icelin

I am not to sure what I am doing at the moment. I am a pill junkie. Pain pills mainly. Hydros, Oxys, what ever I can get my hands on. 18 days ago my world exploded and I found myself ready to just give up and die. I really cant tell you exactly which devastation lead me to my decision but I took my last pain pill. I stopped cold turkey after 3 years of every day extreme use. This has been the worst 18 days of my life. Today is the first Ive been able to really get out of bed and Im forcing myself to do that. I have been to the hospital a couple of times because the cold turkey detox has been horrific but some where along the way I found hope. I am no where near able to say I am sober because every day is a struggle to even breath. My daughter turned 18 this month and she wasnt even with her family because she walked away from me and what I have become. My best friend left with her the same day for the same reasons. Now that I am able to think clear in spurts *still detoxing I guess* I am seeing who I have been the last three years and I am not liking it lemme tell ya. I dont know yet how this happened. I am just trying to heal and feel like I can stand up. I have also asked for mental help with professionals so that I can fix things with in my self. The things that lead me to this destruction. I am not scared of failing or slipping I am scared of what I have lost. My kids and my best friend were the air I breath and only my son stands with me of the 3. He stands there with my 9 month old granddaughter waiting for me to be able to play with her again. Why cant I focus on that? Why am I so focused on what I have lost? I honestly dont know who I am.

looking4oldme

My heart goes out to you. I dont know why we as humans tend to focus on things we've lost and not what we have.

I am on day 30 from norcos and I feel alot better, I struggle constantly with getting to know myself again, its like meeting a stranger. I am right there with you on not liking who I was. But im also finding out that I like who I am now. There are moments when I still make myself go through the motions of life when all I want to do is lay down, and for me it only seems to last about 20 minutes and then im off being a busy body. The key for me is staying busy, making myself do stuff. Have you tried that?

Im so sorry about your daughter and best friend.

Please keep posting, I have a thread that I just babble on constantly and it really helps. Admiting the things I am too embarassed to admit and then finding out other people have done the same, or have the same issues is in a way liberating.

You'll find yourself, and if you cant.. maybe start building a brand new better you.

Congratulations on day 18, I personally think that is a great achievement.

icelin

Thank you so much for your reply. This has been hell for me. It is kind of scary 18 days ago I was ready to die and saw no joy in life, not even in my granddaughter and now here I am reaching out (which is NOT like me) trying to stay alive. I know I have things to admit to but there are also things to be taken to my grave. I am still so fresh and new to this drug free world and I am still detoxing I have moments of rational thought then Im having a panic attack 5 mins later. I am at this mixed up point where I dont know whats from Detox and what the drugs have been covering up for the last 3 years. I know my legs hurting and insomnia and nausea are all detox but not wanting to get out of bed, feeling to weak to walk to the kitchen, crying constantly, begging god to bring back what I lost, I dunno if its detox or mental. Well I know some is mental or I wouldnt be in this condition to begin with. I wont even touch my granddaughter and I dont know why. I do an intake at a mental health place this week and I actually have a psych degree myself which is ironic isnt it, I am just having a hard time figuring out what is the drugs or lack of and what is real in my head. I am a tough person in the sense I will fight brawl whatever, and now I am scared constantly, not of a person hurting me but of the world in general. I just want to sleep. I want my body and my mind to relax and just sleep. I am so tired I feel like I havent slept in 18 days. I only sleep in spurts and when I do that its only for an hour or two at a time cuz my legs hurts so bad and I just wake up scared. Scared of not having what I have lost.

looking4oldme

Im glad you are reaching out to doctors and on sr. I understand what you mean, sometimes I still feel like im tetter tottering on the border of insanity.

I work with children, and the first few days of detoxing I can remember looking at their smiling faces and wondering "how can they be so happy sober?".

Don't be so hard on yourself. Your doing the right thing now, keep it up. It should get a little better everyday!