My whirlwind story of addiction
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
My whirlwind story of addiction
Hope this is ok, I posted this in newcomers but that forum deals primarily in alcohol. I am having problems with obsessive thinking. This is mostly background so you understand where I am coming from by sharing how addiction started for me.
It is long, sorry. I love writing and can get longwinded.
my alcohol abuse is a secondary problem for me, my obsession with pharmaceuticals is the real super villain in my story. I post about alcohol because it is a means to connect with everyone because alcohol is the most common vice here. Please don't misunderstand, I am an alcoholic, but that came upon as a replacement to pill popping and my abuse of it only happened when my pez dispenser ran empty. I am not going to stop talking booze, but this post isn't about it. However, I am sure everyone can understand because it is not about the abuse of something, rather it is the obsessive thinking behind it.
I am in recovery, 95 days, but my obsessive thinking hasn't changed enough yet. I am working really hard on it but maybe I am not being patient enough because I want it gone and I want it gone now. It is consuming energy that I can't afford to let go of. It drives the stinking thinking in me.
Going to get long now.
But we all have a drug of choice and mine are benzos - the pathway to suppressing the CNS. I have full blown ADHD of the worst kind. It affects every area of my life and I have to consciously work to keep it caged up like the beast it is. I have spoken about it here, but usually as a joke. That is what a lot of people think it is for adults because only kids get it. It is commonly used as an excuse for not performing or being lazy or acting frazzled. Well, this Bug has had it since early childhood and you don't just outgrow it. It doesn't go away when you become an adult.
A little background:
Now I am not the young ingenue I play on TV. When I was a kid ADHD was something only doctors knew about, teachers weren't equipped to deal with it, mothers didn't know about it, there were no school services, and the only treatment was detention for being a bad kid. There wasn't a label to assign and kids were just branded troublemakers and told to lay off the soda and sugar.
I suffered through childhood and early adulthood believing I was one of those kids. I was put into sports to give my hyperactivity an outlet. I had to spend more time on my studies so that my grades stayed up. I had to become an overachiever in order to feel good about myself. It was exhausting, debilitating and demoralizing. I just thought I was lazy, stupid and a pain to be around. I drove myself into the ground trying to treat myself when I didn't even know I had an actual disorder of any kind.
It wasn't until I went through a smorgasbord of psychological testing in my 20s that I had a name for it. But even then doctors were not keen on medical options for adults so they just put you in CBT and tried to drive the devil out of you. Ritalin was used to tame wild kids, psychotherapy was used for symptomatic treatment in adults. It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I was put on a stimulant to try. It was literally an hallelujah moment when I tried the first day. Suddenly the clouds cleared and work became easier, life became manageable, and I was calm enough to have a conversation without consciously trying to control each body part from trying to move. I didn't realize it at the time, but this one pill did all of the ritualistic things I have always done to control myself. I didnt have to drink pots of coffee (caffeine works) and I didnt have to be compulsive with orderkeeping. But it came too late. By the time I was prescribed I had already become a benzo addict. Xanax was the only thing that calmed me down because it sedated me enough to be able to do anything. It controlled me, even if it dumbed me down. I took the duh effect as unfortunate but necessary. I fell madly in love with the duh effect.
I became a slave to it and it was my security blanket. It was so easy to become addicted. I didn't worry about it because I figured that since it was my only addiction, I never drank or did drugs, I would just live with it. I took them both - which was ineffective in itself because a stimulant is rendered useless when coupled with a sedative. And then when the stimulant interfered with my Xanax abuse I gave up the stimulant. Stupid move to give up the means to my sanity to go with what had become my obsession. But that is addiction and Xanax was my fix.
All was not lost though. I am not a stupid person when I am not in the duh effect. I gave up Xanax when it was clear to me that continued use would jeopardize my marriage, family and relationships. I was told point blank - stop or you are out of here. So I stopped. I thought I would go back to stimulants but I was terrified I would become addicted (let's be honest, stimulants are prescription Speed). So I did the next logical thing I could to get back the duh effect - turned to drinking. Alcohol was used as a replacement to Xanax. I drank myself into alcoholism before I decided to go back on stimulants. But by then I was already hooked on wine. That is a whole other story.
I was clean from Xanax for 4 years. It however was my drug of choice. It was what I craved and that craving was only somewhat satisfied by wine. To this day if you gave me a bottle of my favorite wine or one Xanax I would take the Xanax.
I relapsed last year. I was on Stimulants, so I believed my ADHD was controlled, but I was drinking too much. So I thought Xanax would stop me from drinking. But then I remembered that Xanax was prohibited. So I did something that seemed logical, I got a prescription for Klonopin. It wasn't Xanax, right? So what if it was THE SAME THING with a different name on the bottle? I got away with it.
Too bad I kept on drinking. I was then addicted to two things and combining them is lethal. I drank and used right into Rock Bottom #1 and Rock Bottom #2. Then rehab, 95 days clean, and then this post.
I am still looking to replace my fix. Alcohol is out, stimulants are addicting but they don't give me the duh effect I learned to love, and frankly, I will never find a replacement for my DOC.
What I struggle with today is that I DON'T WANT TO. I don't want to think about it, have dreams about it, think of ways to get, or long for it like a long forgotten lover. I am SO DONE with it. I will never take it again, but how much longer do I have to deal with obsessive thinking? I hate it. So done. Want it gone. I don't think about alcohol. I don't think about Adderall. I think about Xanax and hate myself for it.
So there is my benzo story and how I became an alcoholic. I know everyone will understand obsession so I thought I would post.
It is long, sorry. I love writing and can get longwinded.
my alcohol abuse is a secondary problem for me, my obsession with pharmaceuticals is the real super villain in my story. I post about alcohol because it is a means to connect with everyone because alcohol is the most common vice here. Please don't misunderstand, I am an alcoholic, but that came upon as a replacement to pill popping and my abuse of it only happened when my pez dispenser ran empty. I am not going to stop talking booze, but this post isn't about it. However, I am sure everyone can understand because it is not about the abuse of something, rather it is the obsessive thinking behind it.
I am in recovery, 95 days, but my obsessive thinking hasn't changed enough yet. I am working really hard on it but maybe I am not being patient enough because I want it gone and I want it gone now. It is consuming energy that I can't afford to let go of. It drives the stinking thinking in me.
Going to get long now.
But we all have a drug of choice and mine are benzos - the pathway to suppressing the CNS. I have full blown ADHD of the worst kind. It affects every area of my life and I have to consciously work to keep it caged up like the beast it is. I have spoken about it here, but usually as a joke. That is what a lot of people think it is for adults because only kids get it. It is commonly used as an excuse for not performing or being lazy or acting frazzled. Well, this Bug has had it since early childhood and you don't just outgrow it. It doesn't go away when you become an adult.
A little background:
Now I am not the young ingenue I play on TV. When I was a kid ADHD was something only doctors knew about, teachers weren't equipped to deal with it, mothers didn't know about it, there were no school services, and the only treatment was detention for being a bad kid. There wasn't a label to assign and kids were just branded troublemakers and told to lay off the soda and sugar.
I suffered through childhood and early adulthood believing I was one of those kids. I was put into sports to give my hyperactivity an outlet. I had to spend more time on my studies so that my grades stayed up. I had to become an overachiever in order to feel good about myself. It was exhausting, debilitating and demoralizing. I just thought I was lazy, stupid and a pain to be around. I drove myself into the ground trying to treat myself when I didn't even know I had an actual disorder of any kind.
It wasn't until I went through a smorgasbord of psychological testing in my 20s that I had a name for it. But even then doctors were not keen on medical options for adults so they just put you in CBT and tried to drive the devil out of you. Ritalin was used to tame wild kids, psychotherapy was used for symptomatic treatment in adults. It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I was put on a stimulant to try. It was literally an hallelujah moment when I tried the first day. Suddenly the clouds cleared and work became easier, life became manageable, and I was calm enough to have a conversation without consciously trying to control each body part from trying to move. I didn't realize it at the time, but this one pill did all of the ritualistic things I have always done to control myself. I didnt have to drink pots of coffee (caffeine works) and I didnt have to be compulsive with orderkeeping. But it came too late. By the time I was prescribed I had already become a benzo addict. Xanax was the only thing that calmed me down because it sedated me enough to be able to do anything. It controlled me, even if it dumbed me down. I took the duh effect as unfortunate but necessary. I fell madly in love with the duh effect.
I became a slave to it and it was my security blanket. It was so easy to become addicted. I didn't worry about it because I figured that since it was my only addiction, I never drank or did drugs, I would just live with it. I took them both - which was ineffective in itself because a stimulant is rendered useless when coupled with a sedative. And then when the stimulant interfered with my Xanax abuse I gave up the stimulant. Stupid move to give up the means to my sanity to go with what had become my obsession. But that is addiction and Xanax was my fix.
All was not lost though. I am not a stupid person when I am not in the duh effect. I gave up Xanax when it was clear to me that continued use would jeopardize my marriage, family and relationships. I was told point blank - stop or you are out of here. So I stopped. I thought I would go back to stimulants but I was terrified I would become addicted (let's be honest, stimulants are prescription Speed). So I did the next logical thing I could to get back the duh effect - turned to drinking. Alcohol was used as a replacement to Xanax. I drank myself into alcoholism before I decided to go back on stimulants. But by then I was already hooked on wine. That is a whole other story.
I was clean from Xanax for 4 years. It however was my drug of choice. It was what I craved and that craving was only somewhat satisfied by wine. To this day if you gave me a bottle of my favorite wine or one Xanax I would take the Xanax.
I relapsed last year. I was on Stimulants, so I believed my ADHD was controlled, but I was drinking too much. So I thought Xanax would stop me from drinking. But then I remembered that Xanax was prohibited. So I did something that seemed logical, I got a prescription for Klonopin. It wasn't Xanax, right? So what if it was THE SAME THING with a different name on the bottle? I got away with it.
Too bad I kept on drinking. I was then addicted to two things and combining them is lethal. I drank and used right into Rock Bottom #1 and Rock Bottom #2. Then rehab, 95 days clean, and then this post.
I am still looking to replace my fix. Alcohol is out, stimulants are addicting but they don't give me the duh effect I learned to love, and frankly, I will never find a replacement for my DOC.
What I struggle with today is that I DON'T WANT TO. I don't want to think about it, have dreams about it, think of ways to get, or long for it like a long forgotten lover. I am SO DONE with it. I will never take it again, but how much longer do I have to deal with obsessive thinking? I hate it. So done. Want it gone. I don't think about alcohol. I don't think about Adderall. I think about Xanax and hate myself for it.
So there is my benzo story and how I became an alcoholic. I know everyone will understand obsession so I thought I would post.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Thank-you Bug. Well written and informative. You've been through a lot!
I can relate to the ADHD issue so well...because I've been married to it for 31 years! My husband and his entire family except his Dad. The thing is....they are all very very smart and that is something that drew me to my husband in the first place. Another thing is that they will talk openly about anything and don't have that family habit of sweeping issues under the rug. They are very expressive. It's challenging though at times when I just WISH they would slow down a bit and "calm down" and listen better.
But ADDers don't "just calm down". My MIL was on Valium in the late 60's or early 70's for "nerves"...Valium being then what Xanax is today, both benzo's AND frequently prescribed. I just wish ADHD was understood better and I wish there was a medication that wasn't a narcotic to treat it.
I can relate to the ADHD issue so well...because I've been married to it for 31 years! My husband and his entire family except his Dad. The thing is....they are all very very smart and that is something that drew me to my husband in the first place. Another thing is that they will talk openly about anything and don't have that family habit of sweeping issues under the rug. They are very expressive. It's challenging though at times when I just WISH they would slow down a bit and "calm down" and listen better.
But ADDers don't "just calm down". My MIL was on Valium in the late 60's or early 70's for "nerves"...Valium being then what Xanax is today, both benzo's AND frequently prescribed. I just wish ADHD was understood better and I wish there was a medication that wasn't a narcotic to treat it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
I am still looking to REPLACE my fix. - REPLACE the fix with healthy habits, correct meds/therapy and
Alcohol is out, stimulants are addicting but they don't give me the duh effect I LEARNED to love, - LEARN to love life & oneself without the drugged/duh effect
and frankly, I will NEVER find a replacement for my DOC. - NEVER try to find a replacement, there never is anything that will recreate those feelings from the past, draw a line and say NEVER again, finding healthy new ways of coping and retrain the brain to live with healthy addictions, I've seen loads of suggestions for things to do differently on these boards.
It can be a long road to recovery and a very bumpy ride, especially in the beginning of the journey where things feel new and uncomfortable, I've found the more support I can get from all sources is the best way forward: SR is great and available all the time, looking after mind, body and soul is not an easy task after addiction but there is hope, support and a different way of living which can be found, however uncomfortable in the beginning.
Have you read Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpney? I've found the AVRT method works well for learning NEVER again!
Eating healthy, getting good sleep and exercise are all basic but not always easy.
Escape from reality was what I wanted but could NEVER sustain, learning to make a reality I can live in safely is more important for my health and learning as much as I can about me and my addictions helps.
Keep on keeping on, you CAN do this!
<CSIHelper: 0x1682df60>
Alcohol is out, stimulants are addicting but they don't give me the duh effect I LEARNED to love, - LEARN to love life & oneself without the drugged/duh effect
and frankly, I will NEVER find a replacement for my DOC. - NEVER try to find a replacement, there never is anything that will recreate those feelings from the past, draw a line and say NEVER again, finding healthy new ways of coping and retrain the brain to live with healthy addictions, I've seen loads of suggestions for things to do differently on these boards.
It can be a long road to recovery and a very bumpy ride, especially in the beginning of the journey where things feel new and uncomfortable, I've found the more support I can get from all sources is the best way forward: SR is great and available all the time, looking after mind, body and soul is not an easy task after addiction but there is hope, support and a different way of living which can be found, however uncomfortable in the beginning.
Have you read Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpney? I've found the AVRT method works well for learning NEVER again!
Eating healthy, getting good sleep and exercise are all basic but not always easy.
Escape from reality was what I wanted but could NEVER sustain, learning to make a reality I can live in safely is more important for my health and learning as much as I can about me and my addictions helps.
Keep on keeping on, you CAN do this!
<CSIHelper: 0x1682df60>
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
I am in recovery, 95 days, but my obsessive thinking hasn't changed enough yet. I am working really hard on it but maybe I am not being patient enough because I want it gone and I want it gone now. It is consuming energy that I can't afford to let go of. It drives the stinking thinking in me.
Also, a craving is what it is. Actions are what count. Obsessive thoughts are involuntary. Does it make sense to beat yourself up about something beyond your control?
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