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Is it possible...?

Old 09-10-2011, 02:40 PM
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polyaddicted cocanut
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Is it possible...?

so for those of you who don't know all the details, I'm 19 years old, smoked marijuana daily when I was 16, started abusing prescription amphetamines when I was 16 or 17, used cocaine about 4 days out of the week for 4 months when I was 18... as well as abusing benzos. developed panic disorder, went to a therapist for help- told him about my drug use, he recommended I go to rehab, thus starting my recovery. (after failed attempts)
overall, looking back on it... part of it was an attention thing. I used alone 95% of the time, but for some reason I felt like a "bad ass" and the idea of being an addict didn't scare me, hell, at the time I thought that would be "cool"... Negative attention seemed to be a good thing, maybe I liked the idea of people fearing me or feeling sorry for me, either one I guess. So as you could imagine, I didn't try to control my using, instead with every drug I tried I would use it all day everyday (or as much as my body would allow me). It got to the point though where I didn't enjoy the drugs, and I would have panic attacks each time I used (the reason I went to therapy...) after all, the panic attacks/anxiety were my problem, not the drugs (sarcasm).

I have a relative who started smoking weed at 11, started drinking at 13, and using cocaine regularly (he transported the drugs to dealers and got a cut of it at age 13, he told me all the details, it was crazy) at that age on up until he was 19.

He drinks beer on the weekends. He works a job, seems successful, not violent, gets his sh*t done, and doesn't use any illegal substances.

I have asked this a long time ago, and I know that you can't advocate the use of drugs or alcohol, but this time the question is a little different besides "is it ok to drink?"...

What I want to know is..
is it possible that I'm not even an addict? Is it possible that I can drink responsibly?
a cold beer seems relatively harmless imo... I think I am capable of drinking one or 2 or 3 and just stopping... I mean I have never tried but I know I never really liked feeling "out of control"
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Old 09-10-2011, 03:44 PM
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If you have to "try" to control your drinking, then you have a drinking problem. If it takes effort to stop, you've got a problem in the making.

I personally cannot drink responsibly. When I was shooting heroin I always drank large amounts of alcohol to "increase my buzz". It was quite a dangerous mix, I woke up in the ER a few times for a few overdose incidents. To this day, I crave alcohol, not because I like the taste but because I want to be "messed up" on something. That is the sign of an addict, feeling like we need to be messed up on something to feel better about yourself.

There are some addicts that can drink. But why do you wanna test it? Do you like the taste of booze so much that you're willing to test your addictive personality with alcohol?
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Old 09-10-2011, 04:11 PM
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I'm sure non addicted people enjoy the feeling a few drinks gives them. who drinks alcohol for the taste? (besides my grandfather).... Just because I might be an addict doesn't mean I can't enjoy the feeling produced by alcohol without drinking all the time or too much...

For some reason everyone in AA/Rehab acts like only alcoholics enjoy the effect produced by alcohol... I mean, plenty of non alcoholics enjoy a little "buzz", why else would they drink?

So, of course I want to be under the influence of a mind altering substance, that's the whole point of drinking alcohol isn't it? It's just a matter of how much... personally I don't like the feeling produced by too many drinks... This goes against everything I was ever told. I was always told that "once an alcoholic has one drink they cannot stop"... Well, for me, I had to stop after a few because there was a line where I was "out of my comfort zone"... I guess that's where the confusion is... How could I be an addict or alcoholic if I didn't like the way too much of anything made me feel? I could always control my drinking... I never really tried to control it because it was never a problem...

It just seems unfair that I can't have a beer with my friends because I might be an alcoholic or addict, whenever the definition in the big book doesn't even apply to me
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Old 09-10-2011, 04:22 PM
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Hi underoath,

My experience with alcohol began very innocently. My boyfriend had alcoholic parents who fed him wine from a young age. I later married him, and I only drank sometimes, because I'd get a headache if I drank too much or too often. Later, I drank just a little more often, then daily, then more.

Just because you don't have an alcohol problem now doesn't mean one won't develop over time. Over the years, I found I have an addictive personality. I drank for years before I admitted I was drinking too much, then about 20 years ago I stopped. It was hard to do by the time I did it. The old addictive personality came back to bite me a couple of years ago when I got addicted to oxycodone after surgery. Another hard quit.

It just isn't worth the pain of having to stop something after you're addicted. It's so much better never to let it become a problem to start with.

I'm no prude, and I don't mind drinkers being around me. I just don't mess with it anymore. Now I'm trying to look at oxycodone the same way. In my profession, I can't help but be around it, so it is necessary to do that, or I'd just avoid it entirely.

Good luck.

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Old 09-10-2011, 04:36 PM
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Underoath, I have known an alcoholic that never gets "drunk". He simply drinks enough to be buzzed 24/7.

Honestly dude, it's just alcohol. Is it worth risking it? What drug were you abusing for you to get on this forum? It's really easy to trade one addiction for another. People do it ALL THE TIME. You are not above this behavior, and if you think you somehow are then you may one day be thoroughly disappointed.
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Old 09-10-2011, 04:45 PM
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polyaddicted cocanut
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i guess the fact i feel so discontented about not being able to drink may be an indicator i have a problem
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Old 09-10-2011, 04:50 PM
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UnderO

I was a pot smoker - I never liked alcohol too much - too many alcoholics in my family.

Then I got in deep and had to give pot up - I started to drink a bit...I really grew to like it, and it kicked my butt for years.

My advice is to keep walking forward - you've come a long way but you're still struggling with sobriety and you admit that - frankly I think drinking would be doubling back for you, UO - sounds like it might be a back door thing to me.

D
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