Resenting Meetings
 

Overall, I am usually very grateful to this program and the people in it who helped me get sober. That being said...

I am feeling resentful towards meetings lately. I know I have plenty of character defects, but I hate going to meetings and being made to feel (and told by a sponsor) that being shy, or not chatty, is a defect I should work on. It's just how I am. I hate that everyone's answer for everything is to just go to a meeting... even when the problem is meetings. When I finished grad school last spring I had a job I hated and worked 14+ hours a day. Stressed and upset because I felt I couldn't keep up with all my work, everyone's answer was to take even more time away from work and go to more meetings.

I cut down to about one meeting a month and I've been feeling much better and more centered, except when it comes up with my sponsor. My sponsor says if you're not going to meetings you're not sober, you're just dry. Even if you're not drinking/using, and doing service work outside AA, it's just dry and not sober. Where in the big book does it say that there is a certain quota of meetings you need to attend to be sober? I just passed 2 years and thought I should go to some meetings, and being in meetings brings up all these resentments again. I feel less sober when I'm going to meetings.

I want to work the steps with a sponsor, but I think I'd be hard pressed to find a sponsor in Chicago who would support not going to meetings. Do I continue doing what feels that it's working for me, even though everyone keeps wanting to advise me against this?

Two years? You sound like you're doing just great. AA is not the only way to go, you know. If the meetings are not uplifting for you, or your sponsor is not supporting you, I say don't do it. If you were struggling/drinking or whatever, my suggestion would probably be to give the program another chance. But you have a great track record, and what you're doing is obviously working for you.

I agree with Keltie,
The purpose of going to a meeting is to lift you up! My suggestion would be to find some alternative. I do believe that you need to be surrounded by support and not negative. Find what works for you. But above all, find something positive that works for you.

"I" think you'd be hard pressed to find a sponsor any where that supported not going to meetings. In my case, "meeting makers make it!" I'm just coming up on 2 years, after relapsing many times since 2006. I do a meeting a day at least. The longest I've missed is 4 days, and I feel it, and people around me notice it. "Keep coming back." Better yet... don't ever leave.

I am not a fan of the saying "Meeting Makers Make It". Yes, meetings are great and helpful and they do play a role in m recovery. But, the program of AA is the steps and working and living the steps.

Lizzy - what step are you working on right now?

There is no place in the book that mentions a quota on meetings. Personally, as a sponsor I tell my sponsees how many meetings I went to a week early on but then they do what works for them. I make suggestions, not orders. That's not my job.

Now, with that said, some people have a very strong opinion on this. So, I suppose, some sponsors make orders. That wasn't my experience so I don't do it, not do I have any interest. I'm quite certain it would not have worked for me.

I've been sober now for a little over three years and during that time I've had periods of time where my meeting attendance dropped off, for different meetings, sometimes because they were driving me nuts. Recently it's picked back up.

Now that I'm 7 months pregnant I have a feeling that my attendance will drop off again soon. The cool thing is, I've got lots of friends I've met in the fellowship and my sponsor and I'll use those phone numbers I got long ago.

Meetings do not keep me sober. It's the steps and trying to apply them in my life each day and my belief that my HP is in control (not me).

So Lizzy - I'm curious what step your working right now.

Going to a meeting will not keep you sober. There is nothing in the coffee. There is no genie with a magic wand. No special potion that will only last until the next meeting. I believe we each have 4 choices.
1. Do nothing ( very high risk)
2. Moderate ( again very high risk though a few succeed)
3 Be sober but miserable. ( this is sobriety, but not recovery. Those who go to meetings to stay sober even though they do not like them are doing this. Still high risk)
4. Be sober in the pursuit of happiness. (This is the most successful option and you get to choose what makes you happy)
Find whatever it is you want from life and go for it. It is YOUR life. Good Luck.

I am also in the camp of meetings aren't the answer to everything. But it's different for different people. For some people it's not the "magic of a meeting" that does it, it's being around people, getting reminded about things they easily forget, etc. There are practical things that can happen in or "around" a meeting that are key to many folks success.

I happen to live in a place with no meetings. So I don't go. I work my program, have a sponsor who understands my situation. Working the program and using this site as my meeting place are helping me build the insights and skills to stay clean.

I can pick and choose which topics to read here, and when I need to I can easily step away and regroup. This works for me. Others truly feel the need for face to face, or the human touch of a hug, or a look of encouragement in the eyes of another.

The people who say "get to a meeting" say so because it has been key and a huge help to their maintaining clean time. They share what they know out of the true desire to help you succeed.

But just like using itself, if repeating something isn't getting the desired result, it is time to find something that will.

I have found some GREAT phone Big Book meetings w/ people with a TON of recovery to listen to and share with. Believe you me, I just could NOT take the meetings either in my little town. Many times they became the stressers in my life. So many people there were manipulative and controling and trouble makers. I really had no peace, so I left my "town recovery" and got diggin in on other means of it. My sponsor lives 2 states away and we talk 3 times a week. I LOVE her. blessings LIzzy! There are alternatives!

lily