Btr13

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. When we first started dating, he had a problem with percocet and I had no idea. He kept it from me for a very long time, until he started having me drive him to his dealers for himself and other people. I asked him about it and he admitted to using percocet, and in fact had spent his whole refund tax check on them. I began pressuring him to quit, and he did, cold turkey. He went through withdrawals for a couple weeks and then seemed fine. I asked him if he had cravings and of course he did, but he didn't buy any. Here and there over the course of the next 3 months, I asked how he was doing without them, and he always told me fine even though it was hard to stay away and to not talk about it much because it would make him want to use. So as far as I knew, he was doing good. Sidenote, his friends and his two best friends who we always hang out also do percocet and he buys them for them from his dealer and gives them to him. I asked if this made him want to use and he said it didn't really affect him, so again, it seemed like he was not dependent on percs anymore.
Now the other day, I know this is wrong,but I looked through his messages and saw the texts between his best friend. His friend wanted a perc and my boyfriend asked if he would split it and he would give him the money. He even had me drive them to the ATM for money making me think it was just for his friend. SO he snorted the 15 and kept it from me and relapsed. I asked my boyfriend if he had used percocet recently and he told me yes. I was very disappointed. As I tried talking to him about it he was yelling at me to shut up and leave him alone. His best friend acted as if he didn't do anything wrong, but was telling me it was wrong of my boyfriend to be treating me like this over something he knew that would hurt me. I left and picked my boyfriend up later, still upset, and told him I was sorry for freaking out, but percs are no good for him and that I want him to be better, and we can't build a life together if he is going to be hooked on percs again, and how disappointed I was in him. He got angry again and told me that it's his life not mine, he will do them if he wants, and I am not his mother. And if I didn't like him doing percs, then I could leave and not be with him. This left me heartbroken and I asked if he was choosing percs over me and he said no, although that's what it seems, and he said he loved me but if I do not want him doing percs then either I could leave him or deal with it.
Help! What do I do? I don't want him using percs again. I want a life with him and I want him to be sober again. Would he really let me leave and not be with me over percocet, even after all we've been through and how much he says he loves me? I don't know what to do!!

Timebuster

Btr13, welcome to the boards.

If your looking for honest experience, strength and hope. This is the place to go. You can copy and paste your post there.

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Good luck
TB

Stilltrecking

Oh boy finally i topic i can give good advice on. Well you won't like to hear it, but from a male ex-perc user i can tell you about active addiction and relationships from a pretty educated stand point. First thing is first, I need to warn you that you are fighting A LOSING BATTLE. From any perspective, rule #1 is you will have no effect on someone's addiction if they are still intent on using. I hate to do this to your boyfriend who could be an amazing person, but i would suggest leaving him. In active addiction we are not the people you fell in love with. We are consumed by one thing only, and that is our drug of choice. Sometimes addicts need to see how much they have lost and some call it "rock bottom", but i prefer to call it a point of revelation were the addict realizes that the drug is destroying everything that they stand for. You don't have to live on the streets or whatever to reach this point (even though many do), but there has to be a time were you are 100% ready to give up the addiction. Until that point, i am sorry, but there is literally nothing you can do. I kept my percocet use from my ex gf forever. I never used daily, but i still was highly mentally addicted. The only thing that got me to quit was the fact that i saw that my life was headed towards mediocrity, and i believe i am capable of more than that. Again the ADDICT has to be 100% committed, not the addict's family, not the addict's girlfriend, it really is just THE ADDICT. Thanks for reading.

Stilltrecking

The last sentence of that post was misleading, because the addict's family and girlfriend can be 100% committed as well, and that support can go a long way. What i meant by that is that even though support helps a lot, it still comes down to the addict.

Tired09

BTR13 ~

I must agree with "Stilltreking..." I've struggled with Opioid's for years (Decades?). When in active-addiction I morph into something twisted and ugly. Literally every waking hour I think on how best to quench my hunger; how to feed the twisted-ugliness inside. "I" alone matter...

I will lie.

I will deceive.

I will manipulate.

Certainly I'd like to think that "I am different" from the picture you've painted of your life with your BF? Yet, if I look past the delusion I have of myself, I see "Me" in most, (If not all) of the selfishness and betrayal you shared.

For every fact that you may no know, I would guess that there is a factor of five (5) that you do not know?

Your relationship with this man is fairly new? Perhaps it is best to withdraw (No pun intended) from the relationship in small, but substantial portions? over a period of four to six weeks? Maybe if you are not standing so close to the situation it might allow you a better view of your BF and his "Life?" I find that I am unable to see through the glare of intimate-emotions.

It is difficult for me to remain "Silent". Everything inside of me screams for me to afford you this viable plan of action; RUN AWAY! (And do it now!).

Seek knowledge in this regard, Pray for wisdom and Listen...

May God Bless you and keep you.

T09 ~

cleaninLI

Btr I couldn't agree with stilltrecking more! He is absolutely spot on. In fact it wouldn't surprize me if you come to find out that your abf never actually quit. He probably tried cold turkey and WD for a few days and started back up months ago. When an addict is ready for recovery they stay away from people, places and things. I think he's been telling you what you want to hear. I'm an oppiate addict and Percs were one of my doc. At the height of my addiction I was willing to throw away my 25 year marriage along with my kids to keep on using. It didn't mean I didn't love them. I thought I couldn't survive without the pills. My brain was totally Hyjacked by my addiction. You can try giving him another ultimatum and he may agree to give up the Percs but he's probably just telling you what you want to hear and will fake WD then contact his friend or dealer behind your back. It's something I did a many times. Something that's said here is active addiction looks like addiction and recovery looks like recovery. If he really wants recovery he will drop his friendship with that active user. He will be making an appointment with an addiction specialist or attending some kind of program/NA or AA meetings. I doubt he will be able to quit on his own and it wouldn't surprize me if he's been taking these Percs longer than a year. Probably before he even met you. In fact, you probably haven't even met the real clean sober man he is underneath.

I realize this post is pretty harsh but I'm trying to make you understand how strong addiction is. It's not something that you can love away or threaten away. He has to really want recovery himself.

Btr13

I do feel like there is nothing I can do and he said there is nothing I can do cause he's going to do what he wants anyway. I just talked to him and he said he's going to do 15's every once in awhile. Possibly tonight. He is already doing favors for his old dealer and getting him like 15 30's. I told him I didn't want it to become a big problem like it was before. And he said no it won't be. I don't know.

AnvilheadII

hon, it's not YOUR call. you can't control what he does. you have expressed how you feel, he responded. he plans to keep using. now, the question is....what are YOU going to do with that information? he's already defending his RIGHT to use, he is right now probably getting drugs....whether you want him to or not is IRRELEVANT....to him.

what concerns me is you say he MADE you drive him to get drugs. he MADE you go to the ATM. unless he was armed, how did he MAKE you do that? you can say NO. otherwise you are participating in the very thing you do not want him doing.

he's made his choices. now you get to make your own. what do you value in a relationship? it's been less than a year...and from the outset it's been about trying to get him to change. either you accept him exactly as he is, and quit trying to change him, or you accept him exactly as he is, and walk away.

Btr13

That time we went to the ATM I had no idea he was planning on splitting that pill with our friend. We usually get them for his friend a lot and I thought it was solely for him. He said he wanted to tell me about it but was afraid of how I'd react, which is exactly how I reacted when I found out, which of course, because it breaks my heart to know he's using again. He told me he will probably do a 30 a week now, which also kills me because he was doing so good. He said he likes the high better than weed because it makes him relax and be able to deal with things more easily, obviously, and that he just likes it, which I like smoking weed whenever I want. I told him the next time it gets out of control like the first time he told me he was using, that I will leave him. It sucks but I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't completely change him and help him get better and not be dependent on percocet, but I have to accept it as much as I don't want to. He said he doesn't want to stop and doesn't want to go to rehab because he will lose his job, his family will hate him and throw him out, and his life will be a mess. But if it gets as bad as it has before, he will have to face rehab. I guess I'm going to have to deal with this change and accept him for who he is, which is in fact what love is. Everything can't be changed or controlled, but anything could go right again. Maybe he will be able to control his habit, or maybe his habit will get worse like before, but we have to just take it day by day.

Stilltrecking

There is no "if it gets as bad as before". It will get as bad or worse if it hasn't already. I say that with 100% certainty. I am sorry for putting it bluntly but i can GUARENTE it, it is pretty much the laws of Percocet use.

jokerz4u

I dont believe he ever stopped in the first place, and it will definitely get way worse before it gets better. Like most of us here, he wont quit till he reaches rock bottom. Right now the ONLY thing important to him is getting high. Wish you all the luck!!

Tired09

Many of us have been on the "One, 30 a week plan" or some form of it in the past... After one has a taste of the "Ocean-Blue-Thirty" setting an intake boundary is an example of the insanity found within this illness... Buckle-up and hold on tight...

I am wishing you the best Btr13 and am hopeful that I am wrong.

T09 ~

steelmagnolia

Btr...you sound very young and naive from your scripts. I feel very sorry for the pain I feel you are destined and determined to endure. You received the most excellent, experienced, and hard-knock advice..."run...run now...run fast"!!! And, by the way, love is not blind folding yourself and settling for a life of pain, disappointment, lies, and playing second fiddle to someone's drug of choice! He has been clear and honest with you...you can go...the percs will stay!! And they will win!!! Mags

DecBaby

I just wanted to add, the poster keeps mentioning percocets when the 15s and 30s mentioned are a different game than percs. People usually start with percs and graduate to the blues.

cleaninLI

I have to agree with everyone here. He already told you he's not giving them up! He is deluding you as well as himself if he thinks he can only use 30 mgs a week. I'm positive that 30 will end up being 130 a day (if it hasn't already happened) before he realizes he has a big problem. Do you really want to stick around for the ride? All I can say is if you do be prepared to guard your valuables! He's going to need lots of money to fund his habit that will increase before and if he's ever ready to give them up!

Trust me he's not worth it! You can find someone healthy that will not put drugs ahead of you and your relationship!

I was thinking the same thing decbaby!

Btr13

You all are right. There's nothing I can really do so if it does happen to become a huge problem I will just have to watch his spiral in the back of my mind wanting to say I told you so. He's going to do what he wants and if it gets out of control again it will be his fault and he will lose everything. If he hasn't learned by now he will learn in the future. Thank you everyone for the advice. I can guarantee that I will leave when I ever find out that his addiction got worse. Especially in the future when we finally have an apartment, if his money is put to drugs before our important bills and food, it will be the last time.

jokerz4u

Please come back and let us know "when" it happens, it will...

cleaninLI

Btr that's a good attitude! If it happens again, unfortunately, I am pretty certain it will. Think carefully about what kind of man you want to spend your life with and have kids with if you desire in the future. Trust me, addicts don't make very good parents. (When in active addiction) Right now the choices you make in life effect only you. Some day if children come along, your choices effect them as well.

In fact, it's good that you know exactly what your future holds if you should remain in this relationship. Please think very carefully about not wasting your time and energy on a relationship that's doomed from the start! You deserve a man that's not putting his selfish need to get high and escape from the world ahead of you! Your needs come first. You are working hard living life on life's terms and need a partner that's present in your life, doing the same. Not someone when the going gets tough checks out.

Always remember that the only person we can change is ourselves. What you see is what you get. If that isn't want you want for your life then wait until the one you really want comes along. Trust me, he will, you do NOT have to settle for something other than the best!

Spend this time working on you! Be the best person you can be. Construct the kind of life you want and need. This is not selfish. This is healthy, ok? Go to alanon meetings or talk to a therapist. Everything else will fall into place! I guarentee it!

Pamel

Sigh… It WILL get worse. I am an alcoholic who knew nothing about opiate drugs until I sustained a major injury and was prescribed Vicodin for pain. The first reaction was relief from the pain, but the second was: Yea!! I feel GREAT!!! What I didn't know then, and learned after two long years, was that I needed more and more of the stuff to get the same "high". It was the high that I was in love with, not the fact that the pain was taken away. For a couple of weeks I really thought that I had found Nirvana, and alcohol paled by comparison.

The trouble with being an addict is that we have no control over these mood-changers, and the drug briefly lifted me up before tossing me into a pit where I needed more and more to feel anything, and finally I could take a lot and feel nothing. That was when I found out how addictive these pills are.

If your boyfriend is an addict (and he most certainly is-anyone who uses these drugs recreationally is) there is NO WAY he will stick to any plan he comes up with to limit his use.

Hide your valuables, at least, and be prepared for more bad times ahead. Sorry to echo what everyone else has said here, but it is experience talking.

Timebuster

Btr, I have to ask this question.

When your boyfriend cop’s dope for his friends, what cut is he getting. Is it money or pills?

And by the way, to set the record straight. Percocet don’t come in 15’s or 30’s. Oxycodone comes in 15’s and 30’s

TB