There goes my 16 days.
 

Drunk. Pill Popper.
I was doing so good.

The grass smelled so great this morning. Summer. Summer was in the air. Stormy New Mexico clouds approached. A day I would never dream to use on.

Cravings occurred. Not uncommon. These things happen. No big deal, right?
Right. Yeah, Right! I can do this. I am stronger than my own urges to make it all better. Not so much.

Everything is better with 60MG of DOC or a pint of your favorite 100 proof.
The crippling anxiety in the morning? No problem! I've dealt with it my whole life. Might as well enjoy it. Right?

So much money wasted on things I tell myself that I don't really need.
When will I be happy without this ********?
WHEN?

I CANNOT enjoy things unless I have opiates or booze running thick through my veins. There is no NA here. The church that used to run the local NA pretty much told me to **** off when I asked them if they still had it.
The local AA is here. But this is a small town full of drunks (kinda like me!) who don't care much for white guys with pill problems.

UG. Large ug. Huge ug.

I really am at a loss here. I need guidance. Not just someone telling me it will get better. I know it CAN get better...erg.:c021:

Go buy the Four Agreements, and make them a strong habit. The book was writen by Ruiz.

Praying for you Khardbored. No one said this journey would be easy, but we all know it will be so worth it. Don't let this slip make you want to throw in the towel. Tomorrow is a new day. You can do this!!

~Pandie

16 days is pretty good (I only made 12 on my first serious attempt), but you need to get your mind in your recovery and keep it there 100%. Take control of your mind and actions, don't let the urges control you. I know, no matter what I say, it makes sobriety sound either too simple or completely unattainable. It can be done and people here have shown me that.

Actually you can enjoy things without opiates or booze running thick through your veins. I am an alcohol/drug addict with 43 years of experience. Now 1 year 10 months sober, 7 months off crack I am enjoying my life more than I can ever remember enjoying it while using. It is getting easier by the day. I hope and pray the you give it all up.

For me, I tried several times to get clean. I was tired of spending the money, tired of dealing with my Dr., the pharmacy, etc... My husband made me stop, twice. This last time, which I am only day 15 clean, I CHOSE this for myself. I have NO desire to go back to that (except for the tricks my brain is playing on me, telling me my pain is worse than it is!) I set a date for myself, about a month out... and I don't recomend THIS, but I used what i wanted, when I wanted. I know that can be dangerous, but I knew my limits. It got bad and it got worse, but having a quit day in mind did help.. a lot. and i have no doubt this is my LAST withdrawal. I am never doing this again!!!!! Just get back on that wagon. We have NA here, but I really don't want to go... I'm way too ashamed to show my face in a public place openly like that. I agree to get a book. Best of luck to you.