Stopdropburn, KuanYin, and JFD, thanks! today started off basically identical to yesterday. woke up, put 2mg of sub under my tounge before even leaving my bedroom, and started a fresh pot of coffee.
Kuan, thanks for pointing out things like triggers. money in the pocket is definitely a trigger but thats just terrible. i mean wtf, i work everyday to make money, everything in life depends on money, it makes the freakin world spin around, and i need to keep it away from me?... lol. i understand however, that at the stage im in right now, having money on me is not a good idea. buuuuuut i made another $85 last night and still have some of it. i say 'some of it' because i bought 1 more suboxone (now i have exactly 2 left), 2 xanax bars (which will be the last time i buy those because i only wanted to have some for the toughest part of withdrawals just to make sure i could get some sleep), andddd i went wild at walmart last night. not really "wild" but i spent $50 bucks on stuff i needed for my house.
ya thats a lot of money that i probably should have saved towards the bills that are coming due very soon but heres how i justified it in my head. yesterday the demons were talking to me. and they almostttttt made me make a phone call to get 2 blues. had i done that, i would have $40 less, would be back to square one, and wouldnt have even felt them because ive been on suboxone. so i said f it. $50 at walmart when i almost blew $40 on some nose candy?? easily justified in my head.
thanks again tho guys. im now technically starting day 5 and am getting better at keeping the demons in check. just taking it day by day. just keep reminding myself why i wanted to quit sooo bad. reminding myself of all the things ill be able to do once i have money that i dont blow on drugs. reminding myself of all the fun ill be having and girls ill be able to chill with once im clean and back to normal. its all gonna be worth it.
until next time, thanks a bunch everyone!