recoveredcrackhead- It Takes A Lifetime
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
"If there is one danger in long term recovery programs it is complacency.
The way to overcome complacency is through personal growth.
Seek to improve your life.
Seek to improve your life situation.
Seek to eliminate negative things from your life.
If you do these three things diligently then you will not relapse.
If you can do this in AA then that is great. If you can do this outside of AA then that is great too.
Find the path that leads to growth." Patrick via Spiritual river
Be Well,
Larry
The way to overcome complacency is through personal growth.
Seek to improve your life.
Seek to improve your life situation.
Seek to eliminate negative things from your life.
If you do these three things diligently then you will not relapse.
If you can do this in AA then that is great. If you can do this outside of AA then that is great too.
Find the path that leads to growth." Patrick via Spiritual river
Be Well,
Larry
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
Another week gone, this bothers me. Funny how fast time goes at this stage of life (with the exception of when one is in jail...inside joke...Ahhh, get it?).
I fear something is terribly wrong with my mental health,. I have started with the local mental health agency paid for with medcaid (hopefully). I have doubts.
In the mean time I struggle to piece together alife torn apart for the second time by drugs...and love. This difference being that when I did it the first time I had hit bottom and the only way to go was up. This time there is still far to fall and I lack the self discipline to take advantage of the down time before school starts again (hopefully).
Hmmmm...I was briefly distracted and lost my train of thought. I would really prefer not to HAVE to do drugs ie; presribed.
Be Well,
Larry
I fear something is terribly wrong with my mental health,. I have started with the local mental health agency paid for with medcaid (hopefully). I have doubts.
In the mean time I struggle to piece together alife torn apart for the second time by drugs...and love. This difference being that when I did it the first time I had hit bottom and the only way to go was up. This time there is still far to fall and I lack the self discipline to take advantage of the down time before school starts again (hopefully).
Hmmmm...I was briefly distracted and lost my train of thought. I would really prefer not to HAVE to do drugs ie; presribed.
Be Well,
Larry
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: England
Posts: 7
Just saying "hi" to you all. I'm not new, just been away for a while and changed my username too. Can you send me friend requests so I can add you to this account please? It would help if I tell you my old username. ....... healin. It's good to be back 
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: England
Posts: 7
Ignore my last post as I have just logged into my 'healin' account and It's overwhelmed with messages and friends worrying about me and changing everything over to this account will take forever. I'll be using the healin account from now on
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
I sure hope you have steered clear of Dave and MK since you got out of jail. Good luck to you, stay on the straight path. Glad to hear you have found something that works to find you peace.
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
No contact, but daily I struggle with the thoughts...MK; longing. Dave; revenge. I realize both are unhealthy, but it is not in the knowing that pain is relieved. Distraction helps, but so much of my life lies in the balance of my pursuits ie; do I appeal for a re-trial or go one with life and deal with the consequence as they arise. I know the longer I wait to start the process the less likely I am to be successful. Yet the thought of being remanded back into custody has me hesitant. Meanwhile I hear the stories of their mis-adventures in crackworld. I have even been told she needed to be hospitalized, and that has been my biggest concern...that she would befall some trauma and i would be unaware. I know the angel inside her, the little girl trapped in a world of wolves. I sat beside her for three days in the Intensive Care Unit when she ODed and not another person came to visit, save the sugar-daddy, who,upon discharge, gave her money for drugs and/or alcohol. And yet I am the one accussed of mis-treating her........
Doesn't take much to take me back there, these feelings I try to avoid and ignore. there is no change in their world and only the promise that i would suffer more if I were involved.
So I sit and contemplate my course. I am financially destitute and work could solve this current problem, but that would interfere with school and my completing my degree. Which in truth may be useless with these new charges on my record. This of course is contrary to my thoughts when I was first released, that I would only continue my work in recovery on a volunteer basis. I should never want money to influence my descisions on how to be helpful.
I am glad it is Sunday morning, shortly I shall sit within the house of God, undistracted by the temporal world. This independent soul is grateful for the peace I find when I strive for conscious contact.
Be Well,
Larry
PS my daughter is half-way through chemo, a process which has changed both our lives.
Doesn't take much to take me back there, these feelings I try to avoid and ignore. there is no change in their world and only the promise that i would suffer more if I were involved.
So I sit and contemplate my course. I am financially destitute and work could solve this current problem, but that would interfere with school and my completing my degree. Which in truth may be useless with these new charges on my record. This of course is contrary to my thoughts when I was first released, that I would only continue my work in recovery on a volunteer basis. I should never want money to influence my descisions on how to be helpful.
I am glad it is Sunday morning, shortly I shall sit within the house of God, undistracted by the temporal world. This independent soul is grateful for the peace I find when I strive for conscious contact.
Be Well,
Larry
PS my daughter is half-way through chemo, a process which has changed both our lives.
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
Good Saturday Morning,
The day finds me in good spirits if not a bit chilly. It's 5 degrees and I have already been out on the bike. My daughters will be picking my up in a couple of hours so that we may bring my granddaughter to visit my grandmother. (That's a 5 generation difference).
After which I shall return to the church for more cleaning and organizing. We will have our peer-to-peer meeting and then I move to another room for the AA meeting. Our church is very concerned and helpful when it comes to recovery, but also very hands off. There are no religious reqiurements attatched to either groups usage of the facilities.
Speaking of which I have been given permission to use the gym for basketball and volleyball. I am excited. I shall also try to start a social-night with board games.
Time to get ready for the kids.
Be Well,
Larry
The day finds me in good spirits if not a bit chilly. It's 5 degrees and I have already been out on the bike. My daughters will be picking my up in a couple of hours so that we may bring my granddaughter to visit my grandmother. (That's a 5 generation difference).
After which I shall return to the church for more cleaning and organizing. We will have our peer-to-peer meeting and then I move to another room for the AA meeting. Our church is very concerned and helpful when it comes to recovery, but also very hands off. There are no religious reqiurements attatched to either groups usage of the facilities.
Speaking of which I have been given permission to use the gym for basketball and volleyball. I am excited. I shall also try to start a social-night with board games.
Time to get ready for the kids.
Be Well,
Larry
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
Guess what day it is......don't be silly, it's much bigger than that (for me)
I am going to my eldest daughters for dinner. With all due thanks going to God, for without God in my life this would not be possible.
For the newer reads, My eldest spent many years avoiding me and my crackheadedness. That changed a couple years ago when I really applied the 12 steps into my life, sought to improve my conscious contact and began helpinbg others.
The down side.....she made sauce (spaghetti) We are itailian, but with my being a crackhead she didn't experience my mom's which was almost as good as my grandmothers. I'm nervous. I dread lying to my daughter nor will I insult her.
Please Lord, bless this meal, so that I may continue to share the love which you have shared with me.
Be well,
Larry
I am going to my eldest daughters for dinner. With all due thanks going to God, for without God in my life this would not be possible.
For the newer reads, My eldest spent many years avoiding me and my crackheadedness. That changed a couple years ago when I really applied the 12 steps into my life, sought to improve my conscious contact and began helpinbg others.
The down side.....she made sauce (spaghetti) We are itailian, but with my being a crackhead she didn't experience my mom's which was almost as good as my grandmothers. I'm nervous. I dread lying to my daughter nor will I insult her.
Please Lord, bless this meal, so that I may continue to share the love which you have shared with me.
Be well,
Larry
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
Phone rang....yup...not good. The one who loves me so much she put me behind bars.
Seems some people have created some debt. The neighbor owes $2,600.00. He now lives with his parents (@30 with 2kids) but "visits" frequently. She owes $2,000, but this is payable in trade/services. It breaks my heart. She has been having back pain, which may be related to kidney damage suffered a few years ago. But she has alienated all her doctors and must re-apply for services. No appointment until Feb. I pray she makes it. She has turned down Holiday time with her sisters and father, they are tea-totelers. I think she fears missing an opportunity to smoke crack or that she might regain some of the 45lbs she has lost in the last few months. Funny how I think she is still beautiful.
I wish I could remove or endure her pain for her. I wish I could provide the effort she so desperately needs. All I can offer are prayers she'll never hear and tears she'll never see.
No longer tethered, her and I, we part into seperate seas. But the memory of the moments when the eyes said more than words ever could, will rest upon my heart until...
God Bless,
larry
Seems some people have created some debt. The neighbor owes $2,600.00. He now lives with his parents (@30 with 2kids) but "visits" frequently. She owes $2,000, but this is payable in trade/services. It breaks my heart. She has been having back pain, which may be related to kidney damage suffered a few years ago. But she has alienated all her doctors and must re-apply for services. No appointment until Feb. I pray she makes it. She has turned down Holiday time with her sisters and father, they are tea-totelers. I think she fears missing an opportunity to smoke crack or that she might regain some of the 45lbs she has lost in the last few months. Funny how I think she is still beautiful.
I wish I could remove or endure her pain for her. I wish I could provide the effort she so desperately needs. All I can offer are prayers she'll never hear and tears she'll never see.
No longer tethered, her and I, we part into seperate seas. But the memory of the moments when the eyes said more than words ever could, will rest upon my heart until...
God Bless,
larry
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
My bad......too much time on facebook and addressing problems that aren't mine. Funny how that's the goal. Unfortunately it's not the first step, the next right thing.
I do wish to share the miracles
That's a 5 generation spread,
But FYI: this is an act of procrastination, gotta go.
Be Well,
Larry
I do wish to share the miracles
That's a 5 generation spread,
But FYI: this is an act of procrastination, gotta go.
Be Well,
Larry
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
Currently sitting in the college library procrastinating asking Finanacial Aid to forgive me for wasting last semesters generous award/gift, hoping to avoid haveing to excuse the "domestic violence" charge, particularly because I am in the Human Services curriculum and withdrew from HS104 Identifying & Reporting of Child Abuse & Neglect, although I have scheduled it for the spring semester.
On the Lighter, brighter, happyier side.....
Wishing all a very Merry Chistmas, filled with the good Spirit.
Be Well,
Larry
On the Lighter, brighter, happyier side.....
Wishing all a very Merry Chistmas, filled with the good Spirit.
Be Well,
Larry
Not again
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
What a wonderful Christmas!
Both of my daughters stopped over for dessert. It was the first time my eldest had ever been to my house. The miracles continue. In two weeks my youngest will get married and I am invited. Maybe next Christmas I will have 2 grand kids.
Be Well,
Larry
Both of my daughters stopped over for dessert. It was the first time my eldest had ever been to my house. The miracles continue. In two weeks my youngest will get married and I am invited. Maybe next Christmas I will have 2 grand kids.
Be Well,
Larry
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