Relapse/overdose
Grateful to be free
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Relapse/overdose
I've been in recovery a little over two years. Three weeks ago I relapsed/overdosed in a suicide attempt. Looking over the proceeding months I see some of the behaviors and slips in my recovery behavior that led to my relapse. Stubborness and pride are two major ones. I am feeling pretty discouraged now, half determined and half like "what's the use".
I realize that one of the things I must do is to be active here. I need the insights, support, and honesty of other recovering addicts. I don't feel like I've thrown it ALL away, but I surely put a lot of what I learned aside, and sure enough, my addict behavior roared to life once again.
So, here I am. Putting one foot in front of the other. Wondering why it's so hard to do what I know will give me my life back, a life worth living. I had forgotten how stubborn and resentful I can be, and I wonder why those things are SO hard to put down. Harder, for sure than putting down the drugs themselves.
Threshold
I realize that one of the things I must do is to be active here. I need the insights, support, and honesty of other recovering addicts. I don't feel like I've thrown it ALL away, but I surely put a lot of what I learned aside, and sure enough, my addict behavior roared to life once again.
So, here I am. Putting one foot in front of the other. Wondering why it's so hard to do what I know will give me my life back, a life worth living. I had forgotten how stubborn and resentful I can be, and I wonder why those things are SO hard to put down. Harder, for sure than putting down the drugs themselves.
Threshold
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi Threshold and welcome back if you have been away for awhile!
One thing I have seen to be a commonality here is that a lot of addiction goes hand in hand with depression and other mental health issues, such as anxiety, manic, bipolar, etc. Hey, I've been there.
For me, I have fought depression for years, and I did not need oxycodone in my life, tricking MY "addict brain" into thinking it was a good mental health drug, even though it seemed to be at first. It just isn't, despite what it seems to be in early use before adaptation, dependence, and toxicity set it.
I won't go further into that here. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. The best thing I ever did was find help for my depression. I got counseling and was eventually put on the RIGHT medication, not an opiate and for me not an SSRI. If you have tried and failed to get help for how you feel, please don't give up. It took a bunch of false starts for me, and I went to half a dozen counselors I hated until I found one that clicked with me.
It is difficult not to be stubborn and resentful when you feel like crap. I don't think you have thrown anything away at all. Whatever brought you to a suicide attempt, don't try to figure it out alone. NA might provide good support, and nothing will replace one on one counseling as well as a doc who can help you get through this.
Hang in there.
FT
One thing I have seen to be a commonality here is that a lot of addiction goes hand in hand with depression and other mental health issues, such as anxiety, manic, bipolar, etc. Hey, I've been there.
For me, I have fought depression for years, and I did not need oxycodone in my life, tricking MY "addict brain" into thinking it was a good mental health drug, even though it seemed to be at first. It just isn't, despite what it seems to be in early use before adaptation, dependence, and toxicity set it.
I won't go further into that here. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. The best thing I ever did was find help for my depression. I got counseling and was eventually put on the RIGHT medication, not an opiate and for me not an SSRI. If you have tried and failed to get help for how you feel, please don't give up. It took a bunch of false starts for me, and I went to half a dozen counselors I hated until I found one that clicked with me.
It is difficult not to be stubborn and resentful when you feel like crap. I don't think you have thrown anything away at all. Whatever brought you to a suicide attempt, don't try to figure it out alone. NA might provide good support, and nothing will replace one on one counseling as well as a doc who can help you get through this.
Hang in there.
FT
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Threshold))) - glad your suicide attempt didn't work. When I was abusing opiates, I never intended to kill myself, but I took enough that should have. I then proceeded to develop a crack addiction.
I agree with ((FT)) that support is vital. SR is great, it's been my main source of recovery, but I also use what I learned back when I went to AA (even though I went there for the opiates, not alcohol).
Life is going to hard, sometimes, but using just is no longer an option for me. When I relapsed, I went into a deep depression afterward, hated myself, thought I was the scum of the earth, etc. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, and after 6 months, I finally signed on here (after lurking for about a year).
It may take a while to believe it, but tell yourself you DO deserve a life without using, because you really do.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I agree with ((FT)) that support is vital. SR is great, it's been my main source of recovery, but I also use what I learned back when I went to AA (even though I went there for the opiates, not alcohol).
Life is going to hard, sometimes, but using just is no longer an option for me. When I relapsed, I went into a deep depression afterward, hated myself, thought I was the scum of the earth, etc. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, and after 6 months, I finally signed on here (after lurking for about a year).
It may take a while to believe it, but tell yourself you DO deserve a life without using, because you really do.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Grateful to be free
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Thanks for your encouragement and input. I am diagnosed bi-polar, PTSD, and panic disorder, and have been receiving mental health care for upwards of 25 yrs. It had done me a world of good, but a string of recent events led to me putting down my recovery behavior and picking up my bad habits, starting with thinking and ending with a toxic cocktail.
I am really exhausted and disillusioned, but I know that any hope I do have is lost if I don't get back to recovery real quick.
I am really exhausted and disillusioned, but I know that any hope I do have is lost if I don't get back to recovery real quick.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hey! How about some stories of relapse followed by recovery here!
For me, the entire second year of my oxycodone use was a virtual series of relapses, followed by false promises to myself, then relapses again. I must have done it at least monthly last year. That's how long I tried to taper off drugs, only to fail miserably at it.
What finally worked for me was the realization that I have only so many recoveries left in me, and that one more relapse would either kill me or I would have to look back at the last one and make it my last.
I finally stopped oxys the week that I took so many pills the night before, I couldn't remember how many and had to count how many pills I had left to find out. That scared me. I was sick constantly from toxicity, and I knew I had to stop.
That was in December. I stopped. I'm not going back.
FT
For me, the entire second year of my oxycodone use was a virtual series of relapses, followed by false promises to myself, then relapses again. I must have done it at least monthly last year. That's how long I tried to taper off drugs, only to fail miserably at it.
What finally worked for me was the realization that I have only so many recoveries left in me, and that one more relapse would either kill me or I would have to look back at the last one and make it my last.
I finally stopped oxys the week that I took so many pills the night before, I couldn't remember how many and had to count how many pills I had left to find out. That scared me. I was sick constantly from toxicity, and I knew I had to stop.
That was in December. I stopped. I'm not going back.
FT
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((FT))) - I wasn't really sure, when I relapsed, if I could really do this "recovery thing" but a little over 4 years later, I can't even fathom living any other way. I decided to give it all I had, for 6 months, and if I didn't like it...crack is everywhere. I've never looked back
Thanks for the reminder that we can, and do recover.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Thanks for the reminder that we can, and do recover.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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