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Old 09-04-2011, 09:46 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Help! is my decision justified??


Hi, and thank you for viewing this thread.
For legal reasons I will not reveal where I live, my name, nor the name
of anyone else. I am troubled and need the kind of help that I can only recieve behind the anonymity of the internet. I would very much appreciate a response, even to my ponderings about proportionate revenge and suicide. Thanks.

I'm 16 and my Dad has been an alcoholic off and on for the first 12 years of my life. He kept promising to quit, then finally did and turned to heroin. Then after he came clean from that, and now he is doing crystal meth. He was once a dentist but has lost his practice, his friends and some of his family. He lies and manipulates and steals from his own family. I have developed a condition called GERD where stomach acid comes up my throat and burns the insides of my mouth and makes it difficult for me to breath because of stress directly related to my Dad. Also, besides that, I have been stressed out and visibly troubled at school because of worrying and hatred. My Dad won't admit he has a problem, and is a sick twisted individual. I live at two seperate households, my Dad's and my Mom's, but I have stayed at my Dad's for roughly half the time out of a feeling of guilt if I don't, like I'm abandoning him. He snaps at me sometimes and refuses to admit he does certain drugs. He also stole money from me and some of my friends I had invited over. He also threatened my step sister with a knife after an argument. I have read at length about two forms of justice. One involves love and forgiveness, while the other is called proportionate revenge, where you get justice by inflicting the same amount of pain you received, back at the person who gave it to you. I'm thinking I could get revenge by deserting my Dad for years, telling him he is awful and sick, and refusing to return any calls or emails until he is clean and has his dental license back. Because I am my Dad's only son this would have a devastating effect on him and make him feel immensely guilty. Would proportionate revenge be justified in this situation? I feel tempted to make his life a living hell for two or three years because I have tried to get him to stop taking drugs but he always relapses, manipulates and lies.
On a side note, if my Dad committed suicide because of a huge amount of guilt at the pain he's caused me, would it be sick and twisted myself to get a bittersweet satisfaction from that? Like he repaying his crimes with his most valuable asset, his life? Also, is it possible for me to be prosecuted for contributing to my Dad's suicide if he did kill himself after I deserted him and told him how much I hated him? I live in North America if that helps to determine the legal standards.

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Old 09-04-2011, 10:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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My son's drug of choice is meth- he's been in and out of active use for several years. I know that someone else cannot force an addict to get clean - threats, guilt, anger, other types of manipulation don't work. Also, while expressing your anger toward your dad might make you feel better, he's already in a hell of his own making so whatever you say or do probably won't make that much of a difference. I am SO sorry for what you are going through. You need to do what is best for you- living with your dad part of the time because you don't want to abandon him obviously is causing you a lot of physical and mental stress.
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Old 09-04-2011, 10:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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My heroin-addicted dad committed suicide when I was 17. Believe me, you will not feel ANY satisfaction if that did in fact come... you might think you will but you won't. I thought I wanted him dead, out of my life, I thought he didn't deserve to live after all the hell he put my family through. Turns out I didn't once he was gone. My dad did terrible, horrible things. Broke my family apart, treated my mom, sister, and I terribly. He would lie, steal, and drive with my sister and I while high. He would abuse, neglect, and use words as a weapon. I found him dead in our apartment (my mom and sister left 2 years before), I did not feel one ounce of satisfaction. I felt panic, grief, guilt, and abandonment, even though I was not the cause. You would not be the cause of his suicide, therefore nothing "legal" can happen against you. Suicide is really their decision and it's based on a ton of factors, not just one thing happening. When someone commits suicide, they are usually deeply depressed for a very long time beforehand.

You should check out the "Family and Friends" section on this forum. You will find a lot of help there to find your own peace and learn how to focus on you and not the addict. Only you control your life and your happiness, no one else should.

I believe it is fully within your right to tell him how much you hate him, how you hate his actions, how you hate his lies and it might even make you feel a bit better because we generally live in such silence. It is also fully within your right to cut off all contact with him and not feel guilty about it. He's manipulating you and making your life hell, so it's your choice to put all the focus back on you and not on him. He should not have a say in how happy your life is or how fulfilled of a person you should be. If you believe that you would be better off not talking to him, then don't. It's a healthy choice. Don't expect him to all of the sudden change though, he will not get clean because you said this or because you have cut off contact with him. He must make his own choice to get clean. Nothing will change his mind until he hits his "bottom." Remember that you didn't cause his addiction, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.

You should really look into codependent behaviors. There is a lot of information on the Family and Friends section about codependency if you would like to read more.

I'm 20 now, it gets better once you get out of the home with the addict. In my case, I didn't really have to leave the home...he left me.
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Old 09-04-2011, 11:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks very much for the replies!
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Old 09-04-2011, 11:18 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Speedy, my concern is that if my Dad hits rock bottom, he will kill himself. His mortgage is 8000 dollars behind and he has a a half a million dollar house that he could have afforded because he was a dentist before. Now he's not a dentist, he gets disability payments of 2000 a month, and the mortgage alone is 1950. Within a month or two he will lose the house and be out on the streets because his family won't take him in. =(
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Old 09-05-2011, 07:06 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Unfortunately all you can do is let him lose everything, then see if he wants to get clean. If he doesn't and he starts making threats of suicide (and sometimes they don't outwardly, though a lot of addicts do just to manipulate you) then the police can be involved. I'm sorry SecretIdentity, there's not much you can do.

After reading on these boards, A LOT of addicts end up homeless, out of a job and a home, but somehow they find money for drugs that could be better spent elsewhere and sometimes they realize how terrible their life has become and get clean. I hope your dad is one of those people.

Most addicts need to lose everything before they get clean. For me to get motivated about staying clean (I'm a speed addict if you couldn't tell from my name, haha) I had to see my dad die from his own addiction (albeit indirectly), lose my mom and sister (though I have my sister back now), and almost flunk out of high school. I didn't want to turn out like my dad, I missed having a family, and I really wanted to have a future, not be another drop out -- so I decided to get clean and start fresh. Unfortunately everything has to come from us, our families cannot save us necessarily.

I urge you to check out this section of the forum: Friends and Family of Substance Abusers. They helped me a TON when I first came here, initially I was here to talk about my dad and all his addiction issues.
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Old 09-11-2011, 12:00 AM   #7 (permalink)
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SecretIdentity: You really have a major decision to make here my dear. Being addicted to opiates as I was for many years. I can tell you one thing that is the God's honest truth. YOU cannot do or say anything to make him stop using. No one could do this for me when I was all strung out. I had to and did make the decision to stop using on my own. I had 2 1/2 years clean before an injury where I had to have surgery. It was a roller coaster on and off the opiates for a while. I now have 205 days clean again. It's my choice to stay off of them. The doctors would keep prescribing them if I wanted them to. But I choose not to take them. This has to be your dad's choice.

Your dad doesn't really know who he is or who you are any more. His love right now is the DOC he chooses to forget what has happened in his life. He will hit bottom or will die. The other option he has is jail at the rate he's going. There's just no easy way to put it. When he hits bottom. He'll either be willing to get help or will go back out and probably take so much he'll die from over dose.

This kind of life is so hard to recover from, but there are a multitude of ppl that HAVE. If you decide to Xnay the relationship, it needs to be because it's your choice. You have your whole future ahead of you and don't need to be living in that kind of environment since you are allowed to stay with your mother.

Your dad is going to shout all sorts of insults your way and probably threaten suicide to get you to stay. But just remember this. He isn't himself right now. It will scare him more than anger him to have you walk out of his life. This might be what wakes him up or not. No one can predict what an addict will do in the throes of addiction.

I wish you well and hope things turn out for the best with your family.

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