Chasingthedream

I am feeling pretty despondent right now. I have a black cloud hanging right over me, or rather a black cloud inside me.

I have about a month clean, but I have this feeling inside me that just feels like I know I'm going to use at some point soon.

I can see it for what it is (my AV), but the very fact it's there is just gnawing away at me, breaking me down bit by bit.

I have learnt so much about myself and why I use drugs over the last year, and I am now able to recognise the situations where my AV is likely to start, but whilst that helps, it doesn't seem to solve the problem.

Sometimes I am able to dismiss the thoughts instantly, and other times they just fester and grow louder until I feel like I'm going mad.

The fact the Christmas is coming with it's share of parties just gives that inevitable feeling more weight. Part of me feels like I need to shut myself away for a year, but life doesn't work like that.

Please, if anyone has any advice, I need it.

Thanks

gracetuesday

Hello Chasingthedream! Do you have any support system in place? Phehaps NA, or somewhere you can share your feelings/thoughts?

I think recovery from addiction is a process; and it doesn't happen all at once. I think you feelings are totally normal.

For me, it helps to meet with people face to face who have been through the same thing.

Wishing you the best!

likehappiness

Chasing,

I understand all too well. The Holidays can be a big trigger for me. I don't think I had ever done a sober holiday until after I went through treatment. Some of my biggest use was over the holidays or this time of year.

I don't have any great words of wisdom to get through this. I know it doesn't help to be alone. That's when my head used to really start screwing with me. It was like I had an angel and devil on each shoulder both beating the &^%% out of me. I would try to be with friends or family if possible and people who know what you are trying to accomplish by staying sober. Loneliness and boredom can kill an addict.

Dee74

Hi Chasing

I think you've done well to come here and 'rat out' the AV.
The fact is there's absolutely no inevitability about you using again at all

I know it's hard at a month to believe in all the benefits of recovery but I promise you you're on the right road...you won't regret this

Til we see the proof for ourselves, we have to run on faith - but there's lot of support here and in various face to face groups

Don't be afraid to make a few changes too - it's perfectly ok to miss parties right now if you feel vulnerable.

You'll get out of your recovery what you put into it - so give it all you have

You can do this!
D

gnarlyboots

Chasing

All I can say is I was in a similar situation to you, but I gave into my AV, and oh man, it was a huge mistake. Hang in there, get outside and do some exercise, sing, paint, meditate, whatever, just don't go back to using, it'll make all your probs worse when you clean up again... IF you can clean up again.

Good luck, sending clarity your way.