I'm going cold-turkey from Oxycodone
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi Alma
Hi Alma,
You are one of the people I think about a lot, as I know you are there. I find so much strength in the spirit of SBH and the pensive repose of G2C, who struggles but perseveres, and posting my hopes and encouragement for them here helps me as much as I hope that it helps them.
I spoke of the clusters of souls who converge on this forum, as posters or observers, hopefully gaining strength and taking some of the words here with them to remember and go back to.
Rinky can do this, and so can you. This is the hardest s--t I have ever come across. I had no idea a drug could get its hooks into you like opiates do. My first "taste" of it was Vicodin, which thankfully made me so sick I could not use it. The next time around, the docs went around my Vicodin allergy (really, just adverse reaction) and gave me Percocet and then Oxycodone and OxyContin. Lordie, Lordie, I did NOT know what I was getting into.
But hooks they do have on you, and the destruction they cause to the pain centers in our nervous system is unbelievable. These drugs re-route our wiring in such a way that we begin to believe that opiates are the only possible way to normalcy. I believed it. I can't believe I believed that lie when I think about it now. In the midst of using, we just don't see it.
Keep going, keep reading, ask us questions, post your thoughts. I try to add a little scientific bent to the mix, because I do think it helps us talk back to our addict brains when we know the chemical reasons behind why we feel the way we do when we withdraw. And to know that healing of the damage done by the opiates is possible, and that we can actually feel BETTER off the drug than we did while we were on it.
There is no replacing the opiate "high", or "place of well being and calm thoughts" that I used to love, crave, strive for, spend all my time trying to get back to, as that place became more and more elusive the more drug I took. So insidious, is this drug. The thing we don't realize is that, once lost, that "place" is NEVER to be found again. It doesn't matter how much drug you take, or if you switch to something stronger. That "honeymoon" feeling never returns, and you can run forever towards it, trying to regain it, but you never will. It is false, a lie to get us to keep using.
Do what you can today, right this moment, for yourself. You deserve to feel better. You won't suffer with this forever. That feeling of zero energy was the worst for me, so physical and yet psychological at once. It does pass, and I am just now feeling some return of my old energy. I haven't taken an oxy since December 15. That is not very long ago, and I will not put myself in the position of access as this is still a vulnerable time for me.
Peace, guys. Hey G2C --- please post, how are you?
You are one of the people I think about a lot, as I know you are there. I find so much strength in the spirit of SBH and the pensive repose of G2C, who struggles but perseveres, and posting my hopes and encouragement for them here helps me as much as I hope that it helps them.
I spoke of the clusters of souls who converge on this forum, as posters or observers, hopefully gaining strength and taking some of the words here with them to remember and go back to.
Rinky can do this, and so can you. This is the hardest s--t I have ever come across. I had no idea a drug could get its hooks into you like opiates do. My first "taste" of it was Vicodin, which thankfully made me so sick I could not use it. The next time around, the docs went around my Vicodin allergy (really, just adverse reaction) and gave me Percocet and then Oxycodone and OxyContin. Lordie, Lordie, I did NOT know what I was getting into.
But hooks they do have on you, and the destruction they cause to the pain centers in our nervous system is unbelievable. These drugs re-route our wiring in such a way that we begin to believe that opiates are the only possible way to normalcy. I believed it. I can't believe I believed that lie when I think about it now. In the midst of using, we just don't see it.
Keep going, keep reading, ask us questions, post your thoughts. I try to add a little scientific bent to the mix, because I do think it helps us talk back to our addict brains when we know the chemical reasons behind why we feel the way we do when we withdraw. And to know that healing of the damage done by the opiates is possible, and that we can actually feel BETTER off the drug than we did while we were on it.
There is no replacing the opiate "high", or "place of well being and calm thoughts" that I used to love, crave, strive for, spend all my time trying to get back to, as that place became more and more elusive the more drug I took. So insidious, is this drug. The thing we don't realize is that, once lost, that "place" is NEVER to be found again. It doesn't matter how much drug you take, or if you switch to something stronger. That "honeymoon" feeling never returns, and you can run forever towards it, trying to regain it, but you never will. It is false, a lie to get us to keep using.
Do what you can today, right this moment, for yourself. You deserve to feel better. You won't suffer with this forever. That feeling of zero energy was the worst for me, so physical and yet psychological at once. It does pass, and I am just now feeling some return of my old energy. I haven't taken an oxy since December 15. That is not very long ago, and I will not put myself in the position of access as this is still a vulnerable time for me.
Peace, guys. Hey G2C --- please post, how are you?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: nc
Posts: 765
Originally Posted by failedtaper 
Hey dude.
You are not pathetic. And you are not alone. You sound like you have done a good job getting rid off the other drugs.
You can do this the rest of the way. Lots of us on here have posted while we are tapering. You don't have to be clean "all the way" to be starting your recovery process.
Do this whatever way will work for you. Tapering didn't work for me, but it does work for a lot of us, including SBH and G2C.
The most important thing is that you value yourself enough to know you deserve recovery, we want you here, and we want to know how you are doing.
Keep posting.
You are not pathetic. And you are not alone. You sound like you have done a good job getting rid off the other drugs.
You can do this the rest of the way. Lots of us on here have posted while we are tapering. You don't have to be clean "all the way" to be starting your recovery process.
Do this whatever way will work for you. Tapering didn't work for me, but it does work for a lot of us, including SBH and G2C.
The most important thing is that you value yourself enough to know you deserve recovery, we want you here, and we want to know how you are doing.
Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hey Rinky,
Just look at how many people read these posts, including yours. You are helping other people, whether you know it or not.
We are glad you are here, and we are thinking about you. We'll be waiting to hear how you are doing.
Just look at how many people read these posts, including yours. You are helping other people, whether you know it or not.
We are glad you are here, and we are thinking about you. We'll be waiting to hear how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 124
Dear Rinky:
You touched on a very good point, The Mental Battle...
I'm smack dab in the middle of it. I've had to really change the way I' process and take things in mentally. Sometimes I feel like a wandering, blissful, fool, other times I'm filled with angst battling my brain, the fok'ing voice tempting me.
I wonder what's different this time? Why is this harder than the other times? The answer is simple, the last time I was sober for any length of time, I kicked Norcos and Vicodin 10's to the curb, sure it was tough, BUT nothing like this.
The difference is The OX. Rinky, please listen now, quit now, stop dragging it out.If you only knew the world of death you're heading towards. You are on the same path as all of us here.
The difference is The OX changed my internal structure. My Central Nervous System wants the poison. I have to process information differently. I've been emotionally dead and physically dull for two years versus 15 days? It's hard. I try telling myself quitting the OX is like quitting smoking. If I can quit smoking, I can quit this SH@T. It's NOTHING like quitting smoking.
Taper: Thank you for your post. I do appreciate it. Remember PAWS? Well..I'd say I've gotten a taste of that today...I wasn't sure what I thought of PAWS, is it real? Yes it's real. This is a long process, longer and harder than I ever imagined. But I don't regret a thing.
SBH, I thought of you today. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the display of my cell phone. It's tough turning the tables on yourself. I've looked inside for so long, fighting battles, FOK'ing the OX. It was strange to see my outer-self...it was good.
Much Love...
G2C
You touched on a very good point, The Mental Battle...
I'm smack dab in the middle of it. I've had to really change the way I' process and take things in mentally. Sometimes I feel like a wandering, blissful, fool, other times I'm filled with angst battling my brain, the fok'ing voice tempting me.
I wonder what's different this time? Why is this harder than the other times? The answer is simple, the last time I was sober for any length of time, I kicked Norcos and Vicodin 10's to the curb, sure it was tough, BUT nothing like this.
The difference is The OX. Rinky, please listen now, quit now, stop dragging it out.If you only knew the world of death you're heading towards. You are on the same path as all of us here.
The difference is The OX changed my internal structure. My Central Nervous System wants the poison. I have to process information differently. I've been emotionally dead and physically dull for two years versus 15 days? It's hard. I try telling myself quitting the OX is like quitting smoking. If I can quit smoking, I can quit this SH@T. It's NOTHING like quitting smoking.
Taper: Thank you for your post. I do appreciate it. Remember PAWS? Well..I'd say I've gotten a taste of that today...I wasn't sure what I thought of PAWS, is it real? Yes it's real. This is a long process, longer and harder than I ever imagined. But I don't regret a thing.
SBH, I thought of you today. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the display of my cell phone. It's tough turning the tables on yourself. I've looked inside for so long, fighting battles, FOK'ing the OX. It was strange to see my outer-self...it was good.
Much Love...
G2C
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Don't ever you catch me bein' a know-it-all
Dear Rinky, G2C, SBH, AlmaLibre, and all who may read this:
There is nothing worse than a know-it-all. We've all met the "Recovered Alcoholic", or even sage NA member (few, tho), who purport to know how to "do" this thing we call recovery. I think the closest that come to it that might really have a lot of the answers, maybe all of them, are the AA and NA folks, who aren't trying to re-invent the wheel.
My point is this. I don't know how to do this recovery thing, but I'm damn sure trying to make it a fit for my life, because I have now been burned by the "fires of hell" -- those opiate things -- especially oxys -- and I have a new appreciation for why some people struggle harder to get off it than others, and some never can. I understand it now. I really do.
Guys like SBH, G2C, and me I guess, are heartened by the likes of Rinky and others who come on to this forum, being honest about what is happening to them, talking all kinds of self recrimination stuff, and know that they are welcome here, that we aren't going to tell them to go away because they are not "in recovery" yet. Thank you, Rinky, for coming here and being honest with yourself and everyone else.
One of the ways I think I will make it in recovery is by standing on the shoulders of those of you have struggled and made it, or are still struggling maybe, but knowing that I am not alone out here. You may not know me by name, but I am here nonetheless. I may not know you either, but I see you out there, all over my town, on the buses, on the streets, in the stores. We don't need to know each other's names.
For my contribution, I want to tell my story about what works, doesn't work, what threatens my recovery. And I like to hear back, because I am empowered by all of you. You, too, Rinky.
I don't ever want to sound like I know too much about this drug. I do have some medical/science background, but the real stuff is here. If I can contribute some info, great. But I don't have all the answers, and I have been shocked by how much I did NOT know about this drug, and I have researched the hell out of it. I never intended to be its human subject.
But, because I AM one of the human subjects, I can speak to its hooks, its barbs, it damned addict brain lies it throws curve balls at me with whenever I feel like I would rather have a chemical "out" when I feel especially bad.
G2C, I was so happy to see you posting tonight. Glad to see ya here.
There is nothing worse than a know-it-all. We've all met the "Recovered Alcoholic", or even sage NA member (few, tho), who purport to know how to "do" this thing we call recovery. I think the closest that come to it that might really have a lot of the answers, maybe all of them, are the AA and NA folks, who aren't trying to re-invent the wheel.
My point is this. I don't know how to do this recovery thing, but I'm damn sure trying to make it a fit for my life, because I have now been burned by the "fires of hell" -- those opiate things -- especially oxys -- and I have a new appreciation for why some people struggle harder to get off it than others, and some never can. I understand it now. I really do.
Guys like SBH, G2C, and me I guess, are heartened by the likes of Rinky and others who come on to this forum, being honest about what is happening to them, talking all kinds of self recrimination stuff, and know that they are welcome here, that we aren't going to tell them to go away because they are not "in recovery" yet. Thank you, Rinky, for coming here and being honest with yourself and everyone else.
One of the ways I think I will make it in recovery is by standing on the shoulders of those of you have struggled and made it, or are still struggling maybe, but knowing that I am not alone out here. You may not know me by name, but I am here nonetheless. I may not know you either, but I see you out there, all over my town, on the buses, on the streets, in the stores. We don't need to know each other's names.
For my contribution, I want to tell my story about what works, doesn't work, what threatens my recovery. And I like to hear back, because I am empowered by all of you. You, too, Rinky.
I don't ever want to sound like I know too much about this drug. I do have some medical/science background, but the real stuff is here. If I can contribute some info, great. But I don't have all the answers, and I have been shocked by how much I did NOT know about this drug, and I have researched the hell out of it. I never intended to be its human subject.
But, because I AM one of the human subjects, I can speak to its hooks, its barbs, it damned addict brain lies it throws curve balls at me with whenever I feel like I would rather have a chemical "out" when I feel especially bad.
G2C, I was so happy to see you posting tonight. Glad to see ya here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: NYC
Posts: 139
Day 15 Off Taper...
Hi All... my girl Taper and G2C... good to see you posting...
YEP ... AS SO MANY HAVE SAID BEFORE... THIS AINT EASY...
When I find myself in "the down"... low energy and bummed out... I just push through because eventually... my brain finds some endorphines or something... and bam... I feel good... well, at least not bad...
I skiied my butt off yesterday... it was freakin awesome... thought I would sleep like a rock but here I am... probably got five, maybe six hours of sleep...
RINKY... You might want to try a long taper... drop 5 mgs. every week... when you get down to 20 mg... step off and ride out a mild flu... like Taper said... cutting back is still part of recovery...
THERE IS NO SINGLE PATH TO SOBRIETY... We got here for different reasons... and W/D are very different for everyone...
WE ARE IN CONTROL - THIS IS A CHOICE
STAY STRONG - SMILE - TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM
Much love for you all - I really appreciate the support~!
Peace!
sBh
PS... Just wanted to mention how freakin cool it is to have some control of my life back... no chasing pills, doing pills, no pill hangovers... my freakin eyes are coming out of the back of my head... i have honest to goodness, for realsy glimpses of normalcy... its more than enough for me to keep going forward... opiates suck... like living in a bowl of jelly - good riddens! *** THE OX
YEP ... AS SO MANY HAVE SAID BEFORE... THIS AINT EASY...
When I find myself in "the down"... low energy and bummed out... I just push through because eventually... my brain finds some endorphines or something... and bam... I feel good... well, at least not bad...
I skiied my butt off yesterday... it was freakin awesome... thought I would sleep like a rock but here I am... probably got five, maybe six hours of sleep...
RINKY... You might want to try a long taper... drop 5 mgs. every week... when you get down to 20 mg... step off and ride out a mild flu... like Taper said... cutting back is still part of recovery...
THERE IS NO SINGLE PATH TO SOBRIETY... We got here for different reasons... and W/D are very different for everyone...
WE ARE IN CONTROL - THIS IS A CHOICE
STAY STRONG - SMILE - TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM
Much love for you all - I really appreciate the support~!
Peace!
sBh
PS... Just wanted to mention how freakin cool it is to have some control of my life back... no chasing pills, doing pills, no pill hangovers... my freakin eyes are coming out of the back of my head... i have honest to goodness, for realsy glimpses of normalcy... its more than enough for me to keep going forward... opiates suck... like living in a bowl of jelly - good riddens! *** THE OX
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 124
2 Weeks : 2 Days
Taper: I've never consider you a know it all..You know a lot about the medical side of these opiates, as do I..I remember one of the last times I went to the PM, once I'd gotten past the zombified, overly crowded waiting room, once I was in a room and talking with the Dr., I felt more like the professional than him. I rattled off what all the opiates were doing to me, how long they lasted in my system, what I wanted to take, to do, to get off...I caught his eye while I was talking and I could tell he knew I'd been on this journey for a long time. I remember leaving there thinking how much I knew about drugs. It was strange, I knew what it was doing to me, but I didn't know what it had really done to me, until I quit.
I too look at this as a long process as SBH says. I'm hoping that in another 15 days, I'll be in a better place. But I'm really not worried about the future, it's NOW, right now..it's where I am so it does no good looking to the future, other than to hope I will be in a MUCH BETTER place mentally and physically. I am certainly better than the previous 15 days, and more better than my taper days...My sleep pattern is all jacked up, I'm WIDE awake around 5:30am or 6:00am, no matter what time I go to sleep. It's something I just have to deal with. I don't fight it...I just get up, make some coffee, eat a banana, drink lots of water and start my day. Today it started with getting out of bed, drinking coffee (which I can finally drink again, don't drink it while you are WD'ing, you will regret it). The point is, once my coffee was made, I came right to this site, to read, to check in on Taper, SBH, Alma, Rinky..all of you, it helps me for sure..I think of you guys and gals all the time.
I too appreciate the spirit of SBH, he helped me gain the strength to throw away the pills (I was keeping for one of those "emergency" days) but as he said, they were doing no good in my house, other than tempting me. That spirit helped me at the PM Dr. to tell them NO, I'm done with the OX. That spirit carries me to this day, when I'm battling the addict voice and rewiring the paths of neurons, emotions, feelings, etc...that have been altered for some time.
Again, I'm rambling..I agree tapering is good, it's just a fine line, don't draw it out, when you get down to what you think is a comfortable level, step off. Find the strength here, in us, in our struggles and soon your struggle will join ours. I'm talking specifically to ALMA and RINKY and anyone else who may be reading this looking for help, insight to what this is like..
The connections are here, the support is here, the decision is in YOU. Good morning to everyone and hello to day 16...
G2C
I too look at this as a long process as SBH says. I'm hoping that in another 15 days, I'll be in a better place. But I'm really not worried about the future, it's NOW, right now..it's where I am so it does no good looking to the future, other than to hope I will be in a MUCH BETTER place mentally and physically. I am certainly better than the previous 15 days, and more better than my taper days...My sleep pattern is all jacked up, I'm WIDE awake around 5:30am or 6:00am, no matter what time I go to sleep. It's something I just have to deal with. I don't fight it...I just get up, make some coffee, eat a banana, drink lots of water and start my day. Today it started with getting out of bed, drinking coffee (which I can finally drink again, don't drink it while you are WD'ing, you will regret it). The point is, once my coffee was made, I came right to this site, to read, to check in on Taper, SBH, Alma, Rinky..all of you, it helps me for sure..I think of you guys and gals all the time.
I too appreciate the spirit of SBH, he helped me gain the strength to throw away the pills (I was keeping for one of those "emergency" days) but as he said, they were doing no good in my house, other than tempting me. That spirit helped me at the PM Dr. to tell them NO, I'm done with the OX. That spirit carries me to this day, when I'm battling the addict voice and rewiring the paths of neurons, emotions, feelings, etc...that have been altered for some time.
Again, I'm rambling..I agree tapering is good, it's just a fine line, don't draw it out, when you get down to what you think is a comfortable level, step off. Find the strength here, in us, in our struggles and soon your struggle will join ours. I'm talking specifically to ALMA and RINKY and anyone else who may be reading this looking for help, insight to what this is like..
The connections are here, the support is here, the decision is in YOU. Good morning to everyone and hello to day 16...
G2C
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 124
What helped me FOK THE OX
I just want to toss out what helped me in the "early" days..I say "early" because I'm only two weeks, two days down..I'm still in the early days.
This is for the Withdrawal phase only:
01. Patience (you need lot's of it)
02. Wet Wipes (you'll soon know why)
03. Water (lots of it), Coconut Juice, Kombucha (liquids)
04. Hot Baths (stay in as long as you can, use hot wet towels to cover you)
05. Anything to help you not Sh!t your brains out (some folks use immodium)
06. Anything to help you with Nausea (ask general Dr. or some use pepto)
07. Music or anything that helps take your pleasure senses to another world
08. Vitamins, Hot Tea, lotion for your skin...(your pores are screaming out)
09. Patience (you need lot's of it)
10. Towels, clean clothes, sheets (you'll be sweating)
Please add to this list if you like..or talk about what helped you if anything...
Just know: Time, Patience, Willpower, Determination, are what will carry you through AND knowing from whence you came...remembering when you were so damn sick, dead, down and out, a ghost to yourself, when you finally made the decision to quit. For me, just thinking about that day (I see it all too clearly) makes my stomach churn, my throat wells up, I could puke, my heart beats faster, stronger...The chills
Lastly, what helps with the lonely, down n' out, no energy, mental battle with the AV, aside from the physical bit, are things like the strength and spirit of SBH, Taper reaching out to me, when I needed it. Me and SBH stepping off at the same time. He was reading, thinking of joining, stepping off the same time as me.
We're all here for the same reason...either we're done with THE OX, or we're thinking about FOK'ing THE OX, you need or want help, a connection, reinforcement, support, love..Step off NOW.
Change the ratio of Purdue vs Mankind, we can win this.
Pain is an invitation for growth, it's true.
THANK YOU for the positive vibes, good thoughts. I'm still here, and I'm happy to say, FOK'ing THE OX...
Love: G2C
This is for the Withdrawal phase only:
01. Patience (you need lot's of it)
02. Wet Wipes (you'll soon know why)
03. Water (lots of it), Coconut Juice, Kombucha (liquids)
04. Hot Baths (stay in as long as you can, use hot wet towels to cover you)
05. Anything to help you not Sh!t your brains out (some folks use immodium)
06. Anything to help you with Nausea (ask general Dr. or some use pepto)
07. Music or anything that helps take your pleasure senses to another world
08. Vitamins, Hot Tea, lotion for your skin...(your pores are screaming out)
09. Patience (you need lot's of it)
10. Towels, clean clothes, sheets (you'll be sweating)
Please add to this list if you like..or talk about what helped you if anything...
Just know: Time, Patience, Willpower, Determination, are what will carry you through AND knowing from whence you came...remembering when you were so damn sick, dead, down and out, a ghost to yourself, when you finally made the decision to quit. For me, just thinking about that day (I see it all too clearly) makes my stomach churn, my throat wells up, I could puke, my heart beats faster, stronger...The chills
Lastly, what helps with the lonely, down n' out, no energy, mental battle with the AV, aside from the physical bit, are things like the strength and spirit of SBH, Taper reaching out to me, when I needed it. Me and SBH stepping off at the same time. He was reading, thinking of joining, stepping off the same time as me.
We're all here for the same reason...either we're done with THE OX, or we're thinking about FOK'ing THE OX, you need or want help, a connection, reinforcement, support, love..Step off NOW.
Change the ratio of Purdue vs Mankind, we can win this.
Pain is an invitation for growth, it's true.
THANK YOU for the positive vibes, good thoughts. I'm still here, and I'm happy to say, FOK'ing THE OX...
Love: G2C
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Day 16 yipeeee!
Hey! G2C -- Happy 16th day!
Day 16. Excellent.
Funny thing happened to me yesterday. I was doing a big, long medical case review (ya know I do those pieces of crap), and I was reading all about a 62 year old lady that had a car accident in 2009 that did a number on her neck, her back, her hips, and her sacroiliac joints. She was seeing 4 different doctors, including a neurologist, a physiatrist (dear old pain doc), her regular doc, an orthopedic doc, and a podiatrist (oh that's 5). She had a history of already having several neck surgeries, a leg surgery, and a bunch of other stuff. The docs kept on giving her more and more oxycodone, often following their note up with some kind of comment about how many years of "responsible pain medication use" she had, as a good reason to give her MORE OxyContin every time she "lost" her prescription. Oh yeah, she was also taking her HUSBAND's OxyContin, "because I lost mine and he can't take it because it makes him sick." (Oh yeah, then why are they prescribing it for him?)
None of that is funny, of course. The funny thing was, as I was reviewing this case, I found myself feeling JEALOUS of this woman's access to opiates. WTF? What kind of crazy crap is that? Like a voyeur, I was peering into this woman's life, getting pissed off at her for abusing the drugs she was getting, and wanting her to stop using them because I wanted me to have them and not her. Geez. What is wrong with me. Crazy addict brain thoughts.
Of course, this woman's doctors did not intend to over medicate her, and they seemed cognizant of the dangers of opiates (many, many times in the notes, one of the medical "plans" was to "try to wean her off the pain medications." In the case, happily, after a couple of years of this kind of double/triple/quadruple dipping medical care, somebody called her out on it and withdrew access. Later in the record, she was off opiates and was telling her doctors how much LESS pain she was having after she stopped using them. Maybe this lady will never end up on these forums, but hers is not the only story I've seen where the pain drugs no longer stopped pain after prolonged used. In other words, the therapeutic value of opiates in very high doses has no place in the management of CHRONIC pain -- it only makes things worse for many people. I'm sure there are opiate users who will call me out on that, there are likely individuals who can do that and get relief and still not get addicted.
Why am I writing this big long thing. Because I do that, I guess.
My point, though, is my addict brain STILL wants me to think using opiates is a good idea. I'm jealous of somebody getting what my addict brain wants me to have? I deserve it more than they do --- WTF? HELL no, I don't. STF UP addict brain. I can't believe this crap. Just admitting right here that i am getting those feelings is really embarrassing.
Maybe where I am going with this is to perhaps warn other people of this trigger. Maybe you find yourself envying users, as you feel like crap while trying to get through withdrawal. When you see someone else making their connection, seeing other people using and having fun, knowing you COULD buy some oxy if you want, knowing the pain doctor would give you what you want. All you have to do is want it enough, to ask, to go get it.
I don't want anyone else to have this "oxy fun"! Or do I? Maybe I want to warn people that this "fun" will turn into a nightmare "funhouse" in many cases, a ride they cannot get off.
I don't know, but it feels better having come clean with these feelings. Because I wonder if they are not common, and maybe a place people step back on the ride.
Day 16. Excellent.
Funny thing happened to me yesterday. I was doing a big, long medical case review (ya know I do those pieces of crap), and I was reading all about a 62 year old lady that had a car accident in 2009 that did a number on her neck, her back, her hips, and her sacroiliac joints. She was seeing 4 different doctors, including a neurologist, a physiatrist (dear old pain doc), her regular doc, an orthopedic doc, and a podiatrist (oh that's 5). She had a history of already having several neck surgeries, a leg surgery, and a bunch of other stuff. The docs kept on giving her more and more oxycodone, often following their note up with some kind of comment about how many years of "responsible pain medication use" she had, as a good reason to give her MORE OxyContin every time she "lost" her prescription. Oh yeah, she was also taking her HUSBAND's OxyContin, "because I lost mine and he can't take it because it makes him sick." (Oh yeah, then why are they prescribing it for him?)
None of that is funny, of course. The funny thing was, as I was reviewing this case, I found myself feeling JEALOUS of this woman's access to opiates. WTF? What kind of crazy crap is that? Like a voyeur, I was peering into this woman's life, getting pissed off at her for abusing the drugs she was getting, and wanting her to stop using them because I wanted me to have them and not her. Geez. What is wrong with me. Crazy addict brain thoughts.
Of course, this woman's doctors did not intend to over medicate her, and they seemed cognizant of the dangers of opiates (many, many times in the notes, one of the medical "plans" was to "try to wean her off the pain medications." In the case, happily, after a couple of years of this kind of double/triple/quadruple dipping medical care, somebody called her out on it and withdrew access. Later in the record, she was off opiates and was telling her doctors how much LESS pain she was having after she stopped using them. Maybe this lady will never end up on these forums, but hers is not the only story I've seen where the pain drugs no longer stopped pain after prolonged used. In other words, the therapeutic value of opiates in very high doses has no place in the management of CHRONIC pain -- it only makes things worse for many people. I'm sure there are opiate users who will call me out on that, there are likely individuals who can do that and get relief and still not get addicted.
Why am I writing this big long thing. Because I do that, I guess.
My point, though, is my addict brain STILL wants me to think using opiates is a good idea. I'm jealous of somebody getting what my addict brain wants me to have? I deserve it more than they do --- WTF? HELL no, I don't. STF UP addict brain. I can't believe this crap. Just admitting right here that i am getting those feelings is really embarrassing.
Maybe where I am going with this is to perhaps warn other people of this trigger. Maybe you find yourself envying users, as you feel like crap while trying to get through withdrawal. When you see someone else making their connection, seeing other people using and having fun, knowing you COULD buy some oxy if you want, knowing the pain doctor would give you what you want. All you have to do is want it enough, to ask, to go get it.
I don't want anyone else to have this "oxy fun"! Or do I? Maybe I want to warn people that this "fun" will turn into a nightmare "funhouse" in many cases, a ride they cannot get off.
I don't know, but it feels better having come clean with these feelings. Because I wonder if they are not common, and maybe a place people step back on the ride.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Just a post script. The above post was in no way intended to criticize the legitimate use of pain medications for the intense pain it is prescribed for. Especially cancer type pain, or certain types of pancreatic cancer, liver pain, Crohn's disease, and the like. It is only to point out that much of the chronic pain we used to accept as every day life and hit an Excedrin for, now seems to warrant the BIG GUNS. I sympathize deeply with anyone dealing with acute, unrelenting pain.
FT
FT
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 242
GTC - Loved your list! Having been through this phase many times off and on for 20 years, I added a couple more "helpful hints" that worked for me in italics:
01. Patience (you need lot's of it)
02. Wet Wipes (you'll soon know why)
03. Water (lots of it), Coconut Juice, Kombucha (liquids)
04. Hot Baths (stay in as long as you can, use hot wet towels to cover you)
05. Anything to help you not Sh!t your brains out (some folks use immodium)
06. Anything to help you with Nausea (ask general Dr. or some use pepto)
07. Music or anything that helps take your pleasure senses to another world
08. Vitamins, Hot Tea, lotion for your skin...(your pores are screaming out)
09. Patience (you need lot's of it)
10. Towels, clean clothes, sheets (you'll be sweating)
11. Wear support leggings or tight knee socks to bed (anything tight for legs) 12. Just enough hot water as you can stand in tub for a good leg soak (I remember getting in the tub 4 times one night and kept my shirt on)
13. Regarding nasea, one 25 mg benedryl tab will help and help with sneezing which is always my lingering PAWS.
01. Patience (you need lot's of it)
02. Wet Wipes (you'll soon know why)
03. Water (lots of it), Coconut Juice, Kombucha (liquids)
04. Hot Baths (stay in as long as you can, use hot wet towels to cover you)
05. Anything to help you not Sh!t your brains out (some folks use immodium)
06. Anything to help you with Nausea (ask general Dr. or some use pepto)
07. Music or anything that helps take your pleasure senses to another world
08. Vitamins, Hot Tea, lotion for your skin...(your pores are screaming out)
09. Patience (you need lot's of it)
10. Towels, clean clothes, sheets (you'll be sweating)
11. Wear support leggings or tight knee socks to bed (anything tight for legs) 12. Just enough hot water as you can stand in tub for a good leg soak (I remember getting in the tub 4 times one night and kept my shirt on)
13. Regarding nasea, one 25 mg benedryl tab will help and help with sneezing which is always my lingering PAWS.
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
Where is everyone? Hope everyone had a good day.
Take a moment to be grateful. Stay close to your support group. Talk about whats on your mind. Stay on course.
Hope to hear from you guys soon.
TB
Take a moment to be grateful. Stay close to your support group. Talk about whats on your mind. Stay on course.
Hope to hear from you guys soon.
TB
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: nc
Posts: 765
Hey guys. OMG! worked 3rd shift two nights, forgot how hard it is to adjust to those hours, have to work tomorrow night. no progress with me yet. I say yet b/c i know im not going to let these things rule me much longer. so hard to fully commit trying to adjust to a different shift and full time vs 2 days a week. I'm so grateful to be employed and these pills are the only thing preventing me from feeling good about myself and my victory over alcohol and the depression of losing my marriage. well the pills and the 30 lb weight gain in the last 2 years. im feeling hopeful even though ive used this am im gonna see if i can go the rest of the day without any and see how i feel in the am since i finally got some sleep last night. i realize i am a whimp right now but i know me and i know i am building up in my mind the will power to trash these damn things. they are the only thing standing in my way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Rinky,
If you can get rid off that first pill in the day and figure out a way to get moving without them, that will be the HUGEST hurdle you can jump over and the rest will probably be easier. I knew that was going to be the hardest dose I would miss in my recovery. I don't know how the others coped with that one in their taper, so they should comment. You've done a lot of things that show you are not a wimp, so you GOTTA STOP CALLING YOURSELF THAT! I think the guys here have given you the best advice, so please listen to their advice. They have tapered successfully and you can, too.
If you can get rid off that first pill in the day and figure out a way to get moving without them, that will be the HUGEST hurdle you can jump over and the rest will probably be easier. I knew that was going to be the hardest dose I would miss in my recovery. I don't know how the others coped with that one in their taper, so they should comment. You've done a lot of things that show you are not a wimp, so you GOTTA STOP CALLING YOURSELF THAT! I think the guys here have given you the best advice, so please listen to their advice. They have tapered successfully and you can, too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Originally Posted by Timebuster
Where is everyone? Hope everyone had a good day.
Take a moment to be grateful. Stay close to your support group. Talk about whats on your mind. Stay on course.
Hope to hear from you guys soon.
TB
Take a moment to be grateful. Stay close to your support group. Talk about whats on your mind. Stay on course.
Hope to hear from you guys soon.
TB
I, too, miss G2C and SBH! I think we all notice that as people get better, they no longer need to visit here as much. So hopefully it is a good sign they are just busy.
I check on here every day to see how everybody is. I am doing well. Clean since December 15, 2010. Intending to stay so.
I will say that I totally miss having SOMETHING to "fix" me quickly when I feel like crap. When I quit alcohol many years ago (my first "recovery"), I discovered that some of the "hangovers" I blamed on alcohol were simply that I, as a human being, just don't feel "good" ALL the time. I have days I feel great, I have days I feel like crap. As with alcohol, off oxy's I just have to recognize that I can't take a drink or pop some oxy's just because it is one of my "feel like crap" days. Everybody has them. To my big surprise, not EVERYBODY has to "take something" to feel better. You just get through your day.
I grew up watching black and white movies in the 50's where the actors ALWAYS responded to a stressful situation by stating, "I need a drink." It was SO accepted to down a shot of liquor as a stress reliever. The movies have always seemed to reflect society, maybe never intending to promote a kind of behavior that can lead to addiction in some. I'm sure the AA folks have plenty to say about that.
But enough rambling. I am here, and I will continue to be here, and I will try to support those who come here to battle their addiction demons. If I have something to share, I'll share it, answer questions if I have something to offer, try to back off it is something over my head. I want so badly to shake the real young folks who come to these forums and warn them not to wreck their lives like I did to at least parts of my own. But all of us, including me, have to be ready to listen for us to hear a thing.
Thanks for asking, Timebuster!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 124
Ain't Goin' Nowhere..
Hello...
You missed me? Awww I feel special. It's nice to be missed.
Honestly the reasons I'm not here as much (is not because I don't want to be or that I'm cured, far from it). I'm not posting as much because I'm immersed in work during the day and I've been hitting the gym at night, still trying to shake these blues.
I didn't even have a chance to look in here on Monday, but I posted a few things on Sunday.
And today was such a **** poor day as Taper mentioned, when you have one of those days, you want to take something to deal with it. That would have been me today. I would have doubled up or tripled up on my dose, just so I wouldn't give a rat's ass about life throwing curve balls all around me.
I am physically doing much better. Mentally I'm doing better too. I'm still battling the addict voice, but not as bad...it's just days like today, when I could have taken something. But I didn't and I'm not.
Why?
Well for one: Last night was the first full night of sleep I've gotten. Yes I sweated a bit, yes I tossed and turned, but when I woke up this morning, I realized I was pretty much out for my entire sleep, which is a wonderful thing. First time in 18 days that's happened...
Just know I am here, and I don't plan to go anywhere...
I've got more to say to all the folks who posted in the mean time...
I really am blessed that you guys and gals miss us, but it's nice to see folks step in and contribute, because SBH and I have gotten down these 18 days..our battle is not over, by any means, but I know there are people reading, lurking, trying to make up their minds...and to those people it's time for you to become what SBH and I were to all of you...Step off, start posting, throw yourself into the arms of me and all these good people here.
Much Love: G2C
You missed me? Awww I feel special. It's nice to be missed.
Honestly the reasons I'm not here as much (is not because I don't want to be or that I'm cured, far from it). I'm not posting as much because I'm immersed in work during the day and I've been hitting the gym at night, still trying to shake these blues.
I didn't even have a chance to look in here on Monday, but I posted a few things on Sunday.
And today was such a **** poor day as Taper mentioned, when you have one of those days, you want to take something to deal with it. That would have been me today. I would have doubled up or tripled up on my dose, just so I wouldn't give a rat's ass about life throwing curve balls all around me.
I am physically doing much better. Mentally I'm doing better too. I'm still battling the addict voice, but not as bad...it's just days like today, when I could have taken something. But I didn't and I'm not.
Why?
Well for one: Last night was the first full night of sleep I've gotten. Yes I sweated a bit, yes I tossed and turned, but when I woke up this morning, I realized I was pretty much out for my entire sleep, which is a wonderful thing. First time in 18 days that's happened...
Just know I am here, and I don't plan to go anywhere...
I've got more to say to all the folks who posted in the mean time...
I really am blessed that you guys and gals miss us, but it's nice to see folks step in and contribute, because SBH and I have gotten down these 18 days..our battle is not over, by any means, but I know there are people reading, lurking, trying to make up their minds...and to those people it's time for you to become what SBH and I were to all of you...Step off, start posting, throw yourself into the arms of me and all these good people here.
Much Love: G2C
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 124
One last thing...
I don't mean to ruffle anyone's feathers or make anyone mad, or upset, but RINKY it's time you stop the pills..I know you are "Working Up" the courage to stop, but the fact is, when I read your last post, all I could see were reasons and excuses for why you're still letting the drugs screw you and rule your life.
It's time for you to OWN this, take control, drop the pills...To me, you're dragging it out, making excuses for when you have to work, why, what shift, your failed marriage, etc.. It's time to pony up and OWN all this.
PLUS from what I recall you're taking Hydro-Codeine, you aren't even riding the OX...I'm not saying that doesn't have an effect on you, but it's nothing like FOK'ing the OX.
Point is: We've all got jobs. I had to work during my taper days, and after that when I was done. You're going to have to do the same thing too, if you want this. Sure I could have sat back and made excuses all day to take more poison. Sure I worked up the courage to get off too, but that was me fighting through the haze of the OX, me rising up internally, to say enough is enough, OWNING it and stopping. I was sick, getting fat, dead, dull, dying, killing the emotional pain of FOK'd up failed relationships and a major dysfunctional family, always reaching out for this poison to coat me, make me feel better, I was afraid of the WD's, BUT regardless of all those excuses. I didn't let one thing stop me.. So do it.. It's time to step off and quit.
Point is, the drugs stop having that affect on you and you realize you're hooked on this stuff that you may not live to make it off of. So find the strength, OWN this and STEP off..
Much Love to everyone including you RINKY..
G2C
I don't mean to ruffle anyone's feathers or make anyone mad, or upset, but RINKY it's time you stop the pills..I know you are "Working Up" the courage to stop, but the fact is, when I read your last post, all I could see were reasons and excuses for why you're still letting the drugs screw you and rule your life.
It's time for you to OWN this, take control, drop the pills...To me, you're dragging it out, making excuses for when you have to work, why, what shift, your failed marriage, etc.. It's time to pony up and OWN all this.
PLUS from what I recall you're taking Hydro-Codeine, you aren't even riding the OX...I'm not saying that doesn't have an effect on you, but it's nothing like FOK'ing the OX.
Point is: We've all got jobs. I had to work during my taper days, and after that when I was done. You're going to have to do the same thing too, if you want this. Sure I could have sat back and made excuses all day to take more poison. Sure I worked up the courage to get off too, but that was me fighting through the haze of the OX, me rising up internally, to say enough is enough, OWNING it and stopping. I was sick, getting fat, dead, dull, dying, killing the emotional pain of FOK'd up failed relationships and a major dysfunctional family, always reaching out for this poison to coat me, make me feel better, I was afraid of the WD's, BUT regardless of all those excuses. I didn't let one thing stop me.. So do it.. It's time to step off and quit.
Point is, the drugs stop having that affect on you and you realize you're hooked on this stuff that you may not live to make it off of. So find the strength, OWN this and STEP off..
Much Love to everyone including you RINKY..
G2C
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