I walked away
 

I had to look back and count the days as I don't really keep track this time around. I am on my - I don't remember how many times - so will say last time around but I have been here before. I counted somewhat inaccurately that I am just over 30 days given that I had a couple days before I was ready to post. The withdrawals are gone. No shakes or restlessness. Sleep is normal for me and satisfying. I find I am happy without drugs which is really great as one wonders in the beginning if it is possible to be happy ever again without some assistance. My marriage is being restored - AGAIN - thanks to the seemingly limitless patience of my wife.

In spite of all this the attraction for getting high is not gone. I well remember that delicious feeling of the first high of the day.

Today was a true test of that as I went to a person's home to talk to them and found them sleeping so had to wait in the living room while they got ready. And there sat a full bottle of the devil oxy. I could have taken as much as I wanted and not been discovered. I could have been wonderfully deliciously high by the time the person was ready. I could feel it.

I let the thoughts run through my mind. I explored the risks and rewards. I lived through it from taking the drugs to coming home to my wife and lying, to the feeling of doing it again and knowing that all was lost again as even one stupid f-----g pill is all it takes to start me all over again.

And turned my back and walked away.

Now, I don't put huge significance to this as I wrote an extremely similar post a couple years ago and yet here I am again. My profession puts me in such circumstances frequently and I have turned away before. It is the time that I don't or didn't turn away that sends me to hell.

One pill. One time. It's all it takes for me and I am gone sometimes for years.

This will be my lifelong burden.

Every time we face temptation and walk away is a good thing liv1ce :)

Like I said on another thread, I'm far away from getting high now to see it in perspective...For all the associated costs and baggage, it's just not worth it man.

I never thought I could ever genuinely prefer eing straight, but I do.

Build a clean sober life you love and you'll fight to the death to keep it :)

D

I agree with you Dee and thanks for the reply. I have posted before of the advice I received in one on one counseling to find something that I am as passionate about as getting high. I have found that life. My wife and family are great anchors and I find expression in artful woodcarving and fine furniture building.

When I choose to get high I lose my connection with my family and my interest - and ability - in working wood. It is what brings me back.

My profession puts the devil in front of me and I cannot afford to leave it to escape the environment although I know it would help. I am close to retirement and must finish this out changing jobs is not an option.

I love my wife dearly and must stay close to her and her strength - and mine - to develop sufficient strength.

I have had the clean sober life - and daresay I have it now - but need to fight to keep it as you say.

I must add that I am aware of the pink cloud.

Great to see you on here!!! Do you remember me? We have been through this journey many times. Proud of you.

Liv1
I had a similar situation a friend visited me threw out four little pink oxys in front of me the split second decision to say no was my test good job being clean

My security from drinking was found in
surrounding myself with support sitting
in umpteen AA meetings one hour each time.

That one hour I sat in a chair not saying
a word but opened my ears listening to
members share their own ESH - experiences,
strengths and hopes of what their lives
were like before, during and after drinking
or using.

I searched out many different locations
and times so I could escape to them alone
by myself away from family, temptations
from alcohol located in store and with every
turn I made thru the isles.

I didn't want to drink and being an at
home mom and wife, I didn't have that
communication and understanding of
recovery there as I did in all those meetings
I went to.

I needed and wanted whatever I could
absorb about recovery as I could get and
I found my safe haven and schooling in
meeting and the fellowship within recovery.

I could sit for one hour at a time, escape,
breath, relax for a hour knowing that there
was no alcohol in all those meetings, just
good leaded coffee and abundance of
knowledge of recovery free for the taking
each time I went.

I read so many stories about not liking
meetings or it's not for them, but for me,
where else could I find safety and help
from not putting poison to my lips then
right there.....and it didn't cost me hundreds
of dollars like it would be if I went to a
doctor. Just one dollar for the basket to
be one of many who support them having
those important meetings each time I
went that saved my life.

There are many healthy solutions in recovery
program available to all. All one needs to do
is commit to them and not pick up a drink
each day.

LISTEN LEARN ABSORB APPLY

and the promises will come true for
us to enjoy as we live healthy, happy,
honest lives in recovery for yrs. to come. :)

And this is a "friend".

Good for you. I have said no to alcohol or other drugs before when they were both freely available or offered to me.

Glad you're back and love your posts! Thank you!