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Old 01-07-2010, 01:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Please Help Me With Druggie (POT) and Beer Brother


Alright, first let me start by saying I am tired of my loser brother and I came across this forum to seek resolution to my problem. Here's the story...

So, when we were younger he was always the trouble maker (seemed to enjoy it by nature). In high school he was a "straight-A" student who played sports and later graduated college. Sometime during that time he picked up Marijuana and alcohol. He is currently 30, unemployed (by choice), lives with Mom & Dad who constantly give him money (for example they pay for his cell phone and hand him $20s or more quite frequently), bitches at everyone, has split personalities (I think he may be bi-polar), drinks a 40oz. bottle of beer like it's a 12oz., and has a bunch of loser "stoner" friends who are all "hippies" with crazy ideas. As I write this down, it does make me realize how bad it is. I need all this to stop, but he is unwilling to quit smoking. He believes it is the best invention in the history of life. I also had an encounter awhile ago with one of his friends. Well, the friend also said he would never give up Marijuana. This friend also was extremely lazy - he sat around all day watching South Park; lives with his parents, unemployed, and never attended college (he is 21!). All this smoking burns my eyes, and throat. I don't know why druggies even like it.

Anyway, moving on... My brother has seen a psychiatrist on several occassions, but the latest time my Dad tried to get him to go, he refused. This was after he went nuts on Christmas Day with one of his stupid rants. Also to note, he had some huge fit last year right around Christmas. He expected me to drive over an hour to pick up some super commercial sized printer, and I refused because my family had not gotten a tree yet, and we needed to use the big vehicle, additionally, I especially refused when he started with all his crazy bitching. So, he spent all night long complaining, and my Dad got another sibling to give him a ride. He's only used this thing maybe once, and certainly doesn't use it regularly. It was a very short lived Printing Business idea. Along with the drugs and alcohol, he is extremely selfish.

The major questions I want answers to:

1. Is there a way to possibly trick him into quitting (in some kind of subconscious level)? I know if I threw all the facts at him about drug abuse, or listed off all the celebrities who've died from it, he simply wouldn't listen to me or change.

2. I know this is really stupid, but if he's gonna be an addict, is there another drug that he can abuse that will not be all up in my air space? I do live with this idiot and I have given up on him.

3. My older sister (mid 30's) suggested to my parents to kick him out and change the locks, but for some odd reason, they simply wont do it. I don't understand. They should realize "tough love" may help him. As a last resort, should I write in to the Dr. Phil TV show for his expert advice and maybe get free help? My parents are nearing retirement and they should not have to worry about paying a bunch of money to help this lost soul.

4. I should also mention we live in California and my brother obtained one of those medical cards that legally allows him to smoke. I was wondering, is there a way to get that revoked? I was thinking I could get it revoked, then call the cops on him and have him thrown in jail.

5. Is there a way to force him into rehab? I was thinking about looking into a place that would accept him for free. Is rehab even a good idea or is this problem not solvable?

After talking to a psychiatrist, somehow the doctor once convinced my brother to give up smoking and drinking, but this only lasted a week. As of recently, he smokes more than anything else. Last year, he was heavily drinking, but as of recently, has slowed down. I don't know why he does it, or how to get him to stop. Please HELP!!

Final thoughts:
He belongs in one, if not all of these places:

- Mental institution
- Jail / Prison
- Rehab
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Old 01-07-2010, 02:14 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi BIL

My advice is twofold - go to a NarAnon or AlAnon meeting and meet other people in your position.

The other advice is to visit the two Family and Friends forums here and read some of the threads, maybe post there.

In AlAnon they subscribe to the three C's - with respect to your brothers addiction and lifestyle...you didn't cause it, you can't control it...and you can't cure it.

Your brother has to take responsibility for his own life and his addiction, you can't assume that responsibility for him. There are no short cuts or tricks here.

I hope you can learn how to look after yourself and your welfare, and how to 'detach with love' from your brother.

I'm not in AlAnon so I won't attempt to expand on this - go speak to people with experience. BIL. It'll do both you and your brother a lot of good.

Please do check out my suggestions.
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Old 01-07-2010, 08:11 AM   #3 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=BrotherIsLoser;2479220]Alright, first let me start by saying I am tired of my loser brother and I came across this forum to seek resolution to my problem. Here's the story...

So, when we were younger he was always the trouble maker (seemed to enjoy it by nature). In high school he was a "straight-A" student who played sports and later graduated college. Sometime during that time he picked up Marijuana and alcohol. He is currently 30, unemployed (by choice), lives with Mom & Dad who constantly give him money (for example they pay for his cell phone and hand him $20s or more quite frequently), bitches at everyone, has split personalities (I think he may be bi-polar), drinks a 40oz. bottle of beer like it's a 12oz., and has a bunch of loser "stoner" friends who are all "hippies" with crazy ideas. As I write this down, it does make me realize how bad it is. I need all this to stop, but he is unwilling to quit smoking. He believes it is the best invention in the history of life. I also had an encounter awhile ago with one of his friends. Well, the friend also said he would never give up Marijuana. This friend also was extremely lazy - he sat around all day watching South Park; lives with his parents, unemployed, and never attended college (he is 21!). All this smoking burns my eyes, and throat. I don't know why druggies even like it.[QUOTE]

That sounds just like me for the last 5 years. I rarely drank and had never touched a drug before college. That's when the downwad spiral began and only recently started truning around. I was able to hold down a job for the most part, but nothing up to my potential, and I did have extended periods of unempolyment as well.

Quote:
Anyway, moving on... My brother has seen a psychiatrist on several occassions, but the latest time my Dad tried to get him to go, he refused. This was after he went nuts on Christmas Day with one of his stupid rants. Also to note, he had some huge fit last year right around Christmas. He expected me to drive over an hour to pick up some super commercial sized printer, and I refused because my family had not gotten a tree yet, and we needed to use the big vehicle, additionally, I especially refused when he started with all his crazy bitching. So, he spent all night long complaining, and my Dad got another sibling to give him a ride. He's only used this thing maybe once, and certainly doesn't use it regularly. It was a very short lived Printing Business idea. Along with the drugs and alcohol, he is extremely selfish.
There are studies suggesting that excessive pot smoking can cause delusional thinking, depression, anxiety and bipolar. This has been my personal experience as well. I think I had some depression issues before I started smoking, but they definately got worse with 20+ years of pot smoking.
The major questions I want answers to:

Quote:
1. Is there a way to possibly trick him into quitting (in some kind of subconscious level)? I know if I threw all the facts at him about drug abuse, or listed off all the celebrities who've died from it, he simply wouldn't listen to me or change.
In a word, NO. He will only quit when and if he is ready to. How to get to that point is the tough part.

Quote:
2. I know this is really stupid, but if he's gonna be an addict, is there another drug that he can abuse that will not be all up in my air space? I do live with this idiot and I have given up on him.
There are always other drugs to abuse, I certainly would not suggest prusuing that route. I guess you could always get him some herion to shoot. He'd probably like it as (I've heard) the high is like a pot high times 10. Do you guys share the same room? Do your parents let him just smoke it around the house whenever he feels like it? Best advice I can give you on this is to just try to stay away from him as much as possible, let your folks know why you are doing this and if they aren't willing to do anything, look for your own place to stay. (assuming you are at least 18)

Quote:
3. My older sister (mid 30's) suggested to my parents to kick him out and change the locks, but for some odd reason, they simply wont do it. I don't understand. They should realize "tough love" may help him. As a last resort, should I write in to the Dr. Phil TV show for his expert advice and maybe get free help? My parents are nearing retirement and they should not have to worry about paying a bunch of money to help this lost soul.
Generally I would agree with this. My parents put up with my BS, and sucking up of their money for almost 5 years. The reason I was living with them in the first place was I was released into their custody after a suicide attempt. If they had kicked me out, we both knew I'd finish the job.

This was a bad situation for both of us. They were stuck with a lazy pothead who spent too much of their money and was quite dificult to live with at times. On the other hand, they were enabling my addiction by providing me with the means to continue it. They tried to "make rules", but it never worked as they didn't have any "teeth" in them, as I knew they wouldn't kick me out. Eventually I reached the point where I just couldn't do it anymore and I quit. It's made a tremendous difference in my life, in almost all areas.

Quote:
4. I should also mention we live in California and my brother obtained one of those medical cards that legally allows him to smoke. I was wondering, is there a way to get that revoked? I was thinking I could get it revoked, then call the cops on him and have him thrown in jail.
Got no idea on that one. All I know is I hope they don't legalize it in North Carolina, because that might be a temptation I couldn't overcome.

Quote:
5. Is there a way to force him into rehab? I was thinking about looking into a place that would accept him for free. Is rehab even a good idea or is this problem not solvable?
It's possibe you might be able to "force" him into rehab, with an intervention or something. It usually doesn't work though. He has to be willing to quit and willing to do the work needed to quit. I went through rehab twice (8 grand a piece, thank you Mom and Dad) and though I did learn a lot while I was there I was back to using within a few weeks of release. The number one factor in him quitting is him wanting to do it, and you just can't force that on anyone.

Quote:
After talking to a psychiatrist, somehow the doctor once convinced my brother to give up smoking and drinking, but this only lasted a week. As of recently, he smokes more than anything else. Last year, he was heavily drinking, but as of recently, has slowed down. I don't know why he does it, or how to get him to stop. Please HELP!!
He does it because he is addicted, and unfortunately there is not much you can do to stop it. As others suggested, check out our Friends and Family section to see how you can help yourself. Al-anon and Nar-anon meeting are also often helpful

Quote:
Final thoughts:
He belongs in one, if not all of these places:

- Mental institution
- Jail / Prison
- Rehab
You are probably right. I've never been to jail, but I've done the other two more than once. From what you've said, I'd say there is a good chance that he has what is refered to as "Dual Diagnosis", meaning he is addicted and has on or more mental health issues. You or he may find the information on this website helpful Dual Recovery Anonymous - a 12 Step Fellowship

All I can really suggest is that you do whatever you have to to protect yourself. Have a frank discussion with your parents about how this is effecting you. You are both their children. If they won't do anything to help protect you, try to find a way to seperate yourself from the situation as best you can.

I know this doesn't sound fair. Afterall, he's the one causing the problem. However, you have to learn that the only life you have any degree of control over is yours. So see what you can do to help yourself. It sounds like the situation really sucks and it's a shame you are stuck in the middle of it all. It is obvious that some action needs to be taken. Perhaps your parrents could meet with his psychologist so he is completely filled in on what is going on. He can't share much infor with you about your brother due to confidentially rules, but there aren't any rules saying you can't let him in on what is going on. I'm sure your brother probably paints a pretty different picture. I wish you all of the best in dealing with this tough situation. Take care of yourself.
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Old 01-07-2010, 08:57 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I'm sorry "BrotherIsLoser" but him as your own brother, regardless of his problems, he is "not a loser." There is hate and anger bleeding out of your post that goes beyond "tough love.." you need to take a positive look at the situation.

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Originally Posted by tyler View Post
There are studies suggesting that excessive pot smoking can cause delusional thinking, depression, anxiety and bipolar. This has been my personal experience as well. I think I had some depression issues before I started smoking, but they definately got worse with 20+ years of pot smoking.
Second that.. depression and pot went hand in hand in my short tour through the green fields.
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Old 01-07-2010, 09:04 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Since he's 30, and you talk about 'when we were younger' in reference to him, and talk down about his friend who's already 21(!) and has not gone to college, it sounds like you're over 18 years old, right?

And if so, I'd suggest that you can mitigate most of these problems you speak of (especially since it doesn't sound like you actually *care* about your selfish brother, you only care about the negative ways his actions impact you) by simply moving out of your parents house.

And I'm sorry but unless you're like trapped in a small car with the windows rolled up, there's no way that being around someone smoking pot is making your eyes and throat burn.

Honestly, to me, you sound just as self-centered as your brother, you just happen to not like to smoke pot.
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Old 01-07-2010, 11:18 AM   #6 (permalink)
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He'll quit if he wants to quit. Ain't your job to make him quit. Your parents need to kick him out of the house. At least he'll find a job or a shelter.
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Old 01-07-2010, 03:54 PM   #7 (permalink)
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There are studies suggesting that excessive pot smoking can cause delusional thinking, depression, anxiety and bipolar.
I agree with most of this statement. I don't think abusing any substance can make you bipolar. Depressed, anxious, delusional, yes but bipolar people tend to self medicate a lot BECAUSE of the bipolar issues.
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Old 01-07-2010, 05:06 PM   #8 (permalink)
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So, I read your post earlier this afternoon and wanted to respond but decided to wait because I wanted to think about it for a while.... I have to tell you that originally I was quite offended by much of what you had to say. Not to say that you aren't completely entitled to your feelings and your viewpoint, but I think your being a little harsh. Perhaps I feel this way because I'm an addict myself (currently in recovery) and I tend to sympathize with other addicts. However, I'm also the sister of an addict. A couple of addicts, in fact. Two of them are still in active addiction and one passed away 2 years ago as a direct result of his addiction. He reached out to me for help approx. 6 months before he died and I turned him away because I was sick of the drama and didn't want to subject my teenage daughter to it. This is a decision I regret, but have to live with forever. I honestly hope with all of my heart that this never happens to you, but I felt I needed to point it out to you as you've indicated that there are only 3 options for your addicted brother... institution, jail/prison, or rehab. I beg to differ. There is always death. I'm not trying to give you a hard time, really... I just want to offer you a different perspective. I would hate for this to be your reality. It doesn't feel so good. Please consider some empathy and understanding.
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Old 01-08-2010, 03:33 AM   #9 (permalink)
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jkm1201: Empathy and understanding? He is extremely selfish! He is the one causing all the family drama. He is the one who ruins birthdays, and holidays. My parents have tried to get him help. He bitches all the time for some reason, about anything and everything, but when offered help he doesn't do anything with it. As far as I'm concerned, he's had his chance. I'm done with him, and other siblings have also given up on him. It's time to worry more about myself. I cannot feel empathy or sorry for someone who every single day dies a little, by choice.

As for the others who say that I should move out: Why should I be the one to leave? He is the problem. Not me. If he stays with my parents, with me or not, he will bleed them dry - emotionally and financially.

Tyler: Perhaps you can elaborate more about what inspired you to quit. As for my brother, I don't understand why he would do this for years when it seems like he lives every day the same - in a drug induced joyless reality.

I enjoyed reading all the responses thus far, and I do find it helpful, so thank you all.
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Old 01-08-2010, 05:23 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by BrotherIsLoser View Post
Tyler: Perhaps you can elaborate more about what inspired you to quit. As for my brother, I don't understand why he would do this for years when it seems like he lives every day the same - in a drug induced joyless reality.
I really wish I could help you there. Honestly I don't totally understand it myself. I just finally got to the point where I couldn't do it any longer. There wasn't any particular "event" that happened to me to make me realize this. I just knew that my future was my present, and I didn't like my present. I realized that if I continued this way, eventually I'd just give up and would kill myself, and I wouldn't screw it up twice. I'd think that senerio through and just couldn't stand what it would to to my parents and more importantly, my young son. That would *uck him up for the rest of his life. Not even I could be that selfish. This put me into a tough spot. I hated where I was and was afraid of what the future held. My only option was to change.

It still sounds to me like he may have some mental health issues going on. I know I did, and all the meds they tried didn't do shyte until I stopped using. It's nothing short of amazing the difference has made. I've only got 8 months clean, so I've got a long way to go, but it is the most time I've EVER put together in over 20 years. Perhaps an orgainzed intervention, where everyone honestly shared their feelings with him in an effort for him to get help, might work. Overall, I'm not a big fan of them, but somehow ya'll have to get his attention. Even as I continued to smoke, at least I hid it from everyone instead of throwing it in their face.

I really wish I could answer your question better, but really it was just an accumulation of many things. I was finally "ready". I hope he gets there too.

BTW, there is absolutly nothing "fair" about addiction. Those who suggested moving out, myself included, were only suggesting that you take control of what you can control. You can't control his using, you can't control how your parents deal with it, all you can control is your own life, and that is enough of a challenge. Perhaps if you decided to move out it would show your parents how much this was really wrong. Bottom line is, addiction sucks for all parties involved. Take care.
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Old 01-08-2010, 05:24 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by BrotherIsLoser View Post

As for the others who say that I should move out: Why should I be the one to leave? He is the problem. Not me. If he stays with my parents, with me or not, he will bleed them dry - emotionally and financially.

.
It's your parents' house and they get to decide what goes on inside it. It's also their money and they can spend it as they choose. They are responsible for their own emotions and the state of California says your brother is breaking no laws. You are unhappy with the way things are going in that household.

I don't know what else to say but good luck. I wish you the best.
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Old 01-08-2010, 05:38 AM   #12 (permalink)
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BIL, can I ask how old you are? Are you a minor or an adult student?

Peace & Love,
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Old 01-08-2010, 05:43 AM   #13 (permalink)
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BIL: Happened on your post in this forum. I'm 12-stepping in Alanon/Naranon so usually don't end up in this forum. But here goes.

Get yourself into Alanon/Naranon. This thing with your brother is complicated. It has taken years to get to this point; hence, there is no quick fix here. Going to Alanan/Naranon will get you to the point where you can work through your strong emotions and can then begin to ask and find answers to the question of "Whose problem is it to solve?"

Whose problem is it to solve that your brother bums money from your parents?
Whose problem is it to solve that your brother smokes marijuana?
Whose problem is it to solve that your brother smokes marijuana in your parent's home?
Whose problem is it to solve that marijuana smoke bothers your eyes?
Whose problem is it to solve that you are exposed to your brother's lifestyle?
Whose problem is it to solve that your brother does not work?
Whose problem is it to solve that your brother's behavior negatively impacts holidays?

You gristle at the idea that the solutions to some of these problems involves action on your part while having to leave some of the other problems to be solved by other people (which may never happen). That's where your willingness to be exposed to the wisdom of other people (in Alanan/Naranon) will help you tremendously.

I do hope you do that. It really is the best gift you can give yourself and your family.
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Old 01-22-2010, 03:27 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Sugah: I'm an adult.

It's been awhile since I last posted, so here are some latest updates:

Well, over the last two weeks his druggie friend basically moved in. Now my brother is smoking every single day, multiple times a day - much more since his druggie friend is around. All I've seen my brother doing in addition to the smoking is sitting around in a dark room watching tv all day and night. He's not being productive whatsoever. He does nothing for my parents (even though he lives with them for FREE). I complained to my dad tonight, but he didn't seem to care much. He just says to open the windows and doors. It is so much worse than this! Now I have a sore throat, no I am not sick, but I'm convinced it's due to all this smoke. My brother has also lit incense (spelling?) and who knows what toxins are in that, but the smell is horrible! I can't breathe in this house. It's making me nervous now, since I'm starting to think I could be developing lung cancer. I will probably have to go see a doctor to be certain. As for all this talk about "Alanon/Naranon," I am just getting so fed up with talk. It's beyond time for action! Something needs to change. I'm probably just going to move out because I am NOT going to let him take me down with him. Staying here is seeming more like suicide every day to me. Also, this other friend does not possess a marijuana card and is smoking illegally. I'm definitely considering calling the police and having his ass thrown in jail where he belongs. I will not stand for this crap anymore. I am so fed up!
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Old 01-22-2010, 04:52 AM   #15 (permalink)
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BIL,

My sibs are all drug addicts so I do understand. Three of them lived with our parents until the parents passed away. They were then homeless.

The good news is my brother is now clean and sober and has been for some years. One sister is still struggling but making progress. The other sister I haven't heard from for years.

Believe me, there's nothing you can do to change the situation. Your parents sound like they are fine with it. It's their house, their rules.

My best advice to you is move out. Get your own place. Now *that* would be action. We can't control other people. As unfair as it may seem to you, you need to take care of yourself. Alanon and Alanarc are great suggestions to help *you* move on from the pain and frustration.

I wish you well. I know it's hard but I had to detach from my situation and focus on my own life. I'm an alcoholic in recovery. I couldn't get my own act together until I removed myself from the insanity.

Love,

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Old 01-22-2010, 03:51 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherIsLoser View Post
Alright, first let me start by saying I am tired of my loser brother and I came across this forum to seek resolution to my problem. Here's the story...
HI BIL! Welcome to SR! I am CrackQuack, crack addict, 11 months clean!
Anyway, I highly recommend TWO things. I MEAN REALLY RECOMMEND THEM!
First, is to check out our friends and family forum and maybe check into some alanon or naranon meetings.
Second is to PLEASE stop looking at your brother like he's lower than you and calling him a loser. He's got a problem. If he had would you call him a loser? Would you "trick" him into therapy or getting well? Would you say he belongs behind bars or locked up??? If he has Bi-polar, like you suspect, would you still want him behind bars, or have a smidgen of sympathy because he has a "socially accepted", "genuine", illness?
You see, addiction is more akin to a disease and is NOT a lifestyle CHOICE. It is DEADLY. It can and does kill people. We're not losers. We DID take our first drug, out of choice, but had we known we'd become addicted and it would take all we have to stop those drugs, we'd have NEVER picked up in the first place.
If he shows no desires to quit, NO ONE CAN HELP HIM. Period. You can lock him up, you can trick him into rehab, you can nag him. You can bully him, you can ultimate him, whatever, he will not stop! He doesn't want to, and your parents are enabling him. My ex, who introduced me to crack, his parent's are millionaires. They own everything in his possession. His house, his truck, his phone, pay his bills, and even the business he runs.
What you CAN DO, is talk with him. Try to catch him in a moment where he is not high (or not as high) and voice your concerns. How you are afraid he may die or get arrested. How you feel drained because of the worry. Don't BLAME him. Don't point and go "YOU did this, YOU did that. Instead, say "I feel so helpless because I cannot make you stop." or "I feel like I will lose my brother to drugs." or "I am afraid for my brother and concerned about an arrest record or health problems if my brother continues to use drugs." Or "I fear my brother will start doing worse drugs and die!" Things along those lines. Make the feelings about YOU. Accusatory conversation will go nowhere with us addicts. If anything, we run a strong chance of using more because of the guilty feelings. We already feel guilty, lost, and stupid. We already feel like losers. The last thing we need is for friends and family to "rub it in".
NEVER give up. THIS is your blood, for crying out loud. To even THINK about introducing him to a different drug, just to keep your air clean, is, is wrong. And it will mean YOU will contribute to his being a "loser". This will definitely not make you better than him. Do you want to introduce him to a drug, like, ohhh, heroin or cocaine, and he DIES from this, ON YOUR CONSCIENCE???
If so, I think maybe you are the wrong person to even try to help your brother or get in his business.
If you're just angry, because of his using, this is normal. Take some time to take care of yourself first. Go to the friends and family forum. Check into the meetings for yourself. Get a better perspective, and calm your nerves a bit. There are no guarantees, but if you keep a level head and show him life is awesome without the use of drugs, hopefully it will sink in. Once he starts to show the desire to quit, BE THERE FOR HIM. Then you can help. As long as he doesn't show desire, it's OK to show concern but basically tell him that you'll be there for him when he's ready to quit.
Whomever is paying for the house/place, and doesn't like the smoke, they CAN demand he doesn't smoke in the house.
If he doesn't stop smoking in the house or gets violent or gets worse, maybe a good wake up call for him will be a night or ten in jail. Sometimes, tough love does work and calling the cops might be his bottom that he needs to hit in order to get clean.....Or kicking him out. His parents enabling him will not help him get clean.
But he's not a loser. He's an addict. He's lost and he does need help, but he has to WANT help before anyone can do anything for him.
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Old 01-22-2010, 05:17 PM   #17 (permalink)
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From everything I've read of her posts, BIL seems to have no real desire to "help" her brother, she seems to really want him to stop because it inconviences her. That is not a criticism, it just seems to be how it is.

BIL, what is it that you want to hear from us? Bear in mind you are talking to a group of addicts in various stages of recovery. If he were living in your house, I'd tell you to kick him to the curb, but it is not your house, it is your parents house, and for whatever reasons, they don't seem to have a problem with it. You do. So if you don't like it, either get your own place or learn how to deal with it.

I personally smoked massive amounts of weed every day for years and I can honestly tell you that the smoke effected nobody but me. Unless you guys share a room, or he is smoking in a common place, you are very much overreacting, which is your right. What is not your right is to dictate what can and can not be done in your parents house. You have stated that you are an adult, time to act like one. Take care.
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Old 01-23-2010, 04:55 AM   #18 (permalink)
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First, I will start with saying that I am actively looking for a new place to stay in southern California, and since I lived there once before, it makes me a little excited to think about. Also, tonight I was reading an article online about how some 20 year old Australian watched his father die from cancer. He & his sister receieved the house and inheritance money. The article stated that the son spent $28,000 in just 4 months on weed alone. This sickens me immensely and I do not want to watch something similar happen to my own parents.

Lenina: I'm in a crappy living situation and I should be able to change my circumstances without having to move out, but sadly, your words do seem to hold truth. I believe I should be able to change my situation, however, I am considering attempting to push my parents into reconsidering / dealing with the problem child instead of just living this way (This would be my final attempt before moving out). I'm currently thinking about showing them something I read on this very website about how an addict is all about themselves and doesn't care what others want (one of the stickies I saw awhile ago). Additionally, I thought it would be a good idea to show them some facts about marijuana (that I could lookup at some medical credible websites). Lastly, I would finish off with a brief list of all the people who have died in direct relation to drug use. Does this seem like a good plan?

CrackQuack:

Actually, I will start with mentioning the fact my brother (a few years ago) was already arrested for drunk driving. My parents of course bailed him out, paid for everything, and he went to jail for the weekend. His driver's license was revoked and I was the one forced to drive him around to all of his various worthless endeavors - drug deals, late night drinking parties, impromptu concerts where the cops were called on us, and other random things. To this day, he is still without a driver's license.

As for having an actual conversation with him expressing my concerns is out of the question. He doesn't have the ability to communicate effectively with others; he lacks logic and reasoning skills. He will see any attempts as an attack and it will just involve his bitching and yelling with a bunch of nonsense mixed in. He is not easy to deal with.

As for your "never give up" attitude, to that I say, why even bother caring when he doesn't even care about himself?

I believe I mentioned this before - he has sought help, but when given it, he doesn't do anything with it. Why would someone try to get help and then just not accept it?

I disagree completely about addiction. You seem to believe it is about having no control. However, does an addict not willfuly pick up that beer bottle? Joint? Needle? etc. Each and every time a choice is made - use.

Tyler: I came here to vent, obtain insights, learn, and most importantly to figure out what I should do about my situation.

I am not overreacting. He smells like weed. His friend smells like weed. His room (actually the living room that is never used as one) smells like weed too. He smokes with the door ajar and/or very close to my window. Tonight alone he and his friend smoked 4 times that I know of, in addition to morning and afternoon. My throat feels sore - some kind of weird burning censation that I never felt before. These are all facts.

Additionally, I will add that California, where I live, we have pretty much banned smoking everywhere because as common knowledge - smoke doesn't just affect the smoker, but smoke travels and interferes with others' lives. Even recently you may have seen an ad on tv talking about how children develop asthma due to second hand smoke coming into their living quarters. Unless the smoke is 100% contained, chances are it's in someone else's lungs too.
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Old 01-23-2010, 08:23 AM   #19 (permalink)
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jkm1201: Empathy and understanding? He is extremely selfish! He is the one causing all the family drama. He is the one who ruins birthdays, and holidays. My parents have tried to get him help. He bitches all the time for some reason, about anything and everything, but when offered help he doesn't do anything with it. As far as I'm concerned, he's had his chance. I'm done with him, and other siblings have also given up on him. It's time to worry more about myself. I cannot feel empathy or sorry for someone who every single day dies a little, by choice.

As for the others who say that I should move out: Why should I be the one to leave? He is the problem. Not me. If he stays with my parents, with me or not, he will bleed them dry - emotionally and financially.
It sounds as though you have a LOT (and I MEAN A LOT) of anger. So it IS time to worry about yourself. It appears you have more problems, emotionally, to deal with than what you can handle, as the lashing out, on this forum, is phenominal.
Why should you move out? Because, in REALTITY, YOU are the one with the problem. You can't stand your brother. You can't stand the pot. You can't stand the b****in and moanin. You say you're done with him. You KNOW he's not going anywhere, so why stay and torture yourself? Out of some righteous idignation? Really? It appears, to me, you are staying, in spite of your brother, then want sympathy because you "have to be there." You won't get it from most other addicts. We understand your brother's POV better than your own. I sure hope you have checked into the friend's and family forum or alanon/naranon meetings. It really appears they would benefit you a great deal.
Maybe help you realize that you are making a martyr of yourself without good reason. It may also help you realize that you are not as done with your brother as you say you are. You have reached out, for help. I feel it is just your anger and frustration that blocks the rest of your emotions and clouds your mind...
Just my guess.
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Old 01-23-2010, 08:43 AM   #20 (permalink)
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I disagree completely about addiction. You seem to believe it is about having no control. However, does an addict not willfuly pick up that beer bottle? Joint? Needle? etc. Each and every time a choice is made - use.
Actually, we ARE out of control, when addicted. Non-addicts have, at first, this ill-conceived notion that we can put it down at any time. If this were true, then why don't we? Simply because we don't want to? Many drugs have physical side effects. We get ill when we put them down, because we're hooked on them. The FIRST one, and maybe even the second one, or third one, we made a choice.. But once we were hooked (addicted), then it no longer became a choice. We became slaves to our drug of choice. It got out of control. Would a sane, rational, able to control their drug use, person sell 4 vehicles, lose their home, empty a 6 figure bank account, run up all their credit cards, and sell precious heirlooms, jewelry, and nearly everything they own, for drugs? Of course not. But I did. For crack cocaine.
I am not going to beat my head against the wall on this, really. It appears, from further reading, to me you may not have desire to help him. It appears you want attention for yourself because brother is getting his way at home, and brother is using drugs. Another guess, and I could be totally wrong. But it is just really appearing that way. With all the ranting and raving you are doing. It is just so much anger.
And no more can we make you do anything, than you can your brother, but I really do think you need to MOVE OUT, SEEK therapy or treatment FOR YOURSELF, and move on. Maybe, once things have settled down, you might be able to see things a different way, or maybe not. Either way, at least you'd be happier, on some level, away from your brother...
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