Doosie

I stumbled upon this forum earlier this morning while searching for some kind of answer to help me change what has now become my sad and pitiful life. I am so tired of waking up and dreading what the day will have in store for me. Instead of feeling grateful for what I have and accomplishing goals that I have set for myself, I sit and allow all the negative thoughts of self-hatred overcome my mind. On top of allowing myself to feel sorry for myself I spend all of little energy I have on finding something that will keep away any sort of w/d symptoms I should have to face. Over the last 10 years I went from being an incredible daughter to one that cannot be trusted. I live a double life and am a queen manipulator I went from having anything I wanted, the best of everything, to nothing. All my possessions that had been given to me for great accomplishments or from the heart of loving parents were sold or traded for my own pathetic needs. I am now a jobless, college dropout junkie; and not to mention the mother to the most beautiful 3 year old daughter any mother would dream of having.
It all started when I was 18 and met a man that changed my life forever. I was lonely and took any attention I received at that time in my life. The man I met manipulated me into thinking he was the most amazing man. I believed him and did anything he said. From 18 – 23 I ran away from home, stole, robbed people, lied, cheated, and did drugs constantly. I started with ex and weed. I would do these drugs every day when I was with this guy, which was about 8 months out of the year. When I wasn’t with him I was on lockdown at my parents’ house. When I was on lockdown I would ask my mom to buy my alcohol, which she would comply to in hopes that would make me stay at home. After gaining my parents trust back after about one month of “being good” they would give me my car back and other things. The first chance I got I would head straight back to the guy. This cycle lasted for 4 years, and in those four years I lost every bit of respect of my family as well as the few close friends I had. My friends are long gone and I will never have my family’s full respect. The hurt I have caused them will never be forgotten and I will never forget what I have done. After finally getting over the stupidity of my relationship with that guy I tried to move on. However my idea of moving on was to get into a relationship with any guy that decided to show interest. So between trying to go to college, binge drinking, and messing around with any guy that gave me that look, I was continuing on my path of self-destruction.
During this pathetic phase of my life I met a guy that is now my husband. We did enjoy each other’s company that is if we were partying or altering our minds in some way or another. We met when I was 23 and dated for 2 years. In those two years I received a battery charge for punching a previous male companion at a bar and bouts of alcohol poisoning. Together we also became addicted to oxi’s; approx. 120 mgs per day for 1 year. I then became pregnant and quit the oxi’s which my husband did too. He started taking methadone, and I quit cold turkey from everything. Being pregnant was the best time of my life, besides the fact that my dad didn’t talk to me until I married my now husband. Instead of being married the way I had dreamed of, I married in a super private ceremony; and I regret getting married every day! Moving on I was sober, had a beautiful baby girl, living in a beautiful house, had my job waiting for me when I was done with maternity leave, and really enjoying life. That didn’t last long, as I was noticing my husband acting weirder and weirder every day. Come to find out he is taking Adderall plus his methadone. He stays up for days and sleeps for days and this cycle has yet to stop in the present. One day I had terrible cramps and took some of my husband’s methadone to help, and from there I was hooked, and of course my addict mind didn’t stop there. I needed to be on the Adderall too! So instead of staying a sober mom, I fell back into the terrible cycle of addiction. After my daughter was one year my life really went crazy. My husband never showed me any affection and never made me feel special in any way. This led me to staying out later after work and drinking. I started drinking very heavily and finding that I appreciated the attention I was receiving from guys other than my husband. My staying out late turned into all night and coming home in the morning. After some time of this my husband and I decided to separate and he moved in with his parents. At this time I met a man that to this day is the man of my dreams. I cleaned up and was feeling great. I filed for divorce and was ready to proceed, however my husband scared away my dream man. I then succumbed to loneliness and allowed my almost ex to move back in my house. I went a little crazy and started drinking again and went on a binge; after the binge I entered a rehab in my city. After rehab I maintained friendships with the wrong people and relapsed terribly with them. They introduced me to crack. After running away on a crack binge I went home to my parents and asked for help again. This time I traveled with my dad to Palm Springs for one month. During that month I went to a meeting every day and stayed sober the whole time with very high hopes and positive thinking. While being in Palm Springs I told my husband that he had to leave my house because he really doesn’t help with my sobriety or mind for that matter. After coming home to a home that belonged to only myself and my daughter I was finally content and happy with my life. A few great sober months past until I went out of town with my husband who handed me a suboxen to try. I broke down and tried it and from then on I have been using subs every day for two years, plus Adderall.
Last November I started the job of my dreams only to lose it two weeks ago due to tardiness with the final straw being my leaving work due to “being sick.” I can’t handle feeling any type of withdrawal symptoms and this last week we weren’t able to find any subs so we starting using “H.” That is something I never thought I would start using. I have been snorting it, and I honestly don’t feel a high from it either. It has only helped with the withdrawals. My life is a mess now, I can’t stay organized, and everything is falling apart. I don’t want to deal with this anymore, my daughter doesn’t deserve this. She deserves a happy mother that devotes every second to her making her happy, not one that is lying in bed crying because of body aches. I have been to AA and NA, but I don’t like how many people are acutally “using” while in those groups (at least in my city). It seems to me that certain people at meetings don’t want help, instead they like to listen to glorify their using days and compare those days with others, only to find themselves going out using along with the weak minded addicts trying to get sober. I have no idea what to do anymore….I am so lost…………………i really hate myself, not to mention my high anxiety and feeling as though everyone is judging me constantly!!!

OxyMaddened

It seems here there are two basic things you need to own up to:

1) You need to forgive yourself for what's occurred in the past, and LEARN from it. You may not be able to change the past, but you are the key to your future. You seem to base your self esteem entirely on what others think of you, but your self-loathing and attention-seeking (for all the wrong reasons) negates any temporary positives you experience. Forgot what others think; you cannot control that; what you CAN learn to control is your actions AND how you view yourself.

It appears to me you've been indulged by your parents and the (temporary) attentions of men; this has made you self-indulgent to the extreme, basically selfish in your neediness...but guess what: you shouldn't have that "option" anymore, because you have a child that is depending on you, you need to forgo that self-indulgent, poor-me attitude and concentrate on fulfilling HER needs.

2) Nobody likes dealing with Detox and withdrawal...yes, it's hell, but a TEMPORARY one. It took me over two years of making excuses for myself, wasting five figure$ (thousands) of dollars chasing away WD, not quitting my 80 to 200 mg./day Oxy addiction because I was scared of/didn't want to go through W/D. I had to find it within myself to finally put my foot down, before I lost everything. Even w/o the addiction I was not very healthy by the time I told my BF what was transpiring...I was good at hiding my addiction and he didn't have a clue. If I could get through it (Cold Turkey) anyone can!

You need to find a way to adjust your thinking away from the self-loathing, attention-seeking, and false "approval" of others based on vanity, and concentrate on what's really important: the life of your daughter, and your ability -- and yes you have this, it's just hidden right now -- to control your own actions, accomplish your own goals w/o someone else providing the impetus or indulgence, and MOVE FORWARD.

You need to start believing in yourself and RELYING on yourself instead of others. There are no knights in shining armor, and as for your parents: they've done their job, now it's up to you to GROW UP and do yours, and provide for your daughter.

frankinnc

Hi, I'm a recovering crackhead, and I've heard this story--or at least some variation of it---many, many times...stealing, robbing, lying, manipulating, doing our parents dirty, yada yada yada. Me, I wen't on a crack binge and crime spree that lasted several years, and it ended with a 70-93 month prison sentence (just got out in March).I've destroyed my life, burned alot of bridges. It's a common occurence amongst addicts so your not alone. And I hate to say it, but it sounds like your one of those addicts who the 12 steps we're designed for!



I'd stop looking for the people who are using ...instead, I'd identify the winners (every group has them, even the bad ones) and stick with them. Yeah, I'd give those meetings one last shot--or at least look for another recovery support group if one is available. Shop around. It's really helpful to have a support system comprised of people who know what your going through, know what I mean?. And I did therapy while in prison which was also a big help. With the exception of a very brief relapse shortly after my release, I'm doing fine. It's hard, but it can be done. As for your withdraw...can you go to detox? Yeah, In short, I'd probaly 1.go to detox 2. Go see the mental health folks 3.Go to meetings of some kind. As I'm sure you already know, this stuff is hard to work through on our own--or at least it was for me. Just my opinion, good luck. Peace.

frankinnc

P.S And no need to hate yourself or feel hopeless. You can turn this thing around right now, the choice is yours. Peace.

livingrin

Doosie,
your story is actually a common one, i can relate although mine might not be quite as dramatic but i have basically put myself in a situation like yours. in order to ever gain the trust back with your family you must get clean and stay clean. i've lost everything it took me years to get, house, cars, motorcycles, my pride, respect of family and friends, and my health. these can be replaced tho, with hard work it can be done. i went from a bodybuilder 280lbs to barely 200lbs in the past couple years. i have been clean only 14 days and i have a long road a head of me but that is a huge accomplishment to me. i have gained 20lbs back in those days already. unfortunately there is no magic to avoid w/d, your gonna experience it one way or the other, c/t or with subs, don't let anyone fool you. key is to minimize it. get some subs but don't stay on long, they too are addictive but keep it short and sweet. if you truly want to be done than you can do it. do it for yourself, your daughter and your family.

CarolD

Welcome..

My thoughts.....let your parents take your child and you get
into a long term treatment center that deals with drugs and alcohol.

The Salvation Army has free ones in many areas.

sophiamarie2007

I abused all pills (vicodin and adderrall were two of my favorites)-My parents also spoiled me. I didn't start using until after I graduated college and was working a good job. My years of abusing pills eventually made me unemployable and hopeless. I also lost my husband to suicide.-After his death, I was constantly seeking affection and attention from men. I thought it gave me more self worth-I was wrong.-It made feel even more worthless.

I finally got clean and suffered through the withdrawls at home (I also have three kids under the age of 9)-Since getting clean, I have gotten my career back on track and for right now am staying away from men. I need to find myself again sober! I realize that's going to be a long time for me, but I accept it.-You need to find yourself on your own without men and without drugs. I know it's sounds harsh-but it's the truth!

mahi

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Marcus

2.5 year old thread brought back to life. Unfortunately Doosie's only post and hasn't been back since. I hope she is doing well, but have a bad feeling she might not be.

I do agree withdrawal sucks, but was part of the process for me (again and again and again). Dealing with my screwed up addictive thinking was the real battle for the most part.