I want to use
 

I want to use.

There, I've said it. That is how I feel, and I have many reasons for it. Check that, I have one reason and list of excuses as long as my arm.

My knee gave out today causing me to fall. My kneecap is off the track (yes, that is as gross as it sounds, but happens from time to time), and my knee is swollen like a basketball. I am in pain. That is fact.

The rest of the "reasons" are nothing more than excuses and to list them at this point would just be silly. They are as transparent as a glass house, and there is not a soul here that would not see right through them. That is also fact. Times like this I try to think back on my reasons to make the decision to quit. I pulled this from some of the writing I had been doing recently. These are my top three:

1. The amount of money I have spent on drugs is inexcusable, plain and simple. I would go so far as to say disgusting.
2. As I got deeper in my addiction, obtaining the drugs was getting shadier and putting me in shadier predicaments. Fear of being caught. I've never end gotten a speeding ticket, the thought of jail and/or legal issues was/is terrifying.
3. I was tired of the cycle of getting, using, running out early, and being in a constant state of withdrawal and feeling like crud.

I feel that these reasons are not as solid as they should be. I cannot compare myself to others, I get that. We all walk our own paths, have our own journeys. But I feel there must be more under this, and that is what I am working on searching for.

Without a doubt having chronic pain is a tough one for me, and I'm sure all those (and I know there are a lot of you out there as well) with the same affliction can relate. It adds sticky jam to this already messy peanut butter sandwich.

I want to use. And I like getting what I want - hey who doesn't. Just wanted to get this out of my head and put it down in writing. It's just a blurb, a beginning to give me something to be able to actually read instead of just having it float around in my head.

I hear PAWS mentioned a lot, but will admit I don't know a lot about it. Think it's something I should do some research on. This is just part one. More to come :)

Awe eyes just want to tell you sorry about your knee! Does it help to put some ice or a heating pad on it?

Eyes this is one link that was floating around here awhile back. You might get a little info about PAWS from it.
http://www.poppswebsite.com/post-acute-withdrawal-paw/

aww eyes! I'm so sorry about your knee! I know that is very painful, i have the same problem! But and i'm sorry to crash the party you don't need those pills for that!

Don't you see it's your AV talking? It's the AV that wants the pills, it's the AV that makes up those excuses! I'm pretty sure Eyes doesn't want to use, she doesn't want to throw away the two months! You've come such a long way, don't throw it away! Stay in just for today! and tomorrow is a new day!

And to cheer you up (since that's my speciality) do you remember our very first deal? PLEASE don't make me do it ;-) Hang in there ok? :hug:

Glad you posted Eyes & sorry you are hurting - will be thinking of you

I get the attraction of temporary relief, I'd hazard a guess that everyone on this forum, addict or non addict (family members seeking support is what I mean by non addict) would want relief from bad pain.

But that's all its going to be. When the effect wears off, your still going to be in pain, but you've now re-opened the door for your addiction.

Two monkeys on your back now. One of them will eventually go away, one of them has the potential to grow into a 900lb Gorilla.

Make a sane choice :)

I'm sorry you are hurting eyes. Stay strong. Rooting for you.

Pain fear and frustration are big triggers - but you can do this eyes. Think of the satisfaction of getting through this...and kicking your AV in the butt :)

D

Hey Eyes,

I have a great link for researching and dealing with PAWS, it was very helpful for me. Just pm me and I'll send it to you.

I'm sorry eyes :( nobody understands someone else's pain and I would imagine it's hard walking around and trying to live a "normal" life constantly in pain. You know, deep down that opening up the gates again would just be tragic. It could be your last time...you have too much life to live and love to give! Your AV has been doing jumping jacks this entire time, it wants to be strong so it can overpower you !! You just have to do more jumping jacks, you just have to be stronger! I know you are.

Have you discussed your pain issues with your dr and talked about alternatives ??

Thinking of you Eyes...

Hey Eyes how is it going? How's your knee? I hope the pain and swelling is better today!

I'm thinking about you!:ring

I hope you got through it and your knee is feeling better. If you make the choice to use, when you come back to your senses you would still be left with a swollen knee and pain. You have to find an alternate way to deal with what pains you.

XXX

Awe Eyes I think you posted this right after I left last night. Im sorry about your knee. Did you see a doc about it? Any better today? ((hugs))

How's it going Eyes?

D

Hi eyes. I am where you are at. Couple triggers today. Boy did I want to pick up. But I made it at least for today. I hope you did too.

Thank you all for your kindness, support, and words of wisdom.

I should have prefaced this with saying these were some of the thoughts I had been having, prior to injuring my knee yet again. Part of the struggle for me is the missing motivation of hurting others (as odd as that sounds). How do I explain - when you're only hurting yourself it's almost easier to "justify". I will write more about that later when feeling better, some of the scribbling I did when my computer was broken. So more to come on those things....

As far as my knee goes.....yes, I iced it, elevated it, and took ibuprofen and it's getting better. Wasn't the first time that has happened, and I'm sure will not be the last. I started using a cane a few months ago as I could feel the instability and thought that would help in the event one did give out. Well, about three weeks ago I stopped using the cane even though I had found it was really helping. A couple of reasons....the first being that it was always in the way! I admit, I cart around way to much stuff, need to learn to minimize my life I guess. I just found myself always juggling - trying to carry my bag, a coffee, breakfast, whatever. I was always one arm short lol. And I think I have found my million dollar idea - an invention on some way to attach an umbrella to a cane! Because cane + normal stuff (such as a purse) + umbrella on a rainy day = complete chaos! The other reason was more an emotional one. It was depressing. Plain and simple. With everything else going on with my health, feeling old, and now looking even older hobbling around with cane - though I suppose it matched the dentures I recently had to have. I let it all get to me....obviously I made the wrong choice.

Now on to the chuckle....because I'd rather laugh than cry. Yesterday I was working from home due to the fact that I had a doctor's appointment. Completely unrelated to the knee or anything, it was simply a three month follow up with a specialist over the meds they are trying me with for the early peri-menopausal stuff I'm dealing with. So as I'm getting ready to go I was feeling a bit nauseas - figured due to the knee pain, and perhaps the ibuprofen I had taken on an empty stomach that morning (bad, I know). So I hobble out to my car and get a big whiff of the neighbor's lawn. They had landscapers there a couple of days ago and I have no idea what kind of fertilizer they used but it smells like pig ****. The other day I heard some kids across the street saying it smelled like a zoo....all the neighbors have commented - it has been retched. So add that in to the mix. I get to the specialist which is in a building, not sure how to describe it but has various offices upstairs and the main floor is restaurants, coffee shops, variety stores, things like that. The parking garage is on the opposite side from the doctor, so you have to walk the entire way past the bank of elevators, food court, etc to get there.

Now anyone that knows me knows that I always have interesting things happen to me at doctor's appointments. Mostly funny, some strange, some sad - but always interesting. As I mentioned, back in June I had to have all my top teeth removed due to the damage from chemo and got a set up immediate dentures. I hate them. With every fiber of my being I hate them. It takes six months for the gums to fully heal, then I can get a permanent set done which I am really hoping will be less painful, less uncomfortable, and better fitting. One main problem I have is they make me gag - badly. I have a bad gag reflex anyway, and once I start to retch it takes a while for my body to stop. Therefore I cannot glue them in, as I need to be able to remove them....however as my gums have healed some they are very loose. Good thing I don't smile a lot, they drop right down when I do. I am also a champion vomiter. Always have been - but lately it's gotten much worse where I find it very hard to control.

ANYWAY...so the doctor comes in the room, this is only the second time I've even met her. We discuss how I have been doing, and how the medication has helped (or not). They had put me on birth control pills to try to manage my symptoms, but both the doctor and myself are not thrilled about it because of the risks involved, in which I have them all. So we decide to try progesterone alone....as she is explaining things to me I smile and my teeth dislodge. I try getting them back in to place, but it's too late. The combination of already being nauseas and the gagging that begins...I knew what was coming. So did she. I try to choke it back as I fly off the table trying to make it to the sink. Epic fail. I projectile vomit across the room, around the sink, and down my shirt. I was horrified. Fortunately I guess they are used to dealing with women with morning sickness, so just another day in the life for them I guess. She gives me a gown that I can at least put over my shirt to make it back to the car.

Gathering myself as best I could, I start the long walk across the building to get to the garage - the reason I gave such a long description earlier :) I hobble with my cane and bad knee, so it was a slow process and could not help but to notice the stares, since I basically looked like an escaped mental patient. I also had to stop for gas on the way home as I was running late to the appointment so I didn't have time before and I was basically running on fumes. More interesting looks from people as I was pumping my gas. Hate these teeth, hate hate hate them.

Well, as it turns out I have a stomach virus. I thought the manure and teeth were just a catalyst for the horror show I put on at the doctor's office but turns out I'm actually sick. Tried to work from home today, but gave up on that. Am so tired, and can't keep anything down. My mother said that a lot of viruses seem to pop up once school starts up again. If I didn't already have enough reasons to be annoyed by the increased traffic and school buses - I can now add this.

But wanted to thank you all - and as I said will elaborate more on the other stuff when feeling a bit better. Pain and addiction really is a slippery slope. But did want you all to know that as much as I wanted to I did NOT use anything, and I have been MIA as I feel horrible. I actually can't remember the last time I felt this yucky - I think I would actually prefer just pain to this.

Eyes - roflmao, that was one interesting doctor visit! "So did she" - hahaha. It is good to hear that you were able to make it through the knee pain without the opis. That is great news.

By the way, I don't know the first thing about landscaping, but why would someone fertilize a lawn in September? Am I missing something on that?

Oh...I have some stories that are so much better than that - and sooo funny, just not sure if they'd be appropriate for posting :)

I have no idea either - but I also don't know the first thing about landscaping. They did just buy the house recently...it's a young couple, the husband is a cop and it is nice to say that no longer worries me lol. Today I can see some green stuff sprayed on top of the lawn. I hadn't thought about it until you mentioned it, but yeah - it is weird. I'll have to ask my mother, she is all things green thumb.

Oh eyes so sorry that you are sick.....oh my.....I hope you don't mind if I laugh a little? Who would have thought falling down and vomiting could be so funny? No offense though! You are saying that you have better Dr. Stories than that? :herewego

I really hope you feel better soon!:)

Could it be some type of pesticide put on the lawn?

Get better soon Eyes :hug:

D