Cleansing

Two nights ago, I was feeling restless, annoyed, and just worried about the week coming up. I had already took the two dosages of Valium that I'm prescribed to take per day. That's 5mg twice a day (last dose at 1pm). Now at around 8pm, I felt wide awake, jumpy, and bothered by a lot of stuff, so I took 4 more Valiums, Two extra Lithiums, and two extra geodons.

My intentions were to feel real sedated and at ease. Sort of like a high. But that feeling never came. In fact, I never got high, didin't even feel a buzz. I was awake til 3am that night.

In my mind I didn't use because i didn't get high/buzzed. Benzos never seemed to have that effect on me. I've tried to abuse them, in the past, and nothing (I'm talking 10-15 at a time) . I'm just writing this out as a confession, just to get it out of my own mind and out in the public. Maybe to hear some of your thoughts, though I'm afraid i might not like what some of you will say.

I pretty much made up my mind that i'm still sober. My thinking, actions, mental stability didn't change in the least bit. Those extar pills I took did not phase me in the least bit.

What's bothering me is this is how it starts. I take a lil extra of my psych meds hoping something will change, that i'll get a new feeling. But nothing changes. So I seek out drugs. Maybe alcohol at first, then my DOC's. Then it goes beyond that and I just lose it, doing drugs I don't even like (i.e. Crack). I don't want it to get to that level, but this has been my past behavior.

I'm hoping I can just leave that night as it was, just a mistake, and luckily nothing went wrong. I am blessed. I can't dwell on it too much, because then im liable to use again.

Juts letting you know.

whiskerkissed

((Cleansing))

You took something to change the way you feel...even though you did not get the desired effect. You did not take it as a prescribed medication. All it takes is one of anything...half of one of anything...taken simply to change the way we feel to relapse.

Dust yourself off...and start again. Don't beat yourself up, but use it as an experience in what you DO NOT want to do again.

Cleansing

i udnerstand exactly what you mean by taking somethign to change the way I feel, but to me, it's liek it never happened.

I won't start over again. I don't want to, and don't think it's neccesary or even that serious. I just worry about it because i know it's addict beahvior and will eventually lead to other stuff if i continue to messs around with my meds. Hear me out...

To me, sobriety is having a clear head, feeling and acting normal (no numbess, no loss of motor skills, no slurred speach), no euphoric feelings for no reason other than you took something to make you that way, no impulsivity, no lowered inhibitons. I remained sober the whole time that night, so I will not start on day 0 of sobriety. What I did was addict behavior, and potentially dangerous, but it wasn't getting high/drunk.

I still maintain that May 11, 2009 is my clean date, and I honestly believe that.

I know some of you may disagree because what I did involves Benzos and everyone is so sensitive about benzos. They are nothing to me. I can't get high off them, only tired. And that didn't even happen.

And i'm not building tolerance to them because i took 5mg of Valium this morning and felt tired. I'm about to take another 5 mg. I actually want to move down to 2.5mg when I see my psych doc on wednesday because 5mg is too strong sometimes. sometimes i'm exhausted, other times i'm fine.

but for whatever reason, Those 4 valiums had no effect on me even when coupled with the Geodon and lithium. I wasn't meant to get high. I wasn't meant to change the way i felt. Nothing happened. nothing is lost. juts have to move on and not get back into playing around with my meds.

I mean if i would have just taken the Geodon and lithium would that have been a problem? they're suppossedly non addictive.

whiskerkissed

I understand your thinking - but as with addicts...our thinking is very broken. What I see is the disease trying to justify what you did and say it's not a relapse even though you didn't feel anything. The action of what you did was still do DO that very thing...change the way you feel. The action taken is an implied act of using something to alter your your senses. Just because you didn't get high from it doesn't mean you didn't mean for it to happen.

Honesty is the spiritual principal behind the First Step in Narcotics Anonymous - and without the ability to become honest with our intentions we remain sick.

northbelle

I can totally relate....Your sobriety date is YOUR sobriety date so do whaetever YOU feel in your heart....dang its just a date ...albeit a improtant one yeah....but today matters more.....
I hope you feel better from the not sleeping epidode...Sometimes taking valium like that will make you more sleepless for the next few nights so it might take awhile to get back to "normal".....
I am glad you are at this forum..I always read your posts and am here for ya..
love norty

Cherybaby66

In my mind I didn't use because i didn't get high/buzzed.


But if you had become buzzed...then technically you would have used? Your rationalizing in order to use, love. You need to take your meds as directed. You are only fooling yourself in the long run. You need to be honest and true to yourself...and I don't think you are allowing yourself that.

Cleansing

Ok, what if I would have left it at that. Because honestly, not much was going on, i just felt like i had too much energy (because I was taking caffeine pills at the time). The reason i took caffeine pills is because with all the meds I take, I feel very tired by 7pm. And I like to stay up later so I can do excercise and watch tv, and chat on SR and sohh.com. But that particular night, I wanted to sleep earlier, feel at ease.

What if I would have taken a Tylenol Pm instead. Or a Benadryl, or anything else containing diphenhydramine, would that have been using? it's over the counter stuff, and widely used. But when taken in high dosages can get you high and act as a hallucinogen. It's the worst high expeerience ever by the way. You'll be taken to a new galaxy.

My point is, I just wanted to be relaxed, so I took what was prescribed to me, and took a little bit extra. Yes, the ACTION was wrong. It was addict behavior. But you have to know a little bit about my drug history to udnerstand that i didn't use.

I started with alcohol and weed. I loved the way they made me feel open, I could enjoy being around others more, have more fun, lower my inhibitions, and just feel happier. Simple thigns liek watching movies felt like the greatest thing in the world.

Then I started using DXM. Now DXM was a just to get fukked up drug. I did it alone, I would hallucinate, i couldn't walk straight, my heart would be beating 1000 beats per second, I couldn't talk right, and it just made my face look like a mess. But I loved it because it allowed me to communicate with people more, it made me feel euphoric, and just out of it. I love to feel out of it like I escaped reality and am in myt own world, while still wanting to conversate with others.

Then I started with percocets and vicodin. they made me feel numb phsycially, and put me at ease. They made everything seem okay -- there were no worries while on opiates. I felt euphoria.

Then i started with crack. I always mixed crack and alcohol. Basically it got me really fukked up, and i love that feeling of being completelty out of control. It also lowered my inhibitions so that I could do anything (like have sex with men, go on long journeys foer mroe crack).

The reason why I stopped the drugs is because they have landed me in the hospital plenty of times, either to the ER or the mental institution. With my mental illness, I can't use. The drugs make me very depressed, and give me mood swings. Sometimes create mania and psychosis.

My last time using, i went on a three day binge with marijuana, alcohol, and DXm, used allllll weekend. by the end of it I felt exhausted, bored, lonely, and sad. It just didn't see worth it anymore, why would i keep on with this cycle of boredom, loneliness, depression, and psychosis.

When I took the four Valiums plus my other meds, i didn't feel nothing. Nothing at all that reminded me of using. I was in control talking right, thinking straight/clear, not feeling drowsy or sedated. I didn't feel depressed the next day, I didn't over sleep, I didn't have mood swings.

and north, i actually slept early enough (1am) the next day

i agree with North, my clean date is my clean date. I'm not giving up 40 something days without even getting a buzz. that's ridiculous. And once again, it's not like anything I did that night affected me badly. i feel fine.

bTW, I tried some sleepytime tea, but that wasn't helping. So I took the extra meds.

Cleansing

Getting high/buzzed has a particulary effect on me. Our minds might work different, but i know when i am stoned/high/drunk/tipsy/inebriated. I feel out of myself, i feel light, I feel open top anything. then when I come off it, I feel terrible. Depressed, mood swings, sometimes psychosis. I did wrong, I admit that, but i'm not changing my clean date over this. And i don't know why some of you are trying so hard to take away 48 days of hard work. I'm just as sober as you are that night, the next day, and today.

So it's a bit wrong for you to want me to consider that I used, if that's what you trying to say.


And what is it that's so tough about this situation? is it the Valium? What if i would have just takend the Geodon and Lithium, non addictive substances? Would that still be using if all i wanted to do was sleep.

I feel like im not the onnly one who does this. There are plenty members on the bored who probably take a little extra Trazadone, Seroquel, Zyprexa, Benzos to sleep better, or just to feel la litttle at ease. It's the beginmning of a problem, but it should be a n all or nothing deal where if you do it once then you're doomed back to day zero.

whiskerkissed

You came on here asking with a specific question. I relayed what Narcotics Anonymous has taught me from experience and working the Steps. This ain't coming from my head. You took medication beyond the prescribed amount.

Tell me honestly - are you looking for the truth or what you want to hear?

It sounds like you're were already ready to defend your taking those meds and ready to argue the point. It's not up to me to change your mind or agree with you. It's between you and your HP.

Cleansing

I did come in here with my mind set. Only I know what I experienced that night, and I'm telling you I didn't lose my sobriety.

Even if I admit that I used, that I tried something to change the natural progression of the day, to change the natural progression of my body's biological clock. I did not lose my sobriety.

I just wanted to get this out, and I am listening to the truth, and it's hurting. But I
won't second guess what I know about my use and sobriety. I'm just saying I'm not starting back at day 0 over this. Okay, I did wrong, i used, and it can lead to mroe use esepcially when I didn't get high. now i might be chasing a high. But I did not lose my sobriety. That is all.

:ghug

thanx for the help


but now you have me second guessing a lil bit, though I said i'd be headstrong.

Freedom1990

Regardless of what any of us here think, none of us are looking back at you in the mirror at the end of the day, no?

I'm the one that has to live with myself and my actions.

I've found that if I'm honest, open, and willing in my decisions, I have no need to have someone else validate those decisions.

Cleansing

ok, so I'm 48 days clean. End of discussion. I don't know how much more honesty I can get. I never loss sobriety, so I'm not losing my sober time.

ex D-Boy

hey jay..just wanted to tell you something. While I dont agree with what you did the other night (seems you dont either) if you feel it shouldnt effect your sobriety date then it doesn't.

I know some great people from the program and these boards who have multiple months clean from drugs and alcohol yet take suboxone or methadone. Some people will heckle them and tell them they arent clean because there is opiods in suboxone // methadone. Its all relative.

I even know some real hard core AA members who wont consider you clean if you partake in tobacco or caffeine of any kind. You dont have to defend yourself to anybody...only you can answer yourself whether you relapsed or not and it sounds like you have already answered it. Besides, in the end we all seek recovery because we want a better life for ourself, not to look for approval from others.

Hope to talk to ya soon buddy ~~ stay safe

Cleansing

See, that's why I like you D-Boy.

lol

Cherybaby66

I'm just writing this out as a confession, just to get it out of my own mind and out in the public. Maybe to hear some of your thoughts, though I'm afraid i might not like what some of you will say.



You asked to hear peoples thoughts. You admitted you might not like what you hear. In my mind, you were using with the intent to abuse. *shrugs* No one is asking you to forfeit your clean date. If it makes you feel good to hold onto it, then by all means...do! I just feel like you are not being true to yourself or to your addiction...that's my opinion. I'm glad you didn't get high or buzzed...and I am glad you are still trying to fight the good fight no matter how differently you and I choose to fight it. My ways aren't right or wrong...just what works for me, and for me...taking my meds as they are prescribed is the right way...for me.

I am only 41 days out so I would never profess to know what works best for anyone but myself.

emmer

Careful with agreeing with someone just cuz you like what they say.

You did lose your clean time, without a doubt.

What would you think of a person who had 3 beers 2 vodka's and a glass or 2 of wine and still claimed to be sober?

...........it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out, right? right!

As WK said, dust yourself off and start over.

crzylilmndfreak

************I did come in here with my mind set. Only I know what I experienced that night, and I'm telling you I didn't lose my sobriety.

Even if I admit that I used, that I tried something to change the natural progression of the day, to change the natural progression of my body's biological clock. I did not lose my sobriety.

I just wanted to get this out, and I am listening to the truth, and it's hurting. But I
won't second guess what I know about my use and sobriety. I'm just saying I'm not starting back at day 0 over this. Okay, I did wrong, i used, and it can lead to mroe use esepcially when I didn't get high. now i might be chasing a high. But I did not lose my sobriety. That is all. ***********






looking at the title of your post makes me think that you came here with a question and opinions of whether or not you relapsed, now you are getting extremely defensive with the responses, which you expected anyway,and insisting that you DID NOT lose your sobriety... as you said that you may or may not agree with. o jsut dont understand what the point was to post in the first place... who are you trying to convince, us or yourself?

Sugah

A young woman I sponsor changed her date over antibiotics. She thought they were pain pills. She didn't get high, obviously, but she knew what her intent was. I didn't tell her she had to change her date. She made that decision all on her own, based upon her motives.

What you do, Cleansing, is up to you, though I will tell you that I could not find recovery until I found rigorous honesty. If this time, you didn't count it because you didn't get high, perhaps next time, it will be because you "didn't get that high," or "it's not my drug of choice," or any of the many things we tell ourselves to make it okay.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

crzylilmndfreak

i am an alcolic, among other things, but so if i had a couple of beers after a full meal, and it didnt effect me at all, that would not be a relapse? not being a smart@$$, i just really want to know your opinion on this

ex D-Boy

,,