Judmental Friends
 

Good morning all,

I've been posting in here for a day now and I want to share an experience I had last night that maybe I can get some insight on.

I'm starting my 4th day off opiates today. Things finally seem to be getting back to normal. My appetite is still a little low but I'm happy I was able to eat last night. A friend came over last night who I had been neglecting to see for weeks due to my using drugs. We caught up a bit and I didn't really have much to share since I've been using constantly and no one in my life knows about it. Eventually, my roomate's pot dealer came through and they all cracked a beer and rolled a joint and started smoking. I did not partake in either. The conversation eventually led to friends from the past and how they all wound up hooked on pills or heroin. Keep in mind that each person in the room each had their own battles with pills as well but are all clean now, besides the beer and pot (my friend who came over does not smoke anymore but my roomate smokes). Anyway, they started talking about how some of the people even went on shooting drugs intravenously. They started talking as if they were disgusted. They admitted they all had their battles but never would "stoop that low" to use a needle. I immediately felt like the elephant in the room. I could have rolled up my sleeves and showed them my damaged arms and then what? Needless to say this made me feel terrible about myself and I retreated to my room to go to sleep. Yesterday was the third day clean and I feel that it was a ****** ending to it, being that I have been experiencing so much positive support on SR. Anyway, I guess this won't be the last experience I'll have with friends that don't know I've been using. Anyone have any similar experiences? I woke today on day 4 feeling the best I've felt in nearly a week and I do NOT want to experience any negativity as it is usually a trigger for me. Thanks for your help everyone.

-Steve-

I'm so sorry, Steve.

What other people think is none of my business.

It is not about them, it is about you and your decision to recover. They are sitting around drinking and smoking pot. Does their opinion matter to you so much that you would use again? I think not.

Hold your head high and keep on keeping on! Congrats on four days!:grouphug:

I found overwhelmingly the people I used to hang around with were incredibly negative bitter and judgmental.

I found when I moved away from those people, I opened up room for more positive people to enter my life, people who better reflected the person I was becoming :)

D

GracieLou,

Than you for the reply, and you are completely right. Their opinion does not matter at all as they aren't recovering for me, I am. I guess it was just strange to me that the first social experience I have had in the past few days was like this and hearing what these guys actually think of IV drug users being so negative. It was kind of a hit from left field. I guess I will have to get used to the fact that these people really don't know what I've been doing for years and what I've been going through this week to try and clean up and recover. I am serious as a heart attack in staying clean. I want nothing more than to out that lifestyle behind me and really be the person I was meant to be. Thanks for the support. I feel better already!

Dee,

The thing about these guys is that I've been friends with them since childhood so we grew up together and once we all started down the drug path, we all went our separate ways. We eventually found our ways back to each other, but I never truly stopped. It only got so bad for me the past couple years. And only recently that I've decided to clean up is it becoming extremely difficult because of the withdrawal. I know in another day I will be back to normal, I already feel great today and had a great breakfast (first one in days!) I guess it's just the reality that I had a further rock bottom than they did that makes it seem like I was a worse addict than they. I know it's not true. An addict is an addict, there's no levels. I guess being on SR for the past few days and experiencing such positive support, it was like a low blow sitting in a conversation where people were trashing IV users. It hurt, but I know that they don't know I used needles, and I know that they don't dislike me or anything like that. We've all been best friends (minus the pot dealer) for 20 years. I'm sure even if I told them they wouldn't abandon me as a friend. They'd be shocked but they wouldn't end our friendship over it, especially since I'm cleaning up.

Thank you for the support!

-Steve-

well, kudos to you if you can be around dealers and pot smokers this early in recovery and not be tempted, njdude.

Probably best to consider it guys mouthing off about an experience they've never had...

Hurtful for sure, but they don't know your whole story so...

The past is gone. You're getting clean. You're reclaiming your life. Nothing to be ashamed of there.

Keep on doing all the right things :)
D

Steve - I wouldn't sweat it. There are a lot of people out there that think the same way. In fact, I bet the vast majority of people think that way, but I could be off my rocker on that one. If they had been in a situation where they were seriously dopesick off of the pills and that was all they had access to I doubt they would be so judgmental. You can't control their thinking so maybe you should avoid them for the time being. Although, it doesn't seem like something that would come up in conversation that often.

Thank you dee. The dealer was someone my roomate knows, I never met him. And he was only selling pot (not that it makes a difference in the sober world). My roomate smokes regularly and I realized last year that I can't smoke pot any more. It gives me crazy panic and anxiety attacks. I've tried here and there in the last year and I go absolutely crazy. So I didn't want to partake in what they were doing. Also my friend who came to visit doesn't smoke either as he has a similar experience to me. I think there is something in the weed these days!

You're right, probably just all mouthing off trying to trade stories yet maintain a positive image. I get it, I do it too sometimes around those that are clean while i was still using. I needed to maintain the facade of not being a druggy.

I'm just glad to be coming to the end of day 4, sober as a judge!

Opiophobe,

You're right, we actually hardly ever talk about our past drug experiences! That's why it was so out of left field to me! Three days into my recovery and of course the first social experience I decide to attempt has to end on that note! But hey, I didn't use and it didn't affect my recovery so I guess there's really not much more to take from it. There will always be people who do not understand. I guess we can't force or try to make them see things the way we do. Once again, I'm happy to be clean 4 days now :)

Reminds me of the line in Raising Arizona, "Now, ya'll without sin...":). Ironic that dudes getting drunk and high have such strong opinions on what's an acceptable ROA:)

I know it sounds very immature but before I started using I was the same way. Always said "I will never sink to that level or do something that extreme". But as the time went on addiction grabbed a hold of me and sure enough I did. Better days ahead though. Staying clean is one of the biggest challenges in my life. Hope all is well with everyone!

I was the same way. I remember looking down on my ex-husband because he drank two cups of coffee and then grabbed beer on a Saturday morning. I did the exact same thing the last two years I drank.

By the time I had gotten to that point I did not care anymore and even had the passing thought that maybe I should ring him up and get back together with him since now I understood him. How sick is that?

Hang in there, Keep on keeping on!

That's not crazy at all GracieLou! I have that same thought with most of my ex girlfriends haha! It's crazy how emotions like that come back with some clean time and a clear head. Take it slow though, don't make any impulse decisions. That's what got us here in the first place!

Hope you all have a great day!

-Steve-

No worries here. I meant I had those thoughts when I was still drinking..lol

I am clear headed today! :)

I'm sure if you would have showed them your right there and then your friends would have reached out to you with love.

Keep up the good work

When I was in active addiction I used to say, "Well at least I don't shoot up needles, I could never do that (fear of needles)". Now I recognize that I'm lucky I have a fear of needles - otherwise my addiction could've led me to using heroin, or shooting up other drugs I'd been using such as cocaine or pills.

I think it makes us feel better to compare ourselves to a 'new low', so that our addiction doesn't seem so bad. In reality, addicts are one and the same.

I have come to the sad conclusion that several of the people that used to hang out with me regularly did so because "at least they weren't as bad as Gaffo". Fortunately for me, they left when they realized that I quit and they didn't/couldn't.

Yes I remember when I was young that I would say that I'd never use needles. Well I ended up using crack on and off mostly on for ten years. But I did do a needle one time but was scared and already paranoid from crack

I was just like those friends of yours... Used to think well I'm not that bad off, I'm not sticking a needle in my arm, until I was.