Confused wife
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Confused wife
Hi everyone I am new here and post in the family section but I would really appreciate some insight into what my husband may think or feel! We have been together for 8 years and married for 4 with a 1 year old little boy. My husband has been in active addiction our whole relationship. At first he went to treatment because he wanted to change and now progressively things are getting worse. I ask him where he goes when he leaves for days on end and he says he sits in his truck could this be true? I have also asked him if he cheats on me when he is out because I have found him with prostitutes in his truck but he says they are only getting him drugs am I gullible to believe him? I love him with all my heart and want him to be happy and sober I don't want to give up on him but don't know how to help him. Can anyone give me some insight please or advice
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Houston Texas
Posts: 676
Sounds like you have a real mess on your hands. What was/is his drug of choice?
If it is opiates I can tell you that if he is active, then those drugs and how to get them and when to use them and scheming for alone time to enjoy the buzz is occupying most of his mind. His wife and his kid and his job are a distant second. I am battling active addiction right now. All of the above applies to me unfortunately. However I go to work everyday and come home everyday and do work around the house (cook, laundry, take care of our daughter). But a lot of my brain power is spent on how to get oxycodone and when I might have an hour to enjoy it uninterrupted.
I can not advise you on what to do. But "sitting in his truck" for days on end is completely and utterly unacceptable. Even a few hours would be a big sign of use.
I wish I could be of more assistance. Best I can do is give you a glimpse of how an active addict thinks. The cold hard truth is you made a very tough choice by getting involved with an active addict. But you are. You need to be prepared to leave this man. 95/100 addicts will NOT change until they have suffered serious loss which would be jail, bankruptcy, overdose, loss of family. A wife who stands by and cries hoping seeing the pain he is causing her will not phase him. A kid saying daddy please play with me will not phase him.
Please understand I am not trying to be cold. I am just trying to paint the most accurate (on average) picture you most likely face.
Mk
If it is opiates I can tell you that if he is active, then those drugs and how to get them and when to use them and scheming for alone time to enjoy the buzz is occupying most of his mind. His wife and his kid and his job are a distant second. I am battling active addiction right now. All of the above applies to me unfortunately. However I go to work everyday and come home everyday and do work around the house (cook, laundry, take care of our daughter). But a lot of my brain power is spent on how to get oxycodone and when I might have an hour to enjoy it uninterrupted.
I can not advise you on what to do. But "sitting in his truck" for days on end is completely and utterly unacceptable. Even a few hours would be a big sign of use.
I wish I could be of more assistance. Best I can do is give you a glimpse of how an active addict thinks. The cold hard truth is you made a very tough choice by getting involved with an active addict. But you are. You need to be prepared to leave this man. 95/100 addicts will NOT change until they have suffered serious loss which would be jail, bankruptcy, overdose, loss of family. A wife who stands by and cries hoping seeing the pain he is causing her will not phase him. A kid saying daddy please play with me will not phase him.
Please understand I am not trying to be cold. I am just trying to paint the most accurate (on average) picture you most likely face.
Mk
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Thank mkintexas for your honesty I appreciate it!! His doc is crack. I did make a hard decision to stick by his side because he wanted to change at one point but I do not know if he is too lost in the drugs and alcohol or if he likes it?! He is a functioning addict he still does things around the house sometimes. He turns everything around to make it my fault and I end up feeling bad 
I don't know sometimes if he actually hates me or if it is just when he is wanting or has used!
I don't know sometimes if he actually hates me or if it is just when he is wanting or has used!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
That's really a tough situation to be in.....I feel for you.
The only advice I can give you is read about addiction. One thing you will come to learn is that: you didn't cause his addiction....you can't control his addiction.....and you can't cure his addiction. He has to do that. First, he has to want to get clean. Until then you are going to be caught up in the cycle of his addiction.......unless you decide to get off the ride.
The way you can get off that ride is by doing things to help YOU. Find an addiction therapist who specializes in treating family members of addicts/alcoholics.......find some meetings such as ala anon or nar anon.......read the info in the stickies at the top of the f $ f section of this forum.......read and post here often. Wether you choose to stay or leave your addict........your life can get better.....it doesn't have to depend your ah and if he is clean or not.
One more peace of advice is to remember addicts are experts at gas-lighting. Addicts will lie...lie...and lie some more! They will try to convince you that a RED shirt is WHITE .....you know for a fact it's RED but after a while you start doubting yourself and believe its white. Trust your gut! If you see a RED shirt....then it's a RED shirt! Don't let him make you crazy.....make you believe it's WHITE!
If you saw him in a car with prostitutes.......that was the action
...trust your gut.......he wants to convince you it wasn't what you saw and that it was actually him scoring......those were his words!
Remember....very important...."actions speak louder than words."
You came to the best place. You are not alone!
The only advice I can give you is read about addiction. One thing you will come to learn is that: you didn't cause his addiction....you can't control his addiction.....and you can't cure his addiction. He has to do that. First, he has to want to get clean. Until then you are going to be caught up in the cycle of his addiction.......unless you decide to get off the ride.
The way you can get off that ride is by doing things to help YOU. Find an addiction therapist who specializes in treating family members of addicts/alcoholics.......find some meetings such as ala anon or nar anon.......read the info in the stickies at the top of the f $ f section of this forum.......read and post here often. Wether you choose to stay or leave your addict........your life can get better.....it doesn't have to depend your ah and if he is clean or not.
One more peace of advice is to remember addicts are experts at gas-lighting. Addicts will lie...lie...and lie some more! They will try to convince you that a RED shirt is WHITE .....you know for a fact it's RED but after a while you start doubting yourself and believe its white. Trust your gut! If you see a RED shirt....then it's a RED shirt! Don't let him make you crazy.....make you believe it's WHITE!
If you saw him in a car with prostitutes.......that was the action
...trust your gut.......he wants to convince you it wasn't what you saw and that it was actually him scoring......those were his words!
Remember....very important...."actions speak louder than words."
You came to the best place. You are not alone!
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 13
Thank you so much cleaninLI! It is such a hard decision to make when you took vows for better or for worse. I know I can't save him as much as I wish I could for all of our sakes. He lies to me constantly even about the smallest things and then gets mad when I question him. He has a great way of making me feel crazy like it is my fault for everything that happens, or he will pick fights with me so he has a reason in his mind to leave my gut questions a lot and it's so hard because I am loyal and hate to think that he is not I'm glad I found this site!!
my gut questions a lot and it's so hard because I am loyal and hate to think that he is not I'm glad I found this site!!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Yes, I do understand...trust me...I'm an addict! Lol that sounds crazy right! Actually, what I meant to say is that I'm an addict in recovery. I did the same thing to my husband....I blamed him for my addiction. I said things like "If you were a better husband......better lover.....better provider......not so grumpy.......not tired all the time......helped me around the house more....... I wouldn't have to take all these pills...". Why did I do that? The answer is because I wanted to protect my addiction....I wanted him to get off my back and let me take my pills. Did it work? Yes.....for a while it did.
But...he got smarter....he stopped believing all the crap I told him. First thing he did was close all our joint bank accounts. No money...no pills. So I worked and used whatever money I made to fund my addiction. The next thing he did was take away my car keys. Couldn't drive anymore. Started taking the bus...kept using. Next thing he did was shut off my phone. (You'd be surprised how few pay phones are around these days) I still kept using. Then, he made a phone call to my parents....let them know what there darling daughter was up too. I still kept using. Finally, one day I came home from wherever.....he was packed and had my three kids ready to leave the house. Told me that was it.....he was leaving....with my precious children. I begged him not to leave. He said he couldn't deal with my addiction anymore and that I wasn't the woman he'd been married to for 25 years. I told him I needed help to quit...he said I will support your recovery....but not your addiction. He said the only way he was staying was if he drove me at that moment to a rehab/iop program. I agreed. So it's been almost 1 year clean.
That is my story....but that doesn't mean it will be your husband's story. Everyone is different....every situation is different....my bottom was losing my family and kids. It's hard to say what your husband's bottom would be... You know what I mean?
But...he got smarter....he stopped believing all the crap I told him. First thing he did was close all our joint bank accounts. No money...no pills. So I worked and used whatever money I made to fund my addiction. The next thing he did was take away my car keys. Couldn't drive anymore. Started taking the bus...kept using. Next thing he did was shut off my phone. (You'd be surprised how few pay phones are around these days) I still kept using. Then, he made a phone call to my parents....let them know what there darling daughter was up too. I still kept using. Finally, one day I came home from wherever.....he was packed and had my three kids ready to leave the house. Told me that was it.....he was leaving....with my precious children. I begged him not to leave. He said he couldn't deal with my addiction anymore and that I wasn't the woman he'd been married to for 25 years. I told him I needed help to quit...he said I will support your recovery....but not your addiction. He said the only way he was staying was if he drove me at that moment to a rehab/iop program. I agreed. So it's been almost 1 year clean.
That is my story....but that doesn't mean it will be your husband's story. Everyone is different....every situation is different....my bottom was losing my family and kids. It's hard to say what your husband's bottom would be... You know what I mean?
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Wow thank you for sharing your story with me!! I am so happy for you!! Good for both of you! You are both very strong in both of your parts! I hope that one day I can post a recovery story for him! I have taken the money, the keys, the phone but if he wanted it like you said he still got it. I just don't want to see him end up in jail, or killing himself. I sleep with both phones beside me in case I get the dreaded call something has happened to him.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 852
Messy Situation for sure.
They could be helping him get drugs, but to be honest if he's gone for days at a time and you've seen prostitutes in his truck chances are he's not just using them for drugs, but I could be wrong. You should get him the help he needs to get sober and then try to figure out your relationship.
They could be helping him get drugs, but to be honest if he's gone for days at a time and you've seen prostitutes in his truck chances are he's not just using them for drugs, but I could be wrong. You should get him the help he needs to get sober and then try to figure out your relationship.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
I was pretty sure it was crack when you mentioned him being gone for days on end. That is VERY typical of a crack addict. I had friends who would literally stay up for a week straight to the point of hallucenating before they would finally crash. They would recover for a few days or weeks then repeat. It can be a bit different than the life of an opiate/heroin addict, but just as dangerous if not worse.
The sitting in his truck thing could be true. I mean he has to use his drugs somewhere and maybe doesn't want to waste his money on a seedy motel room and spend it all on drugs, but with the paranoia that comes with crack use he would be going out of his mind watching for cops and whatnot. If he has been using for that long I would think he has to have a true connection by now and wouldn't need hookers to be making runs for him, but either way are you comfortable with what he is doing and the company he is keeping?
You said it yourself he has been in active addiction for your entire relationship and who knows for how long before that. You don't just drop an 8 year + crack addiction and be happy and sober. Even if he does manage to quit the recovery is going to take time. I am not saying it couldn't happen, but doesn't sound like he is close to changing and why should he if you keep letting him off the hook.
I would suggest trying to find some support for yourself. Maybe an Alanon or Narcanon meeting or even just a therapist. You should at least prepare yourself for having to move on without him. Then if he doesn't change at least you will be able to move on. Your little boy should be your main concern. Your husband might act like a child, but he is old enough to fend for himself. Your son is not and needs you and deserves better.
The sitting in his truck thing could be true. I mean he has to use his drugs somewhere and maybe doesn't want to waste his money on a seedy motel room and spend it all on drugs, but with the paranoia that comes with crack use he would be going out of his mind watching for cops and whatnot. If he has been using for that long I would think he has to have a true connection by now and wouldn't need hookers to be making runs for him, but either way are you comfortable with what he is doing and the company he is keeping?
You said it yourself he has been in active addiction for your entire relationship and who knows for how long before that. You don't just drop an 8 year + crack addiction and be happy and sober. Even if he does manage to quit the recovery is going to take time. I am not saying it couldn't happen, but doesn't sound like he is close to changing and why should he if you keep letting him off the hook.
I would suggest trying to find some support for yourself. Maybe an Alanon or Narcanon meeting or even just a therapist. You should at least prepare yourself for having to move on without him. Then if he doesn't change at least you will be able to move on. Your little boy should be your main concern. Your husband might act like a child, but he is old enough to fend for himself. Your son is not and needs you and deserves better.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
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I am coming up on 2 years recovered but for the 3rd time with one sobriety period of 10 years so no pats on the back for me. It is a life long battle. It never ends. It takes great strength and conviction and it doesn't sound like something your man has right now. Again, I personally have had the strength and conviction 3 times now. Without constant vigilance it is very easy to fail.
To add another caveat - the success rate for recovery of addicts is very poor at less than 10 percent.
I am in full agreement with Marcus that preparation for moving on without him would be very prudent. You need to protect yourself and your child. He will have to take care of himself.
To add to the confusion I have to add that I am recovered really through the support of my loving wife but if I had not decided to quit then her help would have been worthless. She was there for me always but it did no good until I decided to quit. It just happens through some type of bottom or apocalypse or enlightenment or whatever. It just happens. Before that my wife was an impediment to my only goal - to get high. Once I woke up it meant everything that she was standing there with me.
To add another caveat - the success rate for recovery of addicts is very poor at less than 10 percent.
I am in full agreement with Marcus that preparation for moving on without him would be very prudent. You need to protect yourself and your child. He will have to take care of himself.
To add to the confusion I have to add that I am recovered really through the support of my loving wife but if I had not decided to quit then her help would have been worthless. She was there for me always but it did no good until I decided to quit. It just happens through some type of bottom or apocalypse or enlightenment or whatever. It just happens. Before that my wife was an impediment to my only goal - to get high. Once I woke up it meant everything that she was standing there with me.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
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If he's an active addict with hookers in his truck, please make him give you a clean bill of health from the clinic before you touch him again, hide all you jewelry and valuable possessions, and never let him use your vehicle. Rootin for ya. 
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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he's been to treatment so he knows EXACTLY what to do if and when HE decides he's had enough. as it stands, the fact that he has responsibilities to his wife and child mean NOTHING....it would do you well to assume the very WORST in this situation...and take every precaution to protect yourself and your child. he's off doing vile horrible things and then rolls on home to sleep it off, rest up, clean up and get ready to go again.
leaving for days on end for ANY reason other than traveling for work is unacceptable. going off smoking crack is unacceptable. consorting with hookers for ANY reason is unacceptable. making it out to be all YOUR fault is unacceptable.
it WILL get worse. his hostility and paranoia will increase, his temper and volatility more dangerous. any valuables are up for grabs. any money he can get his hands on. thru another recovery board I knew a crack addict couple that would buy their kids stuff for Christmas and then turn around a week later, pawn their xbox or whatever, and go get high. nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred.
take care of you and the baby FIRST. your baby has no choice in any of this. while we may not say them aloud, as parents we make vows to our children too.
leaving for days on end for ANY reason other than traveling for work is unacceptable. going off smoking crack is unacceptable. consorting with hookers for ANY reason is unacceptable. making it out to be all YOUR fault is unacceptable.
it WILL get worse. his hostility and paranoia will increase, his temper and volatility more dangerous. any valuables are up for grabs. any money he can get his hands on. thru another recovery board I knew a crack addict couple that would buy their kids stuff for Christmas and then turn around a week later, pawn their xbox or whatever, and go get high. nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred.
take care of you and the baby FIRST. your baby has no choice in any of this. while we may not say them aloud, as parents we make vows to our children too.
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Thank you all so much wow this gives me a lot to think about! I am not sure if he has hook ups now the prostitute in the truck was a while ago. I gave up on going to find him when he leaves! Do drugs and alcohol usually go hand in hand? For almost the last month he has been not using from what I can tell and usually I know the signs when he is going, but instead of doing that he is tiring to alcohol and I don't mean a little like ecsessive amounts. Has anyone ever tried to stop one addiction by picking up another? I know the crack addiction is still there especially since alcohol is one of his biggest triggers. It's so hard to know what to do I do protect my son but soon enough he will be old enough to understand and I don't want that but I grew up without my dad and I don't want the same for him! Am I crazy for staying so long?
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Location: Houston Texas
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subbing one addiction for another. Of course. VERY common. Sometimes people will sub a "healthy" addiction, such as exercise or religion. Simply meaning the recovering addict will become obsessive with exercise or church or whatever. But on the darker side. Yes it is very common for people to quit say Oxycodone and turn to Xanax etc. Addicts need to address the underlying cause if they hope to deal with their addiction. For me there is a happiness issue in my life (marriage and family) that hurts a lot that keeps me turning to pills to numb myself out. Sure I can induce on suboxone and stop. But until I fix my marriage and other emotional issues I will have a propensity for using. I am just now coming to the realization that I am powerless to my addiction. Recovery is a process, but that process can not start and you as his wife can not help one iota until your husband:
1. admits he is an addict. REALLY admits it to himself.
2. Realizes he can not control it
3. Wants 100% to quit. No occasional use, not once every year is ok.
4. Will do what it takes to recover. That includes breaking connections with anyone and anything that leads to use. Friends, Job, whatever.
If he does all four of those things. Then MAYBE you can help. If he is NOT willing to do that. You better start thinking about putting a clock on it. Communicate to him that he has to choose to do all of those things and begin recovery or you and your child will move on without him. But, be prepared to do it. Don't bluff on this. If he thinks for one second that you won't actually do it then you don't stand a chance.
1. admits he is an addict. REALLY admits it to himself.
2. Realizes he can not control it
3. Wants 100% to quit. No occasional use, not once every year is ok.
4. Will do what it takes to recover. That includes breaking connections with anyone and anything that leads to use. Friends, Job, whatever.
If he does all four of those things. Then MAYBE you can help. If he is NOT willing to do that. You better start thinking about putting a clock on it. Communicate to him that he has to choose to do all of those things and begin recovery or you and your child will move on without him. But, be prepared to do it. Don't bluff on this. If he thinks for one second that you won't actually do it then you don't stand a chance.
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