xxEllaxx00

so, recently, there's a guy in my life who seems to be just perfect in every way. he really likes me, and, when i opened my mind and heart, i really fell for him.

But unfortunately, I've had so much on my mind around him and our relationship, I sort of avoided him for around 2 weeks or more lately.

about a month or so ago, when i relapsed following a party i went to...the next day i felt horrible both physically and emotionally. absentmindedly, i texted him about how nauseous and weary i had been feeling that day. he asked me if it was because i had been drinking...and all of a sudden i got super defensive and wondered why he'd ask me that...he later explained that since i was at a party the night before and complained of feeling so sick and out of it the next morning, he just assumed that there could've been alcohol involved.

i lied and said "i don't drink," and how (comically and ironically) i was "so straight edge now." but of course he had to catch on to that nuance aswell and ask "so you used to ? be a party girl or something?"

aside:
its funny people always link (most) drugs and alcohol with clubs, raves, being the life of the party, and while i may've been able to find drugs and alcohol AT parties, for the most part, my addictions found me more isolated than I had ever been, just alone in my room...

i continued to try and shake him off, or change the topic, but further into the conversation, i found out that he doesn't drink, smoke... he doesn't anything. he abstains completely...i never asked him why though, and it's so different for me because in the past many people i associated with, friend or lover- if they didn't already use some sort of drug, were probably at least open to it...i still have friends who have their own groweries, or are at least still fascinated with concept of the "marijuana boom", and marijuana's current status in our cultural lexicon...or even consider themselves "connoisseurs"... my last boyfriend- notwithstanding the sad demise that relationship met- was also caught up with drugs, and was finally getting his life back on track after years on meth...

so after learning his views on drugs and alcohol (not so much his views as his teetotalism) i was scared, i didn't want him to know the truth about me.
i know that my past vices shouldn't define me now, but maybe that's the problem...they're not so "past". i'm still struggling to string a few months together...let alone a full year or even that coveted 6 month mark...i know you really shouldn't be dating so early in sobriety, but i just don't want to let this guy go. i wish i could come clean about why i avoided him for those couple days, but i don't want to gamble with what we have and how he thinks of me

...i know he's not naive enough to think that i don't have any "flaws", but past drug use and addiction would be considered heavy baggage in some (probably most) people's books...if i had maybe a year plus cleantime under my belt, maybe my addictions wouldn't be so *relevant* , but they still are for me...and him not knowing...it feels synonymous with being really disingenuous.

regardless of whether or not we work out, how will i do relationships in the future? i feel like a relationship with a so called "normie" would either render me "risky" or make me fearful of being judged...or maybe we just couldn't relate...maybe i'm not far enough into recovery to realize that all that stuff shouldn't matter, that soon i'll make it a thing of the past.

i'm still drawn to other drug and alcohol users (and not only in the casual/recreational sense) for partners because i suppose they'll just be able to understand it all on a deeper level than others ever could...but maybe with two addicts...you risk too much instability...i guess i'm still attracted to that grim, darkness of addiction. even though it was what- in many ways- ruined by life, to be with a fellow addict would let me partake in some sick thrill.

i stupidly walked right into a dead-end dialogue with this guy when i admitted that there *is* something holding me back...something i wish i could talk about, something i wish i could say... he told me that there's nothing that could make him change his mind about me and how much he cared about me, but that he'd still love to know what's been on my mind, that maybe, it could even bring us closer. he started guessing , wondering- what could it be? "have you been lying about something" , "are you a mother- have a one or more kids you neglected to mention?", "have you robbed a bank or something?" and just like that went down a list of possible proverbial "bombs" that i could drop.

there's no question here really...
i just don't know what to do
should i carry on with him like before? and not let my past (well, present) issues get in the way?
should i come right out and say it- about my past drug and alcohol abuse and addictions, under the assumption that if he's the one for me he'll at least accept it and stay in my life?

revealing secrets or just general info about the depths of my addictions have only driven people away in the past...especially once they were able to see with their own two eyes how it changed me, how things were never the same...so is opening up to him about this just asking for it all over again?

i really need advice!
sorry, this was so long winded
i didn't even know how to compose my own thoughts

LastMistake

For what its worth I find myself in an area much like yourself. Met someone that was very nice, only they smoke ppt and take xanax(sp?) Right now I know what I need to do is focus on myself so I have been keeping plenty of distance but at the same time there are things I wonder if I would be willing to admit to them.

We can only hope that if the feelings are real than these people would be able to look past the things that we have done. I know that no matter what, my sisters, mom, brother, they will love me regardless. Even my father, whom I butt heads with, feels the same way. I think we can both only hope that if someone were to love us it would be in this regard.

We are more than the mistakes we have made.

I don't want to tell you what to do, because I don't really know what to do for myself. I suppose the best thing is to focus on you. I think if you can you should not rush into any relationship right now, and at most, maybe let him know you have personal stuff going on and don't have the time/energy to commit to someone else. This, to me at least, sounds totally reasonable, and when you do have the time/energy to give a relationship a chance, be willing to accept that some people can't handle the mistakes others have made. Its nothing against you, and it doesn't make you any less valuable.

Ashamedof

Hi Ella! I just wanted to add that we all have a past / present and hopefully a future. I personally like to get the heavy stuff out on the table right away, in my case? Besides my addiction, I also can't have children. I let my husband know this on our second date...the conversation came up about kids and I felt I better tell him in case he wants to end it now, no harm no foul. Anyway, he just said "ok, I don't want you for your ability to have kids anyway, I want you because you're (insert my name) ...it was easier than I thought it would be. In fact it felt like a huge weight was lifted. I do feel you should open up and tell him, especially if you feel you could have something long term or even forever with him?
Unless he is a very judgmental person that looks down upon others for having this disease, you might not even want him in your life, you know? Before this gets too deep and you start catching hard feelings for him, it should be talked about IMO. I'm just giving my opinion but you do whatever you feel comfortable with. I can relate with being attracted to others who are addicts (even former) addicts because I feel they won't judge me and they will get me...that's probably just our addiction trying to convince us that we don't deserve "normal" that we deserve something chaotic to lure us back to our DOC. You absolutely deserve a great guy! Don't think otherwise for one second. You're not a bad person because you're an addict? It's not a moral issue. Let us know how you're doing and good luck!