Onewithwings

I relapsed on day 52. No good. I don't really want to recover, I just want my drugs, but I don't want my husband to leave me and take my son with him. I want everything to be like it was when I started using. Chilling and chatting and watching a movie or listening to music, pulling the entire mattress into the living room and lay on the floor, sharing our delusional thoughts with each other. Just doing nothing. It was nice! But my husband quit using and I didn't. I stopped during my pregnancies but my first baby was stillborn so I went back to using right away. When my son was born, I thought that would be all I needed to stop using, but I picked up again when he was a few months old.

I need help! I have been earnestly working the steps, and I am on step three, but I guess step 2 is what I need. A belief in something that can heal me. I have tried to 'come to believe', I had always believed in a higher power, but how do I get in touch with my HP when I am so far gone, the spirit leaves you and you feel empty. You try to fill that emptiness with drugs, but only a loving higher power is the only thing that can fill it. I have asked God many times to remove my obsession, but I have been obsessing over drugs for the last few weeks. How do I stay clean? What is the trick? I have tried everything quite earnestly, doing the best I can! But that's not enough. How do I truly come to believe and live a clean and sober life?!

Dee74

I spent many years wanting things to be like they were before I crossed the line into addiction.

I beat myself up time and again and lost of a lot of the things I held dear by trying to control my drug of choice - but I see now it always - always - was controlling me.

I was the puppet. Doing exactly what that need in me wanted me to do.

Accept what you are One.

I hope you get past this, cos a life without that obsession, without that desire, without that enslavement, really is wonderful.

D

meditation

It's good you posted this and were honest.

I spent 90 days in rehab, most of the 90 I wanted to use something to escape my feelings and curb the cravings. Sometimes going away from home for 3 months helps. I know in my heart that I wanted to beat this problem, I also had a goal at the end that I wanted to get my life back before drugs.

In order for you to use a drug they had to be in the house or you had to make an effort to find them. If they were in the house then I think getting them out so you don't succumb to a craving could help. Erasing all contacts with people that can provide the drugs. If you got them with a script, tell your doctors you are trying to recover so you can't get more scripts.

The cravings do go away as long as you don't feed them. I think the first 90 days I really fought them but I was in a safe place. I think by the 4th or 5th month I had eradicated them to about maybe once in a blue moon. A craving is a thought, it's not acted on and it's just a feeling and a thought. The cravings subside. Just as you don't feed them they quit screaming in your head.

I hope you can find the help you need to fight this, because somewhere in there I think you do want to be free of the cycle of using. You have been given a wonderful gift in that child and you can start anew. I don't want you to have to suffer any more consequences... it's a new day. A new start, and you have gained some experience in fighting off cravings. My thoughts are with you.

justjo

Hi One
Its hard hey? I feel for you and just know that there are many other people here to help you. I dont know the real answers for you ( I wish I did ).
For me, the word 'Believing' is powerful stuff. This is the only word that has helped me get through my life. I simply had to 'believe' IN MYSELF. Nothing else and no-one else, just me. Once I 'truly' started to do that, step by step, I changed so much. I still have my bad days, dont get me wrong, have my cries and start each day trying to hold my head high. How do you believe in YOU or your HP? I did and still do lots of talking to myself. Im one of those people who thinks all day, so I talk to myself alot (yeah, Im crazy I know) but it seems to work for me. I tell myself Im an ok sort, and I tell myself I CAN do anything I want. One, dont let this (drug) boss you around, start telling it off and you can do it.
Give it a try honey.
JJ

windysan

The only steps that ever worked for me were my own.

Step 1 - Don't do dope
Step 2 - See Step 1

Timebuster

How It Works: 12 Steps

Step Two

"We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

N.A. Way of Life - Step Two

MySlipperySlope

Thank you for what you said about a craving being a thought, and if it's not acted on it will stay just a feeling and a thought. What you say about the cravings subsiding ... and as long as you don't feed them, they quit screaming in your head, is so very encouraging and helpful.
Thank you!

Angelic17

Onewithwings, I have no advice. If at first you don't succeed, try and try again. Did you ever think that maybe you should try filling the hole in your heart with something healthy? Maybe Prayer, Or exercise? Or whatever it is that works for you. Drugs my dear will kill you, and will cost you everything you have and love. Including your husband and son. Don't give up. Get back on the sober wagon. Prayers are going up for you. GOD BLESS YOU and give you the strength to get and stay clean.

Onewithwings

I give up. I have been trying for the last 6 months to get well, and trying my hardest. It's too much work anymore. It's not worth it. I would rather just be who I am.

suki44883

I hope that if you continue to use, you will remove yourself from the presence of your little baby. He really doesn't need to be around that.

MelissaNoDrugs

Thank you for your honesty. I don't believe you "give up." The fact that you would take the time to post here, and be brave enough to share your relapse shows anything but "giving up."

Thank you for sharing.

MelissaNoDrugs

I was gonna leave that simple post before but in the past half hour am thinking more and more of your story.

You are getting clean, Onewithwings. You stayed clean for 52 days and slipped. That doesn't make you a loser that makes you a winner. And using just confirms what you already knew- you are an addict. And you ARE in recovery, you hit a rough spot, but please I cannot stress enough to pick yourself up and continue. You lose your day count, true. But so what? Day 1 is always a good day. It's Day Zero that sucks.

I hear resignation, I don't believe that. If you truly gave up why would you post here?

I'm thinking of you today!

SlvrMag

I remember saying those exact words when I was in the beginning of my sobriety. It was f***ing hard! The hardest thing I ever had to do!

I hated the first couple months of being clean. Every time I blinked I wanted to use. I thought it would never get better, but it has!

I believe you said you didn't want to do meetings? (Maybe I misread so correct me if I'm wrong) I was so skeptical of meetings but OMG, what a miracle they were! I learned so much about myself and addiction that it helped me to understand what my body and mind were going through.

I struggled with the Higher Power thing because I am more of a scientific person (kinda like Bones, LOL) and I couldn't (and still don't) grasp that idea. It's ok though! It can still work for you, there is so much more to meetings than you think.

Please don't give up.

Tiredofdrugs

OWW:
Below you will see your own messages starting back on 6 May 2010. I wanted you to take a look at what you’ve posted in the category I’ve put them in here for you. I’ve been following your story. I’ve seen one relapse message after another. Then you would get a feel good period and then back in the slumps again. You’ve got something going on that is triggering you to continue to use. You need to figure out what that “reason” is.

You need to ask yourself? Are you prepared to lose your husband and son? Are you prepared to have no source of income, due to being strung out and unable to work?

You said you live in the country. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE and walk in the country. Look around at all the beauty there is to see. I’ve seen too many addicts give in to their DOC and not come back from it. Jail or death is where it will lead you.

I saw an interesting thing on the doctor’s show today! A Neuron Surgeon was talking about the brain. He said; “If you stop teaching a certain nerve in your brain about a certain thing, it turns into a prune and the feelings and thoughts die away”. The nerve is still there! It just isn’t active. You’ve got to stop feeding that nerve the drugs.

TOD


05-06-2010
I am new to recovery, just went through rehab, and am actively looking forward to a sober life, although I really fear relapse. I have been in NA for about a month and a half, so it's pretty new to me still. I am starting to get into the swing of things, and am feeling lucky to have an online community of support, since I spend so much of my time online.

05-07-2010
nice to meet you. I relapsed after about a month as well, but I got right back into it, and today makes 3 days. It's not a lot, but each day is an accomplishment!

06-05-2010
Well, I relapsed last night, but I made it to an AA meeting during the day today and an NA meeting this evening. I cried my eyeballs out, seriously. I want this so bad. I told my husband about some stuff I have been hiding, and I feel much better for it. I now share an NA birthday with my sponsor, she got 11 years today! What an amazing woman! I want to share a birthday with her forever.

06-08-2010
I will be thinking of your friend today, I hope he gets the help that he needs. I was in rehab and relapsed a lot after getting out. I am making an honest effort now, but everyone needs something different, and some people need more help than others. I have been on the psych ward twice, been through rehab, overdosed, gone catatonic, and been in NA, and still relapsed because I did not have the personal conviction to say "No matter what."

07-14-2010
I first tried to get clean in March, and came to NA. I relapsed, went to rehab for a month, and came back to NA, where I continued to relapse. I have relapsed 6 times in the 4 months I have been in NA. This last time was on Friday and it was HORRIBLE, I was so sick. I have been going to NA religiously, calling my sponsor, working my steps, talking to other addicts, praying, meditating, all kinds of stuff, but I can't seem to stay clean! I even kind of want to use again even though it was so horrible, and I feel like a hopeless druggie.

07-19-2010
Today, I relapsed. I have relapsed 7 times in the 4 months I have been going to NA. I work the system and do everything I can, yet I still keep going back out. I was also in rehab for a month. I feel like maybe I am hopeless.

08-06-2010
You guys, I have never needed to stay sober more than I do right now. My husband has given me an ultimatum. I can not use again, or he will leave me, and will more than likely get custody of our two year old son.

I am four days clean today and feeling really good about it. I have been praying and praying, and making sure I am doing all the footwork I need to in recovery. I have a sponsor and have been working the steps with her.

I just wonder how long this feeling will last. How long until that untamable desire to use hits and I stop caring again? I want to be done with that feeling.

08-17-2010
I am not in the situation where I have to right now. I don't really have any 'using buddies' as I was never a social user. But sooner or later I will have to join the real world, and I know that some day down the road I will be offered drugs, and I don't feel like I have the power to turn them down!

08-24-2010
I have BPD. I am on medications which help with the symptoms, but I still struggle with times when I just stop caring-- about my recovery or anything else. This has been my biggest setback in my recovery. I am learning to rely on my higher power and call on that power when I start to stop caring. I find something to do to gain some gratitude and serenity.

08-27-2010
I second the NA meeting. Go there, be honest. The only requirement for membership is a DESIRE to stop using. You will find so much love and help there, that is my experience. It is extremely hard for an addict to let go on their own. Go where the help is!

08-27-2010
So, here's the deal--

I am 25 days clean today. CPS got involved after my last relapse, and are having me put my 2 year old in daycare. I think he will do fine, he's a social kid.

This means I will have to get at least a part time job. I don't want anything too stressful, but I want something that will keep me busy. I have never had a job for more than a few months at a time before. I always get fired or quit, usually due to my using, drinking, or eating disorder (which I have been past for about 3 years now). Now that I am not doing these things, I think I will have a better chance to survive at a job, but I'm still scared. I don't know how to do anything skilled (I am taking online classes to get my ABA) so I will probably end up working a crap job. Not sure about the people I will meet and hopefully I won't have to deal with active addicts because that is too triggering for me right now. I also worry about my energy levels and whether I will be able to stay active all day like that!

09-03-2010
am always told to think it through before I pick up. Since my mind is clean today, I thought I would write myself a little reminder of what will happen if I use.

First off, I will take as much as I can. If I relapse I must be in pain and will try to kill it as hard as I can. One is too many, and a thousand is never enough! I will get sick and feel the pain. I will feel that itch like a chemical burn. I will throw up so hard I am screaming into the toilet. I may land myself in the hospital, or worse. My husband will leave me, and he will get custody of my son. I will be forced to move somewhere where I can get a job. If I continue to use, I won't be able to hold a job, and will end up on the streets. There, I will likely run into harder drugs, thugs, and people whose hearts are hardened. They will not give a damn about me. I will be raw, with no one to protect me. I will probably get arrested at some point, because I do dumb **** when I am high. I have no street smarts. I will die.

09-09-2010
Hi

My sobriety/clean date is 8/2/2010.

I am swinging back and forth between that pink cloud and obsessive cravings. Feeling pretty good for the time being. Got some work to do today, so I am going to focus on that. I am also learning about different faiths and trying to figure out where I fit in to that. I would love to have a church or other spiritual community to belong to. I am going to pray about it and meditate on it a bit. Just for today, I don't have to drink/use to feel God's presence. I know that if I stay in a spiritual place, God will speak to me, through my surroundings and feelings.

09-13-2010
I am on day 42 and have been having my ups an downs. Recovery is an emotional roller coaster for sure, but I know that if I keep staying clean one day at a time, I will make it through. Some days I have no willpower and the only thing keeping me clean is God. Other days I have the utmost serenity, and feel like I will never crave again, then, wouldn't you know it, the obsession comes back. I have learned not to expect much either way and just deal with these emotions as they arise. I go to meetings (48 in the last 42 days) and talk with my sponsor. I work my steps and pray. I try to do the next right thing. You either pick up the tools, pick up the phone, or pick up the drugs, and I am learning to do 1 and 2. When I came into the program back in March I went through a month of rehab and still relapsed about a dozen times before my latest use. Today I am clean though, and I try not to carry that baggage with me, because all that matters is what I am going to do TODAY to stay clean!

09-14-2010
I am another one whose bad experiences did not keep her from using. They may have killed the cravings for a while, but I always went back. I have had two overdoses and once got so sick that I was screaming into the toilet as I threw up and I itched so bad it was like a chemical burn. I still used.

For me, there is no 'answer'. The only answer is to not pick up NO MATTER WHAT. I still have cravings, bad ones, too. Sometimes they are so overwhelming. Yesterday I dusted and shampooed my carpet because it was all I could do to keep from using. But I am still clean, and today is a better day! You have to pull through those cravings without using, that is the only way to stay clean!

09-18-2010
Having obsessive thoughts again today. Not as bad as they can get, but still wanting to use. I am just really sick of ever having to feel this way, I want the desire to be gone!

09-22-2010
I relapsed on day 52. No good. I don't really want to recover, I just want my drugs, but I don't want my husband to leave me and take my son with him. I want everything to be like it was when I started using. Chilling and chatting and watching a movie or listening to music, pulling the entire mattress into the living room and lay on the floor, sharing our delusional thoughts with each other. Just doing nothing. It was nice! But my husband quit using and I didn't. I stopped during my pregnancies but my first baby was stillborn so I went back to using right away. When my son was born, I thought that would be all I needed to stop using, but I picked up again when he was a few months old.

I need help! I have been earnestly working the steps, and I am on step three, but I guess step 2 is what I need. A belief in something that can heal me. I have tried to 'come to believe', I had always believed in a higher power, but how do I get in touch with my HP when I am so far gone, the spirit leaves you and you feel empty. You try to fill that emptiness with drugs, but only a loving higher power is the only thing that can fill it. I have asked God many times to remove my obsession, but I have been obsessing over drugs for the last few weeks. How do I stay clean? What is the trick? I have tried everything quite earnestly, doing the best I can! But that's not enough. How do I truly come to believe and live a clean and sober life?!

Angelic17

Onewithwings, Keep this in your mind. The first year of getting clean is a very difficult struggle. But, if you just stay clean, that struggle and that lousy feeling, eventually it does go away. You need to be patient. It takes more than a couple of months to feel better after years of drug abuse. If you keep that in mind, you will get better. It takes around a year and a half for your brain to go back to normal after using drugs. So you give up a year and a half, and you go through what you need to go through, to get better. If your clean, you will be a much better mom, and wife.
The choice is yours. Stop searching for instant gratification. It's not easy to get clean. If it were, there would be no addicts. It's the hardest thing, you will ever have to do. But, it's the most rewarding, when you get past that first year or so. The good news is that your brain does go back to normal, and it's not permanantly damaged.

All you have to do is NOT PUT A DRUG IN YOUR BODY. Give your brain, the time it needs to heal, and you will heal. I guarantee you, that if you keep using, your life is going to be so much more difficult. It's a full time job being a drug addict. It has no benefits, no pay, and no rewards. Because in a short amount of time, the drug wont work, and you will keep increasing the amount to get that first feeling back. It never comes back. And you could very easily die. Do you want to leave your child without a mother? You need to put your health and family before your drugs. GOD BLESS YOU, you keep trying, and that's a really good thing. You seem to want it, but you don't have the patience to stick it out. Trust me, it will get better. I have 5 1/2 years clean. I feel great. The first year and a half wasn't so good, but it was better than chasing my drugs. I hope you have a change of heart. For yourself and your son. He needs a sober mom. Do you want him to grow up to be an addict? Children learn what they live. Realize that it takes time, and then do your best to stick it out. Take hot baths, and be good to yourself. Try to stay calm, and avoid stressful things. Stay away from other users, and keep in mind that after that first year or so, you will get well, and feel good. I wish you the best. I hope you hear what I am saying to you. Fill the empty hole inside of you with something healthy. Try exercise, prayer, meetings. Keep busy.
I'm routing for you. Every day is another chance to do what's right.

Dee74

Your addiction wants you to give up One, but the fact you've posted here makes me think you don't want to....

Change is hard...but living our old life is harder. It the lie that makes it seem like the easy option.

This is not who you are. You wouldn't have fought so long if it was

You know, like I knew, that you, and your child deserve better.

D

SlvrMag

I apologize, I guess I was wrong because I see you were going to meetings.

divineangel1012

Get back up and start again.

coming_clean

excellent...

coming_clean

things won't get easier....but they do get better...