when i'm sober, will i still love & be attracted to him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 6
when i'm sober, will i still love & be attracted to him?
Hey everyone!
My current fear/question is pretty specific, but for the sake of context, (and since this is my first post), I figure it's best if I share "my story" first.
Its long, and i apologize! Please, if you get bored, just scroll down to the last section where I get to the point.
I'd hate to bore any of you away with my backstory, because I really really would appreciate some insight on my actual question.
BEFORE.
3 years ago, when I was about 19 years old, I moved to Los Angeles. I've always felt a bit socially awkward, and inherently "lonely"; but I hid it well, and if a friend or outsider were to describe me it would have fallen somewhere around bubbly, outgoing, social butterfly. I wasn't a partier in high school, had never touched drugs, hardly drank... no interest.
My boyfriend at the time was actually 5 years sober, and I remember loving that about him! It meant he didn't think it was lame that I'd chose movie-night over house-party any day. Every 'first' with him was done sober. Sex, trips, family events, saying "i love you"... We had a pure, unadulterated relationship.
Regarding the person I'm describing, the 19 year old me, I want to say "I was just a happy person!" but thats actually one of the problems... I don't honestly remember exactly who and/or what I was.
THE FIRST TASTE.
I'll never forget, one friday night out on the town, a friend of mine offered me half of a pill. I didn't know what it was, and laughed it off, saying no thanks. But the friend was my best friend, my roommate, and it didn't hurt that I was madly in love with him as well. Needless to say, I trusted the guy, so when he looked me in the eye and said "don't worry, it's the tiniest amount, and totally safe - you'll just have a little more energy", i took a deep breath, placed it on my tongue, and swallowed.
The next day, I got texts from people at the party saying how AWESOME i was last night, and how FUN i am. The tiny, half pill, was adderall.
And thus, the saga begins.
THE IGNORANT YEAR.
For the first 6 months or so, i'd take maybe 1/2 an adderall, once a month. It was purely for those nights when I wanted to be able to dance and drink with the best of em! Over the next 6 months, it turned into a weekend thing, but never in excess... just a little bit to get a push. I was still working, and had energy in all other parts of my life. Those special nights were just that.. special.
THE PSEUDO PERFECT LIFE.
When i was 20, i started what would become my career in the film biz (behind the camera, not on). I was that "amazing young girl who was so talented, and motivated!" My social group graduated to all older professionals. Witty, mature, smart, talented people. The job was grueling, the hours were long, and i needed to be ON all the time. I started taking adderall everyday. Still in tiny amounts, but I was just infatuated with the way people saw me. I could do anything! I was the future, the next big thing! It didn't seem like a problem to me though - because i was smart. a "hypochondriac-addict" if you will. It was never about partying or getting ****** up... It was about maintaining my status, and being the best i could be!
ADDING TO THE MIX.
By 21, work was my whole life. I love love love my job, and was so thrilled, and filled with pride that I could honestly say that at such a young age, I was well on my way to a life-long, lucrative, enjoyable career. But with that, was also the pressure to be bigger, better, faster all the time.
My boss, who i spent a majority of my time with, was my best friend. He was brilliant, and acted as an authority, a mentor, a friend, and even a father figure at times. He is successful, and lives "the life". He works extremely hard, and is great at what he does - but he could also out party anyone. When he started including me in events with him and "them", I was so happy. I finally felt like I belonged. But with that life, came new offers.
One day we had just finished a huge job that I had been heavily involved in, and we were enjoying a beer at a lovely restaurant to relax and celebrate, and he offered me a vicodin. I'd never tried it, but similar to the instance with my friend at 19 - the situation felt in no way dirty, wrong, or scary. This was the guy I looked up to most in the world! I took a half, thought it was nice, and never really thought about it again.
THE BEGINNING OF THE END:
Cue to me being 22. Work is great, I'm preforming well, but the newness is wearing off. My loneliness is coming back as I realize that I still am the "young one", the small fish in a huge pool.
I started taking little halves of vicodin once in a while, maybe once or twice a month - when there'd be a dinner party with someone I admired, for example. It allowed me to feel alert, but not nervous. I'd be calm, funny, relaxed. I was COOL. I felt totally in control, if I didn't have any pills at all for a week i didn't care at all. Tiny bits, here and there, no drinking, no stealing, no reckless behavior,... Just simply a surprisingly successful, ambitious, mature young person who could "do it all" and still hold an interesting conversation at the head of the dinner party table.
WHEN THE TRUTH HITS:
Cut to 8 months ago. Without even realizing it, my "half adderall a month" treat, had turned into a daily adderall+vicodin habit.
No deadline or social event was too daunting, or intimidating. My relationship with my family was the strongest it has ever been. I was actively picking my little brother up from school, and going out of my way to run errands for them, and have deep, engaging conversations with my mom. My career was perfect! I was the young wonder. My friends were so happy to see that I'd actually go out with them at night and get along with everyone. I'd be the first to volunteer my time if anyone needed a ride, or advice. Perfection.
I was such a functioning member of society, I felt like the "best me". The problem with this, though, was when I realized that doing any of those tasks without a pill sounded terrifying. I wouldn't dream of leaving the house with my little stocked little tin mint case in my purse.
If my mom would try to talk to me, before i'd self medicated, i was grumpy, irritable, and had literally no interest in what she was saying.
It came to a point where I realized that I hadn't had a single SOBER social interaction for at least a year. Hanging out with even my closest friend to watch a movie, without a little bit of vicodin was just... unthinkable.
I stopped both, cold turkey, about 4 months ago, but relapsed a week later. The problem was not physical pain or anything... it was the fact that I was so depressed and tired and angry and mean that I feared for my whole career and social life.
I started up again, slowly, and like magic, life was perfect again. It's insanely hard to stop doing something that on the surface, in the short term makes my life and everyone around me, substantially better. (gross and ignorant, i know).
THE PRESENT DAY / QUITTING:
Just to clarify, at this point the actual "amount" i was taking was relatively low - still less than the "prescribed amount" - maximum two 20mg Adderall, and one or two 10/325 Norcos daily - spread out very carefully throughout the day, always taken in halves or quarters.
The problem was that it was daily, and that in my head... I NEEDED IT.
It wasn't about getting high, it was about feeling normal.
Two days ago, I realized that I needed to stop before it went any further. I'd like to think that I'm way too smart for this. Mostly because Im starting to feel very guilty that this perfect person I've created isn't actually me. I knew I couldn't do it forever, and there was NEVER going to be the perfect time. I was never going to have a break from work, or a little cabin where no one would "know".
Not a single one of my friends know my "secret". I'm so embarrassed and filled with guilt over it.
So, two days ago, I stopped the Vicodin (Norco).
I have reduced my adderall, but still take it because I'm in the middle of a big job, and remembering the lethargy and depression i felt last time... I'm taking baby steps.
In most ways, I feel great without the opiates so far. I'll chalk this mostly up to the fact that I'm so ******* proud of myself, and so excited to be FREE FROM PAINKILLERS.
I've been taking walks, stuffing myself with healthy food, vitamins, water by the gallon... My stomach is a little wonky, and of course I'd LOVE to take a vicodin to feel less anxious, and more "normal".. but Im by no means crying on the bathroom floor in a puddle of sweat.
GETTING TO THE POINT - MY QUESTION:
Here is the point.
Love was always the only missing link in this pseudo perfect life id created.
And then I started dating a boy 2 months ago. This is the first person I've dated in over 3 years. Before him, I was never able to stay interested past a first date, if at all. He is great and affectionate and things are moving fast in a really lovely direction.
It's been incredible to experience someone loving me, and even MORESO, its been absolutely amazing to feel capable of loving someone else. Holding hands, long drives, cuddling, being partners in crime.
The only little problem I have with him is that he is incredibly hyper and talks incessantly. When he catches me sober, I'm extremely annoyed (in the same way i get grumpy and irritable with most people when I'm sober). But once I 'normalize' myself by taking my pills, the character flaw becomes just "who he is" and we have a great time. I've been happier with him than I've ever been with any other guy. I'd be lying if i said i hadn't even thrown around the term "falling in love" to my mom & best friend.
Since I stopped taking the Norco, I havnt seen him. I told him i had a heavy workload and was too busy.
The truth is, I'm terrified that without opiates in my system, that I won't be the same person he's been falling for. Im afraid that I won't know how to have fun with him, and that he probably won't like me anymore
But moreso, I'm terrified that i will now find him intolerable. He doesn't deserve to date an irritable, grumpy, tired person!
Him aside - thats my number one fear in general, actually. That while I'm safe at home and busy, i'll be fine, but that socially... I won't be "ME" anymore. The idea of going to a friends house right now to just 'chill' sounds like hell. Everything sounds scary and nerve wrecking and honestly... down right boring.
There is definitely, without a doubt, something MISSING in my life. The little piece to the puzzle that made my day good. (not high as a kite good, just 'normal' and enjoyable). The piece that made me a good person. The piece that made me a person people wanted to be around.
The best word to describe it is "uncomfortable". Im just uncomfortable sober, and i get a strong urge to sneak home and lay down where I'm safe and alone.
Has anyone found that once they got sober, they fell out of love with their significant other?
Were you ever able to regain comfort in social situations?
I can take pain, but I cant take the idea of finding everyone annoying, or being terrified to spend time with people, or go out and see/meet people for the rest of my life.
For me, "talking to someone" and "taking a vicodin" go hand in hand.
The social anxiety & self-confidence issues that i managed to "magically fix" for the last 3 years are back with a vengeance, 100x worse.
Anyone know this feeling?
I cant hide from my boyfriend forever! The poor dude...
I'll be absolutely devastated if by quitting opiates and 'doing the right thing', I lose the ability to love him, or spend time with my other friends who I've only known as the medicated me, and visa versa.
Sorry that was terribly long... I guess these stories are rarely simple, over night events. It happens slowly, and then all at once...
Anyway, I really appreciate anyone who actually read that whole thing, and thank you in advance for your help.
xoxo
My current fear/question is pretty specific, but for the sake of context, (and since this is my first post), I figure it's best if I share "my story" first.
Its long, and i apologize! Please, if you get bored, just scroll down to the last section where I get to the point.
I'd hate to bore any of you away with my backstory, because I really really would appreciate some insight on my actual question.
BEFORE.
3 years ago, when I was about 19 years old, I moved to Los Angeles. I've always felt a bit socially awkward, and inherently "lonely"; but I hid it well, and if a friend or outsider were to describe me it would have fallen somewhere around bubbly, outgoing, social butterfly. I wasn't a partier in high school, had never touched drugs, hardly drank... no interest.
My boyfriend at the time was actually 5 years sober, and I remember loving that about him! It meant he didn't think it was lame that I'd chose movie-night over house-party any day. Every 'first' with him was done sober. Sex, trips, family events, saying "i love you"... We had a pure, unadulterated relationship.
Regarding the person I'm describing, the 19 year old me, I want to say "I was just a happy person!" but thats actually one of the problems... I don't honestly remember exactly who and/or what I was.
THE FIRST TASTE.
I'll never forget, one friday night out on the town, a friend of mine offered me half of a pill. I didn't know what it was, and laughed it off, saying no thanks. But the friend was my best friend, my roommate, and it didn't hurt that I was madly in love with him as well. Needless to say, I trusted the guy, so when he looked me in the eye and said "don't worry, it's the tiniest amount, and totally safe - you'll just have a little more energy", i took a deep breath, placed it on my tongue, and swallowed.
The next day, I got texts from people at the party saying how AWESOME i was last night, and how FUN i am. The tiny, half pill, was adderall.
And thus, the saga begins.
THE IGNORANT YEAR.
For the first 6 months or so, i'd take maybe 1/2 an adderall, once a month. It was purely for those nights when I wanted to be able to dance and drink with the best of em! Over the next 6 months, it turned into a weekend thing, but never in excess... just a little bit to get a push. I was still working, and had energy in all other parts of my life. Those special nights were just that.. special.
THE PSEUDO PERFECT LIFE.
When i was 20, i started what would become my career in the film biz (behind the camera, not on). I was that "amazing young girl who was so talented, and motivated!" My social group graduated to all older professionals. Witty, mature, smart, talented people. The job was grueling, the hours were long, and i needed to be ON all the time. I started taking adderall everyday. Still in tiny amounts, but I was just infatuated with the way people saw me. I could do anything! I was the future, the next big thing! It didn't seem like a problem to me though - because i was smart. a "hypochondriac-addict" if you will. It was never about partying or getting ****** up... It was about maintaining my status, and being the best i could be!
ADDING TO THE MIX.
By 21, work was my whole life. I love love love my job, and was so thrilled, and filled with pride that I could honestly say that at such a young age, I was well on my way to a life-long, lucrative, enjoyable career. But with that, was also the pressure to be bigger, better, faster all the time.
My boss, who i spent a majority of my time with, was my best friend. He was brilliant, and acted as an authority, a mentor, a friend, and even a father figure at times. He is successful, and lives "the life". He works extremely hard, and is great at what he does - but he could also out party anyone. When he started including me in events with him and "them", I was so happy. I finally felt like I belonged. But with that life, came new offers.
One day we had just finished a huge job that I had been heavily involved in, and we were enjoying a beer at a lovely restaurant to relax and celebrate, and he offered me a vicodin. I'd never tried it, but similar to the instance with my friend at 19 - the situation felt in no way dirty, wrong, or scary. This was the guy I looked up to most in the world! I took a half, thought it was nice, and never really thought about it again.
THE BEGINNING OF THE END:
Cue to me being 22. Work is great, I'm preforming well, but the newness is wearing off. My loneliness is coming back as I realize that I still am the "young one", the small fish in a huge pool.
I started taking little halves of vicodin once in a while, maybe once or twice a month - when there'd be a dinner party with someone I admired, for example. It allowed me to feel alert, but not nervous. I'd be calm, funny, relaxed. I was COOL. I felt totally in control, if I didn't have any pills at all for a week i didn't care at all. Tiny bits, here and there, no drinking, no stealing, no reckless behavior,... Just simply a surprisingly successful, ambitious, mature young person who could "do it all" and still hold an interesting conversation at the head of the dinner party table.
WHEN THE TRUTH HITS:
Cut to 8 months ago. Without even realizing it, my "half adderall a month" treat, had turned into a daily adderall+vicodin habit.
No deadline or social event was too daunting, or intimidating. My relationship with my family was the strongest it has ever been. I was actively picking my little brother up from school, and going out of my way to run errands for them, and have deep, engaging conversations with my mom. My career was perfect! I was the young wonder. My friends were so happy to see that I'd actually go out with them at night and get along with everyone. I'd be the first to volunteer my time if anyone needed a ride, or advice. Perfection.
I was such a functioning member of society, I felt like the "best me". The problem with this, though, was when I realized that doing any of those tasks without a pill sounded terrifying. I wouldn't dream of leaving the house with my little stocked little tin mint case in my purse.
If my mom would try to talk to me, before i'd self medicated, i was grumpy, irritable, and had literally no interest in what she was saying.
It came to a point where I realized that I hadn't had a single SOBER social interaction for at least a year. Hanging out with even my closest friend to watch a movie, without a little bit of vicodin was just... unthinkable.
I stopped both, cold turkey, about 4 months ago, but relapsed a week later. The problem was not physical pain or anything... it was the fact that I was so depressed and tired and angry and mean that I feared for my whole career and social life.
I started up again, slowly, and like magic, life was perfect again. It's insanely hard to stop doing something that on the surface, in the short term makes my life and everyone around me, substantially better. (gross and ignorant, i know).
THE PRESENT DAY / QUITTING:
Just to clarify, at this point the actual "amount" i was taking was relatively low - still less than the "prescribed amount" - maximum two 20mg Adderall, and one or two 10/325 Norcos daily - spread out very carefully throughout the day, always taken in halves or quarters.
The problem was that it was daily, and that in my head... I NEEDED IT.
It wasn't about getting high, it was about feeling normal.
Two days ago, I realized that I needed to stop before it went any further. I'd like to think that I'm way too smart for this. Mostly because Im starting to feel very guilty that this perfect person I've created isn't actually me. I knew I couldn't do it forever, and there was NEVER going to be the perfect time. I was never going to have a break from work, or a little cabin where no one would "know".
Not a single one of my friends know my "secret". I'm so embarrassed and filled with guilt over it.
So, two days ago, I stopped the Vicodin (Norco).
I have reduced my adderall, but still take it because I'm in the middle of a big job, and remembering the lethargy and depression i felt last time... I'm taking baby steps.
In most ways, I feel great without the opiates so far. I'll chalk this mostly up to the fact that I'm so ******* proud of myself, and so excited to be FREE FROM PAINKILLERS.
I've been taking walks, stuffing myself with healthy food, vitamins, water by the gallon... My stomach is a little wonky, and of course I'd LOVE to take a vicodin to feel less anxious, and more "normal".. but Im by no means crying on the bathroom floor in a puddle of sweat.
GETTING TO THE POINT - MY QUESTION:
Here is the point.
Love was always the only missing link in this pseudo perfect life id created.
And then I started dating a boy 2 months ago. This is the first person I've dated in over 3 years. Before him, I was never able to stay interested past a first date, if at all. He is great and affectionate and things are moving fast in a really lovely direction.
It's been incredible to experience someone loving me, and even MORESO, its been absolutely amazing to feel capable of loving someone else. Holding hands, long drives, cuddling, being partners in crime.
The only little problem I have with him is that he is incredibly hyper and talks incessantly. When he catches me sober, I'm extremely annoyed (in the same way i get grumpy and irritable with most people when I'm sober). But once I 'normalize' myself by taking my pills, the character flaw becomes just "who he is" and we have a great time. I've been happier with him than I've ever been with any other guy. I'd be lying if i said i hadn't even thrown around the term "falling in love" to my mom & best friend.
Since I stopped taking the Norco, I havnt seen him. I told him i had a heavy workload and was too busy.
The truth is, I'm terrified that without opiates in my system, that I won't be the same person he's been falling for. Im afraid that I won't know how to have fun with him, and that he probably won't like me anymore
But moreso, I'm terrified that i will now find him intolerable. He doesn't deserve to date an irritable, grumpy, tired person!
Him aside - thats my number one fear in general, actually. That while I'm safe at home and busy, i'll be fine, but that socially... I won't be "ME" anymore. The idea of going to a friends house right now to just 'chill' sounds like hell. Everything sounds scary and nerve wrecking and honestly... down right boring.
There is definitely, without a doubt, something MISSING in my life. The little piece to the puzzle that made my day good. (not high as a kite good, just 'normal' and enjoyable). The piece that made me a good person. The piece that made me a person people wanted to be around.
The best word to describe it is "uncomfortable". Im just uncomfortable sober, and i get a strong urge to sneak home and lay down where I'm safe and alone.
Has anyone found that once they got sober, they fell out of love with their significant other?
Were you ever able to regain comfort in social situations?
I can take pain, but I cant take the idea of finding everyone annoying, or being terrified to spend time with people, or go out and see/meet people for the rest of my life.
For me, "talking to someone" and "taking a vicodin" go hand in hand.
The social anxiety & self-confidence issues that i managed to "magically fix" for the last 3 years are back with a vengeance, 100x worse.
Anyone know this feeling?
I cant hide from my boyfriend forever! The poor dude...
I'll be absolutely devastated if by quitting opiates and 'doing the right thing', I lose the ability to love him, or spend time with my other friends who I've only known as the medicated me, and visa versa.
Sorry that was terribly long... I guess these stories are rarely simple, over night events. It happens slowly, and then all at once...
Anyway, I really appreciate anyone who actually read that whole thing, and thank you in advance for your help.
xoxo
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Hi scaredandtrying - welcome 
the short answer is - you won't know until you try being the sober you again.
Think about it tho - if this guy doesn't like the real you then maybe he's no great loss?
D
the short answer is - you won't know until you try being the sober you again.
Think about it tho - if this guy doesn't like the real you then maybe he's no great loss?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 6
Thank you Dee74 for the quick response!
You're right... I'll have to see. It's a scary thought that the things that are supposed to be the easiest, i.e spending time with friends/loved ones, is the most intimidating and daunting.
But in this case, I guess I'm less worried about him not liking me, and substantially more worried that I'll come to find out that what I thought was some magical budding romance, was actually just a fabrication of my substance-riddled brain. How heartbreaking...
I'm avoiding him because I'm afraid that he'll walk in the room and I'll take one look at him sober and think "mehhh....?" I'm trying to maintain the magic for as long as i can, by keeping up the texting, etc and not being cold.
Another valid concern is that being so so fresh in the quitting process, a breakup would be the worst thing for my sober moral...
Did you notice your relationships (of any kind) changing after you got clean?
Or your personality?
You're right... I'll have to see. It's a scary thought that the things that are supposed to be the easiest, i.e spending time with friends/loved ones, is the most intimidating and daunting.
But in this case, I guess I'm less worried about him not liking me, and substantially more worried that I'll come to find out that what I thought was some magical budding romance, was actually just a fabrication of my substance-riddled brain. How heartbreaking...
I'm avoiding him because I'm afraid that he'll walk in the room and I'll take one look at him sober and think "mehhh....?" I'm trying to maintain the magic for as long as i can, by keeping up the texting, etc and not being cold.
Another valid concern is that being so so fresh in the quitting process, a breakup would be the worst thing for my sober moral...
Did you notice your relationships (of any kind) changing after you got clean?
Or your personality?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I didn't have any relationships to speak of because I was a pretty hardcore alcoholic by the end - my only connection was with other male hard drinkers like myself, so I can't help you there.
I found I didn't so much change as revert back to a me I'd forgotten about - a me I had been before drinking - but I was a better version in the sense I was in my forties and 20 years old older and less self conscious.
I met my wife after I got sober. I'm glad I did it that way cos I know I'm a better partner now that I might have been, and we're still together some 6 years later.
Not sure if any of that helps, but that was my experience
the bottom line is if this guy likes you he'll stick around - if not, in time you're sure to find someone who will
D
I found I didn't so much change as revert back to a me I'd forgotten about - a me I had been before drinking - but I was a better version in the sense I was in my forties and 20 years old older and less self conscious.
I met my wife after I got sober. I'm glad I did it that way cos I know I'm a better partner now that I might have been, and we're still together some 6 years later.
Not sure if any of that helps, but that was my experience
the bottom line is if this guy likes you he'll stick around - if not, in time you're sure to find someone who will
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 6
It's amazing how calming just the simple idea of "reverting back to me" is.
Obviously I survived and thrived for almost 2 decades without the help of substances... So I know that girl is still inside me somewhere.
But what about boredom? Or insatiability? As in, so much of your life revolves around your vice of choice, that without it... is there still a void? Lackluster? Half-mass?
How long, if ever, did it take you to be able to have fun... hang out socially.. etc?
I'm sure you never fully stop craving the vice entirely, its who we are - but does life still feel... "less than", after the initial few weeks/months?
Obviously I survived and thrived for almost 2 decades without the help of substances... So I know that girl is still inside me somewhere.
But what about boredom? Or insatiability? As in, so much of your life revolves around your vice of choice, that without it... is there still a void? Lackluster? Half-mass?
How long, if ever, did it take you to be able to have fun... hang out socially.. etc?
I'm sure you never fully stop craving the vice entirely, its who we are - but does life still feel... "less than", after the initial few weeks/months?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Floripa
Posts: 121
"The only little problem I have with him is that he is incredibly hyper and talks incessantly. When he catches me sober, I'm extremely annoyed (in the same way i get grumpy and irritable with most people when I'm sober). But once I 'normalize' myself by taking my pills, the character flaw becomes just "who he is" and we have a great time."
I dont know how long it takes to normalise off those drugs but for first 5 days off alcohol I am not really "digging" ANYONE including myself.
The problem is you need to normalise you will be surprised how much of the real you is in the person he already knows and loves. You have been taking those drugs so long that actually all they are doing is "normalising" you.
But the girl he loves is the girl you are, I assure you of that.
I dont know how long it takes to normalise off those drugs but for first 5 days off alcohol I am not really "digging" ANYONE including myself.
The problem is you need to normalise you will be surprised how much of the real you is in the person he already knows and loves. You have been taking those drugs so long that actually all they are doing is "normalising" you.
But the girl he loves is the girl you are, I assure you of that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Everything changes when you get sober.
Some things have to go, some things have to change.
But the alternative is that you really aren't being real or true,and that's not really fair to either of you, is it?
Given that you've been in this relationship a relatively short time, take care of your health first, and if he's meant to be,he'll stay along for the ride.
Some things have to go, some things have to change.
But the alternative is that you really aren't being real or true,and that's not really fair to either of you, is it?
Given that you've been in this relationship a relatively short time, take care of your health first, and if he's meant to be,he'll stay along for the ride.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Floripa
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by scaredandtrying 
It's amazing how calming just the simple idea of "reverting back to me" is.
Obviously I survived and thrived for almost 2 decades without the help of substances... So I know that girl is still inside me somewhere.
But what about boredom? Or insatiability? As in, so much of your life revolves around your vice of choice, that without it... is there still a void? Lackluster? Half-mass?
How long, if ever, did it take you to be able to have fun... hang out socially.. etc?
I'm sure you never fully stop craving the vice entirely, its who we are - but does life still feel... "less than", after the initial few weeks/months?
Obviously I survived and thrived for almost 2 decades without the help of substances... So I know that girl is still inside me somewhere.
But what about boredom? Or insatiability? As in, so much of your life revolves around your vice of choice, that without it... is there still a void? Lackluster? Half-mass?
How long, if ever, did it take you to be able to have fun... hang out socially.. etc?
I'm sure you never fully stop craving the vice entirely, its who we are - but does life still feel... "less than", after the initial few weeks/months?
You are here because you KNOW you have to stop this habit because you KNOW it is going to kill you and get worse and worse and worse.
Listen, it is amazing how good a liar my brain is to me. It suddenly makes me forget about all the reasons I have stopped, tells me, "Look man, you are stronger again now, your body has bounced back, you are not really dying, you can go get pissed tonight...." - A week later I feel like I am dying again.
Also if this guy happens to lose interest in you while you are quitting then that is going to try trick you into slipping again.
The girl he is loving is the real you. The drugs after that time of abuse are not doing anything but keeping you normal - Normal as in how you would have been had you never become an addict.
Alcohol is even worse .It doesnt keep me "normal" it makes me ********. But it makes me FEEL normal.
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Originally Posted by scaredandtrying
It's amazing how calming just the simple idea of "reverting back to me" is.
Obviously I survived and thrived for almost 2 decades without the help of substances... So I know that girl is still inside me somewhere.
But what about boredom? Or insatiability? As in, so much of your life revolves around your vice of choice, that without it... is there still a void? Lackluster? Half-mass?
How long, if ever, did it take you to be able to have fun... hang out socially.. etc?
I'm sure you never fully stop craving the vice entirely, its who we are - but does life still feel... "less than", after the initial few weeks/months?
Obviously I survived and thrived for almost 2 decades without the help of substances... So I know that girl is still inside me somewhere.
But what about boredom? Or insatiability? As in, so much of your life revolves around your vice of choice, that without it... is there still a void? Lackluster? Half-mass?
How long, if ever, did it take you to be able to have fun... hang out socially.. etc?
I'm sure you never fully stop craving the vice entirely, its who we are - but does life still feel... "less than", after the initial few weeks/months?
I'm not going to lie - some of the first months are rough - learning to live and have fun sober is like learning to walk again - but you'll not be alone - there's a lot of support here.
Try not to think too far ahead or your head may explode lol - try not to think of it as one enormous task either, it's just a day by day bit by bit thing the way that other parts of our life are.
I stayed away from alcohol and drugs for a few months - I really wanted a change.
I wasn't a hermit - I did things that didn't involve booze or getting high - coffee dates movies etc...but I stayed away from things where I knew I might be tempted until I felt I was strong enough to deal with them and stay sober.
You may find it's a shorter time for you but it was maybe 4 months or so for me - it might seem long on paper but it doesn't seem long at all to me now, and it served as a solid foundation for my continued recovery.
I can honestly say I don't feel the pull of drugs or alcohol anymore - I love who I am now and I love my life, and a life you love is not one you want to escape from
my void is healed
D
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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This is so great - I'm so glad I joined this forum!
You guys are making a lot of good points - and it's such a strange and pleasant calming sensation to have people to talk to, and people who actually understand what I'm saying.
None of my close friends have ever had this type of problem before, and are mostly the type of folks who would say something like: "uh.. why don't you just stop?" or they just give me a scared and slightly disgusted look as they try to assimilate me to the "junkies" they see on tv.
Here's another question i've been toying with:
This guy and I have already been through a couple gnarly things together, and are pretty good about communicating... Should I sit him down and tell him what's going on??
Im toying with the idea of telling him the truth. That way he knows whats going on, and maybe he can help me. Or at least understand when i say "can we just hole up and watch a movie tonight/forever?" It might help if he knew why I was moody, for example - So that he didn't take it personally.
Also, I'm a big fan of honesty, and setting a good precedence. id hate to think that we manage to stay together, and 6 months/a year from now theres this huge part of me that he doesn't know about. I think if i were him, i'd probably be upset finding out that my partner was going through something major in the beginning of our relationship and he never told me about it.
On the other hand, its a pretty heavy thing to lay on someone so soon. I wouldn't want to become a 'project'. Also, I've found it can be weird when someone 'knows' because you become paranoid and annoyed when they accidentally 'look' and you in a weird and/or concerned way. If I manage to go through this relatively painlessly, would it even be worth bringing up?
What do you guys think?
** Remember, we've only been dating 2 months. But it's been one of those fast paced, open-sleeve type relationships, and we've hit some pretty heavy road bumps together already. (namely, abortion. through which he was overwhelmingly supportive, mature and rad) **
You guys are making a lot of good points - and it's such a strange and pleasant calming sensation to have people to talk to, and people who actually understand what I'm saying.
None of my close friends have ever had this type of problem before, and are mostly the type of folks who would say something like: "uh.. why don't you just stop?" or they just give me a scared and slightly disgusted look as they try to assimilate me to the "junkies" they see on tv.
Here's another question i've been toying with:
This guy and I have already been through a couple gnarly things together, and are pretty good about communicating... Should I sit him down and tell him what's going on??
Im toying with the idea of telling him the truth. That way he knows whats going on, and maybe he can help me. Or at least understand when i say "can we just hole up and watch a movie tonight/forever?" It might help if he knew why I was moody, for example - So that he didn't take it personally.
Also, I'm a big fan of honesty, and setting a good precedence. id hate to think that we manage to stay together, and 6 months/a year from now theres this huge part of me that he doesn't know about. I think if i were him, i'd probably be upset finding out that my partner was going through something major in the beginning of our relationship and he never told me about it.
On the other hand, its a pretty heavy thing to lay on someone so soon. I wouldn't want to become a 'project'. Also, I've found it can be weird when someone 'knows' because you become paranoid and annoyed when they accidentally 'look' and you in a weird and/or concerned way. If I manage to go through this relatively painlessly, would it even be worth bringing up?
What do you guys think?
** Remember, we've only been dating 2 months. But it's been one of those fast paced, open-sleeve type relationships, and we've hit some pretty heavy road bumps together already. (namely, abortion. through which he was overwhelmingly supportive, mature and rad) **
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I think only you can really answer this scaredandtrying - you know the guy, and the relationship better than we do.
I think you're right tho - you can't hide from the guy forever, and it does sound like it's a lot more than a casual thing.
I know I would want to know if I was the guy...but the timing and the context is down to you, I think?
This is the downtime of the forum right now, but maybe others here will come along with more ideas than I have
D
I think you're right tho - you can't hide from the guy forever, and it does sound like it's a lot more than a casual thing.
I know I would want to know if I was the guy...but the timing and the context is down to you, I think?
This is the downtime of the forum right now, but maybe others here will come along with more ideas than I have
D
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 6
Thanks Dee74.
I think that when I see him in the next day or so, i'll feel it out. If the timing is right and the opportunity arises, I think I'll just intuitively know.
From the sounds of it, you have quite some time under your belt. I think it is such an amazing thing that you're still on these boards, helping young, flailing newbies like me... From the bottom of my heart, thank you. It's one thing to be in the company of other scared, freshly sober folks who can share in the minute by minute - but quite another to get some words from someone on the other side (and thriving, from what i can gather).
you're appreciated, your wife's a lucky lady!
I think that when I see him in the next day or so, i'll feel it out. If the timing is right and the opportunity arises, I think I'll just intuitively know.
From the sounds of it, you have quite some time under your belt. I think it is such an amazing thing that you're still on these boards, helping young, flailing newbies like me... From the bottom of my heart, thank you. It's one thing to be in the company of other scared, freshly sober folks who can share in the minute by minute - but quite another to get some words from someone on the other side (and thriving, from what i can gather).
you're appreciated, your wife's a lucky lady!
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,164
S&T, welcome. Please, please don't get me wrong, as I genuinely mean no offence. I get the feeling from your post,that you seem to be constantly,looking for people to look up to, to admire, and that others opinions of you are ultra important. If I am wrong I apologise. I just feel that perhaps you have the perfect opportunity here, of finding out what you want from life.
You come across as really fresh and enthusiastic which is great, but I also feel that you are almost afraid to have any down time unless people begin to like you less. Somewhere along the way, you have built up one part of your personality with the drugs, but ignored other parts. I believe that you can easily fill the void if you allow yourself to be the complete you.
As for the lad, perhaps he has his own demons and issues? Why does he chatter so much? Is it a sign he is on something? Or is it a sign that he doesn't want to stop and think, or feel? Perhaps some sober time with him will let you get a feeling for him without medication clouding the issue.
I wish you well, and hope you stick around here, you are a breath of fresh air!
You come across as really fresh and enthusiastic which is great, but I also feel that you are almost afraid to have any down time unless people begin to like you less. Somewhere along the way, you have built up one part of your personality with the drugs, but ignored other parts. I believe that you can easily fill the void if you allow yourself to be the complete you.
As for the lad, perhaps he has his own demons and issues? Why does he chatter so much? Is it a sign he is on something? Or is it a sign that he doesn't want to stop and think, or feel? Perhaps some sober time with him will let you get a feeling for him without medication clouding the issue.
I wish you well, and hope you stick around here, you are a breath of fresh air!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Welcome scaredandtrying,
It looks like you have an awesome career, which YOU accomplished..not those silly pills. Give credit where credit is due!
I was wondering the same thing as toots. Why is it so important how others view you? I understand that it's important for your professional life; but it seems like your professional life and personal life are very intertwined. That seems so exhausting to me. It looks like that is where sobriety will help you to discover who you really are...outside of your career. For some reason you feel you need to be "on stage" 24/7. That's an exhausting way to live, not fair to you. There are times that you are tired and grumpy....would rather stay home, snuggle-up with a good book and coffee or do something quietly at home. There is nothing wrong with that. That's being a normal human being. Partying all the time and being out in public gets stressfull and can be boring after awhile. I think you should appreciate all sides of your personality not just the outgoing bubbly side. Infact, the side you are trying to push down with pills is your deeper side....perhaps the side that's more introspective and reflective. Those are wonderful traits and make you who you are. If that side of you finds your significant other boring....then better you find that out now than after 20 years of marriage right?
Anyway, I think as Dee mentioned you might be overthinking (nothing wrong with that btw). It's just that in early sobriety it is good to take things slow.....step by step......one day at a time. I think some of the anwers to your questions will be reveilled to you as long as you remain pill free. But most importantly, be true to yourself. That is the only way you will be truly happy. I like what Dee said about healing the void instead of only filling it. That's a very good point!
It looks like you have an awesome career, which YOU accomplished..not those silly pills. Give credit where credit is due!
I was wondering the same thing as toots. Why is it so important how others view you? I understand that it's important for your professional life; but it seems like your professional life and personal life are very intertwined. That seems so exhausting to me. It looks like that is where sobriety will help you to discover who you really are...outside of your career. For some reason you feel you need to be "on stage" 24/7. That's an exhausting way to live, not fair to you. There are times that you are tired and grumpy....would rather stay home, snuggle-up with a good book and coffee or do something quietly at home. There is nothing wrong with that. That's being a normal human being. Partying all the time and being out in public gets stressfull and can be boring after awhile. I think you should appreciate all sides of your personality not just the outgoing bubbly side. Infact, the side you are trying to push down with pills is your deeper side....perhaps the side that's more introspective and reflective. Those are wonderful traits and make you who you are. If that side of you finds your significant other boring....then better you find that out now than after 20 years of marriage right?
Anyway, I think as Dee mentioned you might be overthinking (nothing wrong with that btw). It's just that in early sobriety it is good to take things slow.....step by step......one day at a time. I think some of the anwers to your questions will be reveilled to you as long as you remain pill free. But most importantly, be true to yourself. That is the only way you will be truly happy. I like what Dee said about healing the void instead of only filling it. That's a very good point!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 187
Welcome scaredandtrying! You'll definitely find a lot of support on these forums.
First and foremost, you're young. You write very eloquently, so I have no doubt that you are very intellectual. Thing is, at your age, your brain isn't even fully developed yet. I think the area of the brain that allows you to measure right from wrong doesn't fully develop until 25. Add drugs into the mix, and it's even longer. When we use, it's like our development is on hold. It's hard for me to come up with the proper wording right now, but when you use, your clouding your ability for your brain to properly develop. You really have no idea who you are without the substances. That should be first and foremost the thing that you should try to discover. Understanding Addiction: How Addiction Hijacks the Brain
Phys.Org Mobile: Brain is not fully mature until 30s and 40s
I think being honest with your boyfriend would be best. I would feel the situation out and just see when it feels right to let him in on it. Having his support could be extremely helpful. But bottom line, if he isn't there for you, or if you realize that you don't like him while under the influence, or if he doesn't like the new "clean" you, well then it's probably best to know that now. No relationship is " better" because of drugs or alcohol. If being impaired makes it seem that way, then it's likely the wrong relationship to be in.
I don't mean any of this to sound like I'm saying your young and don't know anything. As I said above, you're obviously a very intelligent woman with a good head on her shoulders. If there is a "void" that needs to be filled, you can spend some time discovering what that void is and some healthy alternatives for filling it. There are millions of people who live exciting, happy lives every day who don't use substances to help them achieve it. You can be one of those!! Maybe some counseling is in order to help you discover why you used in the first place, and where exactly this void stems from.
Addiction is a progressive disease, as you've already discovered. It WILL get worse the longer you use. There are thousands of people on this forum who can attest to that, and who wish that they'd been able to get clean and live a substance-free life when they were your age. Read around, learn from their mistakes, and don't make the same ones. I can guarantee you one thing, while your AV (addict voice) will tell you that you're so much better at _________(fill in the blank) with your drugs, you aren't. It's all a facade. Your addict voice will tell you anything to get you to use. Right now, your AV is SHOUTING at you to get you to keep using. Don't fall for it! You can get clean, and your life will be way more amazing than it could ever possibly be while on drugs. We're rooting for you! I hope you'll stick around!! Much love.
First and foremost, you're young. You write very eloquently, so I have no doubt that you are very intellectual. Thing is, at your age, your brain isn't even fully developed yet. I think the area of the brain that allows you to measure right from wrong doesn't fully develop until 25. Add drugs into the mix, and it's even longer. When we use, it's like our development is on hold. It's hard for me to come up with the proper wording right now, but when you use, your clouding your ability for your brain to properly develop. You really have no idea who you are without the substances. That should be first and foremost the thing that you should try to discover. Understanding Addiction: How Addiction Hijacks the Brain
Phys.Org Mobile: Brain is not fully mature until 30s and 40s
I think being honest with your boyfriend would be best. I would feel the situation out and just see when it feels right to let him in on it. Having his support could be extremely helpful. But bottom line, if he isn't there for you, or if you realize that you don't like him while under the influence, or if he doesn't like the new "clean" you, well then it's probably best to know that now. No relationship is " better" because of drugs or alcohol. If being impaired makes it seem that way, then it's likely the wrong relationship to be in.
I don't mean any of this to sound like I'm saying your young and don't know anything. As I said above, you're obviously a very intelligent woman with a good head on her shoulders. If there is a "void" that needs to be filled, you can spend some time discovering what that void is and some healthy alternatives for filling it. There are millions of people who live exciting, happy lives every day who don't use substances to help them achieve it. You can be one of those!! Maybe some counseling is in order to help you discover why you used in the first place, and where exactly this void stems from.
Addiction is a progressive disease, as you've already discovered. It WILL get worse the longer you use. There are thousands of people on this forum who can attest to that, and who wish that they'd been able to get clean and live a substance-free life when they were your age. Read around, learn from their mistakes, and don't make the same ones. I can guarantee you one thing, while your AV (addict voice) will tell you that you're so much better at _________(fill in the blank) with your drugs, you aren't. It's all a facade. Your addict voice will tell you anything to get you to use. Right now, your AV is SHOUTING at you to get you to keep using. Don't fall for it! You can get clean, and your life will be way more amazing than it could ever possibly be while on drugs. We're rooting for you! I hope you'll stick around!! Much love.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2
You always have to look out for your best interests first.
If anyone doesn't like you any more after you have changed yourself for the better benefit of yourself - to not have this habit any more and be the real you that you are meant to be without any artificial super powers- then that person maybe isn't the best to have in your life.
Although if they do love you, I don't see any reason why or how they could change their mind just because you aren't using any more.
The way you "act" when on something and the way your heart and soul truly is , are two different things and to me at least, when in love with someone, you love their actual soul and heart which is what really makes them "them" , not the way they act.
If anyone doesn't like you any more after you have changed yourself for the better benefit of yourself - to not have this habit any more and be the real you that you are meant to be without any artificial super powers- then that person maybe isn't the best to have in your life.
Although if they do love you, I don't see any reason why or how they could change their mind just because you aren't using any more.
The way you "act" when on something and the way your heart and soul truly is , are two different things and to me at least, when in love with someone, you love their actual soul and heart which is what really makes them "them" , not the way they act.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Ontario, Ohio
Posts: 29
When I met my current boyfriend, I was in recovery. I'd been sober for many months. He had NO idea about my past. And I didnt think I needed to tell him. Then one day he texted me and said he had a couple of 'pink tens' (oxycodone 10mg) and asked if I wanted one. I scoffed because I knew that when I was using a pink ten wouldnt get my left big toe off. I also scoffed to myself because I figured I could handle 'just one time'.
That pink ten turned into a relapse for both of us (he was also in recovery which I didn't know at the time) and we were deep in a $800/day habit. I wish I had told him from the beginning.
Luckily, five months later we're now in recovery TOGETHER. I'm terrified. What if us getting sober and working the steps of our NA program leads us to realize that we're not good together?
It's just something we're going to all have to take one day at a time. There's no point in stressing what could be, because if you do, you're going to miss a LOT between now and the point of making a decision.
Just my input, lol.
That pink ten turned into a relapse for both of us (he was also in recovery which I didn't know at the time) and we were deep in a $800/day habit. I wish I had told him from the beginning.
Luckily, five months later we're now in recovery TOGETHER. I'm terrified. What if us getting sober and working the steps of our NA program leads us to realize that we're not good together?
It's just something we're going to all have to take one day at a time. There's no point in stressing what could be, because if you do, you're going to miss a LOT between now and the point of making a decision.
Just my input, lol.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 6
you guys have no idea how amazing you all are...
So incredibly ON POINT and perceptive.
I want to write more, and address some of you individually about specific things you've said but unfortunately... today has been a nightmare.
I had read that anxiety is a big part of the withdrawal scenario, and for sometime after - but I assumed that meant cravings, and doubt, lethargy, etc... Things pertaining directly to wanting to USE.
But this, today... this is something so different. My brain is just not working. I'm anxious in the most obscure, general, crippling, foreign, overall way. It doesn't make me want to take a vicodin... it doesn't make me want to lay down and cry, my hearts not pounding... it is just an indescribable inner-confusion nightmare.
I have a deadline tonight for an important project with an entire company depending on me. But the words on the page are jumbled and don't make sense to me. My normal instinct and intuition is muted right now and i'm just staring at the computer, utterly confused.
I've read things like the Thomas Method saying to use a benzo such as xanax to battle the first few days of withdrawal anxiety - but then there are just as many sources saying that even extremely short term use can cause the most hellish, dangerous withdrawals - not to mention multiplied anxiety (THANKS BUT NO THANKS)
I have some (never liked the stuff at all) but because of what i wrote in the paragraph above, i held off on taking any.
But an hour ago, my brain was just so unrecognizable and the emails were piling up - so i took a tiny 8th of the bar. 0.25mg? It took the edge off slightly but by no means to the extent that I'm going to need if I'm planning on finishing this project and not going into full psychosis.. But I'm terrified of taking another 8th, for fear that it will make tomorrow even WORSE.
Any experience with this? or advice?
You guys... I'm feeling a bit like the old grandma in the movies who winds up on a park bench and cant remember who she is, where she is, or how to get back to her damn house.
So incredibly ON POINT and perceptive.
I want to write more, and address some of you individually about specific things you've said but unfortunately... today has been a nightmare.
I had read that anxiety is a big part of the withdrawal scenario, and for sometime after - but I assumed that meant cravings, and doubt, lethargy, etc... Things pertaining directly to wanting to USE.
But this, today... this is something so different. My brain is just not working. I'm anxious in the most obscure, general, crippling, foreign, overall way. It doesn't make me want to take a vicodin... it doesn't make me want to lay down and cry, my hearts not pounding... it is just an indescribable inner-confusion nightmare.
I have a deadline tonight for an important project with an entire company depending on me. But the words on the page are jumbled and don't make sense to me. My normal instinct and intuition is muted right now and i'm just staring at the computer, utterly confused.
I've read things like the Thomas Method saying to use a benzo such as xanax to battle the first few days of withdrawal anxiety - but then there are just as many sources saying that even extremely short term use can cause the most hellish, dangerous withdrawals - not to mention multiplied anxiety (THANKS BUT NO THANKS)
I have some (never liked the stuff at all) but because of what i wrote in the paragraph above, i held off on taking any.
But an hour ago, my brain was just so unrecognizable and the emails were piling up - so i took a tiny 8th of the bar. 0.25mg? It took the edge off slightly but by no means to the extent that I'm going to need if I'm planning on finishing this project and not going into full psychosis.. But I'm terrified of taking another 8th, for fear that it will make tomorrow even WORSE.
Any experience with this? or advice?
You guys... I'm feeling a bit like the old grandma in the movies who winds up on a park bench and cant remember who she is, where she is, or how to get back to her damn house.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Missouri
Posts: 133
Scared, I'm so glad you're here and making your way into recovery. Please nip this in the bud now. You don't want to travel this path. Pills are no joke. You're on the edge now but it can quickly spiral out of control until you lose everything. It's just not worth it - and there is a huge danger in switching one vice for the next. I don't know, I mean I'm a recovering alcoholic and former stoner...but your posts scare me. I don't want this for you, sweetie.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I have no experience with benzoes but plenty of experience with cross addiction - using one drug to get off another.
I was never good with self discipline or portion control. Like kc, I'm a little worried for you - you've done well today but that's a heck of a slippery slope there....
If things are bad, maybe it's time to seek some professional help? Seeing your Dr could be a good start?
D
I was never good with self discipline or portion control. Like kc, I'm a little worried for you - you've done well today but that's a heck of a slippery slope there....
If things are bad, maybe it's time to seek some professional help? Seeing your Dr could be a good start?
D
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