I thought weed quit together
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
Keep up the support guys, this is really good.
Today, I am smiling. Last night I went home with a plan - a plan for me, for the kids, and for sanity.
I went home in a better mood than I have been in for a long while. I was given new understanding. I have let myself live in the shadow of AH's addiction, and brought my kids to stand beside me. I won't do that anymore. I am going to need lots of encouragement, and support to keep moving forward with this.
Here's what I did - I greeted my kids at the door when they got home from daycare, I gave them all, individually, warm hugs and smiles infused with all the love I have for them. I stopped what I was doing and listened to the thoughts they walked through the door with. I made a quick and easy dinner, and against all of my rules, we watched a movie while we ate - just this once. I had them have a shower before dinner, and after dinner they got to watch the rest of the movie before bed. I tucked them in and instead of letting them play with toys, I settled them to sleep. There was no yelling, no one went to bed sad. This morning I woke them one by one, and let them sit and snuggle for 2 minutes before getting them dressed.
When DS pulled a fit, I was patient for longer than I have been in a long time lately, and even when I'd lost my cool, I didn't scream at him, I just told him I wasn't going to continue the conversation because I'd already given him an answer.
I didn't get mad at AH for being too tired and sluggish to get up, but I did push when it was going to make me late for work. I was late anyways, but only a few minutes. I'll make them up at lunch.
I am going to try a little bit more everyday to make it so that I am a constant, stable, loving parent. I am going to consider options, and consequences of each option.
I understand now that not changing anything is an option, that I have chosen that option, and that the consequences of that decision are on my head. I signed up for the situation I am in and no one can change it but me.
I can't stop him from smoking up, I can't stop him from going out, I can't stop him from spending his pay on it because I'm not in control of him. Even if I take the money, there's always a way to get what you want, I know I always found a way to get it, even when I had no money.
What has happened has happened; what will happen is yet to be determined...
Today, I am smiling. Last night I went home with a plan - a plan for me, for the kids, and for sanity.
I went home in a better mood than I have been in for a long while. I was given new understanding. I have let myself live in the shadow of AH's addiction, and brought my kids to stand beside me. I won't do that anymore. I am going to need lots of encouragement, and support to keep moving forward with this.
Here's what I did - I greeted my kids at the door when they got home from daycare, I gave them all, individually, warm hugs and smiles infused with all the love I have for them. I stopped what I was doing and listened to the thoughts they walked through the door with. I made a quick and easy dinner, and against all of my rules, we watched a movie while we ate - just this once. I had them have a shower before dinner, and after dinner they got to watch the rest of the movie before bed. I tucked them in and instead of letting them play with toys, I settled them to sleep. There was no yelling, no one went to bed sad. This morning I woke them one by one, and let them sit and snuggle for 2 minutes before getting them dressed.
When DS pulled a fit, I was patient for longer than I have been in a long time lately, and even when I'd lost my cool, I didn't scream at him, I just told him I wasn't going to continue the conversation because I'd already given him an answer.
I didn't get mad at AH for being too tired and sluggish to get up, but I did push when it was going to make me late for work. I was late anyways, but only a few minutes. I'll make them up at lunch.
I am going to try a little bit more everyday to make it so that I am a constant, stable, loving parent. I am going to consider options, and consequences of each option.
I understand now that not changing anything is an option, that I have chosen that option, and that the consequences of that decision are on my head. I signed up for the situation I am in and no one can change it but me.
I can't stop him from smoking up, I can't stop him from going out, I can't stop him from spending his pay on it because I'm not in control of him. Even if I take the money, there's always a way to get what you want, I know I always found a way to get it, even when I had no money.
What has happened has happened; what will happen is yet to be determined...
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,375
It sounds like you are the rock of stability there. You should be very proud of doing the right thing for yourself and the ones you love.
I'd like to talk some sense into your SO. A good person is hard to find and he is working towards losing one, you.
I'd like to talk some sense into your SO. A good person is hard to find and he is working towards losing one, you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
All i can do is keep trying, write this stuff down when I am feeling strong, and read it again when I am weak.
I walk down the hallways, ride the bus, go through the mall, and all the while I am looking at other men, pretending that they see the pain in my eyes and rescue me from this hell. It's not that I want to be unfaithful, don't get me wrong. It's just that I wish I was not where I am. of course I wish AH was who I know he is, without his DOC.
Here is the big admission - I have, on more than one occaision, thought "oh well, I don't care anymore that he won't wear his seatbelt, maybe he'll do us all a favour".
I have decided to start making sure I take care of my health, particularly my mental health. I have been so angry with him, so completely destroyed that I have aching in my heart, thrills like going over a hill in my stomach, and weird feelings in my arms. I can't let things get that bad - what if I end up in the hospital, what will happen to my kids?
I am not saying they would not be fed, AH would not leave them at home alone, they would have clothes on and get to school and daycare, but who would listen to their ideas and fears? Who would snuggle with them? Who would put their own self aside to give to them? Who would protect them from the yelling, and from toys being broken as punishment and . ..
I walk down the hallways, ride the bus, go through the mall, and all the while I am looking at other men, pretending that they see the pain in my eyes and rescue me from this hell. It's not that I want to be unfaithful, don't get me wrong. It's just that I wish I was not where I am. of course I wish AH was who I know he is, without his DOC.
Here is the big admission - I have, on more than one occaision, thought "oh well, I don't care anymore that he won't wear his seatbelt, maybe he'll do us all a favour".
I have decided to start making sure I take care of my health, particularly my mental health. I have been so angry with him, so completely destroyed that I have aching in my heart, thrills like going over a hill in my stomach, and weird feelings in my arms. I can't let things get that bad - what if I end up in the hospital, what will happen to my kids?
I am not saying they would not be fed, AH would not leave them at home alone, they would have clothes on and get to school and daycare, but who would listen to their ideas and fears? Who would snuggle with them? Who would put their own self aside to give to them? Who would protect them from the yelling, and from toys being broken as punishment and . ..
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,375
From reading your posts, I can tell the stress you are under. The man needs to put stuff right at home or he won't like the result. You're hanging in there and that's strong stuff but everybody has a limit.
Pat yourself on the back for the strength and will you are showing. These good deeds are going to come back to you someday when you need help.
Good on you for realizing you have to care for yourself too. There are some folks counting on you and you have to have the good mental and physical health needed to face these challenges. I know everyone here is very proud of you.
Pat yourself on the back for the strength and will you are showing. These good deeds are going to come back to you someday when you need help.
Good on you for realizing you have to care for yourself too. There are some folks counting on you and you have to have the good mental and physical health needed to face these challenges. I know everyone here is very proud of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
I have said more than once "It's okay, I can do this, I will be supermom for my kids". And then, in a short time, I am falling apart again.
It takes so much energy, so much concentration to not fall back into the old ways, the old traps.
I will go to counselling again in two weeks. In the meantime, I will try to stick to my new ideas, learn to have self respect again, and keep reading and posting.
It takes so much energy, so much concentration to not fall back into the old ways, the old traps.
I will go to counselling again in two weeks. In the meantime, I will try to stick to my new ideas, learn to have self respect again, and keep reading and posting.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
I have been having a terrible time keeping calm with the kids. I have a good day, and then a bad one. They don't listen to me anymore. I used to have such polite children. Now they don't listen, don't answer me when I call their names.
I got a note home from DD1's teacher yesterday, second week of JK, already "your child is not listening, and does not follow school rules".
Last night was a good night for the kids and I. I stayed calm, forced myself to do everything that needed to be done, didn't call across the house for the kids, instead went to talk to them. Made a major effort to complement DD1 on everything she did right, didn't threaten, just counted calmly if they didn'T behave and then put them on time out.
They went to bed happy, went to sleep within 8 minutes, no getting out of bed 3 million times. IT IS SO HARD TO KEEP THAT UP. Especially since AH was home, out of weed or whatever else, and laying in bed on his FACE again. It makes me so angry that he is right there, and could be helping out, but isn't. Last night the excuse was "they don't listen to me, and you won't let me hit them" so he wouldn't help. REALLY?!!!
I got a note home from DD1's teacher yesterday, second week of JK, already "your child is not listening, and does not follow school rules".
Last night was a good night for the kids and I. I stayed calm, forced myself to do everything that needed to be done, didn't call across the house for the kids, instead went to talk to them. Made a major effort to complement DD1 on everything she did right, didn't threaten, just counted calmly if they didn'T behave and then put them on time out.
They went to bed happy, went to sleep within 8 minutes, no getting out of bed 3 million times. IT IS SO HARD TO KEEP THAT UP. Especially since AH was home, out of weed or whatever else, and laying in bed on his FACE again. It makes me so angry that he is right there, and could be helping out, but isn't. Last night the excuse was "they don't listen to me, and you won't let me hit them" so he wouldn't help. REALLY?!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
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I was out drinking with relatives over the weekend. I split a bottle with BIL who drinks a lot more than I do, so I figured that'd be alright and I could avoid a hang-over. I don't really drink too much anymore, haven't since college. I do like to get a glow on in the summer around the campfire, that sort of thing. My parents are both alcoholics, and I never want to end up tied to a bottle, the way I was tied to weed.
Anyhow, BIL lit a cig and I experienced one of those cravings from out of nowhere. I wanted a smoke so badly! I didn'T do it though, because as much as I wanted a smoke (haven't smoked cigs in probably 15 years, but always had tobaco in my joints), I figured it would probably not mix well with the booze and I'd end up getting sick. THank God for moments of clarity!!!
All this to say that I guess you never get cured of an addiction. I have brief, passing moments when I want a cig, think Yeah, I could take a hit of that joint, it's a party, everything in moderation. So far I have been able to grab that little thought by the neck and choke it silly until it promises to go away. ..for now.
AH is still smoking, thinks I don't know. he thinks he is so good at hiding it! He has been an hour late for work two days in a row now, and I am just waiting for the "I got fired" phone call. This morning on the way to work he nearly crashed into the car next to us, because he was screwing around with his phone and not watching the road. Add to that the fact that he was out until 11 or so, and I think I managed to drag him out of bed at 6, so he probably only got maybe 5 hours of sleep, could be 4 once he actually got to bed and to sleep. Spent all night grinding his teeth and doing that ANOYING short harsh single cough. .. all things he doesn't do when he's not using. I'M sure he was a zombie behind the wheel in the first place.
Waiting for him to go to the screening and referral service for treatment next week. He doesn't go, I'm gone. He comes back and says he doesn't need treatment, I'm gone. The only acceptable answer at this point is "I'm going to therapy" or even better "I'm going to rehab". The guy has no coping skills, and every word out of his mouth is a lie. How is that all going to magically get better, just because he quits smoking weed (or whatever it is he is doing).
Anyhow, BIL lit a cig and I experienced one of those cravings from out of nowhere. I wanted a smoke so badly! I didn'T do it though, because as much as I wanted a smoke (haven't smoked cigs in probably 15 years, but always had tobaco in my joints), I figured it would probably not mix well with the booze and I'd end up getting sick. THank God for moments of clarity!!!
All this to say that I guess you never get cured of an addiction. I have brief, passing moments when I want a cig, think Yeah, I could take a hit of that joint, it's a party, everything in moderation. So far I have been able to grab that little thought by the neck and choke it silly until it promises to go away. ..for now.
AH is still smoking, thinks I don't know. he thinks he is so good at hiding it! He has been an hour late for work two days in a row now, and I am just waiting for the "I got fired" phone call. This morning on the way to work he nearly crashed into the car next to us, because he was screwing around with his phone and not watching the road. Add to that the fact that he was out until 11 or so, and I think I managed to drag him out of bed at 6, so he probably only got maybe 5 hours of sleep, could be 4 once he actually got to bed and to sleep. Spent all night grinding his teeth and doing that ANOYING short harsh single cough. .. all things he doesn't do when he's not using. I'M sure he was a zombie behind the wheel in the first place.
Waiting for him to go to the screening and referral service for treatment next week. He doesn't go, I'm gone. He comes back and says he doesn't need treatment, I'm gone. The only acceptable answer at this point is "I'm going to therapy" or even better "I'm going to rehab". The guy has no coping skills, and every word out of his mouth is a lie. How is that all going to magically get better, just because he quits smoking weed (or whatever it is he is doing).
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: The South
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It's possible you could have taken one hit of the joint and been fine. But I don't think its sustainable. Of all the recovering potheads I know, none have been successful at smoking in moderation.
And you're right, abstinence doesn't make all these problems go away. But good recovery involves learning new coping skills.
And you're right, abstinence doesn't make all these problems go away. But good recovery involves learning new coping skills.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
Just as an update, he did lose his job, because he did crash his work vehicle. He admits he was distracted. His driving record is now at a point where he can't get a driving job anymore and he has been unemployed since October.
He has not been living at the house, at my request, in a little over two weeks.
He has not been living at the house, at my request, in a little over two weeks.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 187
I've just caught up on your thread, and I want to say that I'm so sorry that your husband is still using and causing so much chaos. I too would like to know how you are hanging in there. Unfortunately as you know, you can do anything to change him. I hope you've still been working on yourself and being the best role model possible for your kids.
I think we all lose our cool occasionally as parents. I too need to work on that, and I have been. All we can do is make it a priority to continue to better ourselves. Cause we're worth it!
I think we all lose our cool occasionally as parents. I too need to work on that, and I have been. All we can do is make it a priority to continue to better ourselves. Cause we're worth it!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
Last week I was doing really well. The week before I was pretty down, since that was the first week he was gone and I couldn't get to work. I spoke to work and was able to make arrangements to work from home for a few days, some of the days were good, I felt pretty okay with it, some were harder because I knew that if I did not find a way to get to work by that weekend I would have to move in with my parents and change the kids' school, since they live more than an hour away, on the other side of the city.
I managed to find a carpool, the perfect fit! The daycare provider agreed to pick up the children and drop them off, and her schedule meshed with my new carpool schedule perfectly. I was feeling really good by then. My BIL offered to take me to do groceries on the weekends. I had all the basics covered.
AH came by on the weekends, and mostly it ended up in both of us being angry and him slamming the door on the way out.
Last week was peaceful in my house. I found myself smiling, and people at work started chatting with me in the halls. (Have I really been that unapproachable?!). This week AH has decided to sign the children up for activities in the evenings, so he can come and take them, and show me what a good father he is being. The kids are thrilled of course, but he has been at the house every night this week. I feel stressed, the daycare provider is telling me how badly the children are behaving again, I have not chatted with anyone at work.
It is hard to be a good role model when you are feeling miserable and pressured. AH says he now has his anger under control and should be allowed to come home. He is going to keep pressuring me, even said he was just going to come home even if I didn't want him there. He even tried to say he was going to make me leave the kids with him for two weeks and live somewhere else, so I could see how it feels. He went to his doctor for a drug screening so he can prove he isn't using. The problem is when you lie all the time about everything, even if you are trying to do something to get people to believe you, there is always doubt - did he bring in someone else's sample? Did he take some drink that hides the drugs (do those even work?), did he clean up just for the test, because he is the one who initiated it. ... to me it still won't prove anything.
DRUGS ARE EVIL.
They ruin lives. This affects not only AH, me and the kids, but all my family, all his family, our friends, coworkers, people in the store who see him pitching a fit, the people who he has crashed into while driving. ... and on and on. I am so glad that I got out when I did, and I won't ever go back. I have never had a problem with alcohol, I might get a twist on a few times around the fire in the summer, but I am even extra careful with that now, I never ever want to be a prisoner to anything again.
I need to be driving the bus, right now he is grabbing the wheel and trying to get control. I guess it comes down to hope and wishes. I was out of both when AH left the house, and I was going to do what had to be done. I know I can only control myself and not him. Then he had to go and get anger management - great so he hasn't thrown anything into or through the walls, and he hasn't called me any names - he also hasn't been there longre than 4 hours at a time. I keep hoping he really means it, wishing we could be the kind of family I want. I guess counselling is the next step, either we will be able to communicate, and work together, or communicate and agree it's over.
I am tired and just want to start the trip upwards to happiness, I want the children to be happy and carefree the way children are supposed to be able to be.
I managed to find a carpool, the perfect fit! The daycare provider agreed to pick up the children and drop them off, and her schedule meshed with my new carpool schedule perfectly. I was feeling really good by then. My BIL offered to take me to do groceries on the weekends. I had all the basics covered.
AH came by on the weekends, and mostly it ended up in both of us being angry and him slamming the door on the way out.
Last week was peaceful in my house. I found myself smiling, and people at work started chatting with me in the halls. (Have I really been that unapproachable?!). This week AH has decided to sign the children up for activities in the evenings, so he can come and take them, and show me what a good father he is being. The kids are thrilled of course, but he has been at the house every night this week. I feel stressed, the daycare provider is telling me how badly the children are behaving again, I have not chatted with anyone at work.
It is hard to be a good role model when you are feeling miserable and pressured. AH says he now has his anger under control and should be allowed to come home. He is going to keep pressuring me, even said he was just going to come home even if I didn't want him there. He even tried to say he was going to make me leave the kids with him for two weeks and live somewhere else, so I could see how it feels. He went to his doctor for a drug screening so he can prove he isn't using. The problem is when you lie all the time about everything, even if you are trying to do something to get people to believe you, there is always doubt - did he bring in someone else's sample? Did he take some drink that hides the drugs (do those even work?), did he clean up just for the test, because he is the one who initiated it. ... to me it still won't prove anything.
DRUGS ARE EVIL.
They ruin lives. This affects not only AH, me and the kids, but all my family, all his family, our friends, coworkers, people in the store who see him pitching a fit, the people who he has crashed into while driving. ... and on and on. I am so glad that I got out when I did, and I won't ever go back. I have never had a problem with alcohol, I might get a twist on a few times around the fire in the summer, but I am even extra careful with that now, I never ever want to be a prisoner to anything again.
I need to be driving the bus, right now he is grabbing the wheel and trying to get control. I guess it comes down to hope and wishes. I was out of both when AH left the house, and I was going to do what had to be done. I know I can only control myself and not him. Then he had to go and get anger management - great so he hasn't thrown anything into or through the walls, and he hasn't called me any names - he also hasn't been there longre than 4 hours at a time. I keep hoping he really means it, wishing we could be the kind of family I want. I guess counselling is the next step, either we will be able to communicate, and work together, or communicate and agree it's over.
I am tired and just want to start the trip upwards to happiness, I want the children to be happy and carefree the way children are supposed to be able to be.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 187
Big hugs! Have you visited the friends and family forum? Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
They might have better advice on how to deal with life with an addict. There are stickies at the top of the forum that can be very helpful. It sounds like you need to try to detach with love. That can mean several things, you can detach and still have him in the house, but it will take some work. Have you thought about attending any Alanon or Narcanon meetings? I think that if you can get him to agree to some couple's therapy, that would be a good start. Hang in there! Your life can be peaceful if you work for it. It won't be easy, but it'll be worth it!
They might have better advice on how to deal with life with an addict. There are stickies at the top of the forum that can be very helpful. It sounds like you need to try to detach with love. That can mean several things, you can detach and still have him in the house, but it will take some work. Have you thought about attending any Alanon or Narcanon meetings? I think that if you can get him to agree to some couple's therapy, that would be a good start. Hang in there! Your life can be peaceful if you work for it. It won't be easy, but it'll be worth it!
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