theysayimcrazy

i know i'm most likely just in a cranky, addict mind set, but this disease is starting to annoy me beyond belief. i've been in & out of the program for a few years, so i know everything i have to do, and have learned quite a bit, but damn.. i've been off heroin for a little over a week, and today is my first full day without booze or weed, and i'm buggin'! i cannot tell you how many times i've tried to justify smoking weed and drinking today. then i realize how stupid i sound. for me, weed & booze ALWAYS leads me back to heroin, period. hmm.. and i wondered why i was craving so bad today? see, i know the answers. and i know the solutions. weed is the dumbest thing i could do right now considering i'm still on pre-trial diversion & i get dropped. anyways, this post is all over the place, i'm just trying to occupy myself. i'll probably just say F it. i know it's my first actual sober day, and i know these feelings are normal, i just don't know how other people do it. especially alone, given i've lost everyone who was in my life. i guess loneliness and night time are huge triggers for me. if anyone has advice, it'd be greatly appreciated.. thanks.

finaltime

I do not have much to say, just that i am here for you! I know how you are feeling, I get in those f it moods too, but I know that picking up will just make tomorrow worse....

tomsteve

you dont sound stupid and yer not. yer just sick. 1st, i couldnt do it on my own. when i got help from others who had been down the same road, i had to work hard at not taking that 1st drink or drug. how did i do that? welp, i put my trust in those people that went before me that it would get easier and i knew that if i drank or got high again, it would get worse and i didnt want that. i had to do what i was told and that was" dont quit 5 seconds before the miracle happens." had no clue what that was, but it had to be better than what was happening then.
the miracle was the physical craving and mental obsession were lifted. then it was all about changing my thinking, which sounded pretty darn good to me as my thinking was WHACKED!

so i ask of you, PLEASE!! dont quit 5 seconds before the miracle happens!!!

tomsteve

have ya thought NA or AA????

theysayimcrazy

yeh i have a tight knit group of friends at the meetings, it's just when i'm all alone at night that my demons come out haha. i could keep calling my sponsor and bugging her but i'm stubborn. most likely i just dont want to hear what she has to say cus the addict side of me wants to win. if that makes sense..

tomsteve

yup, sure does. sounds like ya know what shes gonna say, it will be the truth, you know it is the truth,bit ya dont want to accept that it will be the truth? one thing i had to do is hurt really bad before i picked up the phone. PLEASE dont do that.it aint necessary. and pickin up the phone will help the person on the other end. i was quite stubborn. didnt want to believe what i heard was the truth. lots of hard knocks gave me the humility to admit i aint that smart and didnt know what was good for me or what was really wrong with me.

tomsteve

you aint gotta let the addict side win iffen ya dont want it to!!!

theysayimcrazy

i know but the way im lookin at it is this..
weed is better than me doin heroin again. and tonight would have to be the last night of me smoking weed anyway because i have court in a month and i get drug tested.. and i start outpatient tomorrow.
so i guess i want "one more night" before i "get to work" on recovering.
but then again i spent 9 & a half hours yesterday with my sponsor doing steps 1 - 5, and i dont want the hard work to be wasted. but maybe i can continue on with the steps tomorrow, even if i smoke or drink a little tonight?
oh my god i sound ridiculous. this is what my mind does all night - good vs. evil. ahh i dont know

tomsteve

LOLOLOLOLOLOL! i have to laugh, but please, its not at you. i hope you can read your post and see the insanity of your thinking.
now, you say you did steps 1-5...so wheres yer higher power tonight????

tomsteve

sorry, just read the last line sayin ya dont know. but i will GUARANTEE yer Higher Power DOES!!!!

theysayimcrazy

lmao.. i admit that did make me laugh, too. i don't know, tom!! i've said a few "HP, help me" 's today, but im not really putting much effort into it.

tomsteve

and you think you got it bad tonight? my lighter died, i dont wanna go out to buy another one, so i'm usin my toaster to light my cigaretes and the cord isnt long enough to set it on my computer desk so i gotta walk into the kitchen to light a cigarette!!!

tomsteve

welp, yer here and so am i, so maybe the HP did answer ya?

theysayimcrazy

wow, really?? i have to go OUTSIDE to light AND smoke my cigarettes, mr.

tomsteve

yeah,well.....ok... i'll stop whinin bout it. ya know, just lookin back on what ya typed here, i'm thinkin iffen ya read what ya typed, ya might see a very good example of step 1 in yer life tonight.

theysayimcrazy

yes, that's true. but he can only answer me for so long
i'm just not strong enough. i'm waiting to get back into the halfway house i was discharged from (relapsed) but there was so much structure and responsibility. i definitely need that again, ASAP.

tomsteve

welp, if he can only answer ya for so long, ya might wanna get one that will ALWAY be there. no, none of us are strong enough on our own. that strength takes T.I.M.E. and we still have to have others in recovery to help us, which takes a lil humility to pick up the phone and ask for help.
i learned that the reason i HATED structure in my life and taking responsibilty was because i never had it. i was a selfish, self centered egomaniac with low self esteem. i had to do it even when i didnt want to. it was one of the lengths i decided i was willing to go to to get free from the bondage of alcohol and drugs.

tomsteve

ok, im guessin ya got a cigarrette in one hand and the phone in the other now. dont give up 5 seconds before the miracle happens!!!!

CarolD

I've found the Serenity Prayer keeps me in balance.
Yes...sometimes I repeat it over and over before calmness comes.

You have solid plans for your new start...please don't screw them up tonight.

Threshold

Well, respectfully speaking...if you really knew what the answer and solutions were, I think you'd be clean.

Maybe the method you are using to quit and stay quit isn't the answer and solution for you, or only PART of the solution for you.

I'm in NA, so I am NOT knocking the program, but that program alone was not the solution for me. I could have, and for a long while I DID, relapse, and bang my head against the wall, because I didn't realize that there were other tools available to me. I fell into the mindset that if working the 12 steps wasn't working, there was no hope for me...after all they ARE the solution...

And for many they are, but when they aren't, it's time to try something else or add something else.

I hear many people say "I worked the steps, went to meetings, stayed close with my sponsor and I keep relapsing" and others step in with "work them slower, faster, with another sponsor, using a different HP, the way I say,the way HE says..." etc etc

But in the rooms a favorite saying is "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results"...we kept using, even when it clearly wasn't bringing us the result we wanted...feeling better. So why keep using a recovery method that isn't working for US...when we aren't getting the results we want or need?

If it was a medication, people would suggest trying something else...very few people say that we should stay on a med that isn't working and simply try harder to wish it into working. Sometimes even upping the dose doesn't help.

There are people for whom the 12 steps don't bring the desired result, that doesn't mean they are hopeless. They may need to try or add something else.

There is no way for me to know whether or not they can work for you, or whether you've done them in that perfect, specific way that might bring you the result you need. But if you are not able to get or stay clean using them, please look for some other things you might try or add, but don't give up on your recovery.

I am pretty sure I'd be dead now had I not looked beyond the steps for my recovery.