Wanting to use again
 

It's been nearly six months since I last drank or used drugs. 2014 has been a completely clean year, but unfortunately the magic has worn off.

Six months is a long time, and it's been enough time that the bad feelings and negative experiences just aren't clear anymore, they aren't enough to keep me sober, I've forgotten them in favor of the euphoria and good times. This is the way the human minds works, I can't blame myself for that.

I'm looking for work right now, so that keeps me going. I refuse to fail a drug test, and I refuse to ever put myself in a situation where I would have to worry about passing one. Of all the things that have faded though, one thing that is clear to me is the power of the obsession. Last year around this time, I was walking through the streets, hoping I'd smell smoke, or hoping I'd just run into someone who looked like a stoner so I could ask them if they knew where I could pick up... Just a few hits had put me on that road, and the only thing that stopped it was picking up and using until I burned out. I will never have to experience that again unless I start using. Six months and that feeling has not returned, and I'm more confident than ever that it won't come back unless I give in.

I still want to use though, I can handle it, but I still feel it, and I think that eventually I will use again. Not anytime soon, but down the road when it feels safe to do so, I think that I will unless something changes. The possibility of smoking cannabis is back on the table again, while at one time it wasn't.

I know that there is always a choice, it doesn't have to happen, but it's already starting. The first step is to just post it here and stop thinking that I'm above posting just because I have six months.

It's never a foregone conclusion. You always have a choice.

Sounds like something does indeed need to change :) and imho there is only one thing which we can change.

I hope you find some direction, commitment, a mission, enjoyment, stuff-to-be-grateful-for, hope, acceptance, self-worth, Admiral. I doubt you'll find this stuff in a $10 bag. Doors will open if you don't pick up. Good luck with the job-hunting!

I used after almost 5 years clean. A combination of access, opportunity and obsession drove me to chase that sweet oblivation of being high. Let me tell it, the "good" feelings were short lived compared to the anxiety and remorse of blowing my clean time. And as for being 5 years removed from the last time I go high, I was right back to addict mode in one day.

The spree lasted four days and I was able to throw the last bit away and start my day one. I count myself lucky. I've known others who don't make it back.

I hope you'll reconsider what you are planning.

I threw six months of sobriety out the window with one stupid choice. Don't make this same mistake. You are stronger than this! You are better than this. Go back and ready what you wrote when you were first WD, if you posted here or if you journaled. That should remind you a little more. If that fails, go to a daycare and touch everything lol. You will be sick within 24 hours and it will remind you enough... haha. Hang in there. You can do it.

It's hard sometimes. I'm facing emotions which are myself making me think it's easier to use and escape instead of feeling emotions. I've planned how..... however I am too chicken to go through with my plan. I am over two years clean. I know with one hit, one pill, I wont stop. And I've worked to hard. I care too much about being pretty. I still have a shakey self esteem believe it or not. Lol. But I know I used to look like a drug addict. People would call it before they even knew my story. My teeth gave it all away. Now they're better and yes I look nice. There's always going to be that wanting and craving. Not always. But in that time think of the things you hated while using. Other things I would hate to lose are the respect I now get and image...... my image .. and by that I know there are people in my everyday life that look up to me and people on SR that think I have "made it" and I never think of myself as having made it but I don't want to disappoint anybody. Just play the tape through. Think of the withdrawals and desperation. Sorryif this sounds all about me me me but I am hoping my experienceswill help you. Forgive any typos. I type from my phone.