Toxic relationships! HELPPP!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Toxic relationships! HELPPP!
I really need some advice on a specific relationship. I have been in this relationship with my significant other (who is not an addict or alcoholic) for two years now and now that I'm sober I've reached a point where I want to grow individually, emotionally and spiritually on a level I've never experienced before. The feelings of selfishness and guilt has taken over...as if I owe this person something because I just so happened to drag them through my using and they just so happen to be very co defendant.
How should I handle this???
How should I handle this???
Mamahawk
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,034
Wow. I understand your need to grow. I am having the same feelings of wanting to grow and leave anything negative in the past. If you need to move on that's what you have to do. It's not selfish to do what's best for you. If you stay in an unhappy situation you are more likely to relapse. I understand you feel guilty but that doesn't mean you have to stay in the relationship. When we get clean, our heads clear and our souls start to crave growth! I want to be the best I can be and that means leaving anything that doesn't allow me to grow as a person. I'm sorry it's turned out this way but you know what you have to do in order to be happy. It's hard to make those decisions but it's never wrong to do what is right. It's not good for them to be with someone that doesn't truly love them. They deserve more to. Good luck!
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How did they treat you while you were going through it? If they were truly supportive of you when you were going through that time then it would be something that would personally put an extraordinarily high value on. Are you married to your significant other?
If they were unsupportive and trashed you all the time over it then it is a more complicated question. If they honestly loved you and were frustrated with your actions and trying to help then that is one thing. If it was more of a sadistic nature where your significant other used it as an excuse to take out all of their problems on you then I wouldn't lose sleep over it.
Just my 2 cents.
If they were unsupportive and trashed you all the time over it then it is a more complicated question. If they honestly loved you and were frustrated with your actions and trying to help then that is one thing. If it was more of a sadistic nature where your significant other used it as an excuse to take out all of their problems on you then I wouldn't lose sleep over it.
Just my 2 cents.
Mamahawk
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,034
Opio has a good point about how they treated you. But in the end if you don't love them it's not fair to them to stay. If you do love them why don't you see if they can grow with you. If they were supportive they may be willing to grow in these levels with you.
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Thank you both!
But no I am not married to them, and he did treat me very well throughout everything. Although he had been a huge enabler (as most co dependents are) he meant well.
The reason I am so on the fence about this is even though he is willing to grow with me I see myself just doing the same thing over again expecting a different result all because I'm afraid to be "alone".
Being the addict I was I constantly depended on a man to do for me what I couldn't for myself and see in me what I couldn't.
That being said that's why I feel as if being on my own and growing as a young 21 year old is the healthy decision?? Yet I could once again possibly destroy a good relationship.
But no I am not married to them, and he did treat me very well throughout everything. Although he had been a huge enabler (as most co dependents are) he meant well.
The reason I am so on the fence about this is even though he is willing to grow with me I see myself just doing the same thing over again expecting a different result all because I'm afraid to be "alone".
Being the addict I was I constantly depended on a man to do for me what I couldn't for myself and see in me what I couldn't.
That being said that's why I feel as if being on my own and growing as a young 21 year old is the healthy decision?? Yet I could once again possibly destroy a good relationship.
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I don't even know how to love myself fully so I don't even know if I could answer that. I love the idea of loving him I suppose. But you're right I do need to do what's best, it's just hard realizing it and even harder following through.
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Very true! I need to take ahold of my own life rather than people pleasing. Overall I suppose dedicating my life to someone else's dreams yet wanting to live my own ultimately just doesn't work.
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Tayraex, this might be the best thing for him too. Co-dependent personalities NEED to get away to grow and heal, just like you do! He needs to learn to care for himself first, and not be an enabler ALL his life. It will HURT like hell for both of you, but at 21 I would say please do not get STUCK in your ruts at this point in your lives!
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Remember that we are all in control of our own choices. He chose to stay with you during your addictions. That was his choice. You did not force him to stay. You have to do what is best for you as compassionately as possible.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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I guess I'm kind of in your boyfriends position. My bfn is a heroin addict currently in detox. I knew about his addiction and tried so hard the whole time to have a normal relationship. It was hard for me to understand why he couldn't. Plus he wanted to have a relationship with me when he was clean. But I 'pushed' him into it telling him I understood his addiction. I too enabled him. Now that he is in detox one of my biggest fears is he will decide he does not want to be with me. Which will be something I will have to handle. Bc his recovery is number one no matter what.it will be hard like any break up but I'd rather he be clean and happy then with me. Hope that makes sense. I think u should really talk with ur bf. And maybe a therapist. And in a meeting. Maybe it's best for u two to just be friends now. And rebuild a relationship.
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I must say that I must be the fly in the ointment on this one, but it is probably due to my ignorance on the topic. From your short description about the relationship I don't understand how it is toxic, per se. If you provided more details I might be able to understand.
To me, it sounds like the guy stood by your side and supported you in your time of need. How exactly did he enable you? Was that just because he didn't leave? The description provided makes it sounds like the fact that he stood by you is being used against him. It almost sounds like you plan to leave because you somehow want to protect him from his 'codependency' or something.
You are 21 and have your whole life ahead of you. If you don't love the man and want to leave then I guess I would say "all is fair in love and war". However, I would make sure that you are being honest with yourself about it. If he isn't doing it for you and you think he is holding you back somehow then call it what it is. If you have your eye on someone else or want to play the field then call it what it is.
Maybe it is because of my ignorance, but if I had been with a girl and she said that she was leaving so she could understand how to love herself my eyes would glaze over. I don't understand what that statement means anyway. What does he have to do with you being able to learn to love yourself or not? In past breakups I have heard lines similar to that, and my conclusion has always been the same. I wasn't doing it for her and she wanted out, period. The whole "I'm not right for you" or "It's you not me" or "I need time to pursue XYZ and just can't be in a relationship right now" lines that I heard were just things people said to me to try to be nice. I always wished that the girl had at least been honest and told me something that I could believe. Maybe there was some brilliant conclusion that I missed because I cut the conversation short with a wave of my hand saying to get out, delete my number, and no we aren't going to be friends.
Have you talked to the guy about the problems that you have with the relationship? Did you give him the opportunity to remedy them the same way he gave you the opportunity to get through the dark days of your addiction?
I will say that people who genuinely will stand by your side no matter what don't grow on trees. There are lot's of people that remain in doomed relationships pretty much indefinitely, but that is different that someone who stands by your side and is supportive.
Also, how long have you been sober? The early days are like an emotional rollercoaster and, for me at least, I made some really stupid, impulsive decisions in early recovery that I deeply regretted later on. You could say that my judgment was 'impaired'.
I am probably the last person on the planet that should be making any comment on relationship advice so take it with a grain of salt I guess.
To me, it sounds like the guy stood by your side and supported you in your time of need. How exactly did he enable you? Was that just because he didn't leave? The description provided makes it sounds like the fact that he stood by you is being used against him. It almost sounds like you plan to leave because you somehow want to protect him from his 'codependency' or something.
You are 21 and have your whole life ahead of you. If you don't love the man and want to leave then I guess I would say "all is fair in love and war". However, I would make sure that you are being honest with yourself about it. If he isn't doing it for you and you think he is holding you back somehow then call it what it is. If you have your eye on someone else or want to play the field then call it what it is.
Maybe it is because of my ignorance, but if I had been with a girl and she said that she was leaving so she could understand how to love herself my eyes would glaze over. I don't understand what that statement means anyway. What does he have to do with you being able to learn to love yourself or not? In past breakups I have heard lines similar to that, and my conclusion has always been the same. I wasn't doing it for her and she wanted out, period. The whole "I'm not right for you" or "It's you not me" or "I need time to pursue XYZ and just can't be in a relationship right now" lines that I heard were just things people said to me to try to be nice. I always wished that the girl had at least been honest and told me something that I could believe. Maybe there was some brilliant conclusion that I missed because I cut the conversation short with a wave of my hand saying to get out, delete my number, and no we aren't going to be friends.
Have you talked to the guy about the problems that you have with the relationship? Did you give him the opportunity to remedy them the same way he gave you the opportunity to get through the dark days of your addiction?
I will say that people who genuinely will stand by your side no matter what don't grow on trees. There are lot's of people that remain in doomed relationships pretty much indefinitely, but that is different that someone who stands by your side and is supportive.
Also, how long have you been sober? The early days are like an emotional rollercoaster and, for me at least, I made some really stupid, impulsive decisions in early recovery that I deeply regretted later on. You could say that my judgment was 'impaired'.
I am probably the last person on the planet that should be making any comment on relationship advice so take it with a grain of salt I guess.
Mamahawk
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,034
It's ok to be a fly in the ointment Opio. That is what a forum is for right? People seeking the different opinions of others. I would like to say my husband stood by me. He also enabled me. But I love him. And we want to grow together. We have been together for a long time and I would never dream of leaving him. He is my everything and I feel grateful and lucky he stood by me. I put him through hell and I did not treat him right and I'm trying to make that right.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Opio, I agree with you that loyalty is something I prize in my relationship. I am 43 and I have been with my husband since I was 18. In that amount of time, we have certainly ridden the roller coaster of life together. I would be devastated if he decided to leave our relationship, but I don't want someone to be with me just out of loyalty or guilt. That short-changes me, too. A lot of times codependent people lose interest in their addicted one, when they no longer have someone to "fix" or "feel superior to" as typically the addict/codependent relationship is an unhealthy one all of the way around.
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Originally Posted by OpioPhobe 
I must say that I must be the fly in the ointment on this one, but it is probably due to my ignorance on the topic. From your short description about the relationship I don't understand how it is toxic, per se. If you provided more details I might be able to understand.
To me, it sounds like the guy stood by your side and supported you in your time of need. How exactly did he enable you? Was that just because he didn't leave? The description provided makes it sounds like the fact that he stood by you is being used against him. It almost sounds like you plan to leave because you somehow want to protect him from his 'codependency' or something.
You are 21 and have your whole life ahead of you. If you don't love the man and want to leave then I guess I would say "all is fair in love and war". However, I would make sure that you are being honest with yourself about it. If he isn't doing it for you and you think he is holding you back somehow then call it what it is. If you have your eye on someone else or want to play the field then call it what it is.
Maybe it is because of my ignorance, but if I had been with a girl and she said that she was leaving so she could understand how to love herself my eyes would glaze over. I don't understand what that statement means anyway. What does he have to do with you being able to learn to love yourself or not? In past breakups I have heard lines similar to that, and my conclusion has always been the same. I wasn't doing it for her and she wanted out, period. The whole "I'm not right for you" or "It's you not me" or "I need time to pursue XYZ and just can't be in a relationship right now" lines that I heard were just things people said to me to try to be nice. I always wished that the girl had at least been honest and told me something that I could believe. Maybe there was some brilliant conclusion that I missed because I cut the conversation short with a wave of my hand saying to get out, delete my number, and no we aren't going to be friends.
Have you talked to the guy about the problems that you have with the relationship? Did you give him the opportunity to remedy them the same way he gave you the opportunity to get through the dark days of your addiction?
I will say that people who genuinely will stand by your side no matter what don't grow on trees. There are lot's of people that remain in doomed relationships pretty much indefinitely, but that is different that someone who stands by your side and is supportive.
Also, how long have you been sober? The early days are like an emotional rollercoaster and, for me at least, I made some really stupid, impulsive decisions in early recovery that I deeply regretted later on. You could say that my judgment was 'impaired'.
I am probably the last person on the planet that should be making any comment on relationship advice so take it with a grain of salt I guess.
To me, it sounds like the guy stood by your side and supported you in your time of need. How exactly did he enable you? Was that just because he didn't leave? The description provided makes it sounds like the fact that he stood by you is being used against him. It almost sounds like you plan to leave because you somehow want to protect him from his 'codependency' or something.
You are 21 and have your whole life ahead of you. If you don't love the man and want to leave then I guess I would say "all is fair in love and war". However, I would make sure that you are being honest with yourself about it. If he isn't doing it for you and you think he is holding you back somehow then call it what it is. If you have your eye on someone else or want to play the field then call it what it is.
Maybe it is because of my ignorance, but if I had been with a girl and she said that she was leaving so she could understand how to love herself my eyes would glaze over. I don't understand what that statement means anyway. What does he have to do with you being able to learn to love yourself or not? In past breakups I have heard lines similar to that, and my conclusion has always been the same. I wasn't doing it for her and she wanted out, period. The whole "I'm not right for you" or "It's you not me" or "I need time to pursue XYZ and just can't be in a relationship right now" lines that I heard were just things people said to me to try to be nice. I always wished that the girl had at least been honest and told me something that I could believe. Maybe there was some brilliant conclusion that I missed because I cut the conversation short with a wave of my hand saying to get out, delete my number, and no we aren't going to be friends.
Have you talked to the guy about the problems that you have with the relationship? Did you give him the opportunity to remedy them the same way he gave you the opportunity to get through the dark days of your addiction?
I will say that people who genuinely will stand by your side no matter what don't grow on trees. There are lot's of people that remain in doomed relationships pretty much indefinitely, but that is different that someone who stands by your side and is supportive.
Also, how long have you been sober? The early days are like an emotional rollercoaster and, for me at least, I made some really stupid, impulsive decisions in early recovery that I deeply regretted later on. You could say that my judgment was 'impaired'.
I am probably the last person on the planet that should be making any comment on relationship advice so take it with a grain of salt I guess.
Your reality of the situation really opened me up to reflection on the whole thing so thank you!!
Sometimes I feel like I am making excuses because I simply want out...sometimes I have the thought of just wanting to protect him from me. Because I know no matter what he'll still be there to make me feel better about myself. I've constantly gone in and out of the rooms and 90% of the time I've manipulated him into purchasing my drugs fore when I was simply feeling weak. Knowing I can do that at any time scares me. And the fact I know I can rely on him for pretty much anything especially financially scares me too. I feel as if it stops me from wanting to learn how to be independent.
But I am in early recovery once again and I am def on that emotional roller coaster so maybe right now making any big decision like that isn't necessary but on the other hand if it'll save my life I should do it. Ugh idk.
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