Waiting4Freedom

Day 2 today. Feeling ok physically, had a headache earlier but ibuprofen took care of it... Imagine that!!
It's just the mental (yes I am) part of it that I have the hardest time with. She's smarter than I am (AV). Been feeling a little down here and there today but I'm at work and have some good co workers that help get me thru the day.

When I get out of work is when the misery will start.
Hoping I hear from "him" today but at the same time I hope I don't. No clue what his new number is or if he even got one. I just keep telling myself I don't care about him it's just his drugs I care about. But no I don't care about those either. Right? Right.

Sorry just gotta let it out,

FT

W4F,

I don't want to sound mean, but how about you just MAKE UP YOUR MIND whether you are a substance-abuser or not.

You have a child, right? What the hell are you doing? I don't care how clever you believe yourself to be in hiding your use from your child, but kids are FAR more perceptive than you give them credit for. What they see around them growing up becomes their normal. What kind of coping skills are you demonstrating for your child?

I'm sorry, but I get impatient where kids are concerned. If your daughter is still very young, she still has a shot at learning "normal" behavior. YOU are not showing her that if you are using. The fact is that your kid is growing up in a drug house. Whether you hide it or not, it is a fact.

I've read a lot of your posts, and I wonder if you just want a soft place to land and have everyone tell you it is okay to keep relapsing. However, you are really not relapsing -- you are just continuously a substance-abuser who pauses periodically.

Make up your damn mind. If you want to use, then use. Quit the fantasy act about your drug dealer calling you, as though removing numbers from your phone will stop you. Only YOU can stop you, and it wouldn't matter if fifteen drug dealers still had your number.

Normally I tell people to quit for themselves, because if they quit for someone else it won't work. However, you have a kid. If you can't respect yourself enough to quit, think of your daughter.

Seriously, I really do want you to have a place where you feel safe sharing what you are doing. But there is a kid involved here, so I implore you to get a spine and quit, for your kid if nothing else. She only has one shot at learning to be a "normal" and FUNCTIONAL adult.

EyesOfAStranger

Waiting, I know that was probably hard to read and you may feel a little bruised right now, but I am so glad that FT said it. Someone with some time and knowledge needed to step in. I'm too young in my own sobriety to be that voice of reason that we all need. I don't know how much reading you do here waiting, but FT is a user that I have respect for to the umpteenth degree. And we've never talked - I've just read her posts. But I will tell you, she knows what she is talking about. She is upfront, honest, and full of information. Please, take some time to truly digest her words.

I do understand the struggle, I am going through the same thing - but you do finally just have to say this is it. And end it. It sucks. But it can be done. I will be honest, I did not know you had a child. That does add an extra layer to the cake - another life you need to think of - another life you are in charge of. That does make a difference.

I can relate, and I know you can get this together. I said this somewhere before but I know all about the AV and how horrible she is. But that AV is in our brain, so we are the AV. I think through your various attempts you are learning what does not work. Use that knowledge - and this time avoid all those things and you will make it! Pick yourself up, shake the dust off, and do this with me! Do this with me and four!

FT

Waiting,

Have you made it to Day 3?

four812

Hi waiting

I hope you are doing ok today. Hang in there and try go be gentle with yourself. Try to be understanding of the part of you that wants to use. Hold it. Understand that it hurts. Take care of it with love and not with giving in.

I know for me that it is about trying to run away from myself, my shame. No matter where the drug takes me I'm always right back in the same cage with myself.

I pray that you may find the wonderful soft spot in your heart/soul an hold it in your hands and never let go

I look forward to the good reports coming from you about your recovery!

EyesOfAStranger

Waiting - please check in! Talk it out, you may be amazed what you learn about yourself when you just let it out of your head on to the page. Is there anything we here can do to help you? C'mon girl, you got this!