david23

i was 23 when i 1st p'd/u, or 24. ironically that is, (23 was my call sign in the army, it ID'd my specialty, so I used it here. > p'ing/u crack, i joined in '96 to get away from that evil sh*t. what else could i do? i tried aa, didn't stick. in the army i was an outstanding troop. excelled in damn near everything i did. i took on alot of additional duties on and off base. after, i p/u again w/in mo's b/c i did not address any issues. b4 1993 it was pot and alcohol. 1st drink at 6, first toke at 8. 1st real addiction set in around 12. at 14 i could buy whatever i wanted, and damn near all of it went to getting high. anyway, the evil sh*t...
i p/u > army in 2000, and struggled ever since. sure, i can see more clearly why i have failed, besides the powerlessness. addicts have a mental obsession and a physical compulsion to use (Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous). I am most definately alcoholic, but there comes a time where one must admit, "the problem is me." my sober date is Christmas 2011. Not too long ago, i can get a new date quite easy, like i've been doing since June, 2011 after 2 1/2 yrs. those yrs and 4 others since 2000 were sheer abstinance, mostly sickness. i don't want to be crazy anymore. i have two BEAUTIFUL children and a Loving Wife (well, divorced 'cause of my picking up this last time.) and what time will be the last? That's the Million Dollar Question to ask a CrackHead. CrackHead, I said it. We addicts hate that word, but that certainly describes the Active Crack Addict. It is a twisted, complex addiction I understand all too well. truth is, i get my self high, i need to change that. How? Big Book, program, new attitudes, new behaviors, avoid family(not wife/kids) and big stressors. i guess addicts know the ropes, but NO ONE can go it alone. I made that mistake.
I saw Harold at my Home Group tonite. Saw him at an alcathon in Poughkeepsie NY Christmas Nite. He struggled for YEARS while his brother tried to help him stop. He stopped, sober 6 yrs. His brother who tried to guide him started using. Harold then tried to guide his brother. His brother has been dead for 3 weeks now, to this disease. And it is a disease.
Some of us play with fire, thinking we won't get burned. I know it burns, yet I played. Why? My desire to use became greater then my desire to stop, or stay stopped. Read the BB, work the program, follow direction is all I can tell myself.
I don't want to die, I want to Love my Wife and Children, who would be better off with me dead, then active. I do have a choice, longer I refrain, the more able to enforce the right choice. i'm going to VA Rehab for 32 days Wednesday to put more time between me and the drug. my brain is too afflicted right now, i don't trust it, b/c of the history here. it doesn't have to be that way, they say. Who are they? Who cares, they are right. I will be posting again after February begins, and let you know that I kept my date, Christmas. It is my gift to God, and to my self.
I do want to say that b4 I picked up in June, i hated myself, i felt incapable of loving, of giving, and i was self centered to the exrteme. then i got stressed to the hilt. perfect breeding grounds to smoke some crack and escape. i remember a certain conversation...: me:"getting high would feel good." me2me:"yes, it would."me2me again:"let's get some!"me2me finally:"Okay!" Done deal.
Escapism. no one escapes this life unless they die, and that should be a good thing, after living a good life, embracing death in peace and serenity. i stopped going to the rooms completely, then i stopped seeing my psychiatrist, then soon after, stopped going to the psychologist. never stopped taking meds for mania, but whatever, i was so f**ked that it didn't matter. nothing but a brick wall could stop the insanity. i'm dusting off now, and the real journey begins. i am 41, i know better, no excuses. i must manage the life i've been given this responsability to have, and repect God's Grace and His Gifts. To Receive is to Give. if i didn't p/u last June, would I have remained as sick for years to come? Half a lifetime ago i "tried" crack, (1 hit addiction) it destroys life. I have half a lifetime to go, God willing, I want a good one. It's time to make some Proof Pudding. Thank you Lord, for the Love only you can give, w/out You, i can do nothing.

Impurrfect

(((david)))- welcome to SR! I'm a recovering crack addict, and know the he!! that we go through with that stuff.

I can't credit any one thing with my recovery. I went to AA, back when I was abusing opiates (before crack) and though I know longer go to meetings, I still use what I learned there. SR has been a huge part of my recovery. God? Yep, a very big part of my recovery, though I know not everyone feels that way.

I was faced with a lot of bad consequences, some of which I am still dealing with almost 5 years later, realized that it was just going to be more of the same. I kinda made my own recovery path - a little of this, a little of that and a whole lotta SR. That's just has worked for me.

I can say that, even with some of the consequences, life is WAY much better than back when I was using.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Kingman063

David23,
Do your best to beat that dirty demon,it wants you dead so dont give it what it wants...good luck friend.

MelissaNoDrugs

hi david,

good post, very honest. So you're disgusted with yourself. That's good. Recovery normally requires such extreme feelings. I was watching a documentary on crack addiction, and as this crackhead was about to light the pipe he stopped, looked in the camera, and said, "the only way to ever quit is you really have to wanna stop." Then of course, he took a big blast. Apparently, he's not disgusted. Yet.

I think you summed it up best with your self-description:

"i hated myself, i felt incapable of loving, of giving, and i was self centered..."

See, for me that's the big thing, that's the fuel for the fire, that's the permission we give ourselves to indulge. Once we feel worthless, it's easy to stroll down Crack Boulevard.

I'm not going to endorse one recovery group or another, I'll only say you have to find something that sticks to your ribs. Something that encourages a desire to stay away, not something that fosters your self-disgust. Disgust is only good motivation in the beginning. But I will say, as someone who's stayed away from crack a year and a half, disgust served me well. And sometimes I still feel temptation. As unpleasant as this may sound, even now, after all the distance, I still must grapple occassionally with the crack mirage. I use the term mirage because we all know, even in advance of relapse, that smoking crack never leads to anything good or productive.

And we so easily forget the health consequences, and how we gamble with our life each time we take a hit. Because our friendly local neighborhood dealer isn't all that concerned if he has to throw a little benzine or acetone or God knows what else into the mix. And even if it's purer and less stepped on, still, there's always the possibility of coronary arrest, as it's told to me by a hospital nurse: crack OD's almost always arrive at the Emergency Room D-O-A.

So you're going to meetings. That's good, if it works for you, then it's good. Venting on this board is also good. I did a lot of that in the beginning. Good luck, keep us posted.

david23

thanks Amy! keep doing what you're doing, you're a miracle! God is paramont here, i played that role too long, see what happens? SB is awe inspiring, my Mary led me here. I have a good feeling it will be more that "of great value!"

david23

these words mirrored: "i hated myself, i felt incapable of loving, of giving, and i was self centered..." almost brought tears. You have wisdom in all of this, and you've resled with demons, yet you live. Harrowing to hear the DOA truth, something I will repeat among the living. Smoking crack leads to nothing good, only suffering in every possible way, eroding all of life from the inside out and outside in. Everyone suffers. I found love again. I found SB too, thank God. Be well, play the tape forward!