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The mask I wore was meth

Old 01-09-2014, 09:37 AM
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The mask I wore was meth

When I would walk around the streets I began to think that everyone was getting high. I began to feel like getting high and being high – was normal. It wasn't until I had been clean for almost 60 days that reality began to sink in. I wasn't normal. The people whose lives weren’t consumed by sex and drugs were actually the normal ones. I was the freak. I was the scary one that people would see on the street; eyes glazed, worn, haggard, and thin. When I first started using it was just to get high and have intense sex for hours and hours. Slowly though I began to slide into a surrealistic world; a world lacking morals or even a conscience. My life became a cycle of getting high, having sex then recover from getting high and having sex - then repeat. I was lost and floundering in a vast sea. Only occasionally would the swells of life lift my head high enough so I could see the horizon of reality. My delusional life would then pull at my feet making my head go under the water where I would hold my breath and look around at a world I didn't belong in.
I used to be a happy, calm, caring and supportive man. But as my addiction to meth took hold the person that I was began to peel away like a bad onion. I became short with everyone, and impatient with everything. Anger grabbed a hold of me like a tiger whose claws ripped my flesh. Blood containing the anger, despair and sorrow of my life pooled around me. I laid in my own wet, red self-pity. It was like I was looking at a bad movie but I couldn’t leave the theater. I was trapped by my own distorted sense of reality. It was like eating hot peppers; as long as I kept eating it was bearable – it was only when I stopped that the burning became unbearable. I had to keep eating to keep the burning pain away.
My slide into meth addiction started with the death of my soul mate Rolando. It could have just as easily been divorce, the death of a parent, being thrown out of my house because I was gay or any other significant emotional event that left me lost or floundering. Rolando’s death filled me with so much sorrow and despair that I could barely breathe. My heart which was so full of love and happiness stopped beating becoming dark and heavy. The first guy I had sex with when I was able to pull myself out of bed brought a bowl of meth. Being high made it easier to cover my despair. The mask I wore was meth. Behind the mask was the ugly face of the elephant man. For a while, it was enough for the physical pleasure, to dilute my pain. As time went on though, I began to seek the intimacy I missed and craved. The problem was I was looking for a rose in crabgrass. I was searching for the shining city on the hill in a deserted wasteland. And I was crippled with my now, own delusional life. I wanted what I couldn't give and giving what nobody wanted. It would take me four more years before I realized that I could never again have what I had lost if meth still had its talons in me.
I used to say that I was a moral tweaker. Even in the throes of my addiction I held on as tight as I could to my morals. The solidity of my words were important to me until the very end. In fact, more so than anything, the slow eroding of my principals and humanity drove me to defeat my addiction. The high standards I had set for myself as a human being began to wash away with every bowl. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror anymore and say I was a good person. I was scarred, gaunt with loss and my words which I had held so high began to evaporate with every bowl drifting away with the smoke of meth.
I'm on my way to recovery now. It hasn't been easy and I still have a long way to go to climb out of the abyss I had built for myself. Each day though I get a little better and with every day that passes, a little stronger. I used to laugh at but now I understand the terms; “a day at a time” and, “you have to do whatever it takes.” At least now I can look in the mirror and see a glimpse of the person I use to be and that - makes me smile!
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Old 01-11-2014, 01:07 PM
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Thank you for your honesty. My AH is addicted to meth. He is a wonderful man with a heart of gold, but meth robs him of his soul and turns into someone I don't even know. We are no longer together and when he calls I refuse to speak to him because he seems to still be under the influence, which makes it difficult to have a rational conversation. Too much blame and self pity on his part, not enough accountability.

I'm so happy that you are working your recovery and that things seem to going in the right direction for you. I know it's not easy, just remember that you're not alone. It gives me hope that one day, my AH, will one day choose sobriety too. Take care and keep posting. You'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 01-11-2014, 01:29 PM
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Really awesome post , hope u stick around. You have a real talent for writing. God has a plan for your life.
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Old 01-11-2014, 02:42 PM
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Thanks to both of you for the kind and supportive words and to those who found it helpful. I like to think that after 14 months of being on this journey, 8 months completely clean, that I am so strong. But, that's just the face I put on. It seems like I am constantly being tested, not with meth anymore but with life. Each time I have to face some disappointment, struggle or difficult decision - I realize how weak I still am. So the words of support and motivation are truly helpful to me. Thank you!
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Old 01-11-2014, 03:11 PM
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Wow, PN! I'm so proud of you. I know it isn't easy. I mean our stories and chemicals are different, but I know how challenging it can be to face life without a filter or mask. It gets easier the longer you stay on this pure path, I promise. And there are going to be times when life throws you for a loop and your thoughts may turn to using, and that feels really bad. But you've come too far to go back to those destructive, empty days. So just keep moving forward. You deserve this happy life your cultivating. You are more than worthy. xoxoxo
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Old 01-11-2014, 03:47 PM
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Believe me, you are NOT weak. You're just living your life, a life that sometimes comes with joy and happiness, other times with sorrow and pain. I think the key is to try to find healthy ways of coping with our troubles, not just running or hiding from them. Someone once told me that their worst day sober was a million times better than their best day high. You've been clean for 8 months, that is a testament to your strength and commitment. Just take it day by day, minute by minute if you have to.
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Old 01-11-2014, 03:52 PM
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Thanks for the post.
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Old 01-29-2014, 02:32 PM
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I agree with sara I think she is right a life that sometime comes with joy and happiness and other time sorrow and pain I think the key is to attempt to discover sound methods for adapting to our inconveniences, not simply running or escaping them. Somebody once let me know that their most exceedingly awful day calm was a million times superior to their best day high.
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Old 02-03-2014, 07:01 PM
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Wow! Our stories are so similar and reading your post was like reading my life!! I started dabbling with meth to get the house clean. I was a single mother and worked full time and just had no energy to deep clean!! After my boy's dad died (he OD'd), I went in head first into the meth world (yay me, kids dad OD's, so go do meth!!). And although I didn't put in but about 1 yr into the daily addiction, it ate me and ate me FAST!!! I just didn't want to deal with the pain. Mostly the pain for my kids, and second the pain I felt for me. I wanted and chose to be numb, but before I knew it, meth had it's talons in me! It too was when I finally looked in the mirror and LITERALLY didn't recognize myself (and at this point, my parents intervened with child protective services and removed my children) and said enough!!!! I was being evicted from my house that I lived in for several years, my kids were taken, I had no job and no money. My car had been wrecked by a friend and was totaled. Who the hell was I?!? I will never, EVER, EVER forget breaking and stepping on my pipe and dumping the rest of my stash in the middle of the street, as my things were loaded to move. And I drove away and NEVER looked back. I got rid of all contacts and "friends", deleted all phone numbers and never "swung by" to hang out. I am now 8 years sober, just this December, and it still feels like yesterday that I was consumed with meth. I still get a craving every now and then, but I remember the life I lived (and the come down) and refuse to go back!! You can totally do this!! Stay strong and remind yourself, DAILY, why you're choosing/chose to walk away!!! Your mate wouldn't have wanted that life for you anyway!!!! Stay strong!!!
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Old 02-04-2014, 07:49 AM
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Dear Insaneshame, When I read your response tears came to my eyes because although I have had some supportive responses yours was the first from someone who seems to have walked in my shoes. My car also was totaled because I gave it to a "friend" to go get us more meth. I too remember, vividly, wrapping my pipe in newspaper, taking a rock and repeatedly smashing it in a symbolic jester of pulverizing my addiction. That was 8 months ago. I understand that addiction is addiction but sometimes I feel like recovering meth addicts are looked down on by other addicts. That's probably just the remnants of my paranoia but honestly, that's how I feel sometimes. I think it's hard for people to understand how losing the love of your life can put an arrow through your heart and how it changes you forever. Thank you so much for touching me and letting me know that their are others who have walked my path and have made it to the other side. Take care always!
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Old 02-04-2014, 09:24 AM
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Reading your response made my heart smile! I'm so sorry that you had to deal with the loss of your love. I really, TRULY understand!! Although my kids dad and I had already been split for several years before he passed, he was still my first love, the first one I lived with, the first one I drank with, the first one I had kids with and so on and so on!!! That was the HARDEST thing I've ever had to deal with, hence the use of meth to be numb to it all!! I agree that it does feel like recovered addicts are looked down upon, by all, and it's probably not true, but that doesn't make the feeling go away! All I can say on that is F those people and focus on you. It was YOUR addiction and now it's YOUR recovery, for YOUR life!!! Keep moving forward and striving towards staying sober. Before you know it, you will have had years of clean time!!!! I'm here if you ever need someone to lean on, who's been where you've been!!! Stay strong my friend!!!
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Old 02-15-2014, 07:52 PM
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Sorry to intrude, but Insane, did you get your kids back?

Congrats to you both on your continued sobriety.
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Old 02-17-2014, 06:35 AM
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Yes, I got my kids back. It only took me approximately 6 weeks to pull my head out of my rear to get sober! They were gone 6 months total, and I would have had them home sooner, but they were in school and they had so much change that year, I didn't want to add anymore stress to them, so I let them stay with my parents until school was out for the summer!
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Old 04-11-2014, 04:26 PM
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Just want to say that glimpse u see in the mirror is the 3d version of yourself. Wbecamhat I mean is when my bf became sobor after we saw eachother for the first time and now clean, it was the first time I eversaw him clean and he was 3d a whole person and it was then I realized I never saw him that way before, it waas as if he was one dimensional! Goodluck and stay mindful and present in the moment. That's what he practiced a lot.....enlightenment. look up enlightenment and addicition....there are helpful sites!
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Old 04-11-2014, 05:46 PM
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wow, hope to see more of you on the board. Meth is a MOFO to kick, I have lost one to many friends to that poison. I know it's hard but you have allot of support around if you really want it, just keep posting/writing you have a real way with words.
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Old 06-15-2014, 05:39 AM
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It gives me much hope reading your post , thatnks so much, my partner is a binge user and i was feeling like there is no way to get off this horrid drug, but i'm realizing that you can.
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