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View Poll Results: What should I do? (comment if you can)
Tell him to figure it out on his own because he can't come home. 11 55.00%
Press the issue of in-patient and pray he complies and we can find funding. 3 15.00%
Allow him to come home and try to help him with outpatient. 1 5.00%
Cancel his phone but allow him at home. 0 0%
Cancel his phone but don't allow him home. 1 5.00%
Give him an ultimatum that he has to go into treatment or that's the end of us. 5 25.00%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 20. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 11-23-2010, 12:32 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Question

boyfriend in recovery attempt


So, I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 years and he has always had issues with depression. He had used drugs in the past, but things got bad about 2 years in when he became addicted to heroin because of bad friends. We have been trying to get him sober, but it is hard to do without consistency. He didn't have insurance up until recently and has had no job for the past year. He finally was able to go into a 3 week detox but comes out tomorrow and wants to come back home. I don't know if I should let him though. He is the typical addict, who will do whatever and say whatever to get the fix (because he's not totally in control of himself with the addiction, of course). He was upset when I told him I didn't know if I wanted him home, but he has nowhere else to go except another in-patient place, which he is sort of reluctant to do and insurance won't cover the whole thing, so paying for it may still be an issue since his parents don't want to pay.
I absolutely love him and I am scared of what will happen if he has nowhere to go. He told me he would just stay with this girl he met in treatment if I wouldn't come pick him up ( I think he was just trying to get me to change my mind ).

But, all-in-all, he comes home tomorrow and I don't know what to do. I have a strong feeling he will try to go get some and I am worried. I have school and work so I can't be around all the time to see what's going on. He is supposed to do an outpatient treatment, but he has no car and so I doubt he will be able to handle the responsibility of getting himself to all the meetings and appointments on his own.

Help?
What do I do?
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Old 11-23-2010, 01:35 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi adviceisnice

If you have doubts, and it sounds like you do, I think you'd be justified in holding a firm line. For what it's worth I don't think active addiction is ever a reasonable excuse for behaviour you find unacceptable.

Have you seen our Family and Friends forum? I think you'll get a very valuable point of view down there too, from people who've been in similar situations.

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

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Old 11-23-2010, 01:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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You can't make him quit if go into treatment if he doesn't want to. Unless he's ready to quit on his own there really is nothing you can do.
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Old 11-23-2010, 02:31 AM   #4 (permalink)
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The poll has way too few choices and in fact the topic itself does not easily lend itself to a poll. You should stop all forms of enabling him, including supplying him with a phone and/or a place to live. Detox is easy, staying clean is hard. Now we need to see if he is serious.

Good luck!
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Old 11-23-2010, 04:15 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Yeah, my family tried to "get me sober", too. It didn't work. I didn't get it until I was good and ready. After treatment, there are many options (not shown in the poll) that are available. Halfway houses, shelters, etc. are out there, too.
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Old 11-23-2010, 07:51 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I think you should worry about you and let him worry about him." Im going to go live nwith a chick from the program" is a threat. I know its hard but dont let him do that to you. I am the addict in my relationship and I can be very manipulitive.We are not as weak and needy as we seem and when left to our own devises we will either sink or swim with or without you.Sorry but thats the facts Take care of you
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Old 11-23-2010, 09:18 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Yeah the poll needs an update. Before I was ready for treatment I really resented anybody trying to force it on me. It causes untold resentments and the addict isn't going for the right reasons. Although being clean is great, it's his choice to get clean, just as it's his choice to keep using, it's his life. You can however refuse to be involved with an active user as that's your choice. But ultimatums don't work. Recovery is a spiritual issue and it can't be forced onto someone.
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Old 11-23-2010, 09:19 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I agree with Dee, you would find the family and friends of substance abusers to be very helpful, many people are dealing with the same problems and situations. They will help you and give you a great deal of support.
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Old 11-23-2010, 02:50 PM   #9 (permalink)
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i was gonna stay quiet when i first read this but i can't.. Bear with me this is being typed on a mobile..↲i loved my boyfriend too.. I spent 3 yrs with him picking up the pieces.. I always thought that because i hated it he would love me more... Sadly i ended up following him all the way and that is why i am promising you that if he's serious about you..he'll stay in..↲it's also why i can also say that all the excuses and lies that i'd tolerated from him came out of My OWN mouth..at one time or another after that... ↲we are master manipulaters.. we'll say anything.. I had no idea how that drug would make ME a liar too,make me turn into someone i didn't recognise..soo sadly ↲he is already telling you he's not going to stop.. By the fact he's supposed to cherish you, but can threaten you with another girl..? Is just interested in getting out and not really talking bout recovery..? Even i think, the fact that he's 'pisd'at you for anything sounds like you're a ticket to ride.. And i think because you love this man, you'll only enable him babe, which i know is the last thing you want to hear.. You can be there for him when he's accounting for his own actions without being weakened yourself.. To love someone we have to love ourselves a bit first.-same as respect its a 2 way thing..↲
i hope you'll take this with the love that its sent with.. I'm no expert but you askd on the poll.. And the answer i have didn't fit .. I hope you both find the right solution but stay strong for you is what i'm trying to say..↲hope i haven't offended you or anyone else..↲i will add that i'm a heroin addict of 15 yr's on and off who is clean because i wanted to be.. I had to be the one to choose life.. Huge hugs ↲karma
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Old 11-23-2010, 02:56 PM   #10 (permalink)
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dang:-) i forgot the friends and family.. Heal yourself a lil there.. Lots of good people xxx
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Old 11-27-2010, 04:31 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Ultimatums don't work with addicts. And what is canceling his phone supposed to accomplish?

Cut your losses and tell him to call you again in a couple of years when he has his drug problem under control.
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Old 11-27-2010, 05:52 AM   #12 (permalink)
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You wanna here it straight up?

If you were my girlfriend, I'd be the happiest addict alive.
You love me and want me and are willing to put up with my bullsh*t, therefore
you are -ripe fore the picking-
I'll be happy to use you and manipulate you anyway I can.

You think you can save me? think again.
I'll clean you out financially and emotionally, and all you will be to me, is my enabler.

I'll con you with words of love, but the only thing I love is dope.

~~~~~~~~~~

Honey, this is the mind of an addict in active addiction.
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Old 11-27-2010, 09:14 PM   #13 (permalink)
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hey advice - how are things? what did you both decide to do? hopeful for you.. xx Karma
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Old 12-02-2011, 09:01 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Your boyfriend will never stop until he hit bottom... Perhaps the actual prospect of losing you will be that bottom?

DO NOT lose your life trying to save his if he does not want to be saved...
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