking crack is an instantaneous euphoria that the level of intoxication makes it impossible to make a correct decision regarding anything for days...
to continue not smoking is a gradual return to normal life by most people's standards and clear thinking
smoking means no sleep or food, probably no shower or clean clothes for days or really not even staying in one place very long but wandering the streets alone or with strangers dodging the police
not smoking means meals, baths, fresh clean clothes, sleep in clean safe place and time spent at my home reading, watching movies, out socializing with true friends
smoking means pawning my guitar
not smoking means means playing my guitar
no where near gratiduity list territory just listing known outcomes...
thing is i get paid in a few hours and i have to decide what's more important now and then stick to a plan
never particularly easy but listing outcomes 1st thing this morning was kinda intuitive
thx for reading =^.^=
What a beautiful picture you have painted CONTRASTING using vs. not using. I can so relate to what you have expressed...My DOC may be different than yours, but addiction is addiction. We have sought a euphoria which makes us feel good for a certain time period and then the euphoria wears off and we are right back where we started seeking that euphoria again and paying higher prices for something that eats away at our mental, emotional, and physical health. But, I believe the COSTLIEST price is how it eats away at our SOUL! And the thing is we are sort of tricked into it in a way and do not realize how it eats away at our soul until we are so desolate and weak we literally feel LOST.
But my faith in God tells me I am not really lost as He knows where I am at all times. He doesn't need to "find" me. It is me who needs to cry out to him and make a turning point in my life with an attitude of "whatever it takes" I want to be clean, healthy, wholesome and most of all WHOLE. There is nothing as sweet as total surrender to a higher power that will lead us on to where we really need to go.
Rock on, friend. We're with ya!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
Wow guys THANK YOU SO MUCH...
due issues with mom and focus on a job that miraculously found me, interested in allowing myself to use is nil right now but to be able to bounce on and off this site helps me KEEP a grip
...as always JUST FOR TODAY
ttyl
due issues with mom and focus on a job that miraculously found me, interested in allowing myself to use is nil right now but to be able to bounce on and off this site helps me KEEP a grip
...as always JUST FOR TODAY
ttyl
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 927
Just reading your post and wanted to check in and say stick with it...
I lost my Dad 3 years ago and I stayed sober with him and held his hand the night he died, something I will never regret. You're doing really well xxx
I lost my Dad 3 years ago and I stayed sober with him and held his hand the night he died, something I will never regret. You're doing really well xxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
relapsed sunday
was brutal and ill timed
i dunno, in treatment resentment was discussed repeatedly as the 'biggest offender', 'trigger' whatever
conflict at work, with family member, girlfriend distressed over me being at my parents trying to help out when she'd gotten used to us spending most free time together
dad suggested i take a break sunday afternoon
didn't think twice, straight to get DOC
they say confess to God and an individual you trust when this happens
God saw me thru the binge and made it possible for me to make my job and responsibilities monday morning
this is my confession to someone i trust
kinda chickensh*t...
i'm posting this now because truth is i want to go get more tonight
and i still dunno why
=^.^=
was brutal and ill timed
i dunno, in treatment resentment was discussed repeatedly as the 'biggest offender', 'trigger' whatever
conflict at work, with family member, girlfriend distressed over me being at my parents trying to help out when she'd gotten used to us spending most free time together
dad suggested i take a break sunday afternoon
didn't think twice, straight to get DOC
they say confess to God and an individual you trust when this happens
God saw me thru the binge and made it possible for me to make my job and responsibilities monday morning
this is my confession to someone i trust
kinda chickensh*t...
i'm posting this now because truth is i want to go get more tonight
and i still dunno why
=^.^=
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
If you want change you need to make changes I think NOW.
sometimes you need to sit with that discomfort and that desire and just surf it out?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
D
sometimes you need to sit with that discomfort and that desire and just surf it out?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
D
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Glad you trust us NOW, and hope you still trust the Lord...just speaking for myself I seem to do better in all areas of my life when I can trust...some folks say that trusting in God is all that is important and maybe that has merit...but we were all created by God and I personally have felt that it is highly helpful to know there are people on this earth that you can trust...I also think that the Lord would like it if people have someone they can trust...well, this is causing me to want to explore the whole concept of trust...as my thoughts are starting to go deeper...what is it about trust that is so important? Have you ever wondered that?
Anyways, maybe I'm going off on a tangent...perhaps a reflection of how my mind tends to meander...
I would gently encourage you to continue to explore things identified in treatment such as resentment, etc. as you mentioned...it's getting late/early here and I'm very tired right now, so I don't even know if this is making any sense...thx for reading and hang in there...there are lots of folks here who REALLY CARE and don't condemn ...
take care...
Blessed Be...
Anyways, maybe I'm going off on a tangent...perhaps a reflection of how my mind tends to meander...
I would gently encourage you to continue to explore things identified in treatment such as resentment, etc. as you mentioned...it's getting late/early here and I'm very tired right now, so I don't even know if this is making any sense...thx for reading and hang in there...there are lots of folks here who REALLY CARE and don't condemn ...
take care...
Blessed Be...
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
just woke up, at least i didn't go get high...
workt almost 13 hours yesterday *ha struggling to make up money squandered*
dreamt of friends from rehab and the streets visiting and interacting with me without drugs...
ultimately realized that i'm desperately lonely and have given up so smoking cocaine is a temporary suicide that i can get so freaking close to death that everything else that hurts me becomes meaningless
i do not value my own life, an anonymous post on a message board is pretty much the last cry for help i can manage since it feels no one has ever really tried step in and show me it's worth living for anyway...
this isn't some ploy for pity
it's facing the truth about me and my life
what now =^.^=
workt almost 13 hours yesterday *ha struggling to make up money squandered*
dreamt of friends from rehab and the streets visiting and interacting with me without drugs...
ultimately realized that i'm desperately lonely and have given up so smoking cocaine is a temporary suicide that i can get so freaking close to death that everything else that hurts me becomes meaningless
i do not value my own life, an anonymous post on a message board is pretty much the last cry for help i can manage since it feels no one has ever really tried step in and show me it's worth living for anyway...
this isn't some ploy for pity
it's facing the truth about me and my life
what now =^.^=
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
teatreeoil
there is no doubt in God holding me up and attempting to keep me alive and free
several otherwise unexplainable things have happened during these last 40something hours
'God's grace is sufficient'
indeed as He continues to substain one who's not even sure why
there is no doubt in God holding me up and attempting to keep me alive and free
several otherwise unexplainable things have happened during these last 40something hours
'God's grace is sufficient'
indeed as He continues to substain one who's not even sure why
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
trust
Okay, I just thought of something about trust that is perhaps a good reason to trust...
When we trust it brings liberty...
Initially it frees our mind of worry...and when we don't worry so much it impacts other emotions and other areas of our life.
Just a thought...
When we trust it brings liberty...
Initially it frees our mind of worry...and when we don't worry so much it impacts other emotions and other areas of our life.
Just a thought...
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