Just discovered my spouse hid a 9 month long heroin habit from me!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 2
Just discovered my spouse hid a 9 month long heroin habit from me!
Hi everyone,
I've never done anything like this before, but I feel I really need help!
I'm 31 and my boyfriend is 30. I discovered last week (by discovering the heroin in his pocket) that he's been hiding a heroin addiction from me for 9 months!
He's on anti-seizure meds (has epilepsy) so I always thought those "doped out" moments were due to that. Once he realized he had a cover up, he ran with it! He had an excuse for everything- he lost weight because he "jogs and diets." He stayed in the bathroom for 20-30 minutes at a time because he "likes to relax and watch YouTube videos on the iPhone." Part of me thinks, "HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND," but that's neither here nor there right now.
Towards the end of the 9 months, I started to know SOMETHING was wrong. He looked and acted absolutely different. When I found the heroin, he sobbingly confessed to the 9 month long habit of sometimes as much as $150 worth of heroin a day! I was shocked beyond belief. Hurt, betrayed, duped, lied to. So much pain I can't even explain. We do not have children but we planned on that. He was my assistant manager at the music venue I run, so the absence of him now has made my work load double as well as left a huge void in my heart.
The reason he's absent now- and this is the GOOD NEWS- he's in an inpatient 28-day rehab program.
I'm just battling constantly with whether or not I should give him another chance when he gets out. Has anyone here been through this? I've only ever dabbled with drugs (never heroin), and other than cigarettes, I've never had a drug addiction. I love him like crazy, but how do I reconcile with all the pain his lies and addiction have caused me?
I've never done anything like this before, but I feel I really need help!
I'm 31 and my boyfriend is 30. I discovered last week (by discovering the heroin in his pocket) that he's been hiding a heroin addiction from me for 9 months!
He's on anti-seizure meds (has epilepsy) so I always thought those "doped out" moments were due to that. Once he realized he had a cover up, he ran with it! He had an excuse for everything- he lost weight because he "jogs and diets." He stayed in the bathroom for 20-30 minutes at a time because he "likes to relax and watch YouTube videos on the iPhone." Part of me thinks, "HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND," but that's neither here nor there right now.
Towards the end of the 9 months, I started to know SOMETHING was wrong. He looked and acted absolutely different. When I found the heroin, he sobbingly confessed to the 9 month long habit of sometimes as much as $150 worth of heroin a day! I was shocked beyond belief. Hurt, betrayed, duped, lied to. So much pain I can't even explain. We do not have children but we planned on that. He was my assistant manager at the music venue I run, so the absence of him now has made my work load double as well as left a huge void in my heart.
The reason he's absent now- and this is the GOOD NEWS- he's in an inpatient 28-day rehab program.
I'm just battling constantly with whether or not I should give him another chance when he gets out. Has anyone here been through this? I've only ever dabbled with drugs (never heroin), and other than cigarettes, I've never had a drug addiction. I love him like crazy, but how do I reconcile with all the pain his lies and addiction have caused me?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Welcome Lisa! Sorry about your reasons for being here. You might want to copy this post and post it in the Friends and Family Substance abuse section too. You are more than welcome here too, but this will allow you to get both perspectives (from the addicts side and the family's side too).
I am also a Heroin addict. I used for much longer than your boyfriend (if he is being truthful that is). Opiates can be a very difficult drug to kick and Heroin is one of the most addictive drugs on the planet so you both have your hands full. That is great that he decided to get help no matter what his motivation behind it was although who's to say how long it would have carried on if he did not get busted. It is hard to say if he is truly ready to get clean or if he felt backed into a corner with no other choice.
I can't tell you what you should or should not do, but my advice would be to take it slow. You might want to put a hold on the idea of having kids with this man. I am not sure how long you have been married, but obviously this is going to change the dynamics of your relationship quite a bit. Most people don't just jump right into using heroin. Often times it starts out with pain pills or some other type of opiate before making the leap. It sounds like where you work might be a dangerous place for him. He is going to have to be fully committed to his recovery when he gets out to stand a chance of getting past this.
If I were you I would learn as much as I could about addiction so you know what you are up against. You might also want to get some help for yourself. Maybe a therapist that you can talk to and help you process what is going on. You are probably going to want to set some boundries for what you will and will not accept moving forward. It is important for you to follow through on whatever you do decide. Do not say if you use again you have to move out etc. and then allow it to keep happening. Make sure you are prepared to do whatever it is you say you are going to do.
I put my wife through hell. I think if she could go back in time she would have let me go, but we do have kids together which does make it more difficult. Things are good today and I have over a year clean, but it took me 7 years to get to this point. Hopefully this is his bottom, but you just never can tell. Obviously him going into treatment is a good sign, but the odds are not really in his favor so you have to be realistic too.
Good luck and take care of yourself!!!
I am also a Heroin addict. I used for much longer than your boyfriend (if he is being truthful that is). Opiates can be a very difficult drug to kick and Heroin is one of the most addictive drugs on the planet so you both have your hands full. That is great that he decided to get help no matter what his motivation behind it was although who's to say how long it would have carried on if he did not get busted. It is hard to say if he is truly ready to get clean or if he felt backed into a corner with no other choice.
I can't tell you what you should or should not do, but my advice would be to take it slow. You might want to put a hold on the idea of having kids with this man. I am not sure how long you have been married, but obviously this is going to change the dynamics of your relationship quite a bit. Most people don't just jump right into using heroin. Often times it starts out with pain pills or some other type of opiate before making the leap. It sounds like where you work might be a dangerous place for him. He is going to have to be fully committed to his recovery when he gets out to stand a chance of getting past this.
If I were you I would learn as much as I could about addiction so you know what you are up against. You might also want to get some help for yourself. Maybe a therapist that you can talk to and help you process what is going on. You are probably going to want to set some boundries for what you will and will not accept moving forward. It is important for you to follow through on whatever you do decide. Do not say if you use again you have to move out etc. and then allow it to keep happening. Make sure you are prepared to do whatever it is you say you are going to do.
I put my wife through hell. I think if she could go back in time she would have let me go, but we do have kids together which does make it more difficult. Things are good today and I have over a year clean, but it took me 7 years to get to this point. Hopefully this is his bottom, but you just never can tell. Obviously him going into treatment is a good sign, but the odds are not really in his favor so you have to be realistic too.
Good luck and take care of yourself!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Omaha, NE
Posts: 87
Hello! I am a drug addict/alcoholic. I was a pill popper and my spouse did not know that I was overusing my pills. I went to treatment and he did not support me. One, because he thought I could save money and learn to use appropriately. Long story short, I craved his love and support. Just to understand me and he never did. He thought my recovery was a joke and we ended up divorcing after 13 years of marriage and 5 children.
What I am trying to say is that by you standing by your man that is willing to get help is amazing. I can only imagine the betrayal you must feel.... You might want to seek Alanon, because the only person that you can change is you. And you must take care of yourself first! Take Care and God Bless.
What I am trying to say is that by you standing by your man that is willing to get help is amazing. I can only imagine the betrayal you must feel.... You might want to seek Alanon, because the only person that you can change is you. And you must take care of yourself first! Take Care and God Bless.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 2
Marcus, thanks for the direction (I'm new to this message board thing), and thanks for the insights.
nfijules, thank you as well.
I hope the both of you find the help and continued support you need because, from what I have learned, it's a long journey with lots of bumpy parts.
I visited with my spouse today at rehab and had a counseling session. It's been determined that he will not move back in with me after his 28 days are up. He will either chill out at his parents' for a while to try and stabilize or he will go to a halfway house to work his way back into a "normal" life. As much as my heart aches for him to be right back with me, I know I can't have him back so soon. I need to see that he can stand strong on his own before I let him back in completely. However, I will continue to show up for anytime I'm able to visit at rehab and I will also show support for his sobriety in any way I can. I don't want to lose him, but my trust is too broken to take him back so quickly.
nfijules, thank you as well.
I hope the both of you find the help and continued support you need because, from what I have learned, it's a long journey with lots of bumpy parts.
I visited with my spouse today at rehab and had a counseling session. It's been determined that he will not move back in with me after his 28 days are up. He will either chill out at his parents' for a while to try and stabilize or he will go to a halfway house to work his way back into a "normal" life. As much as my heart aches for him to be right back with me, I know I can't have him back so soon. I need to see that he can stand strong on his own before I let him back in completely. However, I will continue to show up for anytime I'm able to visit at rehab and I will also show support for his sobriety in any way I can. I don't want to lose him, but my trust is too broken to take him back so quickly.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
My husband had an opiate based pain med addiction. He added a few other drugs before he was done. He started due to a legitimate prescription after an injury and several surgeries. But he couldnt really hide it because it changed his behavior. I know it is very hard not to take it personally, but his hiding the drug use IMO was just to protect it, to avoid confrontation with you, even maybe to make it real.
Really good news he is in rehab. My husband did rehab also, and when he got out continued with some private therapy. He will have a year clean this month.
We did end up seperating for a while when he was acitvely using, there was some damage done to our relationship, but I never gave up on him in my heart.
Once he asked for help, and it was obvious that he wanted to get better, I then supported him as best I could. His rehab also had counseling for me, and we also did marriage counseling. So if you have options for that through his rehab, I would suggest taking them up on it.
People can recover, many on this forum are proof of this. But it takes time, and sometimes there are setbacks. So I would suggest taking things slow for a while, but continue to offer as much support as you feel comfortable with.
Really good news he is in rehab. My husband did rehab also, and when he got out continued with some private therapy. He will have a year clean this month.
We did end up seperating for a while when he was acitvely using, there was some damage done to our relationship, but I never gave up on him in my heart.
Once he asked for help, and it was obvious that he wanted to get better, I then supported him as best I could. His rehab also had counseling for me, and we also did marriage counseling. So if you have options for that through his rehab, I would suggest taking them up on it.
People can recover, many on this forum are proof of this. But it takes time, and sometimes there are setbacks. So I would suggest taking things slow for a while, but continue to offer as much support as you feel comfortable with.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 21
I'm so glad you're here, and I hope he's getting the help he needs. A halfway house is a very good idea for him, because P.A.W.S. is really tough emotionally. The effects of using opiates lasts for a long time, and it may make staying clean hard for him after such a short stay in treatment.
Anyway, welcome! I hope you find exactly what you need here.
Anyway, welcome! I hope you find exactly what you need here.
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