Not well
 

Hello i have been sober for three months. I was hooked on oxycontin for two years. I go to a treatment center and i am perscribed a very low dose of suboxone. They want me to go to aa but i cannot because of deep personal reservations. They say i will never be tuly happy and content wihout working the steps. I have deep anxiety and depression. Please tell me what to do. Is thi still just PAWS. I isolate alot and am not happy with myself. I managed to lose twenty pounds though.

Hi Ttal and welcome!

I was addicted to oxycodone for 2 years also, and I stopped using in December. I am at 5 months out now, and I feel pretty good. But I gained about 40 pounds while on oxys due to immobility, partly due to the orthopedic surgeries I was recovering from at the same time, but I have just recently been getting back enough energy to start exercising again. Plus the weather has been crappy.

At 3 months, I would hope you are feeling better, but truthfully, a lot of us got hooked on opiates in part because they make all your worries and depression go away. For awhile. Of course, this is fake, and when tolerance builds, the effects are not as good, and eventually they don't really help your depression at all. In fact, the oxys weakened my natural resilience so much, I thought I would never feel normal again.

So, any residual depression you may have had to start with is still going to be there in recovery. I don't do NA or AA either, for a number of reasons.

I hope you can get help for your depression and anxiety, if that it is. Getting clean does not mean you have to suffer from medical illnesses like depression that can be treated with non opiates.

Good luck, and don't give up.

FT

Thanks I appreciate that. Do you feel like a dry drunk or dry drug addicts though like they say?

Ha!

My mother in law used to use that term. In the "olden days" it used to refer to people who gave up drinking but kept acting belligerant and were generally know-it-alls that hounded everyone else to stop drinking.

So, no, I haven't done any of that. But, I must say, I am a pretty staunch crusader for recovery here, and hopefully I am not too belligerant.

FT

So if you do not participate in na what do you do for your recovery? And do you ever have an occasional drink?

(((Ttal))) - I went to meetings when I was abusing opiates. I later developed my crack addiction (has nothing to do with the meetings..I just wasn't ready to deal with life) which brought me to my knees.

I don't go to meetings, now, but I use what I learned there. I do have a strong faith in HP (mine is God, yours can be whatever you choose). For me, I have to believe there is someone I can hand things over to, that cares about me enough to let me struggle, learn my lessons, and move forward.

I use SR as my main support, and have made many friends here who I am constantly in touch with. As my recovery has progressed, I made my own "recovery path". It may not work for anyone else on this earth, but it works for me. I don't believe there is any ONE way to recover for everyone. Some people use a little bit of this, a little bit of that (AA, SMART, counseling, etc.)

I agree with ((FT)) that you may want to see a dr. A lot of us "self-medicated" for mental/medical issues and when we're no longer using, it all comes back, along with whatever feelings we have about having been using.

I didn't have withdrawals, PAWS, because crack is purely a mental addiction. I can say, however, it was quite a while before I felt "normal" and even then, "normal" changed. I'd been abusing something or other and in codependent relationships for decades...I didn't even know what normal WAS. It took time to learn who I was again.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

I also used meetings years ago, but more recently I just have a really tight family support structure.

I really recommend getting some good up front support, and NA or AA can be a place. There are other support groups I don't know about.

I also like to read, and one book called "Worry" by Hallowell is good if you want to know how your mind works in depression and anxiety, even if you don't think you have it. Another is "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle, which is a good philosophical book without being specifically religious, and is excellent. You can get the audio version free on line.

Ft

Cool thanks for the help. At my treament center they stress intensively the dopamine modl for addiction. Has anyone heard of his model and do they tink its true or is addiction more behavioral.

I've never been to an AA/NA meeting, but I think it is absolutely possible to recover without them. There is no shortage of information on addiction recovery in our society. Same goes for medical help. What AA/NA offers is the element of a live community of addicts to reach out to and learn from. I might check out an NA meeting one of these days, but you can be assured that there is plenty of information out there for you to consume on your own.

Is it absolutely horrible to have a few drinks from time to time. I have never had the slightest poblem with alcohol.

(((Ttal)) - I'm a firm believer in the dopamine theory. This is NOT medical advice, just letting you know a little about it.

Dopamine and endorphins are the "feel good" parts of our brain. When we consistently use something else to get that "feel good" feeling, the brain basically says "great, I don't have to produce any more stuff, I get a vacation!!" Then, when we stop, the brain has to come OFF of vacation, and start producing the "feel good" stuff on it's own, and it takes time. That's why a lot of us go into a depression after we get clean (along with other stuff...for me, dealing with consequences and stuff).

Most of the time the brain recovers just fine, but for those of us who are into "instant gratification" it seems to take waaaayyyyy too long. Exercise, BTW, is one of the things that boosts the "feel good" stuff, along with anything you really enjoy. You ever hear about people who run getting a "runner's high"? That's the dopamine at work.

Bottom line is, it's up to us to give our brain time time to heal, and find other things to boost the "feel good".

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Thanks for all of your help. I am really aggravated for the past couple of days. I keep having alot of thoughts of using or past use when times were good pop up in mY head. I DO NOT want to ever take opiates again, but in aa and na they put in my head i have no control of he drug. I want to stop thinking about these damn opiates. Why now it is the worst today and yesterday as it has been the last three months. I am finally start to feel good but this stuff is driving me nuts. I am so scared and never want to use them things again, but hey say you are powerless over relapse. I hate this ****. Will hese cravings ever go away. They are the worst they have been in the three months since i quit. I even have dreams about using. Why? I am so scared about relapsing.

(((Ttal))) - I've posted this, many times, before but this is what helped me get through the cravings. When they would come, I'd say "not an option..next" with "next" meaning to distract myself...study (I'm in school), work, listen to music that made me feel good, etc. I'd also remind myself of the WORST times in my using, which for me, was my last relapse.

In time, my mind would automatically be distracting me before I realized I'd even thought about crack. You didn't get to this point because using was all good..there have to be negatives that brought you here. Think about THEM, instead of the "good times" and do something healthy to get your mind off of it.

Sounds really simple, but it works. I had to do it 100's of times a day, at first, but can honestly say I no longer have cravings, just occasional thoughts, and they don't last but a minute or less.

There are plenty of stories on here of people who have done some serious damage with pills (and other substances). It only gets worse if we go back to it. Some don't make it out alive.

Isolation is one of the worst things we can do. I do that, sometimes, but force myself to get out of the house, drive through the country, looking at horses, cows, baby goats, pretty flowers, etc. is a good thing. My jobs also allow me to come in contact with a lot of people, and that gets me out of my head.

You were on the oxys for 2 years...3 months is still a fairly early time to be feeling "normal" and if the anxiety/depression continues, I'd recommend checking with a dr. Remember when I said the dopamine takes a while to start working again? What helps it along is finding healthier ways to boost it. Watch a movie that makes you laugh until you have tears running down your face. Take a walk and look for the beauty in the world..a little kid laughing and playing, a cute puppy, etc. In my earlier recovery I just didn't SEE this stuff, and refused to watch anything but serious stuff on TV, but it got better.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

TTAL, I wish the best for you.

Impurrfect had an amazing post. Everything is spot on. I have a biochem degree and alot of experience in the topic.

Opiate pain killers do not act like normal pain relievers (like tylenol). They basically just send "happy messages" to your dopamine receptors, and you'll feel good.

When you abuse for so long, your brain eventually stops making its normal signals to your dopamine receptors, because it's been flooded from the drugs.

It takes alot of time to get back to normal. The anxiety/depression I've felt for the past 6 months sucks, and it really is mind over matter. Your brain needs to start creating signals to your dopamine receptors. It's a gradual process, but just take it one moment at a time.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Thanks yall are great. Let me ask do yall participate in na?

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