recoveredcrackhead- It Takes A Lifetime
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
My what a difference a week makes.
2013 end on a low note. Besides all the other strange happenings, MK seems determined to drive me crazy, and I seem determined to allow her. Whenever she is lonely or in pain she calls me for comfort. But of course as soon as someone calls with drugs or alcohol I am kicked to the curb. She flaunts the drugs and all the male "friends" she has aqiured as of late. It actually makes me physically ill to think about it.
Supposedly she is moving back to her old stomping grounds, which should eliminate me as a source for comfort and aid. It can't happen qiuck enough.
She showed up on my porch,frozen and wet, having locked herself out of her place. I assisted her getting back in and shortly there after the phone rang and I was usher out.
So last night, New Years Eve, she informed me about the party and company she was having over to her place. This set in motion a deep depression as I sat alone. I managed to fall asleep about 11pm and then she called at 1am and proceded to tell me about the fun she was having with all the guys. But she did say she loves me. Why? Why have I been so taken, so attatched, so in love with such an unstable person.
I started mental health counseling, but they are useless and ineffective, Just an opportunity to verbal vent my frustrations.
on the lighter side, my youngest is getting married next week and I am invited
School may or may not start on the 20th, and I have a court date about my restitution and may actually be compelled to not go to school and find a job.
Life is interesting to say the least.
Be Well,
Larry
2013 end on a low note. Besides all the other strange happenings, MK seems determined to drive me crazy, and I seem determined to allow her. Whenever she is lonely or in pain she calls me for comfort. But of course as soon as someone calls with drugs or alcohol I am kicked to the curb. She flaunts the drugs and all the male "friends" she has aqiured as of late. It actually makes me physically ill to think about it.
Supposedly she is moving back to her old stomping grounds, which should eliminate me as a source for comfort and aid. It can't happen qiuck enough.
She showed up on my porch,frozen and wet, having locked herself out of her place. I assisted her getting back in and shortly there after the phone rang and I was usher out.
So last night, New Years Eve, she informed me about the party and company she was having over to her place. This set in motion a deep depression as I sat alone. I managed to fall asleep about 11pm and then she called at 1am and proceded to tell me about the fun she was having with all the guys. But she did say she loves me. Why? Why have I been so taken, so attatched, so in love with such an unstable person.
I started mental health counseling, but they are useless and ineffective, Just an opportunity to verbal vent my frustrations.
on the lighter side, my youngest is getting married next week and I am invited
School may or may not start on the 20th, and I have a court date about my restitution and may actually be compelled to not go to school and find a job.
Life is interesting to say the least.
Be Well,
Larry
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Larry - Sorry about the stuff with MK. From my personal experience, she will keep stringing you along as long as you let her. She's using you as a backup. If she has so many "friends", next time let THEM get her back into her place.
Sorry to sound harsh, but I've been in the same position (for decades) and all it did was wear me down.
I pray that 2014 is a new start and a good one! Going to your daughter's wedding is HUGE - think back, not so long ago, when your kids wanted nothing to do with you.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Sorry to sound harsh, but I've been in the same position (for decades) and all it did was wear me down.
I pray that 2014 is a new start and a good one! Going to your daughter's wedding is HUGE - think back, not so long ago, when your kids wanted nothing to do with you.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
"Today I begin a new life.
Today I shed my old skin, which hath, too long, suffered the bruises of failure and
the wounds of mediocrity.
Today I am born anew and my birthplace is a vineyard where there is fruit for all.
Today I will pluck grapes of wisdom from the tallest and fullest vines in the
vineyard, for these were planted by the wisest of my profession who have come
before me, generation upon generation.
Today I will savor the taste of grapes from these vines and verily I will swallow the
seed of success buried in each and new life will sprout within me.
The career I have chosen is laden with opportunity yet it is fraught with heartbreak
and despair and the bodies of those who have failed, were they piled one atop
another, would cast its shadow down upon all the pyramids of the earth.
Yet I will not fail, as the others, for in my hands I now hold the charts, which will
guide me through perilous waters to shores, which only yesterday seemed but a
dream.
Failure will no longer by my payment for my struggle. Just as nature made no
provision for my body to tolerate pain neither has it made any provision for my life
to suffer failure. Failure, like pain, is alien to my life. In the past I accepted it as I
accepted pain. Now I reject it and I am prepared for wisdom and principles which
will guide me out of the shadows into the sunlight of wealth, position, and happiness
far beyond my most extravagant dreams until even the golden apples in the Garden
of Hesperides will seem no more than my just reward." (Og Mandino)
Be Well
Larry
Today I shed my old skin, which hath, too long, suffered the bruises of failure and
the wounds of mediocrity.
Today I am born anew and my birthplace is a vineyard where there is fruit for all.
Today I will pluck grapes of wisdom from the tallest and fullest vines in the
vineyard, for these were planted by the wisest of my profession who have come
before me, generation upon generation.
Today I will savor the taste of grapes from these vines and verily I will swallow the
seed of success buried in each and new life will sprout within me.
The career I have chosen is laden with opportunity yet it is fraught with heartbreak
and despair and the bodies of those who have failed, were they piled one atop
another, would cast its shadow down upon all the pyramids of the earth.
Yet I will not fail, as the others, for in my hands I now hold the charts, which will
guide me through perilous waters to shores, which only yesterday seemed but a
dream.
Failure will no longer by my payment for my struggle. Just as nature made no
provision for my body to tolerate pain neither has it made any provision for my life
to suffer failure. Failure, like pain, is alien to my life. In the past I accepted it as I
accepted pain. Now I reject it and I am prepared for wisdom and principles which
will guide me out of the shadows into the sunlight of wealth, position, and happiness
far beyond my most extravagant dreams until even the golden apples in the Garden
of Hesperides will seem no more than my just reward." (Og Mandino)
Be Well
Larry
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
I have been reqiured to attend a program designed to facilitate finding employment. This is part of the process of applying for "welfare". We are allowed to access the internet and being that I have brought my laptap, well, I have accomplished the reqiurements of the day. I have noticed an increase in my anxiety as I search job boards. The thoughts of explaining my situation or relocating to another city/state has me ill-at-ease. Just a few short years ago I was chasing jobs all over the country. Now the thought of moving to a new town makes me sick. I guess I am hanging on by a thread to the friends and family I have left. The hole MK filled in my heart and in my mind was enough to consider even the boldest attempts at regaining my life. Now it seems to do such things would be leaving it all behind. My self-confidence has waned to barely a belief that I can do anything. This is such an unbelievable set of circumstances. I was so close and now it seems serenity is so far.
One of the most amazing aspects of all this turmoil is how I can feel myself going crazy. The fears biulding up with anxiety, depression causing me to isolate, resentments bringing fantasies of malice and revenge.
And yet I know and forget to turn to God. So often I feel the pent up rage and frustration about to biol over and I call on God, not really asking for relief or answers, but just to be with me and it works. Even now as I type this I get the feeling of God's presence and that make's all the difference.
I really need to obtain some structure, some security, something stable. I suppose I answer my own questions or , perhaps, God does.
Be well,
Larry
One of the most amazing aspects of all this turmoil is how I can feel myself going crazy. The fears biulding up with anxiety, depression causing me to isolate, resentments bringing fantasies of malice and revenge.
And yet I know and forget to turn to God. So often I feel the pent up rage and frustration about to biol over and I call on God, not really asking for relief or answers, but just to be with me and it works. Even now as I type this I get the feeling of God's presence and that make's all the difference.
I really need to obtain some structure, some security, something stable. I suppose I answer my own questions or , perhaps, God does.
Be well,
Larry
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Larry - I just recently filled out a job application that is good for me, will use my latest degree and certification. However, I panicked at the "have you ever been fired" question. Um, yeah, several times.
I reached out to a friend here, focused on ONE firing that had nothing to do with drugs. I know, legally, a former employer can only say they would not rehire me and I'm prepared for that.
I had MAJOR anxiety. The hospital system I applied for is NOT close, some of their facilities are 2 hours away.
However, I had to answer a lot of questions about how I handled different situations, etc. and I realized "OMG, I have a lot to offer!!!" Apparently, my application wasn't tossed into the trash, as I've gotten a reply, have to provide references and an available date for an interview.
I have had to, repeatedly, remind myself to "let go and let God". I told my friend here "unless the interviewer has an AA pendant around their neck, I am doing my best to NOT bring the drugs into the conversation".
I'm not saying that is the best thing. I've done it before, but eventually opened up about my past.
All I know, is that with all the stuff I've been through in recovery? What was meant to be came to be. I usually didn't see it until much later.
I know how much you love MK, but honestly? Former crackhead to former crackhead? Larry needs to do what is best for Larry.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
I reached out to a friend here, focused on ONE firing that had nothing to do with drugs. I know, legally, a former employer can only say they would not rehire me and I'm prepared for that.
I had MAJOR anxiety. The hospital system I applied for is NOT close, some of their facilities are 2 hours away.
However, I had to answer a lot of questions about how I handled different situations, etc. and I realized "OMG, I have a lot to offer!!!" Apparently, my application wasn't tossed into the trash, as I've gotten a reply, have to provide references and an available date for an interview.
I have had to, repeatedly, remind myself to "let go and let God". I told my friend here "unless the interviewer has an AA pendant around their neck, I am doing my best to NOT bring the drugs into the conversation".
I'm not saying that is the best thing. I've done it before, but eventually opened up about my past.
All I know, is that with all the stuff I've been through in recovery? What was meant to be came to be. I usually didn't see it until much later.
I know how much you love MK, but honestly? Former crackhead to former crackhead? Larry needs to do what is best for Larry.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
Originally Posted by larrylive 
And yet I know and forget to turn to God. So often I feel the pent up rage and frustration about to biol over and I call on God, not really asking for relief or answers, but just to be with me and it works. Even now as I type this I get the feeling of God's presence and that make's all the difference.
I just got home from tonight's meeting. On Thurs we do a reading from "As Bill Sees It' Tonight's was #33
"We discover that we receive guidance for our lives to just about the
extent that we stop making demands upon God to give it to us on order
and on our terms."
One of my short term goals is to graduate and work at a local home for youths. Having just received a domestic violence charge, specifically;endangering the welfare of a child, I kinda gave up hope on that plan.Two weeks ago when I reported to register for this work program the bulletin board had a flyer anouncing the local youth home was looking for custodial help, bummer I thought, would have made a nice after school job and got me one foot in the door. I also noticed the post expired the day before. So today while checking the online help wanted ads, I saw the post again, resubmitted, I guess they haven't found the right canidate. Makes me wonder...and now I'm thinking do I really need a lightning bolt?
be well,
Larry
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Larry - I don't know about lightening bolts, but I always wanted neon signs from God Never got them, but putting the next right foot in front of the other has seemed to work pretty well, and I have complete faith in you
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Never got them, but putting the next right foot in front of the other has seemed to work pretty well, and I have complete faith in youHugs and prayers,
Amy
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
Done with the first week of the work program, found a few leads. I prefer face-to-face contact and will try to make it happen next week. The program reqiures classroom attendance for the first two weeks, then hit the streets for two more. Being that school starts the 20th I woulf rather get a jump on a job, if that is to happen. I have applied for the financial aid waiver/appeal, but shall start classes in any event (they can bill me lol).
So the weekend starts, not liking being alone...and lost. i really need to develope the other aspects of life. My how easy they wane. Doesn't help that it's below zero degrees outside. I may not shy away from responsibility due to the weather, but it certainly precludes me from social/leisure activity. i would like to go to the fitness center or the college's gym/pool. Although I could use the weekend to do some much procrastinated house work/maintenance.
Still trying to sit qiuetly with the Lord,but my anxiety looks for distraction and sleep is the usual outcome.
"i will form good habits and become a slave to them"
Be well,
Larry
So the weekend starts, not liking being alone...and lost. i really need to develope the other aspects of life. My how easy they wane. Doesn't help that it's below zero degrees outside. I may not shy away from responsibility due to the weather, but it certainly precludes me from social/leisure activity. i would like to go to the fitness center or the college's gym/pool. Although I could use the weekend to do some much procrastinated house work/maintenance.
Still trying to sit qiuetly with the Lord,but my anxiety looks for distraction and sleep is the usual outcome.
"i will form good habits and become a slave to them"
Be well,
Larry
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
Week 2 of "pride in Work",
while the others are busy taking remedial test and workin up resume's for the first time, I have set up 2 job interviews for tomorrow. Not really exciting, I certainly won't get the best one (Casino; I'm a felon) but I do like a challenge and stranger things have happened. Went to probation, four more phukin times left, that is of course if I come up with $2,000 for restitution (I was a very bad/stupid boy) otherwise I will finally get to see what prison is like.
Still waiting to hear from the school, and I need to chase the home for wayward youths about a janitorial position---scary. How come if I don't care about the job ie; casino, I am self-confident, but when I really want the position; janitor (?lol) I get all nervous. I'm still taking that in..I don't want the Stagehand at the casino job, but I do want the Janitor at the Youth Home job. Yep, way too many drugs in my life.
Be Well,
Larry
while the others are busy taking remedial test and workin up resume's for the first time, I have set up 2 job interviews for tomorrow. Not really exciting, I certainly won't get the best one (Casino; I'm a felon) but I do like a challenge and stranger things have happened. Went to probation, four more phukin times left, that is of course if I come up with $2,000 for restitution (I was a very bad/stupid boy) otherwise I will finally get to see what prison is like.
Still waiting to hear from the school, and I need to chase the home for wayward youths about a janitorial position---scary. How come if I don't care about the job ie; casino, I am self-confident, but when I really want the position; janitor (?lol) I get all nervous. I'm still taking that in..I don't want the Stagehand at the casino job, but I do want the Janitor at the Youth Home job. Yep, way too many drugs in my life.
Be Well,
Larry
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
The Casino interview went friggin awesomely! But I have a felony. So they are going to see if there is a loop hole because the job does not involve gaming(money) or alcohol. I left the interview feeling odd...50/50, as we discussed the felony. I got the feeling they were interested but.... so I apologized for having wasted their time (although I indicated my record on the application) and they said "they would let me know".
An hour later they called wanting a little more information, as the dept. managers would really like to hire me. Well I'll be!
Sitting here feeling gratitude and faith and that little something that makes known to me the presense I so truely love.
Be Well,
Larry
An hour later they called wanting a little more information, as the dept. managers would really like to hire me. Well I'll be!
Sitting here feeling gratitude and faith and that little something that makes known to me the presense I so truely love.
Be Well,
Larry
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
The Good and the Bad.....
I have been invited to attend the wedding of my youngest daughter, that, in my view, is due to the miracle of AA. This evening at 5pm, the receptions at 7, I shall dance with both my daughter, you can count on that.That's the good.
The bad....
Perhaps you have read of my dilemma with a member of my home group and IMHO his skewed version of the Big Book. Although for the past three weeks I have held my tongue and even joyfully assisted in the preparation for the meeting, he has gone a bit too far. 2 days ago, the morning after his BB meeting, he saw fit to e-mail my probation officer and tell him I was doing cocaine. To which I was promptly invited to report for a urine screen. Being as I don't do cocaine I hustled down to the office and supplied them with the sample.....positive for cocaine. Things that make me go hmmmm. Actually it makes me go what the F#CK are you kidding me, no friggin way, do it again. (to no avail). Now I probably shouldn't jump to conclusions, I mean just because he supplied the coffee and cookies (store bought) and one of his sponsee's filled my thermos with the leftover coffee (waste not want not). I have done some research, including going to my old TC and asking the lab tech some pertinent questions. False positives are possible due to administation error, but that would be coincidental. Ingesting small amounts would come back positive, but I didn't get high, nor crave so I don't know if that's the reason. I did see a few members of the group awaiting urine screens and shall keep my ears open for shocked and mystifying results.
The focus of my suspicion is a questionable character and investigation shows some strange behaviors in the past couple years although he claims "more than 10 yrs sober" (has been claiming that for a couple years).
I have tried to get another screen from outside sources, no one does them for free and I suppose the window is about closed. I report back to probation Monday, no idea what will transpire. I have more job interviews lined up and don't like the idea of being offered a job then not being available. It would seem to reflect poorly when I actually could show up. Oh and if the casino calls me in it will be for a drug test, hair folicle, things that make me go...Aww sh!t.
Be well,
Larry
I have been invited to attend the wedding of my youngest daughter, that, in my view, is due to the miracle of AA. This evening at 5pm, the receptions at 7, I shall dance with both my daughter, you can count on that.That's the good.
The bad....
Perhaps you have read of my dilemma with a member of my home group and IMHO his skewed version of the Big Book. Although for the past three weeks I have held my tongue and even joyfully assisted in the preparation for the meeting, he has gone a bit too far. 2 days ago, the morning after his BB meeting, he saw fit to e-mail my probation officer and tell him I was doing cocaine. To which I was promptly invited to report for a urine screen. Being as I don't do cocaine I hustled down to the office and supplied them with the sample.....positive for cocaine. Things that make me go hmmmm. Actually it makes me go what the F#CK are you kidding me, no friggin way, do it again. (to no avail). Now I probably shouldn't jump to conclusions, I mean just because he supplied the coffee and cookies (store bought) and one of his sponsee's filled my thermos with the leftover coffee (waste not want not). I have done some research, including going to my old TC and asking the lab tech some pertinent questions. False positives are possible due to administation error, but that would be coincidental. Ingesting small amounts would come back positive, but I didn't get high, nor crave so I don't know if that's the reason. I did see a few members of the group awaiting urine screens and shall keep my ears open for shocked and mystifying results.
The focus of my suspicion is a questionable character and investigation shows some strange behaviors in the past couple years although he claims "more than 10 yrs sober" (has been claiming that for a couple years).
I have tried to get another screen from outside sources, no one does them for free and I suppose the window is about closed. I report back to probation Monday, no idea what will transpire. I have more job interviews lined up and don't like the idea of being offered a job then not being available. It would seem to reflect poorly when I actually could show up. Oh and if the casino calls me in it will be for a drug test, hair folicle, things that make me go...Aww sh!t.
Be well,
Larry
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
I can be done....
I have just had official confirmation that one can ingest cocaine, not get high and test positive. phooker, guess what I'm thinking.
Any suggestions on practicing acceptance, serenity, etc. RESENTMENT,
I shall now go for a walk with the Lord, just typing that gives me reassurance and brought tears to my eyes. I wish, oops careful what we wish for, I will change my ways and make more time to walk with the lord, preferable out of doors
Be Well
Larry
I have just had official confirmation that one can ingest cocaine, not get high and test positive. phooker, guess what I'm thinking.
Any suggestions on practicing acceptance, serenity, etc. RESENTMENT,
I shall now go for a walk with the Lord, just typing that gives me reassurance and brought tears to my eyes. I wish, oops careful what we wish for, I will change my ways and make more time to walk with the lord, preferable out of doors
Be Well
Larry
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
I watched my baby, the one who never gave up hope on me, walk down the aisle. She was beautiful and I am proud. Both my daughters have grown into wonderful women.
At the reception I approached my ex and her parents expressing my gratitude, it may not be ammends, but I felt it neccessary. I don't see many women the age of my daughters, living the way my daughters do. Both are college graduates, deans list. Both got married before getting pregnant. And now both are back in my life.
I also felt it neccessary to tell my baby how much i love her and how much I appretiate that she was always there, never passing judgement for the way I behaved. I felt I may have been shorting her on the attention she deserves as I rekindled the relationship with her sister. They both fill me with joy.
If you have kids, don't waste time in your addiction nor in your recovery. Once that time has past...it's past. i missed prayers at bedtime and homework, I missed...so much. I can't get it back, I can't make up for it or replace it. (melancholy)
Women...My daughters, my ex, my grandmother, my granddaughter and my sister, all in one night...in one room. What a life, i'll just keep trying.
Be well,
Larry
PS trust me on this one; The Sunscreen Song - 10 Year Tribute (Everybody's Free) - YouTube
At the reception I approached my ex and her parents expressing my gratitude, it may not be ammends, but I felt it neccessary. I don't see many women the age of my daughters, living the way my daughters do. Both are college graduates, deans list. Both got married before getting pregnant. And now both are back in my life.
I also felt it neccessary to tell my baby how much i love her and how much I appretiate that she was always there, never passing judgement for the way I behaved. I felt I may have been shorting her on the attention she deserves as I rekindled the relationship with her sister. They both fill me with joy.
If you have kids, don't waste time in your addiction nor in your recovery. Once that time has past...it's past. i missed prayers at bedtime and homework, I missed...so much. I can't get it back, I can't make up for it or replace it. (melancholy)
Women...My daughters, my ex, my grandmother, my granddaughter and my sister, all in one night...in one room. What a life, i'll just keep trying.
Be well,
Larry
PS trust me on this one; The Sunscreen Song - 10 Year Tribute (Everybody's Free) - YouTube
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
So, Mr askew BB man has tried to say CPS was responsible for the e-mail sent to my probation officer. Not to me, but a few members of our group. He was actually argueing with one and mentioned something about someone else breaking anonymity. To which he was asked about the e-mail and reply CPS sent it. So....lets just say thisthis part of the fantasy was true. What does CPS have to do with anything, my youngest just got married at the age of 26, and how would he have been privvy to that info.
Emergency business meeting coming up, unfortunately I may not be able to attend as I report back to probation first.
Be Well,
Larry
Emergency business meeting coming up, unfortunately I may not be able to attend as I report back to probation first.
Be Well,
Larry
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
it is a strange feeling not being able to predict ones course in life, nor where one will be in 4 hours.
Three job interviews set up this week. TC assessment in one hour, probation immediatly after. And appearently there is no precident of recourse within the fellowship for the malicious actions of a trusted servent.
Be Well,
Larry
Three job interviews set up this week. TC assessment in one hour, probation immediatly after. And appearently there is no precident of recourse within the fellowship for the malicious actions of a trusted servent.
Be Well,
Larry
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