cleaninLI

I think opio made a lot of sense. I think if you are in very early recovery you need to refrain from making hasty decisions. I will honestly say that first year I was all over the place emotionally. I still am at 1 1/2 years into this. I think they were right to say don't get into any new relationship during the first year. But I think it should be taken further by advising us not to make any kind of life altering changes during the first year....or until we understand ourselves a little more. At this stage we are learning about ourselves....building a new relationship with ourselves and figuring out what we want to be in this life. Which like you said you are growing personally. I would hate for you to be trapped in a relationship you are not happy with....but at the same time, I would hate for you to toss away something that might be a very good thing. I'm not sure if we can blame our significant others or diagnose them as codependent just because they stayed with us thru-out our addiction and maybe enabled us in certain ways to get pills. Because I know that I was very manipulative and very cunning. I knew exactly how to get my husband to do certain things for me or to look the other way zillions of times. But that does not make him a bad person or codependent. I think he wanted to make me happy or to keep things as normal as possible in the family. Now since being clean, I see his loyalty as a gift....a blessing. I also see our relationship changing for the better. Now that I am healthy our relationship is much healthier too.

But I am much older than you, married and have children and a life with my SO. So that makes a huge difference.

I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe it would be helpful to put this question on the back burner for awhile. Make changes in other ways....like building a life for yourself. For instance, if you've put off your education, then go back to school. If there is a certain field you are interested in....start researching...find out what qualifications you need. Make personal changes to get yourself independent.....education/job. These are the things you can concentrate on that are positive and independent of your relationship. Do you see what I'm saying? Then later on down the road....as you build your own independent lifestyle the question of whether or not you should remain in your relationship becomes an easier question to answer. You will have had time to see how the two of you interact now that you are clean and sober. You can see how he reacts or feels about your becoming an independent woman. Does he support your personal growth or not...or did he like you better sick and dependent on him? I really believe the answer will become very obvious.
See my husband is supportive of my personal growth. He is so happy and elated to see me healthy. That is how I know he is not codependent.....just had strong feelings for me and wanted to help me...but did not understand how....did not understand he was hurting instead of helping. We cannot expect a normie to understand addiction unless they have studied addiction.

helppleaselost

Have you considered telling him the ways he enabled you?

I handed my father a letter that said If you love me you will not give me a place to stay if I relappse. You will not lend me $20 even. Take me to the store and destroy the receit if I really need something and you would like to help.

A friend of mine had his business partner hold onto his money and help pay his bills in early recovery.

If you love each other and the fear of enabling and relapse is making you want to run... perhaps you can explain to him which particular actions will KILL you ppotentially and destroy the health of your relationshi. Ive found being honest is what is helping me get through the early stage ss of detox Others have more experience... but as a past ena ler I know that if i had written d instructions I may have been stronger and more helpful to my EX ABF. pls forgive my broken keyboard! I cant delete ytypos