chained

After a multiple year addiction to pain meds and H, I finally went to treatment. I have been clean since. It is exactly two years and one month today! Every October / November (for as long as I can remember) I ended up relapsing, until this last go of it. Whether or not the time of year has anything to do with it OR I am just using it as an excuse, I REALLY started struggling this week when my family went out of town...No spouse, no kids and some time here and there. Thank God for work...that keeps me out of my head (most of the time). My mind has been spinning 90 miles an hour, playing out different scenarios to use whatever I have in the house. I am prescribed Adderall and have never had the desire to abuse it, but it was all I had. The moment that process played through my head, I was on auto pilot. Crushed it, slammed it, done! It was not at all what I was looking for, but I couldn't stop. No where was logic or thought a part of this. Just actions...does that make sense? I just kept crushing and slamming. The phone rang and somehow made me stop. Its 4:00am and I have had a lot of time to think. Part of me fears that this is the beginning of the next chapter. That auto pilot feeling was insane. I was out of control once I started. I am scared that once I come down from this that I am going to be back where I was, but since this is not what my body is craving, I am going to screw up and really relapse. I am crying, wondering what is going to happen today. Every time my mind starts spinning in that direction, I try to stop it as quickly as I can. The period of time between those thoughts are getting shorter and shorter. Why is this disease so manipulative. There are periods of time where I think that I can get away with just using for a few days. I know that is not true. I know that I can't even just touch it once or I'm screwed! I'm thankful for this site keeping me focused on staying clean, but I can't type all day. I know there is someone out there that knows where I'm at. I FEEL helpless...like I'm doomed to fail. BUT, I KNOW that this is the point where I DO have a choice. I have not felt this way since the beginning of my recovery and at that time, I had so many eyes on me that I would have lost everything if I slipped. Now I have myself thinking that whatever happens won't be anything like how it was years ago. I have earned so much trust back...it took a long time and my family is no where near healed from my choices. HELP! please.

Cassandra48

Congratulations on two years and one month! Omg what I wouldn't give to be where you are! I'm only on day6! Try and remember how hard the early wd's are. You really don't want to go through that again. I've tried so many times to quit and never made it past day 3. You've already proven that you can do this! Stay strong!

chained

Thank you for making me think back to my day 6. Man was that hard! I remember the frustration of not knowing whether or not I was capable of making it...constantly thinking "am I going to go through all this just to not make it and throw it away?" Little did I know that I would run in to that challenge two years later. I did make it and I know I CAN do it! You are right. I can get through this and so can you. It does get easier. This situation I am in right now is most definitely my biggest trigger in life. I didn't prepare and it snuck up on me when I least expected it.
Cassandra, may God bless you in your journey. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I am feeling better and I will remember your words.
Hope to see you around.
"One day at a time...right now, one hour at a time."

Pandora1

Hang in there! Don't give into those cravings. I have been out of rehab for a month and this week was really been bad for me. Twice I had to call for help. I keep telling myself you don't want to be where you were in April. I don't! I don't want that feeling that there is nothing left for me to do but kill myself. You have worked so hard don't ruin that. Yes, your family is out of town and that means support. Go to a meeting, go Christmas shopping, anything to get your mind off of it. Great time to shop if family is out of town and a better way to spend your money.

I didn't do Christmas last year due to having a hysterectomy and no money. I have and $400 and why would I want to put that in my veins or up my nose when I can have a great Christmas this year. I no longer have to worry about having cervical cancer or about the tumor in my uterus, so spend the money on gifts for my family who has been there for me this past year.

Call friends! Just don't use! Come here and post till you can't type anymore.

BobbyJoe

Chained--congrats on the 2 years + month. I can't wait till I can say I have been clean that long.

Try try try to keep busy. Do something. Anything. Get out! Don't sit around or your mind will fool you.
Everyone falls down during recovery--just get right back up!

Cassandra48

Hi chained. I've been thinking about you all day. How are you doing? Mentally I'm having a rough day but physically I feel ok. I hope you made it through today drug free. What's worse than having a one day relapse? A 2 day then 3 day and so on. You've beat this once before. It's people like you that are getting me through this one hour at a time. Please let us know how you're doing.

chained

I can't remember if I posted it or not somewhere...I think I did. I want to make sure I'm honest though. I slipped. I used big time yesterday. That is probably why I don't remember whether or not I posted. I felt so good before I messed up. I just kept thinking of the words you guys left me and it was helping so much! I let my guard down in a situation that I knew was a big trigger for me. Dang it!
Anyway...done and over. I learned from it, now move on. Now to continue on with the important things in life. I have two huge papers I have to get written tonight, so that will definitely keep me busy. I just wanted to stop in and check on things.
Cassandra, you have been in my thoughts as well. I'm glad you are physically feeling better. How was today for you? Have you gone to any meetings recently? Drop me a line or two when you get a chance so I know you are staying strong. Keep up the good work darlin' It is so sickening to go back to that crap after you have been away from it. Thanks again. You are a symbol of strength to me right now. You are in a tougher spot than I am and if you're doing it, I certainly can do it.
We'll talk later

IvanKatz

It's not what you did yesterday... It's what you do today!

Cassandra48

Chained you did post about your relapse, you were honest. I think that's huge. You're right, I'm depressed, but I keep telling myself that I'll be even more depressed if I relapse and let myself down. I can't be defeated by this addiction one more time. I keep hoping that tomorrow will be easier, even just a little. I will not keep the money in the bank like I usually do, I'll pay some bills with it. I've cheated my kids of a sober mother and now they are young men. I pray to God they never suspected that I was an addict. Am an addict. Since you only relapsed oe day, I pray you don't suffer wd's and can just move on from this. I too watch for your posts. You inspire ME!