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My life is over...

Old 04-02-2012, 02:13 PM
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My life is over...

Hi everyone.
I don't even know where to start,I feel so hopeless and numb,I don't feel anything anymore.
It all started a year and a half ago,I went through a really hard time and couldn't sleep so I went to the doctor and he prescribed me Xanax.The first time I took it I felt wonderful,I felt like everything was easiear and the whole anxiety I was feeling disappeared.This only lasted for a couple of days,the good feeling disappeared and I started taking more and more just to feel the same thing again.At first I only took it at night time but then I started to take it in the morning and now I spend my whole day taking pills.I take almost 30 pills a day but they don't work anymore.A few months ago I was diagnosed with two chronic diseases and knowing that I would never be normal again and that I would be in pain for the rest of my life made me really depressed.I lost the will to live and just wanted to numb my feelings but unfortunately the pills were not working anymore,instead they were making me even more anxious and depressed.So I decided to get in touch with this "friend" of mine who always has drugs and that was the first time I tried heroin.I felt wonderful all over again but in just a few days I was miserable again.Now my life is even worse,I developed an addiction to heroin.I sold all my stuff,I lost everyone,I feel so miserable...I don't want to be this person but I don't really think I want to recover either.How is my life going to be like without drugs??I'll be in pain for the rest of my life due to my chronic conditions,I'll never be able to do anything,at least while I'm on drugs I feel like I'm fine and that I can do anything,life will be so empty without them...At the same time I look at other people and I wish I was them,I wish I had their lifes,a job,friends,all that stuff but I can't Drugs are the only thing I have...
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Old 04-02-2012, 02:23 PM
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Noon...so sorry. Hugs. Try to breathe. None of us can really know the future (people keep reminding me) I share some of the situations you do, but not the heroin.

The drugs aren't helping, they ARE hurting, so even though you have challenges ahead, you are still going to make your life better if you get clean and stay clean.

There is no magic fix for any of this. We have to want it and finding that hope can be hard. Please stick around SR and read a LOT. When I am low on hope, I am often able to scrounge some up by hearing the stories of other people.
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Old 04-02-2012, 02:29 PM
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It's never too late noone... Not until your 6 feet under. Your not there so fight the fight damit. Don't let this beat you. You ARE stronger than this!
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Old 04-02-2012, 06:16 PM
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I too thought I couldn't function without pain meds, after 15 yrs I quit & the pain isn't half as bad as I thought it would be, toredol is mt new best friend.Keep ur head up & try...
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Old 04-02-2012, 06:48 PM
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I have chronic pain too, I'm looking @@ diff. Non narcotic meds to help. Which diseases are you struggling with?
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Old 04-02-2012, 08:32 PM
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Sorry you feel so low I know how it feels when you think life will be so empty and miserable without drugs. before I went to detox for my benzo addiction I was so scared of how I would survive in life without them. But honestly, it's not as bad as you think. One thing that I learned is that life will definitely be worse if we are using. Even though the pills were taking my pain away and making me feel better for the moment, I was much more depressed in general. Try to remember that nothing will ever get better if we use.

I'm sorry to hear about your health conditions. It's just another obstacle to face, but try to at least read the stories on this forum.. there is a lot of support here.
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Old 04-03-2012, 05:10 AM
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Hi Noone 13, I am so sorry to hear of your struggles right now. I can empathize with the many of the feelings you're having. I had a long-time addiction to painkillers and oxycontin but decided the drugs were both running and ruining my life. I got help through my Dr. and quit.

That was almost 3 years ago and I feel very happy and lucky to be alive every day - and I'm no spring chicken! There are other treatments out there that are non-narcotic. I also found my pain receptors were so screwed up from taking pills that once my system got back to normal, regular old Tylenol worked quite well.

Think of all the things you can do NOT needing that heroin fix as compared to your life revolving around ONLY heroin. When I stopped oxy (c/t but with my Dr's. help) it took awhile to feel well again but now I can travel and go places, do things, have real fun that doesn't require practically living outside my Dr. office and pharmacy!

You can have a better life. Get a Dr. or maybe even a rehab on your side and kick heroin right on over that big high fence. Then run with a smile onto the rest of your life!

Sending hugs and lovin' your way

...Ruby...
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Old 04-03-2012, 06:24 AM
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Heroin will destroy your life and turn you into someone who is not even you. I have seen it happen to too many people. I randomly caught "Oprah's Lifeclass" on tv last night and found it really helpful in terms of facing fears and changing the story that we tell OURSELVES to be true, but is not. There is actually a side story about an addict in the beginning. You can watch it for free online if you want. I hope you can find the help that you need. Oprah.com - Live your best Life - OWN TV
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Old 04-03-2012, 10:40 AM
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Originally Posted by darrienandemmum View Post
I have chronic pain too, I'm looking @@ diff. Non narcotic meds to help. Which diseases are you struggling with?
I've been struggling with a bladder condition,called Interstitial Cystitis.I had pain and frequent urination for months,it was driving me crazy and no doctor could figure out what was wrong with me.Then I was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis but all the doctors said they couldn't do anything and that I would have to learn to live with it.They prescribed me really strong meds that made me feel better but they made me really sick,I was then diagnosed with Ulcerative colitis and since then I suffer from terrible stomach pains after I eat.I had to cut down all the food (I loved to eat) and now I can only eat plain foods like rice and toast.I lost 10 pounds and I've been to so many doctors,did so many tests,took so many meds,but they never worked.I spent months in bed,I had no strenght to move myself because I was not eating,I almost died,it was then that I started to medicate myself with Xanax.I got really depressed,I couldn't sleep,then I started to cut myself and had to be seen by a psychiatrist.I was then diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.I always had mood swings but they got so much worse after I started using drugs.Maybe this is nothing,maybe I'm over exaggerating like everyone says."At least you don't have cancer",that's what everyone says to me.
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Old 04-03-2012, 01:18 PM
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Noone13, we have all been at a point where we felt that there was nothing left and that drugs were the only thing making us feel better. What I have learned since being in recovery is that the drugs are actually making it worse. They make your moods unstable, cause depression, and make it seem like everything besides them is horrible. The truth is, once you fight through the being sick from stopping the drugs, you can finally start to give your chance to see the good in life. I understand that seems like a bunch of b.s but there are things out there to look forward to. Maybe try finding some nondrug related hobbies, a support group, new friends, ect.

When life starts to see overwhelming I try to take a step back, take a long shower, write in my journal and try to redirect my attention towards something I can control such as homework, cleaning, or undertaking a task. I hope that you can find someone you can call and reach out to in some of these unbearable moments. Sometimes all it takes is a phone call and a good conversation with a friend/ family member to put the world back into focus.

I wish you the best and I really hope that things start to look up for you. I remember how it felt to feel hopeless and it is the worst feeling in the world. Maybe finding a therapist you trust and try talking to your doctors about managing some of your symptoms might help. -hugs- Things do get better as long as we take the steps towards making them better. Nothing happens overnight but fighting through the hard days will make things better in the weeks to come. Keep reaching out and eventually you will find something that works for you.

~ Yellieee
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Old 04-03-2012, 02:38 PM
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I want to thank everyone for the kind words.
I'm starting to feel really bad right now,I've been "clean" since yesterday and I thought i was doing fine,I just had a terrible headache but right now I'm shaking so much,it's even hard for me to write.My whole body hurts and i feel so anxious,is it going to get worse than this?i'm sorry if i wound whiny but i'm just so scared,i've never been through this
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Old 04-03-2012, 03:17 PM
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noone13 - Give yourself 3 days before it gets better. Tell yourself you will never need go through this again. We've been where you are and made it so I can assure you that it will get better. Don't listen to the lies the drugs will tell you. You want a life and drugs steal that from you. You can do this. Keep hydrated, watch a stupid movie, and read all the stories and tips you will find on SR. Just hang on hour by hour, minute by minute and set a goal for yourself. Keep posting and find a higher power to talk to. I'll be praying for you.

Do you have a doctor working with you? After reading your last couple posts I missed all the health issues you are dealing with. Medical support would be a good thing. Be honest and ask them for help. That is what they are paid to do.
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Old 04-03-2012, 04:47 PM
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I've got lupus, fibromyalgia,bi polar depression and used to ut many years ago. I had to learn with each diagnosis, to take it in stride, it's not over! Do you know how many brillliant and wonderful people have had dual diagnosis'? Do wha works best for you with each problem. I had to learn one thing won't work all the time and to make a mental inventory of things that help @ different times. If you want to talk more, I could give me my email. I deff have been and am still where you are right now
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Old 04-03-2012, 05:03 PM
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Thank you for your message!I know that there's a lot of people with many chronic conditions at the same thing who are brilliant and wonderful,i really admire them but I guess i'm just not mentally strong enough to face things like they did.That's why I started doing drugs,because I couldn't face things by myself,I guess I'm just to weak...
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Old 04-03-2012, 05:43 PM
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Hey, Chronic pain guy right here. Spinal Stenosis, Spinal Tumor, Scoliosis... Been off the meds for 3 months now and doing good. Not great, buy good!
Managing my pain with non narcotics now, going to the gym after 6 years...
It took me 9 days to W/D but on day 10 a miracle happened... No more W/D. THen had some depression for a few weeks, now no depression.... It just takes some time.
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Old 04-03-2012, 05:54 PM
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Noone, I wasn't sure from your post which medications you're clean from? If you're still taking a lot of Xanax you need to see a doctor before stopping, it's not safe to do it on your own.

You're not weak, addiction is powerful and most people need a ton of help to get better, coming here is a great first start.
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:03 PM
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Welcome to SR Noone. So happy you are here and thank you for sharing your story. There is a lot of hope and healing here. You are not alone. Once you get past the withdrawals, I believe you will see an elevation in your mood. Both Xanax and Heroin are depressants and even though they may make you feel good at the time, the more you take them, the more depressed they will make you.

I think you should talk to a doctor about helping with detox. Coming off opiates is one thing, but the w/d's from benzo's can be life-threatening. You might want to think about going into the ER and just be open and honest with them about your situation. Maybe they would be able to get you into a program to help you with both the addiction and your psych issues as well, not to mention your chronic medical conditions.

Saying prayers for you Noone. Keep us posted.

~Pandie
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Old 04-04-2012, 01:45 AM
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Hello Noone13
Thanks for sharing your story. As you have read, many encouraging folks here cheering you on. We've all had our problems and yours is just as important. Keep posting. So many good people here. Just a matter of time before it all gets better. Keep on trying and keep on keeping on.
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Old 04-04-2012, 02:03 AM
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Noone, first you need a new name!!! While you feel like this now, you will not continue to feel like this unless you keep using or you give up hope. We have all been where you are at, and most of us on here have medical conditions or chronic pain, or both. Please please please, talk to someone, get some help. You are not noone, you are someone that is in need of help. We are here for you, stay strong.
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Old 04-04-2012, 02:40 AM
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prayers are going up for you
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