Notices

Heroin robbed me.

Old 01-14-2011, 06:48 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
AlmaLibre's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Brazil
Posts: 36
Unhappy Heroin robbed me.

After 17 years of being on and off of heroin (mostly on), I am now starting to wake up, realize and feel the damage heroin caused. Well, let's be honest, I caused. I can't blame heroin, since I'm the one who decided to use it.
Anyway, I've been on Methadone for the past 5 years and have tapered down to 3 mgs. after being on 100 mgs. But, now everything I had suppressed for so long while getting high and even on Methadone is starting to get to me.
I lost my little brother 9 years ago. I thought I had dealt with it, but I feel like it's brand new. And it hurts so bad. I'm also thinking of the life I could've had if I hadn't wasted my best years getting high and not giving a crap. I'm 38 and although I was in 2 serious relationships, both for 7 years, nothing came of it. We were always chasing the high, so I never got married and never had kids. I'm worried because I'm starting to feel like it's too late for me.
I don't mean to rant about my life. I do see the good things though, at least I'm not out there messing up anymore. It's just that now that it's time for me to pick up the pieces, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Anyway, this is my very first thread. I've read a lot of your posts on here and am just blown away by the love and compassion you all have here for one another.

Well, I hope to get to know you all. You are an awesome bunch.
AlmaLibre is offline  
Old 01-14-2011, 08:17 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Monkey
 
Kelsey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 220
Welcome to SR!

Its never to late to start living life, and living it to the fullest. I know hope is so easily lost in an addicts mind but just becaue something is lost does not mean its not there. Just makes it all the more worth while to attain again. Stick around. You'll find loads of support. And again, welcome.

Kels
Kelsey is offline  
Old 01-14-2011, 09:01 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Maybe you need to change your thinking.

It was probably a good thing you didn't get married or have kids. If you had and you were getting high, it could have been an awful mess.

Now you have he chance to meet someone and have kids when your clean and sober. How exciting is that?

No way are you too old. I'm not sure if you are male or female. But I had a friend. She kicked heroin and had her first baby at 41 years old. Little baby girl, so gorgeous!.

Don't let negative thoughts come into your head. That's dangerous. For every negative try and a find a positive to it.

Take care
xx
Sasha4 is offline  
Old 01-14-2011, 09:46 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,040
Welcome AlmaLibre

I absolutely agree it's never too late - I'd sunk to being an all day everyday alcoholic and I changed my life at 40.

You'll find a lot of support here
D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 02:49 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
kiki5711's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
kiki5711 is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 04:48 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
SquareHead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 96
Like everyone already said, It's never too late. I'm just getting clean at 42. I wished I had done it sooner too, but I can't worry about it. I'm clean now & that's all that matters. There is a lot of support here for you.
SquareHead is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 04:58 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by AlmaLibre View Post
After 17 years of being on and off of heroin (mostly on), I am now starting to wake up, realize and feel the damage heroin caused. Well, let's be honest, I caused. I can't blame heroin, since I'm the one who decided to use it.
Anyway, I've been on Methadone for the past 5 years and have tapered down to 3 mgs. after being on 100 mgs. But, now everything I had suppressed for so long while getting high and even on Methadone is starting to get to me.Have you discussed this with a doctor? Perhaps you are clinically depressed and may benefit from medication and therapy, if you are willing.

I lost my little brother 9 years ago. I thought I had dealt with it, but I feel like it's brand new. And it hurts so bad. I'm also thinking of the life I could've had if I hadn't wasted my best years getting high and not giving a crap. I'm not an addict (I'm from the Friends & Family side) and I sit around and have these thoughts, too! How my life could have been different "IF ONLY".... Everyone has regrets!! At 52 years of age, I have a ton of 'em!! I'm still racking them up! LOL! So what? I'm human! Staying stuck in regret about the past serves no purpose whatsoever. The only important moment is NOW. Take an old childhood picture of yourself and carry it around -- when you want to beat yourself up, pull that picture out and apologize to that kid for being so mean. Tell that kid that it's gonna be OK now...you've learned a lot. Move forward.

I'm 38 and although I was in 2 serious relationships, both for 7 years, nothing came of it. We were always chasing the high, so I never got married and never had kids. I'm worried because I'm starting to feel like it's too late for me.Being married and having kids is SOOOO over-rated! LOL Trust me on that one. The most important thing is YOU. Find your passion, nurture it, and LIVE it. When you're ready the Universe will provide a loving partner! And if not, you will have many, many friends because your light will shine from within and people will be attracted to you.
I don't mean to rant about my life. I do see the good things though, at least I'm not out there messing up anymore. It's just that now that it's time for me to pick up the pieces, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.You know the drill: just live for today! Make a short list of what you want to accomplish today and today only. Meditate? Paint? Walk? Read? Build a fire?Journal? Write a letter to your grandma? Forgive that little child and do something fun together today. Life is good. You are not messing up anymore. ((((Hugs)))) ...and Congratulations on 5 years!

Anyway, this is my very first thread. I've read a lot of your posts on here and am just blown away by the love and compassion you all have here for one another.

Well, I hope to get to know you all. You are an awesome bunch.
We are so glad you decided to post and join our SR family! Welcome!
tjp613 is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 05:34 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
AlmaLibre's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Brazil
Posts: 36
Wow!!! I woke up to all of your beautiful messages. And I'm sitting here crying like a little girl to see the love and support you all are giving me. I know right now we are pretty much strangers, but I feel like you are all giving me one huge hug. And it feels great.
I cannot thank you guys enough. I am taking your words to heart and am now determined to look at the positive things in my life. And there is actually a lot I need to be thankful for.
Again thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are all so AMAZING!!!
AlmaLibre is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 01:48 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
karma35's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: england
Posts: 356
Welcome to SR ...hi... i'm an x (yey) heroin addict..of 15 yr on and off too.. Whose also 38 and childless and single... I too have had all the thoughts you have and i also agree with all the above.. I'm just wanting to add that its not too late ..we have a new opportunity each minute ..literally ... I only have 76 days but so much has happened.... I believe that actually my life is richer..lol...for the very fact that it led me here 2 and a half yr ago and now i can say i have support..which i didn't in the real world.. Mg and as for dealing with stuff i only wish i'd had here when those events took place... but do you know whats best.... I do now and...so do you cos.. You're here 2! Keep us posted xxx karma
karma35 is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 05:03 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 594
grab life now!

I waited till it was too late (I'm 50 this year) and have no kids.
I stayed numbed on and off since 1980 (more on than off)
Kept myself high or knocked out (when I wasn't working) and slept my life away.

I'm not giving up on life though, I too stubborn.
dreamscape is offline  
Old 01-16-2011, 05:08 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
AlmaLibre's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Brazil
Posts: 36
Thank you Karma for your kind words. And congrats on your 76 days (77 today) days clean. Fantastic job.
That's amazing that we have so many things in common. I am so thankful I came across this site. I was feeling so alone in this world.
Take care and I hope to chat more with you in the future.

And, Dreamscape, that's also what I did, stayed high, knocked out and slept the years away. And now that I'm waking up, it's a whole new world. It's hard not to feel lost sometimes.
I love your attitude towards life. And, I'm not going to give up either.
Thank you so much for your support.

Last edited by AlmaLibre; 01-16-2011 at 05:20 AM. Reason: Add something.
AlmaLibre is offline  
Old 01-16-2011, 05:40 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
So what fun thing are you going to do today, Alma??
tjp613 is offline  
Old 01-16-2011, 09:44 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
AlmaLibre's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Brazil
Posts: 36
Not much. I'm feeling pretty blah today. No energy whatsoever. I've been trying different anti-depressants with my counselor. And none of them really work. I guess with the tapering off of Methadone it interferes with the medicine. I don't know. It's frustrating because I am so ready to move on and feel normal and happy.
Plus, I'm in the process of moving to Brazil (waiting on my parents house to sell). Then we will all move (my dog and ferret as well).
Have you gone through this type of depression? If so, what helped? I'll try anything at this point.
AlmaLibre is offline  
Old 01-16-2011, 10:12 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 594
The brain is restructuring itself after so many years of disorganization from dope.
Depression and anxiety happen during this time but are only temp............. It will go away in time.
I've seen it time and time again and depression/anxiety always leave eventually (imo) it has no choice.
dreamscape is offline  
Old 01-16-2011, 11:32 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
karma35's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: england
Posts: 356
hey - thats really good you've got the move to look forward to.. i was depressed throughout my use - and since getting clean i wanted to get off all pills and potions - i am currently not taking anything at all - my body is returning to normal slowing feeling things again - i felt numbed out on everthing and its a pleasure now to feel emotions and register my own response instead of chucking a load of tablets down me - but thats just coming - nice to meet ya
....xxx karma
good luck - kee
karma35 is offline  
Old 01-16-2011, 07:25 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
AlmaLibre's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Brazil
Posts: 36
You know, it's crazy how I'm starting to feel great joy in simple things I overlooked or was too numb to notice before.
Today started out pretty bad for me. But, later in the afternoon my neighbor (we've known each other ever since we were little kids) stopped by and we talked for a bit. Then before he left he said how different I look. That I look like a whole new person since I got clean. That made me feel better.
Then, my American sister (that's what my family and I call her. She's known us ever since I was 2 years old) dropped by with 2 of her 4 kids (1 of which is my Godson) and just having them around lifted my spirits so much.
And, finally, this one I'm sure you're going to think I'm nuts, I watched a movie (the movie about the owls - Legend of the Guardians) and I absolutely loved it. I'm still smiling (inside and out) as I write this. For some reason, this movie really made me feel good. It's been a long time since a movie has had that effect on me.
I know that I'm still going to go through bad days, but feeling the way I felt today makes it all worthwhile. Just knowing it's possible to feel this natural high makes me want to keep going and never look back.
I just thought I'd share that.
And, Dreamscape, I will keep reminding myself when I have an off day that it's only temporary like you said. Thank you so much.
Karma, I totally know what you mean. It is GREAT to feel. Even the bad. At least, we know we are alive now and no longer zombies. It's very nice to meet you too. And everyone else here. You guys will never know the difference you have made in my life. Thank you so very, very much.
AlmaLibre is offline  
Old 01-17-2011, 04:07 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Awesome post, AlmaLibre!!! Glad your day turned around for ya.
tjp613 is offline  
Old 01-17-2011, 01:46 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
AlmaLibre's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Brazil
Posts: 36
Okay, so, I do a lot of reading on here. And my heart goes out to each and every one of you. And I admire you all for the battle you keep fighting to stay clean.
Among the things I've read, there is a lot about going to NA meetings. I've never been to one. I think they would help me because at least I'd have some kind of structure in my life and some guidance.
Anyway, my problem is that I am shy (by nature, was born and will most certainly die like this) and have always felt awkward around people. That isn't the reason though. See, my teeth are now jacked up from getting high and the Methadone. I'm so used to being able to smile as a way to approach people, but now it's just awkward because I only smile with my mouth closed and when I talk I'm always making sure my teeth won't be seen.
The thing is, I'm so self-conscious about this and I know I'd feel so embarrassed and awkward around all those people at the meeting. Forget about getting up and talking in front of everyone. That to me is a panic attack just waiting to happen.
I don't have the money to get my teeth fixed yet so I'm stuck.
I'm sure this sounds weird, but it's what's been on my mind. I don't talk to anyone, besides my mom, about this because it's a sensitive subject for me.
I try to look at it as another thing to learn from, another obstacle to overcome, a battle scar. But, it's definitely holding me back. I won't even look for a job because of this.
Well, as always, thanks for letting me vent. It helps a great deal.
AlmaLibre is offline  
Old 01-17-2011, 02:22 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,040
Hi Alma
I used to have bad teeth too so I know where you're coming from.

But if you let bad teeth stop you from what might be a real solution for you and a great source of support, do you think maybe you may have things a little bass ackwards?

At least give it a try, if you want to - otherwise maybe it's not really about bad teeth but fear...and our addiction will use anything it can to keep a toe hold.

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 01-17-2011, 02:45 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by AlmaLibre View Post
Okay, so, I do a lot of reading on here. And my heart goes out to each and every one of you. And I admire you all for the battle you keep fighting to stay clean.
Among the things I've read, there is a lot about going to NA meetings. I've never been to one. I think they would help me because at least I'd have some kind of structure in my life and some guidance.
Anyway, my problem is that I am shy (by nature, was born and will most certainly die like this) and have always felt awkward around people. That isn't the reason though. See, my teeth are now jacked up from getting high and the Methadone. I'm so used to being able to smile as a way to approach people, but now it's just awkward because I only smile with my mouth closed and when I talk I'm always making sure my teeth won't be seen.
The thing is, I'm so self-conscious about this and I know I'd feel so embarrassed and awkward around all those people at the meeting. Forget about getting up and talking in front of everyone. That to me is a panic attack just waiting to happen.
I don't have the money to get my teeth fixed yet so I'm stuck.
I'm sure this sounds weird, but it's what's been on my mind. I don't talk to anyone, besides my mom, about this because it's a sensitive subject for me.
I try to look at it as another thing to learn from, another obstacle to overcome, a battle scar. But, it's definitely holding me back. I won't even look for a job because of this.
Well, as always, thanks for letting me vent. It helps a great deal.
you wont have to stand up in front of anyone, dont worry about that kiddo.

People in the meeting sometimes cry, they sometimes fess up to other addictions (like porn) some people have trouble reading, some stutter, some have bad teeth, some have good teeth ,some talk about being molested, some talk about the voices they hear or the stuff they see..


my point is, I have never seen anyone bat an eye at anyone else, no matter their appearance or what they've done, or haven't done, because we have heard it all and seen it all.
There is nothing new under the sun, in those meetings.

I too am painfully shy, but I still go.

Heck you or I could walk into a meeting buck naked and the people in the rooms would be scrambling to get us clothed, because they care.

Don't worry, just pick up the phone and find out where the meetings are.

Or -pm me- and I'll find out for you.

I was a mess when I went to my first meeting (5 years ago) and everyone made me feel very welcome
dreamscape is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:04 AM.