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Old 11-28-2014, 01:05 AM   #1 (permalink)

Join Date: Apr 2014
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I really need help 😱

This post is gonna be kind of lame, maybe desperate... but I'm just lost and need some advice. So, ever since I got past 90 days again, I felt like I was unstoppable. Part of me feels like it wasn't a complete delusion either. Earlier this year, when I had strung a week or so together, I would go out, and whatever I was doing, I'd be so "hyper focused" on trying to be happy. I felt like I had something to prove to myself and everyone else- that sober life *was* worth it, and that it was a life I could achieve.

Then, suddenly, I wasn't trying anymore, and all my smiles were real smiles, and all my laughs were no longer contrived. I loved that feeling. I felt that way even up to hitting 100 days, maybe even 110.

But something's happened lately, and in my quiet moments, I feel low again. I've been really abusing these sleeping pills I have...I don't think I'm truly sober anymore, if I'm being honest with myself. It's just these mixtures of alcohol and pills, and I'm wondering if I'll wake up in the morning. If I want to.

Beforehand, I told everyone I could do it on my own, I gave all the NA/AA groups people suggested the proverbial middle finger, as well as the people who told me I had a problem to begin with- family and friends alike who were pretty insistent in the beginning but aren't too supportive now.

Back in July, I thought I had a moment where I looked in the mirror and said I was finally done with all of this. I harped on how "I felt like a changed woman" - and how I had felt all the pain I needed to feel to inspire a change. I'm not sure what broke in me. I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with this either, but now, I'd be lying If I said I was still doing well and keeping afloat. I don't know where to start over, and I suppose this whole time I've just been white knuckling or a dry drunk, or however you say it, because In all honesty, I've just been waiting to relapse.

Help, what do I do?
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Old 11-28-2014, 01:30 AM   #2 (permalink)
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hi welcome xxEllaxx00

If you feel yourself slipping and part of you wants to save yourself (and you posting here seems to suggest part of you does) then thats a good start.

It probably means going back to some of those folks you gave the proverbial middle finger too tho...there's nothing like solid support when you find you're weaving all the over the ice and wondering when it's gonna break.

Posting here more could really help too?

and I agree with you that if you're abusing the sleeping pills that ice is getting *mighty* thin...

reach out and ask for help in as many places as you can think of

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Old 11-28-2014, 02:01 AM   #3 (permalink)
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HI! I found I needed a plan to get and stay sober. and to have some peace in my life. AA was helpful for me. the face to face support was needed. I discovered once we are addicted, the substance doesn't matter so much. Unless we get help for the root cause, the addictive behavior will remain, even switch around from alcohol, to drugs, to food, etc.

so, it's important to have a program. I used Rational Recovery and AVRT (addictive voice recognition technique) and found it very useful. I used AA and the 12 steps helped me heal my life. sobriety is work, but well worth it.

SR is a terrific support but I think we need to put what we learn herr into action.

And we do get sober. We do recover. I have peace in my life today.

Love from Lenina
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Old 11-28-2014, 02:50 AM   #4 (permalink)

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I feel like I'm a bit like you. I got out of rehab and ended up not going to NA, I felt good and didn't feel like I related a lot to the general attitude there (and I still feel pretty good and have the same attitude to NA..) and the constant rehashing of the same old things. I hope no one who likes NA is offended because we all have different path to sobriety and I realize for many this is through NA/AA and that it's an outstanding program for them.

But I think I too got a bit low after awhile. Because there were things the newly-recovered me wasn't ready for the medium term-recovery period (I'm at 17 months off heroin now BTW). Such as;

1. I think the trajectory of recovery/life is VERY steep at first in sobriety, going upwards, but then it evens out more. You pour so much focus into getting sober, you have something to work at with concrete goals and you can physically and mentally FEEL yourself get sharper. You have something to celebrate almost every day. Then after awhile, you have to deal with all the other ******** of life and all the ******** you were keeping locked inside while using and all the ******** that you did to yourself and others that you now feel guilty about. Your trajectory in life evens out... addicts all start out so low and there's nowhere to go but up, but after awhile it's not as exciting any more

2. Boredom kicks in. I've been able to pour myself into school and focus on that, but with recovery it was different. The results were so immediate, until they started to become just a fact of life; that I was sober. So there was less to be excited for and we all know that doing drugs made boring stuff more fun, so many of those things you loved to do (or people you loved to hang out with) aren't so great without the drugs.

3. Loneliness. For me at least, relationships have been harder. You have some weird bond with using friends and being high on opiates made us feel close to each other a lot of times and we could just talk for hours. It's a little different now. And for me, it's harder to relate to "normal" members of the opposite sex now since I was so entrenched with girls who had used.

Any of that ring true to you? I've found ways to deal with it all. I've found some things to do with my time. I've been working on relationships with people who don't use. I've gotten into a couple old hobbies/interests I left behind when using. I've never been quite where you're at with feeling as down as you are, but I think it was important for me to recognize those things about myself and to understand the things that were bothering me; then at least TRY to fix them or find some answers within my negative emotions. When you're feeling badly, just sit down without distractions (maybe even with pen and paper) and try to really let the emotions wash over you and figure out what it is that is bothering you (either with general things in your life, problems or what you want to accomplish, or just basic feelings/emotions) and then try to find solutions to them.

I learned a lot in rehab and a lot in the few months I was doing NA. After awhile I felt I had learned all I could from them and it was time to start applying it to my life. You could try NA again or not, but either way I think it's important for you to figure out what recovery means to how and how you can apply it in your life. Like I said in point #1, life just doesn't instantly get better after you get sober... there's a lot of broken pieces still left that you alone have to pick up and figure out a new way to put them together. Best of luck.
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Old 11-28-2014, 04:32 AM   #5 (permalink)
A Day at a Time
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,436
For me the path is pretty simple not easy but simple.
  1. 100% clean and sober. No drugs no alcohol
  2. Regular AA meetings. I go 4 times a week
  3. Get a sponsor
  4. Work the steps
  5. Repeat
I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself

Came back to life 7.24.2009
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Old 11-29-2014, 09:34 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Retract that proverbial middle finger and turn it into a white flag man, you need to surrender to the fact that you're spiraling outta control on sleeping pills & booze. I reckon you should use NA/AA the same way you did to get off your DOC, then once you're properly clean and thinking right, the path should be something you can see for yourself.
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