Failure
 

It has been awhile since I've been here. I don't yet remember how to check my profile, etc, but it's been at least a year. I have failed. For whatever reason I feel the need to announce this. I've come off Subutex, with a several week, crash taper from 16-24 mgs/day due to several of the rare side effects: substantial swelling in my feet, ankles and lower legs, an odd blood looking rash that looks like hundreds of capillaries are busted that covers one foot substantially and was starting to appear on the other foot. I'm a chronic pain patient, broken neck, C5, C6, C7 and peripheral neuropathy as the primary issues. The plan is to taper me with Norco HP. The taper portion is more my perspective /plan than it is my doctors. Now there's a dance with the devil. Well, this place helped enormously when I was last here struggling with a high oxycodone/oxycontin use rate, between 120 and 350 mgs/day. I take some, minor, comfort in currently holding at a max of 60 mg of hydro per day. So, hello y'all.

It's a roller coaster. I was really feeling the withdrawals this morning. It just goes to show you, for anyone who's dealing with opiate withdrawals, that it comes in waves, and fades for a time. If you don't get too cocky, or too overwhelmed and/or defeated, you can do this.

This sounds like my sister she got off heroin then methadone then subitex and was occasionally relapsing on crack

She done a 6 month rehab have you considered rehab brother

I'm sorry for what brings you back here Druwyd, but I know you'll find support again :)

D

Hi Soberwolf and Dee! Soberwolf - I've considered, in passing, rehab. I did a 7 day stint at Unity last year here in Minnesota which helped get the oxy monster, if not off my back, at least back in its cave. I've attended a few NA meetings. I didn't understand them to be frank. I walk in, and the guilt and self loathing roars up and I sit around thinking, wow, am I a complete f' up. That's not been a trigger to go out an use, at least. Roughly, 70-80% of my use is physical pain, the remainder is some sort of blend of hiding from emotional pain, finding confidence, pushing anxiety back with the opiate rush etc, it's complex and I don't claim to be certain I understand it. As you might be able to tell, I'm big on self-analysis and trying to figure out what's going on in my head, somewhat obsessively. Anyway, I'm not going to make this an auto-biography, thanks for the hellos! Actually, back to the rehab question....what do you think it can do for a person who's pigheaded/stubborn, angry at god or gods, depending upon what my attitude that hour happens to be on religion etc?

I've never been to rehab, so I have no idea...others may have first hand experience tho.

What I did - and I was as pig headed as they come - is really plug myself in here - reading posting and , especially, asking for help when I needed it.

It may not be the entirety of your recovery programme Druwyd, but it's a good start I think :)

D

K, struggling with my spiffy phone and how it's displaying things. Pig headed, yes, that would be me too. Arrogant, over-educated without necessarily being smart, how else can the self-flagellation fly? K, I'm being a little tongue in cheek, but not totally. Well, last time around I plugged in here quite a bit and that felt good, but I'm back which certainly says something, could be just that I stopped coming or that I need more. Mutter, mutter, mutter. What's kept you coming back See?

I havnt been rehab but both my older sisters have and its changed their life

What keeps me coming back here is how amazing this place is brother I 5000% agree with D send a msg if you ever want to talk

Welcome back Druwyd! Glad to see you!

The earlier post was supposed to ask "what's kept you coming back Dee and Wolf" but my edit time has expired. I will take you up on that Wolf, when I'm feeling a little less like hammered shite. Li :) hi!

Hi - in my own experience - three rehabs - they did not help me = I'm able to stay on the path by my own true acceptance of what is in the past and my present being. Reading Buddhist writing and meditation have also helped. Just being quiet in myself and a couple of AA meetings a week help me to connect with others.

"what's kept you coming back Dee"

I like this community basically :)

My reasons have evolved over the years...I'm not here to stop myself from drinking any more...that battle is done finished and kaput :)

These days I'm here to share my experience and hope it helps someone, y'know? :)

D

Wow. Juggling real pain and addiction - blimey. That is not an easy task. You're not a failure in my book, not even close. One of my best friends has to have her *entire* spine replaced due to having the worst case of arthritis in Australasia. She's already had numerous ops. They hold up her x-rays in lecture theatres for students to learn from. And, she's the kindest, wisest person, despite being in constant excruciating pain. I have enormous respect for anyone dealing with chronic pain. Good for you holding at 60mg per day!

Wow! Hi and thanks all! Elizabeth...Buddhist writings may be of interest. Add to the stew that is my head is my bubbling disappointment/anger with the whole concept of mortality, I wouldn't know where to start with the Buddhist side, I've read some Coptic christian, a lot of neo-pagan and neo-druidic (it seems to be 'neo' in large part to the effective Roman campaign to eradicate dissent on the British Isles and western Gaul, but I digress)

I took some photos of my foot by way of example of what the Subs was physically doing to parts of my body, but I don't know either a) how to upload and/or b) if it is allowed.

Hi TooShabby! Holy (insert illegal word here). Her entire spine? I'm literally at a loss. Having 3 vertebrae crushed is miserable enough, I cannot imagine the pain, discomfort etc of being without the body's primary support structure. "Hey Joe, lets pull the buildings support girders and see what happens?" Well, duh. I can imagine her case would be used as a case study. The image and concept just kind of boggles my mind.

By the way, I got pissed off about everything and just stopped the hydros C/T, my last one being at 5:30 a.m. the morning of August 26th (Stateside time). So, I'm on, what, hour 50 with no opiate of any kind and, I've lost track, I think I'm at day 5, 6 or 7 of no Subs at all from the crash Subs taper I mentioned earlier. Maybe anger can be powerful, but then, blowing toast out your nose is not something that comes without motivation from somewhere, lol.

With that attitude you can move mountains Druwyd!
You got this! Just reach out there and grab on to recovery....there is no going back now! You've come too far!

Thanks CleaninLI! Peaks and valleys, oy, today's been a roller coaster, please, oh please, leave me in this valley for a few hours at least.

Your not alone bud were here

Not being alone is a tremendous help, even when it's electronic with no group hugs, lol

Time for a group hug :-)

:grouphug:

Hehe, Hi TooShabby! Auckland, eh? I imagine I've got the place over-romanticized, but lordy, I've wanted to visit for sure and even looked over some of the immigration barriers. The capital requirements to get through the door are brutal though, it's been awhile but $750,000 U.S. liquid with at least a $1.25 mill U.S. asset base. Sigh. Anyway, thanks for the hug!