Cheater12

I grew up with my dad being an addict. His DOC is Methadone, mixed with pretty much any other prescription he can get his hands on. I've lived my teen years angry at him for making me be the adult/parent in the family. I've spent so many years babysitting so he wouldn't fall down the steps and crack his head open (happened once) or overdose (has happened) or "fall asleep" with a cigg in his hand and burn down the house.

Parts of me are still angry at him, and It's been a very difficult road having to teach myself to let go; I'm a caretaker by nature and the desire to help my dad find recovery will always be here, and I've felt like a monster practicing what everyone tells me, which is that i can't live my life for my father. He has to want to help himself.

My mother and father's marriage has been that of business partners and not "lovers". Even as a kid, watching my parents peck was awkward --absolutely no intimacy. Eventually when my mom hit menopause she grew to her senses and left my dad, she gave up in listening to his empty promises and lies years before. she finally figured enough was enough.

Long story short, I'm finding myself in a sticky situation. I'm now finding myself in a relationship with a man who is married to an addict. I see so much of my mom in him, so much of my dad in her. The same words, same behaviors, same broken promises. He cares about her and wants to see her get better, but I worry for them both that they'll end up like my parents. Her alone with nothing but her addiction and reaching her 65th birthday, and him almost 50 before he decides to throw in the towel and stop living his life for someone else.

I feel so....lost. the sensible advice would be to leave this as it is, but it's easier said than done when a natural born caregiver finds themself madly in love with another caregiver. I love him deeply...but i find myself being the support and therapist for someone who is following teh same steps as my mother, and i'm scared taht if i continue down this path...I'll end up resentful.

i know he loves me too, and cares about me as much as i do about him, and because of our...rather specific situation we have the best communication on the planet...i've told him all of these thoughts and feelings, and still...we're at where we're at.

i just needed to open up, I feel like a monster yet again for being "the other woman" in a relationship that needs trust. am I really that awful of a person? (sorry about the book, I've been bottling this up for a long time....2 years in fact)

smacked

I doubt you're a bad person. You're just making some bad decisions. I would get out of this relationship until you're NOT the other woman, regardless of your lover's issues with his wife. If his relationship is not workable for him, he should respect both of you enough to end it. His wife's addiction problems are not his own, and he only needs to decide if he wants to continue living with it, or not. I'm sure he's found some kindred support in your attention, however it's very misplaced.

That's all I have to say about that. I'd back off.. way off.. until he decides not to be married to his wife anymore. Sounds kinda black and white, right? He's choosing to stay in the situation he's in. As are you.

smacked

Sorry, one more thing.. there is a "Friends and Family of Substance Abusers" forum too, (this is the Subtance Abuse forum, so mostly it's us addicts in here). You might find some good support or advice or whatever there, too. You might wanna post your post there.