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ANXIETY - Cleaning lady is coming to undo this mess



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ANXIETY - Cleaning lady is coming to undo this mess

Old 09-21-2013, 08:15 AM
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ANXIETY - Cleaning lady is coming to undo this mess

I have to preface all this by saying never in my life have I considering myself a good housekeeper. I also do not pay bills on time. I don't take care of my car, my dogs, take out my garbage on time...as well as I should.

As a result, people don't ride in my car much. I get my electricty shut off on occassion even if the money is in the account. And - today, I am letting someone come over and clean my little house and it is almost killing me.

I have to come clean to someone about this right now or else I am going to cancel the cleaning lady and climb back to bed, which would be a shame really b/c it is so nice outside today. The coffee is on and I am hoping to enjoy a cup shortly.

When I was using, my nights would consist of working, then working out then coming home and getting stoned. And I would be stoned until I crashed into bed. I had all these rules - don't use the microwave, don't use the dishwasher, don't wash clothes, don't cook at all...and towards the end, I also didn't go outside. Which meant my dogs didn't go outside either after I started smoking.

There is room upstairs in my house that has become a dog poop room. It is a loft really. My landlord is angry. I have lost a boyfriend over this. I Just let my dogs poop and pee in the room and ignore it b/c most of my time at home was seriously spent high.

Every so often, I would get manic and clean it up. But, not in the past year has anyone really come to my house. Not my family who I never invite, not friends.

This past July, I had a house guest. A classmate and potential for a boyfriend who was in recovery and really helped me get square about my own recovery as well. I took two days off of work to clean for his arrival. I wanted him to be comfortable and I didn't want to feel ashamed. I was also on my 1st attempt at sobriety and was at about 20 days w/o a program at this time too. I even went so far as to clean my refigerator.

Fast forward to today - my landlord is back from deployment for a short break and he is FURIOUS with me. The dog poop room is back. In full force. The house smells. It is depressing. I have let my dogs ruin the carpets in this house. And NOW -

I AM 33 DAYS SOBER (I could these numbers like they are gold coins) and this HOUSE IS DISGUSTING...I don't live like this. I don't want to live like this anymore. My dogs know how to go outside. I don't get baked anymore. I need help. I need serious help cleaning up. I let my garage become so infested with mice b/c I couldn't be sober enough in the evening to take down the trash...(and now I am crying at that realization)...that the insulation is trashed...I took two loads of garbage to the dump this week in anticipation of the landlord coming home. And he is working on a project to hang drywall in the garage and fix up the MESS THAT I MADE. I fight him like it is his fault. IT ISN"T. MY addict ways messed it up. And he has been gracious enough to let me live here despite the fact that I live like a bum.

So, on Friday a cleaning lady came. She started to clean but my dog hair and the condition of the house was too much for $120 and one person to do. So, she is coming back today - at 1pm with a friend and shop vac to finish. A SHOP VAC...I am so exhausted today I can hardly move. I am about ready to just collapse and crumble. My idiotic pot head ways have turned me into a big isolated liar and I have to take my lumps and let this poor woman clean up after my 18 months of stoner behavior that has basically made a mess of this little house which I love so much.

I can't clean this place enough on my own w/o help right now. So, I asked for it. I am just so COMPLETELY ASHAMED of my ways!!!! SO ASHAMED. And it is costing my money to fix it. OH MY GOD I AM SO ASHAMED of my ways and how I blamed others.

The veil is being peeled back. Not just on the past 5 years of using, but on my attitudes towards life over all. The steps are starting to illumiate my ways to me in aspects of my behaviour I am so ashamed of. I am so ashamed. And depressed and anxious.

I have to get dressed and some coffee down and pick up some. Go to the bank. Feed my dogs and then load them in the car to get out of her way. I can't be here when she does this - it is sooooo heart wrenching. This woman is an angel for taking this mESS ON...seriously she is.

I lost a boyfriend over my house keeping. He was also a pot head so tell me where that was headed but, the dog poop room existed in the last many house I have lived in - even before i was an pot user. What is the matter with me?

Oh jesus - I pray for a clean house today. I am going to get set up on a schedule w/ her to help me clean every other week. This will keep me SOBER in my house keeping and keep me accountable. There is a carpet cleaner coming to do an estimate on Tuesday. The carpets will be cleaned. There is a window cleaner coming on tuesday...the veil is coming off. I am so scared of what I am seeing - but i guess the holidays are coming and I am hopeful to have a cookie baking party w/ my neices and nephews at my house or maybe a holiday meal w/ my friends...

Maybe my high school friend will come back and not be afraid to take his shoes off or set his suitcase on the floor.

This is going to be better right? This downward slide started a long time ago...

thank you for reading this...
---carla
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Old 09-21-2013, 08:56 AM
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Hello,

Welcome to SR and congrats on your 33 days! Sounds like you're making progress.
Good job getting the cleaning service in. There's a website you can look at called flylady.net She has a free plan for cleaning and organizing your house. It's broken down into rooms, chores and stuff and not at all overwhelming. Give it a look.

cleaning up our lives takes time and courage. plus its easier to get into good habits once you have a plan.

please keep us posted on your progress!

Love from Lenina
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Old 09-21-2013, 09:19 AM
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Oh Lenina thank you for your reply - I think this is an exercise in surrender - surrendering that my life is unmanageable and that not only are drugs but also my mental understanding of how to live flawed -

I Have looked at flylady before *when I was using* and will try her again thank you so muCH -

What is that it said - ONE DAY AT A TIME

I am still super anxious and about to crawl out of my skin every single thing in my mind is on 100% overdrive right now and my skin is about to crawl - i know there is going to be serenity in my house tonight I just have to keep looking over this mess that things are and bless the coming of the cleaning ladies (angels)

Its just so incredible hard right now every molehill is a mountain every mountain is MT EVEREST

I have a meeting to go to tonight - to get my 30 day tag from my home group oh i can't wait I am going to bring some goodies to celebrate!

Looking ahead past the 1pm deadline

Oh my

Carla
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Old 09-21-2013, 09:30 AM
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Congratulations on your 33 days! Looks like you are off to a great start! I'm so happy you are getting your life and your house in order! It will feel so good coming home this evening to a clean house.

I don't know how you feel about it, but there is a direct correlation between the chaos and messyness of my home and my emotions. When my surroundings are unorganized so are my thoughts and emotions!

Good luck and keep us posted!
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Old 09-21-2013, 09:30 AM
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Please consider a foster home for your dogs until you are stable...I was so completely incredulous-upset that you think "a dog poop/pee room is even remotely acceptable for your pets.

I'm glad you are 33 days clean, but I do not think people who cannot care for their animals basic needs should have them.

Dogs need to be walked regularly, it's a responsibility we take when we adopt them. I did not adopt a dog until I was 4 months sober, he's a little guy and I walk him a mile twice a day and take him for quick walks in between. If I cannot do it due to being away, I hire a neighbor to walk him.
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Old 09-21-2013, 09:47 AM
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Have you ever been diagnosed with depression? Of course, when you were using that no doubt made things worse, but depression can also make it difficult to handle normal routines of life such as cleaning, doing laundry, etc. When things get so out-of-control in your space, the task of fixing the squalor can seem insurmountable. Glad that you are having a cleaning person come in. A site that you might find helpful is Unf*** Your Habitat. Hope you are not offended by curse words, because the site is by no means G-rated, but it gives basic, realistic ideas for getting and keeping a place in order. Congrats on your sobriety; that is huge. Hope you will get yourself and your pets into some healthy routines once your place is in order.

Last edited by mayabee; 09-21-2013 at 09:58 AM. Reason: Typo
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Old 09-21-2013, 09:55 AM
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Hello all and thank you for your concerns about me and my pets - yes depression is a real problem for me and the use of my drug sort of masked it for a good long while - My drug use has become progressively more debilitating over the past 12 months and while I strive to keep a clean house and take care of my pets to the best of my ability - i am beginning to realize that best is not very good - it has been suggested to me on more than one occasion that I pare down the number of pets I have - in the coming weeks I will take this under consideration for sure

I took Fandy's advice - I am going to ask a friend to help me with my dogs and keep me on task with them - I live on 5 acres there is no reason we can't enjoy that together all of us - I just need help w/ accountability and not beating myself up so much but - I think making their lives better will help me as well - I am signing them up for doggie day care 3 days a week next week - they will enjoy that and it will give me piece of mind that they are enjoying life too -

Thank you all so much

the point is of course that as the veil is lifted away what I am seeing of myself - I don't much like

I saw my family doc yesterday and talked to him about my history and came clean off the chart about my addiction issues - I have a prescription drug to take and a plan to follow up with him as well

right now my mind is so cloudy and my feelings so scattered that I am just looking forward to the evening time when this house will be clean and I feel fresh and new and start w/ a new plan to keep it that way
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Old 09-21-2013, 09:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
Please consider a foster home for your dogs until you are stable...I was so completely incredulous-upset that you think "a dog poop/pee room is even remotely acceptable for your pets.
Oh gosh I don't think it is acceptable when I am in my right mind - I am completely in agreement with you on this - when I was addict minded - I guess I just ignored it which of course makes me culpable for being a bad pet parent - I am guilty as charged and will take full responsibility for the mess I have made and make amends for it as it as the chances come up to do so

I appreciate your concern and I am so sorry that you and most likely others have felt this way - It is definitely NOT ok with me that it has been this way even a moment longer than a second at this point
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Old 09-21-2013, 10:13 AM
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there is no shame is asking for help, I did not want to sound over zealous or unsupportive of your good foundation, but please remember whether you are sober or not, the animals deserve to have their basic needs met...
fresh food, clean water exercise and to go out at least 4X a day.

Clorox clean-up, and white vinegar are wonderful helpful to remove the scent.

if you like, look at the website "Unf---k your habitatdotcom" very helpful with a good approach to keep the house mess from taking over. with a great sense of humor.
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Old 09-21-2013, 11:28 AM
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You sound like you're on the right track. It's gonna take work but it can be fixed.
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Old 09-21-2013, 12:33 PM
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Hi I'm glad you are trying to get things in order.

There is a real psychological component to hoarding. I'm not giving you medical advice but you might want to look in to CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) with a therapist who has experience with people with your type of issues. The drug use could have made it worse however it may have been there before the drugs.

I was raised by a pot head who was a terrible house keeper. She didn't let things get dirty, but we definitely had issues like the power and water being shut off, lack of organization and bugs sometimes. I vowed that I would never let that happen to my family. But, it's easy to slip in to the ways we are raised. I'm not sure if you were raised in a home like that, just sharing my experience.

Good luck! I'm rooting for you and your dogs! I'm glad your landlord is working with you and hasn't evicted you!
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Old 09-21-2013, 03:11 PM
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The house is clean. Omg it's amazing. It's just simply amazing. Tuesday the carpets guys come and the windows will be done (I live in a prow front a-frame and clean windows will be amazing!) I cried when she left and told her and her partner how much they blessed me today with their work. While it was never really cluttered and hoarded it was dirty and how much so wasn't apparent until today. I leaned so much today. I want a nap but have to make my na meeting.
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Old 09-21-2013, 03:23 PM
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Dear hello, I am really proud of you for facing your problems. Excellent job. We are with you dear. See ya in the chat friend.
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Old 09-21-2013, 05:59 PM
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SO glad for you!
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Old 09-21-2013, 07:04 PM
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Hello! I'm so happy for you! When I was in early recovery, having a daily plan was helpful in keeping my life manageable. I got one of those big calendars from the office supply and put my tasks on each day.

Good job! Don't get overwhelmed, just do the few chores every day. And keep us posted,

Love from Lenina
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Old 09-21-2013, 11:03 PM
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Feels good huh? Maybe it will be easier to keep in order now and not feel so overwhelming.
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Old 09-22-2013, 10:40 AM
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Thank you for posting this, for being honest about something that feels so overwhelming and shameful to you. You have made a huge step in helping yourself just by being so honest and posting this and you are undoubtedly helping others, too.

I'm glad you're getting your depression checked out. I know that depression and using for me also led to chaos at home. I was just too tired to clean up all the time, even just to pick something up off the floor. I have mouse issues, too, including a cat who seems to think they are pets rather than dinner! And as far as I'm concerned, shopvacs are one of the greatest inventions in the universe! I always use a shopvac, they clean so much better no matter what your conditions.

I would add to above suggestions that maybe instead of cleaning the carpets maybe your landlord could replace them with linoleum. That would help by being super easy to clean and harder to use as a doggy toilet.

Are you doing any therapy to help you with all of these issues? Therapy can really change your life and help you move past the shame to healing the underlying causes of things so you can change them. You can clean and clear your mind to go with your newly cleaned house! I agree with cleaninLI that the state of my house definitely reflects and correlates with the state of my mind.

Having your outer world and surroundings in chaos and turmoil can trap your mind there, too. Conversely, having your surroundings clean, clear and calm can create space for your mind/body/spirit to heal more readily.

Wishing you serenity in your house, your dogs and yourself!
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